“Elaine’s” Story

narcissistic behavior in relationships

Hello Dana,

It’s been several months since I left my abusive marriage and 2 weeks since I found out about NPD or as you called it Anti-Social Personality Disorder. This is really all quite shocking to me. I found you on you tube when I started to watch more videos about NPD. I realized I am not alone, this is sickness, demons, craziness, it’s inhumane. I’ve been so oppressed by my husband I thought I was going crazy. But what finally gave me strength to break from him is I realized how much he hates me, it was shocking, because I could not comprehend why I deserved it. Because nobody deserves it. But it was coming from a Christian man…

Here is a story of my marriage. I had to write it for Immigration services, because I need to receive a Green card. And the only way to do that under my circumstances is under VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) claim. I have to prove the abuse, I have to prove that we have lived together and that I am a woman of a good moral character. And this sort of narcissistic (mental, verbal, spiritual) abuse is very difficult to prove. I’ve changed the letter a little bit.
I realized I need healing from all of this. I need to talk with people who understand me, who went through similar abuse.
I realize that there are worse situations than mine, and yet I believe that my story has extreme abuse, because he was using Jesus Christ and Christianity to destroy me. This is the worst kind. Nothing can be more disgusting than satan using the scripture to torture us.

I wanted to tell you that I like your smiles. I can tell you have been healed, and you have genuine smile and you are able to smile talking about horrible things. It’s great. I’ve been reading my own letter multiple times and try to imagine that I am detached and reading it from somebody else’s prospective and I noticed last time I read it I was laughing, because it looks so horrible, that you can’t help but laugh. Maybe I started to heal. I know I did since the day I left him, the process of healing started. But I still have to go through the divorce and win custody over children. I have to start my life over literally from zero. I pray God for strength. I went no contact with him and his family, I am so done with them all, I pretty much don’t care what they think about me, and how much they hate me, and I won’t let them to put me into shame and guilt as they really want to. I am still afraid they can find me, but I can’t go to shelter, friends won’t be able to come there, moving is extremely stressful for me now, it’s going to be like another prison, and we all need home atmosphere now.

Freedom feels so good!

 

“Elaine’s Story”

I am from eastern Europe. I came to the USA over 12 years ago with intentions to get married with my fiancee, who is an American Citizen and a Christian. We’ve been blessed by a pastor and my whole church in my home church.  Prophesies and signs were confirming. I thought God finally was giving me a man who will love me, with whom I can make a family and we can serve the Lord together. He looked like such a man of God, evangelist, I was ready to go unto the end with him, love and cherish until the day we die. He came to me twice to visit me before I came here in 2004.

First month before we got married in church I lived with his parents. About couple weeks after I came to the USA before our wedding his mother got offended with me and accused me in  unthankfulness and ungratefulness over bookmark for the wedding (when we were ordering them at a store I asked to put the whole verse from the Scripture, and later when they did only half of the verse, I commented how this guy keeps good business being so unattentive to customer’s  requests, so that was a very good reason to accuse me in unthankfulness and ungratefulness,  besides I found out that she wanted bookmarks  to be made about her little boy  growing big and stuff like that, so she was mad already at me because of that. It sounds not serious but you have an idea what I was dealing with.

When my fiance came to visit, she was hugging him and crying and portraying such a picture of being offended by me.I remember I felt so low. In the car I asked him why she was treating me that way, what have I done? And he was very mad at me, protecting her, saying: Who do you think you are? You are nothing here. That was a very painful thing to hear and it was just shortly before our wedding had to take place.  But I came half way around the world to be with him, left everything, I loved him and believed God was ordaining our marriage. There was no turning back for me. For them both that “unthankfulness and ungratefulness” was a favorite thing to accuse me throughout the whole marriage.

On our honey moon in Utah, we met a pastor from US who has been a pastor in my country for ten years. He prophesied over me, he said God had a plan for our marriage, my humble and sensitive spirit and American bold spirit to mold together that I would become stronger and he would become gentler and more sensitive. He also took my hands and started to cry, it was shocking to see adult man weeping:”The gift of healing that you asked from the Lord is going to be granted unto you. It’s going to be so strong, that even people without faith are going to be healed. It’s going to increase in intensity the older you will become, after kids”.

We got married in the church within 1 month after I first came here, but he didn’t receive any legal documents since he doesn’t believe in permission of the state to get married. Because they required state marriage license for the Green Card it was a real struggle for him to obtain one. He hesitated unto the end. Finally he decided to go to Las Vegas and get married there. We did that, and married there again. He actually did file the documents for my Green Card, I remember the big package of our documents that we received from Immigration Service in cities and which we were supposed to send to other state’s INS without opening. We did that. I remember lady in Immigration Service counted the days, and it turned out that we got married on 91st day. He thought we would still be within 90 day window, but they counted every calendar day. They told us he had to file additional petition, which he did.That petition eventually was approved. But that’s when my husband stopped the process. He told me they told him that they have lost all our documents and we had to start the whole process over. I don’t know if it was true. He said he was not going to do anything.

On the first day of our honeymoon I remember he totally ignored me, turned around and started to sleep without hug or a kiss, I remember I was laying pretty shocked and thought: Is this going to be my life now? Yes, it turned out to be pretty much my life, but I didn’t know back then. On a second week of our honeymoon we were in Hawaii and I remember laying on the beach and crying out so hard, because he was so mad at me for something that I can’t even recall. He didn’t care to comfort me, he never would, he was always enjoying when I would suffer.

Shortly after we came back from our honeymoon back to Minnesota I remember this episode: we were laying in bed at night and I was trying to hug him. The look that he gave me I can never forget and said: What?, with so much disgust  like I did something so wrong . It felt so humiliating. He never allowed me to attempt intimacy. This is very painful for me to admit. It was only on his terms and it was quite rare.

Shortly after we got married we went to a meeting. Everything was so new to me, I didn’t even realize what kind of meeting that was, now I realize it was Young Living meeting. I didn’t know anybody. He would not introduce me to a single person as his new wife. It felt very humiliating. He would run around chatting with friends, having a good time, totally ignoring me. I was speaking with somebody and he would come and stand right in front of me, his back almost touching my nose and would start speaking with that person. It was very open undisguised demonstration of humiliation . He told me many times throughout our marriage: You are nothing here. Then there was this woman sitting in a row and he would bow down to her head standing from behind and start playing with her hair right in front of me. I felt like he wanted to hurt me on purpose. When we sat in the car, I asked him why he was acting that way. He started to get very mad: What? Are you jealous? I said: No, but it’s not a normal behavior. He said: I loved the girl with whom I was dating before you. I didn’t get married with her because she was too jealous, and I didn’t like it. I thought it was very rude to mention those things to your own wife.

Through all of these years I kept going on, enduring all things. There was lots of anger and control from my husband’s side. Even Christians who did deliverance with him told him he had spirit of anger and control from his mother’s side. He repented, but he never really resisted it, it was there, and became simply unbearable. Because I loved him and divorce was not even an option for me, I just kept going on, suffering immensely. I was married but I had a feeling that I don’t have a husband. He never really allowed me into his life, kept mocking me, insulting, humiliating. Disrespect, hostility, there was physical abuse too, but mostly mental abuse, verbal, spiritual, emotional abuse. And it’s all wrapped in Christianity: he was always right, doesn’t matter what he would say or do, because he represents Jesus himself, and I am always wrong because I represent church and I must submit.

We sold our house in cities and we moved down south when I was 8 month pregnant with my 1st child. We didn’t know where we were going, we were just going south, we were staying at some people’s house and I finally had to beg my husband to find me a midwife. We found one about 10 days before the birth. She was afraid to take me at such a late term so she invited another midwife who lost her license.  That’s when my daughter was born. My husband doesn’t believe in anything legal: driver’s license, taxes, property taxes, any documents and anything like that. We didn’t have a place to stay, because he would not provide any documents, or information they requested. Finally we bought 5th wheel, where we’ve lived with our baby for about 1.5 years.

When our daughter was born, he would not let me to come at night to take care of her or to comfort her when she cried, under the pretext of “training” her. When our daughter was a few weeks old baby, we were at a restaurant down south.  She started crying. He was irritated by her crying, took the car seat, put her in the car and locked the car. He continued with his meal. I don’t have any say in our marriage, if I would dare to speak anything against his will, the anger and spiritual assault would be so strong, that I’m rebellious wife, I sin before God, I hate God, I dare to speak against my spiritual authority which is he, etc. He would devastate me.

He would especially become very tough when I would get sick. At the time when I needed him the most he would become even crueler. That lack of basic empathy always was astounding to me. Just now it started to make some sense out of no sense when I found out about narcissistic personality disorder. I felt like he was almost despising me for being sick. He would always tell me that it was my fault that I was sick.

Most of the time he ignored me as a woman, it’s been like that pretty much throughout the whole marriage, it could be months and months in a row. One time he ignored me as a woman for 3.5 years, I felt so unloved and rejected. I don’t have a family here, I didn’t have many friends back then, I kept it to myself, all the sufferings. One time at a farmer’s market I was weeping at this old lady’s shoulder and told her what happened. She said she would bring it to her small church as a prayer request. After one week I met her and she told me when her pastor prayed for my husband whom he didn’t even know he said:”Devil has such a control over this man”.

He told me many times: “You are nothing here”, I would tell him:””It hurts my feelings” He would say:”I don’t give a shit about your feelings!”. He didn’t regard me with respect, he always told me to be quiet and shut up if I would want to minister to other people when he is present, because I don’t have wisdom or discernment, like he does.
I have been living in atmosphere of constant anger from him for many years. I’ve been myself physically, mentally, verbally and spiritually abused by him. I have been oppressed and conditioned to not defend myself or seek help of authorities. I was afraid and knew that would only enrage him even more. He kept me like a prisoner. He would not take care to get a Green Card for me, he prohibited me to get a job, he would not let me to have a bank account, I didn’t have a car to go anywhere, I could not go and visit my Mom overseas ever since I came here 12 years ago, I could not have any legal documents. I was kept secluded on a farm for last nine years, working hard at home, taking care of my children.

One time before Thanksgiving in 2009 I got sick with flu and had a fever, I was laying on the sofa, and was very weak. I asked him if he could chop me some garlic so I can swallow. As usual he would not do that, as he always despised me when I was sick. I got really upset, and told him why he was so cruel when I needed him the most. He hit me in my face with his fist. My daughter witnessed that. His sister questioned my daughter and she told her that he hit me. His own sister told me to call police. I was afraid and I also knew it would not help,  he doesn’t have any respect or fear of authorities, it would only enrage him more.

One time we were expecting friends, who were coming in about half of an hour. It was in 2011. He asked me to turn the water on and off in the kitchen. Suddenly he became very angry. I could not understand why he was so angry, the sudden nature of it was shocking. I asked him what have I done, why you are so mad at me? Ha started to be even more mad. I went to lay on a bed in my room and was crying, I needed to cry it out a little, I was so hurt. He came there, grabbed the blanket that I was covered with and threw it away and came at me with such anger, it was obvious he wanted to hit me. I put my hands with fists between my face and his to protect myself. He said: Do you want to hit me? And he started repeatedly hit me in my face. He said: Are you trying to sabotage the ministry? I went peeing in my pants, because I was not healed yet after the birth of my daughter and it was extremely stressful situation for me. The bruise didn’t show up that same day, so our friends didn’t see it. It showed up next morning and it was dark blue, it lasted for over a week. I was ashamed to go out and see anybody with that bruise.

When I got pregnant with my son in 2012 something strange happened. My husband started to hate me even more. The hostility and anger was so strong, I thought I would miscarry. I felt unloved, unwanted, despised, guilty for being pregnant. When woman is pregnant she feels abuse multiple times stronger. I could not believe any human being could treat his wife like that, not talking about a man who believes himself a Christian. I thought if he would ever tell that he loves that child it would be the biggest hypocrisy because of the way he treated me. I was reading the book Pregnancy Week By Week, and I told him this week, today, it says child’s heart and blood system is forming, and you are doing this mental, spiritual, verbal abuse by demonstrating me rejection and hatred. Baby’s health can be affected by that. He would mock me, that I would read more silly books.

I remember I had to load heavy baskets with bread in the car, he was laying on the sofa watching me and deliberately didn’t raise a finger to help me. He prohibited me to eat lots of protein during my pregnancy, something that I really needed as a building material for the growing baby. When I was about four month pregnant he told me: “Leave. Go”. I said: God made me your wife for a reason. You are not going just to toss me out. I don’t believe in divorce, as I don’t want to be wrong in God’s eyes. He said: then I’m going to make your life so miserable, you are going to leave willingly.
Some people told me to leave. But I didn’t have a place to go. I am from different country, I don’t have family here, I didn’t know many people, I was afraid. I was a perfect object of abuse. My son’s spirit remembered all of this, I am afraid he received trauma still being inside my womb.

I didn’t have any support from his family. His mother was always demonstrating hostility to me before and even during my pregnancy, she didn’t even come to see the baby when he was born. His brother’s wife came to me when I was pregnant as we were living on the same property and told me I was rebellious wife as my husband didn’t want to have children and I got pregnant. This is the people with whom I was dealing. His brother never protected or defended me. Opposite, he was always on his brother’s side, they even testified in the court against me during child protection hearing, but judge recognized the abuse, and their testimony was irrelevant and empty. His brother lied to a police officer, when I came with a police officer to pick my and my children’s winter clothes after I left my husband in August this year. He told police officer I was not supposed to be there and I’ve been evicted from that property. That was a lie.
By the way I could not take my things as my husband hung a lock on the trailer after I left. Police officer checked the serial number and said the trailer was registered in his mother’s name so they didn’t have right to open it. He doesn’t keep anything in his name, he is totally off grid. Even child support will be impossible to collect from him, as he doesn’t keep his account in his name. Nobody can prove that he owns anything.

He refused to pay for a professional midwife for me. Any professional medical help was not an option for me, he would never allow it. I had to rely on a help of a friend to help me during the labor. I gave birth in a moldy bedroom with moisture problems that was dug out in the dirt, the floor and the walls were sinking, because of the slides caused by rain. He refused to build  a normal bedroom. He always accused me in being unthankful and ungrateful and spiritual assault would go on and on. Even that house was lost to us, because of the property taxes issue.

My husband doesn’t have nurturing nature, he would not respond to children’s cries, he is very tough. This is a neglect, which equals to cruelty in my eyes. He took our little couple days old son from me and forbid me to comfort him at night under the pretext of training him. He took his crib from me and put it by his bed where he slept, locked me out and prohibited me to come in. I was beyond myself with grief. He would not budge doesn’t matter how much I begged him to allow me to come to the baby. Finally in the morning I came to him crying and asked if I could have my son. He allowed me. I went to the crib, he put the baby face down and covered his head with the pillow to muffle his cries, so he himself would have a good night sleep. Baby could have suffocated. He never likes to sleep on his stomach. His diaper was dirty with poop and he had rashes. Baby’s face was red and miserable like he was crying the whole night.

He did the same thing to me and my daughter when she was born, he would not allow me to come and comfort her when she was a baby. He doesn’t believe in “soft” parents, who would wake up at night to respond to baby’s cries.
All basic care for the children was mine. He would never change a single diaper, that was beyond his dignity, would not wake up at night to respond to child’s cries, even when the child was sick. The clothes for the children was totally my responsibility. He would not allow us to go to see a dentist, because he didn’t want me to give them any legal information he didn’t want to give. Even when I offered to pay cash, he still would prohibit. He refused to pay for oral surgery or bring me there.  Any medical help was out of question for us.

When my son was few month old baby in 2013 we had a Bible study at home. I was standing in the kitchen, facing him and peeling potatoes, and my husband was sitting on the couch with the Bible. We were discussing what he read. Suddenly he became very angry with me, as he hates when I have any opinions on the Bible. Situation went out of control so fast, I was scared of the intensity of his anger. It seemed to me like he was just looking for any occasion to blow out. I had the baby in my arms, as I had to feed him. He pushed me backwards against the wall with the baby in my arms. The force was so strong, it was fortunate I didn’t drop the child  from the impact. My son witnessed that. His spirit remembers that. He is very sensitive child, and always clings to me for protection.

I was working very hard for the last 9 years since we settled on his brother’s farm after few years of wandering in the camper; keeping huge garden, canning, cooking from scratch gourmet meals, baking and selling bread, making my own natural line of products, like salves, gum serums, soaps, shampoos, etc. I had to be creative like a woman from Proverbs 31 to make a living. He lost all of his money and didn’t have reliable source of income. He was mocking me for making my shampoos.  It didn’t matter what I would be getting excited about, he would try to degrade me and cut my talents down. I always felt guilty for working.  I never could please him no matter what I did.

He didn’t want to bring me to any vacations as a family, especially in our second half of the marriage, no quality family time, not even talking about weekend family time by the lake or anything like that. He just wanted me to work work work hard in the garden and keep processing the food. I felt very isolated, I could not go anywhere. We have lived near the fringe of the society. As a part of his control he kept me totally isolated from his finances.  He doesn’t believe that woman has any sort of the voice or decision making in a marriage whatsoever. That would give me more “power and authority” and he would never tolerate that.

A friend introduced me recently to a man from Christian Intervention Coalition from Eastern Coast, who emailed me with some explanation. This is an excerpt from his letter:
“As for your situation concerning your status as a mother and immediate provider for your children, your husband, as many abusers do, has left you in a difficult position with little immediate remedy without assistance with food, housing, job training, day care, health care, etc.

The Weakness Of All Extreme Abusers:
You said your husband “doesn’t believe in anything legal”. This is very common within extreme abusers because they are all about AUTHORITY, POWER and CONTROL! So they hate government telling them what to do. They are often paranoid about government. Almost every extreme abuser that kept his wife “like a prisoner” has a common trait in distrusting government. Therefore they often do not pay their sales, business or property taxes. They do not file legal paperwork like building or business permits. They often own illegal guns, vehicles or other possessions”.
We have lived for the last year in a camper (5th wheel) because we’ve been evicted from the house, as he didn’t pay property taxes. We had to move to apartments in town in December, because you can’t live in a 5th wheel in harsh northern winter. Even there he refused to pay for the rent to his friend and we pretty much were evicted from there too.

It was 95 F weather in July, like in sauna, I was weeding the garden in the heat, came to a camper from the heat, it was not that much cooler in a metal camper. He was angry that I was not working hard enough, a friend came to take me to the swimming pool 1st time in many years. He was mocking me that I had a leisure life. Few friends said they didn’t know any other woman who was working harder than I was, but it was never good enough for him.  This is all wrapped in constant anger, hostility and spiritual abuse, that I am rebellious woman, I won’t enter the promised land, I don’t have friends because nobody wants to be with me as something is wrong with me, I hate God because I dare to raise voice at my spiritual authority which is he. It would not matter what he say or do to me, he is always right because he represents Christ himself and I am always wrong because I represent church and must submit. I was on the brink of nervous breakdown, or maybe I already had one, I can’t say for sure, I became very emotional, was crying a lot. I think I will need to go through some serious healing and pray that God would restore me as a believer, as a woman. I have very low self-esteem, I truly started to doubt if God loved me anymore. He was supposed to represent Father God in my life and Christ. He was showing me and convincing me that my God is like that. In last 6 weeks after I left, my 10 year old daughter noticed that I became calmer and more peaceful, she said: Mom I understand now, you had to protect yourself against Dad.

I am an engineer of medical devices by profession, but he doesn’t believe a woman can be smart or a scientist, he absolutely prohibited me to have a job, because that way I would be “under another man’s authority”. I agreed not to work, instead I started to bake bread and sell at a farmer’s market, when we moved to the farm. That idea was totally of the Lord. God knew I would need finances to make a living. He was mocking me along the way and oppressing spiritually that I love money and Babylon, when I brought all the money for the family, groceries,  children’s clothing, washing machine, garden needs, etc.
He repeatedly was insulting me throughout the marriage. He always told me that I was dumb, I was good for nothing, I was dumb ass,  I was communist propaganda brainwashed, that I was lazy, I was vortex of sin and iniquity and similar things that were very painful. He told me many times that he doesn’t respect me, that there is nothing worth in me to respect. He would always bring into contrast how smart and important he is, even though he himself would not do much. He would either be extremely angry with me or demonstrated rejection, locking me out of his divine attention. I was always astonished by his ability to turn off any feelings, and how easily it was for him to go into this hostile mood.

We had short periods of time, when he would be “normal”, and I always with trepidation have been expecting that this period will end soon and he will go into one of his more common hostile moods. And this is exactly what would happen.
Due to stress, my health in last few years started to go downhill, my hair started to fall off and it would not grow, in last three and a half years it didn’t grow even an inch, skin rashes started to appear on my face, I started to have aches all over my body, in sciatica nerve, and sacrum vertebrae.

Last year I finally told God, that capacity of love that I had for this man is coming to an end, as he deliberately killing it, and I needed God’s help, as I didn’t know how long I can bear it. The hostility of last four months before August 1 this year was so great, that it became simply unbearable. He would not miss any little reason to unleash anger and madness at me, spiritual assault was horrible. He blamed me for everything. And if I would dare to try to protect myself and to tell him he can’t treat me like that, he always threatened me: You want a war? You will get a war. He told me that I hate God, because I raise voice on my spiritual authority, I won’t enter the promised land, I don’t have friends because something is really wrong with me, I am unhealed, I am a baby etc.
My friends tell me its not true, that I have more friends that I even know, that I’ve touched lives of many people. I told him: How will I ever be healed if you are doing this things to me? You remind me an abuser, who takes his victim, hits over cement wall, victim starts crying, and he says, see, you cry, something is wrong with you, you need Jesus, you are unhealed…. It’s some sort of very sophisticated form of spiritual abuse wrapped in Christianity.

He always wanted to have full control on what I do, what books I read, with whom I talk on the phone. He prohibited me to go on Internet, even though he himself spent lots of time on Internet. He prohibited me to send pictures of our children to their Grandma in Ukraine by email. He was paranoid about surveillance and government tracking him. I could never do anything or read anything without him putting me into guilt that I am sinful woman, as I do this things instead of reading Bible.  Spiritual degrading would always follow. One time he told me, he thought I was getting worse and more “rebellious” after talking on the phone with my Mom, and he thought to put an end to it.  He was cutting me out of the world. He would be very mad at me if I would go to the store or anywhere else without his permission. When he went to convention to Utah one year, he wrote down a job list for me to do. I could never relax or do something fun with fear that would enrage him. I felt like I was a prisoner or was living with a tyrant.

He was extremely angry with me openly right in front of everybody when I would want to order shrimp or pork in a restaurant, as it was unclean meat. I quit eating those things altogether myself few years ago but that anger could not be justified.
One time shortly before I left he asked me to dictate road directions for him. I told him what exit to take and where to go. Unfortunately that exit was closed because of the road works. He got so enraged because of that. He told me: You are dumb. You always screw everything up. I can’t trust you even to write down directions. He was so mad at me. I said: This is not my fault they had roadworks. This  is the only directions they had on the web page. He said: Yes, it is your fault they have roadworks. He was positive they had another directions without road works. He was spewing so much anger, it was so open and undisguised. I was crying so hard, but he would not relent. Later we met another man, who said he was later than he planned because of the roadworks. Nobody knew there would be roadworks. But this is to illustrate that any reason would be a good enough reason for him to unleash anger at me.

I had to use the help of Mission of Mercy free dental care, that they hold for two days once a year, as treating my teeth at a regular dentistry was out of question for me. There were lots of people and I finally got in at 6 pm. They fixed my two teeth that day, as it was on their first priority, my other teeth were on their second priority, for which I had to take a new number and go through the queue again. This were their rules. When he found out that they fixed only two teeth, he got so enraged. He started to unleash such an verbal and spiritual assault, he told me: There is something really wrong with you, people must feel your ungratefulness and unthankfulness that they even don’t want to treat your teeth. You better pray to Jesus  what is wrong with you. And this was delivered with unbelievable anger and hostility. He was doing this for hours, I was crying so hard, but he kept hammering and hammering relentlessly. I felt like I was losing my mind from pain.
I know better than anybody else about uncontrollable anger that my husband has. I have lived with that for over 12 years. It can appear suddenly, caused by any little reason and become very intense. One time he told that he was so mad with our daughter, that he would kill her if he touched her.

I saw that the tension was escalating. His angry and hostile behavior of last months before I left him on August 1 was so intense it was unbearable. He was not only very angry and hostile to me but also was unleashing his anger on our daughter.
He hit our daughter about 2 weeks before I left him with my children on August 1, 2016. We were putting cans away to store. She asked a question if we were going to share them in a time of a famine. He was enraged, as he thought her question was inappropriate and threw 1 Gallon can with food in her arm. She started to cry. I took her away from him and was comforting her. She had big bruise the next day. He also assaulted her spiritually that she had wickedness in her to bring confronting questions or words.

About a week before this happened our daughter told to my husband’s parents that we were going to build a shed for our 5th wheel. They came to see him and told, no, you are not going to build, it was their land. He got enraged with her for telling this to them. He took her to the shed and gave her very hard “licking” with the belt. I was not aware what was happening until she came into the camper crying. She had bruises. Spiritual assault was added by accusing her in wicked spirit that likes to bring confronting situations. He said to her he didn’t want to see her again. I saw myself how mad he was with her.
Similar incidents would happen throughout our whole marriage. He would also pull our daughter’s hair very hard every time he would be angry with her. Every time she has been crying as it was very painful.

I finally came to my limits, I could not go on like this anymore, I’ve been pushed over the edge. On August 1 I left with my two children. A friend of mine helped me, she picked me up. I had to run for safety. I was afraid for my children’s and mine mental and physical health. I felt like God finally plucked me out of there.

This is so not like me to leave, it goes against everything what I believe. I’ve been putting up with this for so long though, for 12 years, but my cup ran over. Even God’s patience has limits. It was very scary to leave everything behind and go into unknown. I have to start my life over and not under very easy circumstances.
I was under influence of his control and putting up with this long enough. Abuse is no longer be tolerated. I want to make sure my children and me are protected.

I told him if he would be married with American woman he would be divorced in a year maximum, nobody would put up with this, he even agreed with me at one point. I was perfect object of an abuse because of my vulnerable immigration status, my Christian loyalty, being so far from my family, and being just unable to make it on my own without means to survive. He was using all of that and twisting and abusing badly his responsibility as a husband. I have to start on my own now, I will not survive without driving a car or obtaining documents. If drivers license will help me to be free from his abuse its a proof to me that its not mark of the beast as he believes. Leaving was not my choice, but I had to do it. I have a feeling he sabotaged our marriage. People told him that I am a treasure and he should value me, but he would not listen. He pushed out the only person who loved and admired him.

When I was leaving I told him that he lost me. It was not something I chose to do, but because he pushed me out. He said: there is nothing there to lose. If you will ever remarry, I pity that guy.

Couple weeks after I left I’ve accidentally met parents of a woman with whom he was dating before we married. When I told them I left my abusive marriage, they were both crying with me. She said: Do you know that he was dating our daughter? I said: Yes, I knew that. She said : I was against that marriage, I saw such control, anger and manipulation in him. She told me, her friend, who is a spirit filled Christian, told her, don’t let your daughter get married with that man, he is very evil. This is what people told me, who knew him even before we were married, and had reasons to believe that way.
After leaving him I just now started to realize under what extreme abuse I have been leaving. After talking with advocates, lawyers and different people and being in atmosphere of normal people surrounding me, normal families and normal marriage relationships I realize more and more the extent of the abuse in my own marriage, because I thought I was going crazy, as he blamed everything on me. This old immigration lawyer with whom I am communicating said: You shared a life story of an extreme abuse, I don’t think I’ve heard  a worse story in my 30+ years of legal practice. The advocate from Alliance for Victims of Domestic Abuse was crying and said she has not heard anything like this in her career, she told me I was a strong woman. Two of my friends mentioned that he was a narcissist. I checked into it. And after reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder I was shocked as every single point was fitting him so much.

He has Harassment Restraining Order for 2 years issued on September 1 this year to protect me and Child Protection order  for my daughter issued onSeptember 7 for one year. I have custody over my children now. He is in jail right now for violating harassment restraining order right in the court in front of the judge after child protection hearing. They called me from the court and asked if he was mentally ill, he is very uncooperative and very disrespectful to the court. He treats them all underneath himself.

He threw a letter to me in the court, saying: This is for you. It was written by him in red ink with fingerprint on the bottom instead of signature. It looked weird. They quickly gave letter back to him. He was arrested right after the court. Knowing him very well, I can assume what was in that letter. It was spiritual assault no doubt. Mostly likely he brought me into the court room of heaven, pronounced me guilty and declared judgment over me. This is what he has been doing before to other people. He wrote down names of all judges, lawyers, police officers, etc who had any part in our eviction from the house, brought them to court room of heaven and declared judgment over them.  He was in jail few times during our marriage for showing false identity to a police officer and driving without driving license. One time being in jail he started to bring judgment over this one man, whom he thought was a spy and betrayed him. That man got sick the same night and died within two weeks.

In the court during the hearing he said he doesn’t want to do anything with me and doesn’t care if he will see me ever again, the hatred is astonishing. In his eyes I represent devil himself and “the beast” system, as I try to put our children into “slavery” by obtaining birth certificates and legal documents. I am afraid of him. I am also afraid for physical and mental health of my children in case he would want to take them.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

5 Comments

  1. You’re a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your journey. If you can, consider reading, “The Unbound Soul”, as a way of working to protect yourself from further fear and abuse, from a distance. Every day, in the mirror, tell yourself how much you love yourself. Ask the children to do the same. I have a similar story. No priest ever told the abuser to stop yelling and hitting. And yes – the anger that comes out of a narcissist, once you finally stop allowing the abuse, is demonic. I am with you on your journey. Stay safe. Never judge. Heal with trust that the journey is worth taking.

  2. Wow that story is shocking to hear as it’s similar to mine in length (15 years) and seeing how we are conditioned to stay in situations that we know will be hard to leave. Children deserve our protection and I, too, left once I realized my children were truly suffering. I pray you come to know the true unconditional love of God that I am yearning to know and that He will be your focus and your Husband now, that grace would flow to you and that you will see quickly and surely the true God of protection and love. This marriage was never God’s will for you and you have done the right thing. That man gave you NO CHOICE but to protect yourself and children. He is under witchcraft and will be better off in God’s hands if he will ever receive it.

  3. Elaine, I also am a Christian and was married to a narcissistic “Christian husband” so you are definitely not alone in this scenario! I was raised by a narcissistic mother, a father who didn’t protect me from her physical, mental and emotional abuse but who did sexually abuse me. My sister was the Golden Child who now, as an adult, is a narcissist; growing up and to this day they all claim Jesus and go to church regularly. My sister has been in trouble for theft & fraud from her church and been arrested spending time in jail for DUIs but she is spouting about Christianity all the time. My ex-husband’s family (who all claim Christianity) would regularly check in with me and my daughter to see if we were OK due to the abuse of my ex while I was married to him but once I went for a divorce they began hating me and my daughter and pretended he was never abusive. I am still to this day shocked how there can be some Christians that claim Jesus and know all scripture but do the narcissistic, abusive things they daily do. It does happen a lot. I follow a Christian professional who writes regularly about the problem of narcissists within the church. Hang in there Elaine, it eventually gets easier. It is scary, hard and stressful to leave the narcissist but it is the right thing to do. I hope you get your greencard soon and your new start to your new life in America with your children. God bless 🙂

  4. This is by far the worst life experience I’ve ever heard before.
    I red it early this morning and my whole day has been full of sadness.
    my spiritual support at distance Elaine, please be sure that you history will touch many hearts and we all say a prayer for you. There are many sources for recovery, stay strong the worst has happened. Thank you for teaching me a huge lesson.

    All my best,

    Leonardo

  5. Oh you poor love. He is an absolute demon. He is exactly like men I’ve known with their horrible, beyond horrible abuse. I quickly got away from them before they could hurt me again, but the abuse still hurts. You have my full empathy and sympathy. Hang in there.

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