Can’t Make it to the Live Stream but Have a Question?

YouTube live stream

Hi guys,

So I’m experimenting with something new for the live streams (which happen every Wednesday night at 8:30pm EST and run for about two-ish hours.)

The plan is to have people who have questions, but either can’t make it to the live stream, or who aren’t comfortable asking questions in the live stream, ask their questions here in the comment area below–and I will answer as many of the posted questions as I can during the live stream.

I will be opening up a new comment area for the following week’s live stream a few days early, so people have more time to post questions.  …I didn’t think about people posting questions in the comments area until just now–hence the last minute notification.  🙂

So if you have questions for tomorrow’s live stream, feel free to post them below, and we will see how this goes!

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 308 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

27 Comments

  1. Good afternoon Dana and greetings from Europe, Germany

    first of all I want to say thank you and this is an absolute amazing idea of yours, especially due to the fact that the time difference makes it a little difficult for me to participate during live stream.

    Also, in my language (German) we have bearly anything to nothing about narcissistic abuse- not online, nor in book form. I am so grateful for what you’re doing, helping so many people to understand what sort of people are out there and what classifies them, helping notice them & coping with the issues they cause; which can be a lot of pain for many.

    My question(s) for the life stream:

    When the narcissistic abuser decides to go back to his ex/ to his wife after spending years with someone else – does that mean he “loves” his ex / ex wife / wife more than us? And how can we deal with the fact that they prefer someone else and discarded us for eventually being with the ex again. Sometimes I get quite frustrated with the thought of “What’s so great about her, and me? Why I wasn’t I ever good enough to be treated right and loved”
    I know people cannot choose who they like or love, but I do think with a narcissistic abuser things are very different and I am trying to wrap my mind around it.

    Thank you

  2. Hi Dana. Thank you for the opportunity to ask questions. I’ve heard others talk about the “mask slipping” and the devaluation stage. I’ve been with my husband 12 years and we had problems from the very beginning when other women were in the picture. At the same time though he was going all out to please. Can you say what the mask slipping and devaluation actually entail?

    A second question is how to go gray rock when children are around and he does or says inappropriate things with respect to them. I can’t ignore those and intervene and of course it feeds into his need for chaos.

  3. Warm Greetings Dana and Friends,

    I have a question about ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ that’s been bugging me for a while…. Years, actually. My question pertains to this book and also to the Law of Attraction generally. I hear so much truth here but some aspects are disturbing to me. Full disclosure: I’ve not fully read the book! But I am familiar with the concept.

    What troubles me is that I think causality is complex. Do thoughts, belief and ‘vibration’ influence our experience? Yes, absolutely. I would even say that those are the single biggest determinants of our experience. BUT, not the only one. What I do not hear is allowance for Mystery—the fact that there will always be things that we don’t understand and can’t control. Karma. Soul agreements. Some larger purpose that we are not privy to because we are in fact mortal in these material bodies. There will be loss in our lives, we will experience things that we don’t like. I know a 7 year old dying from bone cancer… She’s a little Light, a true Delight with a shining spirit. Whatever is going on with this child, she is not sick from resentment and negative thinking. Also, animals of all kinds have disease… I don’t believe that it’s due to negative thought patterns. Everything on the planet lives and dies

    I hope that I don’t sound like I’m arguing. I’m so very grateful for your HUGE gift of heart and genius. I wrote this to Richard Grannon too: that’s it’s inspirational to see someone really using and expanding their natural genius, in service to the world. You and each brave person in this community, are a such a blessing. I’m more grateful than I can express.

  4. [Apology if this appears twice; I’m having trouble posting]

    Warm Greetings Dana and Friends,

    I have a question about ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ that’s been bugging me for a while…. Years, actually. My question pertains to this book and also to the Law of Attraction generally. I hear so much truth here but some aspects are disturbing to me. Full disclosure: I’ve not fully read the book! But I am familiar with the concept.

    What troubles me is that I think causality is complex. Do thoughts, belief and ‘vibration’ influence our experience? Yes, absolutely. I would even say that those are the single biggest determinants of our experience. BUT, not the only one. What I do not hear is allowance for Mystery—the fact that there will always be things that we don’t understand and can’t control. Karma. Soul agreements. Some larger purpose that we are not privy to because we are in fact mortal in these material bodies. There will be loss in our lives, we will experience things that we don’t like. I know a 7 year old dying from bone cancer… She’s a little Light, a true Delight with a shining spirit. Whatever is going on with this child, she is not sick from resentment and negative thinking. Also, animals of all kinds have disease… I don’t believe that it’s due to negative thought patterns. Everything on the planet lives and dies

    I hope that I don’t sound like I’m arguing. I’m so very grateful for your HUGE gift of heart and genius. I wrote this to Richard Grannon too: that’s it’s inspirational to see someone really using and expanding their natural genius, in service to the world. You and each brave person in this community, are a such a blessing. I’m more grateful than I can express.

  5. [Sorry Dana; I need to post again with slightly different text in order to sign up for notifications: I messed up. Again, sorry)

    Warm Greetings Dana and Friends,

    I have a question about ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ that’s been bugging me for a while…. Years, actually. My question pertains to this book and also to the Law of Attraction generally. I hear so much truth here but some aspects are disturbing to me. Full disclosure: I’ve not fully read the book! But I am familiar with the concept.

    What troubles me is that I think causality is complex. Do thoughts, belief and ‘vibration’ influence our experience? Yes, absolutely. I would even say that those are the single biggest determinants of our experience. BUT, not the only one. What I do not hear is allowance for Mystery—the fact that there will always be things that we don’t understand and can’t control. Karma. Soul agreements. Some larger purpose that we are not privy to because we are in fact mortal in these material bodies. There will be loss in our lives, we will experience things that we don’t like. I know a 7 year old dying from bone cancer… She’s a little Light, a true Delight with a shining spirit. Whatever is going on with this child, she is not sick from resentment and negative thinking. Also, animals of all kinds have disease… I don’t believe that it’s due to negative thought patterns. Everything on the planet lives and dies

    I hope that I don’t sound like I’m arguing. I’m so very grateful for your HUGE gift of heart and genius. I wrote this to Richard Grannon too: that’s it’s inspirational to see someone really using and expanding their natural genius, in service to the world. You and each brave person in this community, are a such a blessing. I’m more grateful than I can express.

  6. Hi Dana,

    I would like your thoughts and input on the male narcissist and his relationship with his mother. The narcissist men in my life have all been “mama’s boys” who are deeply enmeshed with their mother’s. My narc husband is so enmeshed with his mother that it is like he is married to HER instead of me. Sometimes when I hear him talking on the phone with her, the conversation and tone sounds like she is his wife. Friends have also commented that he doesn’t treat me like a partner or wife. My mother-in-law continuously undermines me and he will always take her side. She is also extremely narcissistic, I call her the beauty queen narc.

    Quick Examples:
    -My husband informed me that SHE would be planning his 40th birthday party. When I protested, he said I was just being petty, nasty and jealous of her.
    _When I brought up a discussion about selling his sports car because it was too expensive and it was going to need new tires, she took him and bought new tires.
    -But the biggest problem was SHE wanted to be the mother to our son and would interfere at every turn. When I would come home from work everyday, my husband and young son would be at her house attempting to form a family and discredit me. I gave up my career to stay home with my son so I could manage her influence. It has been difficult, but worth it, because I have a healthy, compassionate, independent child who I believe would have been an entirely different person if I didn’t set boundaries and let her and my husband have their way.

    Thoughts?
    Margaret

  7. Hi Dana,

    One more question. You may have answered this before but: during the love-bombing phase does the narc BELIEVE they’re ‘in love’? Do they on any level believe what they’re saying or is it just a game from the beginning?

    Thx

  8. I am trying to become a member of the support group and have registered twice without receiving an activation link. My user name is Uisce and Uisce1.

  9. I show that both user names are members. …I think my forum software needs to be updated. Have you tried logging in without the conformation email to see if you can get in?

  10. Great question. I think it depends on how “unconscious” the narcissist is. My guess is that some really do believe it–although their feelings (any feelings) are very fleeting–much like a child.

  11. Hi Dana, I wanted to say thankyou for your red flags of a narcissist series on you tube. I sat there watching each red flag episode shaking my head thinking wow, you just described my husband. I have some disbelief there, I am struggling to accept all I am hearing, I feel like this cannot be true and I am resisting the realisation that this relationship is not healthy for me. I have learnt that this is called cognitive dissonance. I have already recently experienced this via my exit from the high control religion that I was raised in. This has left me feeling conflicted; in being liberated from the religion and yet trapped in my marriage which bears the hallmarks of that control system, with mysogyny at the head. I have read a book on emotional blackmail and how to stop people manipulating me with their fear obligation and guilt and have put some of those methods into practise. I feel a bit more powerful now and a bit more in control. I know things have to change but I am feeling quite unhinged and panicky at the prospect, I keep getting anxiety attacks and vivid nightmares. For years I have been trudging along in a sort of haze where I havent challenged anything he said or did, I just went along for the ride in autopilot being a good mum and a good wife, just for my own peace’s sake. My question is; Is there anything I can do to help me transition while I ‘wake up’ ? Is there anything I have missed that I need to do to help me to be calmer and to recover some parts of me that I lost along the way? Is there anything I can do to break the trauma bond with him while Im still living with him to help me become more independent of him? I have considered leaving many times over the years but the bond to him and the fear in me is too strong; I dont feel like I will be strong enough to make my way on my own, besides we have kids so its tough right now. Im sorry my questions are a bit vague, any help you can give me is appreciated so much xxx

  12. After 12 years of hell, I’m finally free of my narc ex bf — did not marry him because something just wasn’t right although I could not put my finger on it. I now have a 1-year RO against him but he is going through lawyers to get back items he already has taken. I have pictures of him carrying some items to his car but not everything. The smear campaign is with neighbors; none of my neighbors speak to me now. The cost of the lawyer is more than the cost of items he wants back (less than $50). How do I stop frivolous lawsuits because Narc just wants to do financial damage to me having to hire lawyer?

  13. Dear Dana,

    First of all thank you for all the work you do. Your videos have helped me so much in the past few months. Thank you!

    I have a question that I don’t think has come up before. And it’s to do with sleep deprivation. I remember in the early stages of my relationship, this was the first ‘what is happening’ moment when I started to wonder about the health of the relationship… My expartner would regularly wake me from my sleep with the words ‘you don’t love me’ and she would not let me sleep again until I reassured her everything was alright and that i did love her. Eventually, as other narcissistic traits started surfacing, late at night (just before going to sleep), and during the night became the most frequent times when my partner would rage, huff, or accuse me of things. As the months and years went by, these episodes really took it out of me and made me lose a lot of my spirit. I was wondering if you’ve come across this before as a manipulation technique? Or was it just coincidence that my expartner would vent her rage/insecurities at night?

  14. Hi everybody, I am new here. I know everyone’s story is unique. I believe mine is especially confusing. I grew up with an alcoholic/emotional abusive father, and a very strict, Catholic mother. I joined the Marine Corps to get out of the house when I was 18. My symptoms at the time were similar to now. I never killed anyone when I was deployed, however, I was exposed to incoming mortar attacks, and RPG’s. Some Marines were killed I knew. When I returned home, I received my Bachelors Degree in Education. I worked in Special Ed for a while, and I enjoyed it. I struggled with anxiety and depression, so I went to the VA hospital. I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder due to family and social situations. I was not given a diagnosis of combat PTSD. I was struggling financially, so I moved back in with my parents temporarily, and I remember my dad being extra cruel than he normally was. He seemed to always screw with me, emotionally, when no one else was around, very covertly. I was about 26 at the time, and I snapped on him. I was cursing, and I threw tools in the garage and told him to pick them up. I know I scared him for the first time ever. I stayed away for a while, and felt ashamed. Anyways, I was offered a job to work with him. I was excited to work a decent paying job, get my own place, and have a healthy relationship with him.

    Keeping my father happy was always a rule no one ever talked about. To keep this email shorter, the gaslighting, the projection, silent treatment, the passive agressive behavior of slamming equipment during the silent treatment is famous with him. the lies, the making me look bad. I was having anxiety attacks in the bathroom. The smearing had been going on already. “I am a mentally ill, Iraq veteran” was pretty much what he was telling everybody. I felt so ashamed, embarrassed, and betrayed. I knew what he did, and most of my family members backed him up, even though, they know how screwy he can behave. I cried a lot, isolated myself, and I moved away. I thought I was losing my mind. I moved all over, to find work, and i’m still unemployed. The VA doesn’t really handle situations like this, and I am scared to work anywhere, after what just happened. I went to a few interviews, but I can barely finish 2 sentences without stuttering. I always felt afraid around my father ever since I was a child. I feel I lost everything, I have good friends back home, my dog, but my family is not a healthy environment for me. I might be a mix of combat PTSD and C-PTSD with emotional abuse. Any suggestions? Thank you everybody.

  15. Hi Dana, I am really struggling with my separation from my ex. Its been a year and a half and I still cry. We have two children and watching him move on with his new girl friend has left me devastated. He worked with her and not even 2 weeks after he was out of the house he was sleeping at her place and they were “official” in less than a month. We were together for 7 years and the way he so coldly moved on has me wondering if I meant anything to him at all. He cheated on me all the time and he was always accusing me of infidelity. If he even thought I was flirting or if I tried to look nice he would fight with me, but yet he cheated chronically. He even gave me a curable std and that’s how I finally found out about all the girls. He would always come back begging saying he loved me couldn’t live without me, however he moved on this time and hasn’t looked back. I feel so pathetic. I guess I’m wondering if he is a narc or if I’m just reading too much into it. Some of the things I have read point to him as being disordered but other things don’t sound like him. He never really love bombed me he actually treated me kind of crappy from day one. In my mind I just thought we had a very passionate connection but I guess really it was just toxic but I feel like I cant live without him in my life. I’m so mad he chose her over our family. Please help!!!!

  16. Hi Dana,
    Thank you so much for all your work. I have a very personal question and would be grateful if you could help me look at it rationally. Sorry for venting all this to you, but I fear confessing what I did and went through to my family. I am 23 years old and believe my father was a sociopath or a narcissist. I wasn’t aware how much impact childhood trauma had on me until I began manifesting very destructive behaviors. I was subconsciously driven by need to prove the world that I’m worthy, because I felt absolutely unlovable. Long story short I lived abroad since I was 19 and had to work and study at the same time. After few years I became bitter and became really bad with money and started taking loans I couldn’t pay off and even occasionally to much guilt and shame shoplifting, justifying my actions in very cognitive dissonance way (learned what it is from your channel). When I couldn’t cope with my life situation anymore I finally awoke and said I am getting really crazy, this needs to stop. The problem is that I am feeling overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, shame and guilt because of my actions. I am also sensitive to criticism and my worst fear is that I am a narcissist and I can’t be changed. I really don’t know if I should go see another psychiatrist, because I spoke with one online, but she basically told me to not think about myself in that light. Ever since I was 16 and found out about covert npd I feared that this is what I am. I still feel broken and unfixable. I know I have feelings to other people and in relationships I would not consciously hurt anyone, but I fear intimacy and being judged for my brokenness and because of that I have been only in one short-lived relationship. How can I forgive myself? I am meditating, but I am constantly worried that I can’t change, because I am broken ‘in gens’. Sorry, I know it’s not exactly related to your work. Thank you if you got this far.

  17. Hello Dana! Thank you for your incredible work. Did you do a live stream yesterday (18/05/2016)? Did it happen in periscope? I was not able to find it and I cannot find the youtube today … 🙁 – Miss it! Take great care! thank you for all! This channel irradiates super powerful Kind energy! Just your company is very healing 🙂

  18. Hi Peter,

    The problem with narcissists isn’t so much their behavior, it’s that they don’t care about the hurt and heartache their behavior causes, and because of this, they aren’t motivated to change. If you see some problematic behavior within yourself, and you are sincerely motivated to change it–then by all means go for it! The kind of realizations and awakenings you are having is how personal growth happens, and frankly I’m really excited for you in this next chapter of your life. …Two great people to listen to as far as behavior change goes is Tony Robbins (he’s got a handful of videos on YouTube) and Leo from the YouTube channel Actualized.org. I hope this helps. …You are not alone in wondering if you are a narcissist or if you can change. A lot of former targets of narcissists wonder the same thing–and many of them (us) have picked up some bad behaviors along the way. But like I mentioned, if you want to change, then you can. (((HUGS)))

  19. Hi Daena,

    His behavior sounds very selfish and narcissistic for sure. …At a minimum, there is no open, honest, sincere, solutions oriented communication from this man, and if a relationship lacks those elements, then it’s not a relationship–it’s a manipulationship. …If you haven’t already read the book “Psychopath Free” I highly recommend it, as I think you will see A LOT of your experience reflected back at you–as well as many answers and clarity provided. Here is a link to the book if you are interested: Psychopath Free …And if you haven’t already joined the support group, I highly encourage you to do so, as it is a great place to get ongoing feedback and support: Facebook Support Group

  20. Hi there,

    I’m glad that my channel and blog have been able to help. That’s so awesome to hear. 🙂

    Yes, sleep deprivation is a thing that some narcissists do. I never experienced it, but I’ve heard this before from a handful of other people. My guess is that it’s like all the rest of their behavior in that it’s all about gaining and keeping power and control over their target.

  21. Dear Dana,
    Thank you for everything you are doing-you are a true life-savior! My question has to do with the devalue stage of a narcissistic relationship. Can you elaborate a bit on that in your next live stream or here? I am asking because I didn’t experience direct devaluation, meaning he didn’t use insults or name-calling. However, I feel, the delavuation stage was still present. Throughout the relationship, he would make subtle jokes in public, which would make me feel embarrassed, inadequate or clumsy. For instance, we would work out together in the gym and I would share something personal about my eating habits /I’ve had issues with food and dieting for a long time/, something concerning a health condition I had etc and then he would go and tell everybody else there and they would all ridicule me or make some kind of joke out of the whole thing. When I confronted him about that, he said I lacked a sense of humor, was too sensitive and he was trying to help me by sharing this information with others. Another example-for some time I didn’t have a job and I felt bad about it, we were discussing it and for some reason he decided that it’s ok for him to share our conversation with everybody else. He and his friends would also often make sexual jokes, which a lot of the time I deemed inapropriate even though I pretended to laugh at them. My narc was also often dismissive of everything I had to say, of any idea or suggestion I would make about anything. He would often mock me, benignly he insisted, for the way I carried myself, the way I talked, the way I walked etc, making me feel embarrassed or inadequate. He would even say jokingly something like “I don’t know how on earth you’ve managed to live without me”. What do you think about this behavior? Is it devaluing or do I lack a sense of humor and cannot appreciate his jokes? Is his behavior inappropriate or am I being overly sensitive?

  22. Dana, I am deeply valuing all the information and hope for recovery, healing and even thriving that you share with those of us impacted by pathological narcissism. My question is essentially: would you address how to cope with having a child who is a narcissist?

    I am awakening to the knowledge that my son (in his 40’s) is a pathological narcissist. So much of his confusing and profoundly painful behavior for the past many decades (including lying, sexual addiction, shocking self-centeredness and more) is “making sense” in the light of what I am learning about narcissism. One of the more painful and baffling aspects of this process is that I have read and heard often (particularly from Sam Vaknin) that the origins of NPD are in early childhood and rooted in neglect or abuse. I KNOW that my son’s early childhood was not characterized by either of these. This is not my denial; my son was well cared for, loved and respected.

    What I am experiencing now is that added to the pain of facing my son’s narcissism, of figuring out how to set boundaries, and of deeply grieving the loss of hope of a healthy relationship with him, I am trying to deal with the pain of wondering how this happened?? In none of the forums, have I yet found conversations pertaining to being the mother (parent) of a narcissist. (Am hoping I have not searched well enough and that there are parents on these forums, but I am not finding such discussions.)

    When one is a parent of a pathological narcissist how does one ever find peace?

    If you could address this, I would be most grateful!!! Thank you, Dana.

  23. Hi Dana
    I think I made a mistake in a fog. I broke no contact after 8 months. My husband reappeared and I gave in. I simply don’t know how to save myself. He came back after having an affair and I guess he’s still with her. He found out I bought a house and he thinks he’s got some claim to it. I know it’s only about the house and not me. But I love him and I’m weak. I guess I’m in trouble again. Trying to figure this out.

  24. Can you tell me if there is a connection to a police officer who worked under cover and NPD? Do they have these issues and are “chosen” for the work because the testing shows they would be good at it? Or having worked undercover, do they BECOME narcissistic? I have had one in my life for some time and get confused as to whether I am dealing with one or not.

  25. Hi Heather,

    I’m sure that there probably are NPD police officers out there, as people with NPD work in all fields. His job wouldn’t make him develop a personality disorder–people tend to develop these early on. However, I think what’s most important is to look at his behavior today and to determine if that’s the kind of behavior you want in someone that is in your life. If the answer is no, and then you decide to see if things can be “fixed” between the two of you, and he’s either not willing or is willing but nothing still changes, then you’ll have to go from there.

  26. Thank you Dana for your commitment to bringing awareness to a disorder that cannot be cured. I believe this is one reason that it seems so much more prevalent in our society.
    I only very recently became aware that Covert Narcissism existed and that there were so many similarities in my husbands personality that it took me some time to process and change my story that I was telling myself of how my life was supposed be like. It’s only been 2 1/2 months since my covert narcissist husband of 29 years decided to end his life rather than go through a divorce and be found out. I want to explain what I went through to my 3 adult children but my 2 sons are not ready to talk about it in detail. Do you have any insight or can you recommend another utuber or website that may help in explaining this disorder to adult children. My daughter is 26 and more aware but my 2 sons are less aware because he was their father and they didn’t get the same abuse that I experienced.
    I am starting to write my story because that may be the only way to really explain things to them and the extended family and also break the cycle of abuse.

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