If you are dealing with a physically violent Narcissist, I strongly urge you to get out now. They will not change, and often times the abuse just gets worse and worse. On average victims of abusers leave their abuser seven times before leaving for good (they come to terms with the fact that their abuser won’t change, regardless of their promises to do so) or they are killed. Whichever comes first. I know it’s scary, but you can do this.
Find a domestic violence shelter in your area, and call them. You can generally talk with staff there and they can help you develop a plan, or tell you if what you are experiencing is abuse. If you don’t want to stay at a shelter, figure out a friend or family member you can stay with. Encourage them to play stupid and not let the abuser know where you are–regardless if the abuser says he’s sorry, or misses the kids, or is worried about you. If you aren’t quite ready to leave yet, please get a safety plan in place. Domestic violence shelters can also generally help you obtain food, clothing and a plan (possibly even tickets) to get out of town.
1.Develop a “safe word”. A safe word is a word that you agree with a friend or family member ahead of time that lets them know you can’t talk and are in danger. Make this word something that is unique, but nothing that would raise a red flag to anyone else. Something like “grey kitten” or “grasshopper”. Agree on a word that you could work into a sentence like, “We might be adopting a kitten tonight…and I might need to let you go soon.” or “Johnny has to catch a grasshopper for his science class.” Odds are this sentence will in no way shape or form be related to what you were just talking about, and it should alert the other person into knowing something is wrong. They need to know that you might not be able to answer anymore questions, and that if you hang up they need to call 911 and use a GPS locator on your phone to find your location (if possible.)
2. Get copies (or ideally take originals) of all important papers. These would be copies of your birth certificates, social security cards, drivers licenses, auto insurance, auto registration, divorce papers, citizenship papers, immunization records, and anything else you can think of.
3. Make extra sets of keys. Make extra sets of keys for your house and vehicles. Give a set to a friend, and keep a set somewhere hidden on the different vehicles in case you need to get out fast.
4. Pack a “go” bag. Pack a bag of several sets of clothing and some shoes for the kids and yourself. Keep these bags someplace safe, like at a friend’s house. Do not keep these bags where the abuser might find them. You do not want to alert him or her that you are leaving.
5. Keep extras of medications. If you or the kids are on medication, keep extras in your “go” bag. Make sure to also pack any medical supplies that might be needed, such as insulin syringes, blood tester, blood testing strips, asthma inhalers, etc. Make sure you check them periodically to make sure they aren’t expired–and remember, a lot of medications need to be kept at room temperature or in the fridge.
6. Have a safe location. If you leave, you don’t want the abuser to know where you are going. Safe houses and shelters are good, as are motels and hotels that are out of the way.
7. Make sure to turn off the “Find my iPhone” or GPS feature on your phone. Your abuser can track you this way. If you aren’t sure how to do this, google it or call your service provider ahead of time.
8. Don’t hesitate to call the police. You may be struggling with whether or not to call the police as maybe it might mean he gets fired from his job, or maybe you don’t think the abuse isn’t “that bad” yet. If you are feeling like you are in danger, call the police. Abusers can either be physically dangerous or they can hint at being physically dangerous. “If you left me/cheated on me, I’d kill you.” Or, “It’s be a real shame if something happened to you.” Take all threats either real or perceived seriously.
9. Find alternative placement for your pets. If you are staying because of your pets (lots of victims do), line up alternative placement with a friend or family member. Some shelters can also help you find temporary housing for your pets. I know that you want to protect your pets, but please remember if you don’t protect yourself, you may not be around to protect them.
10. Remember this is not your fault. Many men and women find themselves in physically abusive relationships. It’s not easy to leave. People who haven’t been in one, generally don’t understand. Find supportive friends, family or groups on Facebook for domestic violence. You are not alone, many people do care, and you deserve more.
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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- Episode 69: What are healthy boundaries? - September 25, 2017
- Episode 68:My boyfriend doesn’t care about my feelings. Is he a narcissist? - September 22, 2017
- Episode 67:Do you have any tips for how to get my narcissist friend out of my life? - September 20, 2017