Episode 19 of the “Ask a Question” Show: Can I Ever Be Friends With My Narcissistic Ex-Boyfriend?

FAQs about Narcissists

In this episode Natasha asks, “Can I Ever Be Friends With My Narcissistic Ex-Boyfriend?”

I give my response, and I hope that you’ll give yours too in the comments down below. Let’s see if together we can help shed some light on this for Natasha. 🙂

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, doctor, attorney, or expert in Narcissism…or anything at all really. If anything, I am a student of life, love, behavior and behavior change.

My experience and input comes from being a former advocate of victims of domestic violence, a former victim of Narcissistic abuse, and from (currently) being a psychiatric nurse.

* I am moving away from using the term “Narcissist” as I find it only seems to add a tremendous amount of confusion to things–not to mention there’s a very solid chance the word will be removed from the DSM here in the near future. Instead, I want people to focus on what matters, and that is the behaviors of people that I’m now referring to as “manipulative, dangerous and destructive people”.

I’m on a personal mission to share all my lessons learned from highly manipulative, dangerous, and destructive people in order to help YOU get all the clarity, closure, and healing you need in order to avoid, and recover from, these kinds of people.

Remember: You are not crazy. You are not alone. And yes, you really can heal from this.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Frustrations? Ideas? Need some support? Just want to say hi? Let me know!

dana@NarcissistSupport.com

Get Support: www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

Find me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissist-Support/864636096909000

All manipulative people have about the same predictably unpredictable behavior. The good news is that they all come with the same set of red flags.

Learn the red flags and empower yourself with the knowledge you need to help you steer clear of toxic people.

 

 

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 280 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

11 Comments

  1. Ah, the old “let’s be friends.” When my manipulative and highly narcissistic ex told me that in April, he also mentioned in the same breath that we would likely see each other around town. He had found a new girlfriend long before I realized he had cut me off and we both lived in the same town, so friendship would be convenient for him and avoid any “scenes” should we bump into each other. Now, I know that you and this guy are half a world apart, but if he was manipulative and secretive before, then he likely is now, too. Perhaps he is bored with a current girlfriend and is keeping touch with other women (including you) to spice up his days. Perhaps he is planning to be in your part of the world. Or perhaps he is looking to feel good about his ways by saying to himself, See I can get her to respond after all these months and miles! He was not your true friend before and is not now. I would not be friends with him on Facebook or anywhere else. You took the high road when you befriended him during your travels, so the bad blood is his, not yours.

  2. was just left by my girlfriend suddenly.I then discussed with her family and discussed narc ism. I am still in love with her deeply and trapped for the moment in my living situation.your website is helping me so much to cope with this discovery.I am seeking help and planning my exit thanks Dana!

  3. Hi Dana, I can’t give the details about my situation because this is a public site. My question relates to a challenge I am facing about telling the new victim (who I know) in this sociopath’s life about the background he is hiding. Do I warn her or let her find out on her own? It has been a very painful 2 year recovery from this situation, and I am now troubled knowing the information I do that might prevent this woman from going through what I experienced. This is difficult.

  4. Its a common one “lets be friends” as narcissists don’t like to totally let go when they have moved onto new pastures they like to have a “fall back ” woman/man. They like to keep you hooked.The Narc I was involved with for 10yrs was still “friends” with both his ex wives ….mother of his children…..but it suited him as he would often get them to provide things for him and pay some of his bills. Then during the first 5 yrs with me he remained in contact with his ex before me causing all kinds of crazy making chaos in her and my life…-triangulation- he always swore to me she was the biggest mistake of his life …yet 2 weeks after our first break up he was back with her ….love bombing her at a very high level as he really had to up the ante with her.He was with her for 3 months before returning to me.In that time he managed to extract a few hundred pounds from her.

    In the time he had left me and went back to her I had to make sense of why someone behaves like this.Our relationship was never the same again even though another 3 yrs has passed since the time he returned to me
    I dont think a person who makes crazy with you lies to you etc is worth spending time with ….but as Dana says they are like prince charming they give you what you want and change to suit whoever they are with. They dont have any real feelings for you in the same way they don’t get attached to a tin of beans they open and discard you are there merely to be used by them.
    You can chose to be friends we all have choices but you are settling for someone who you know lies, cheats, no matter how charming. My Narc is highly intelligent,funny ,good lover, has lovely children…….I miss being with him all the time ….but I cannot be friends with him because before I know it I am his slave and there to give him money ….when some fake crisis occurs in his life.

  5. HE HAS HIMSELF one day while contemplating the narcs behavior that small still voice said to me He has himself Hmmm I thought And I thought about it And there’s your answer They cannot be a friend because all they need is their own self Someone involved in a friendship is able to engage in receiving and giving not using and exploiting Ever hear the song From you I receive To you I give Together w share From this we live That is friendship Remember the old can’t we be friends is part of the narc script The script all narcs follow with variations He wants something This is just a hook The bait looks good sounds good but there is a hook underneath it that can harm you Don’t go there! Be a friend to yourself first! This is a temptation in order to reel you back in

  6. I’m not even sure my ex is a narcissist, but we very abruptly broke ties, he basically just stopped talking to me despite my pleas and begging to talk. A month later we saw each other at a volunteer event for an organization that we both belong to. He was there with his girlfriend. He waved awkwardly, and we said hi, then I left. He texted the next following night at 3:15 am “hey” then “yesterday was awkward I want to move past that” that’s hoovering right? I mean who does that at 3:15 in the morning? I’m so confused, we will have to have minimum contact, for the volunteer program, so I want to be civil….what do I do?

  7. I was dumped but narcist 2 months ago, I still miss him, looking up on what’s app when is he online, I feel ashamed that I’m doing this, and don’t know anymore what to do to stop think about him.also been diagnosed with ovarian cancer , since he knows , he said he want to help , but I don’t want help and pity from someone who 2 weeks after break up seeing another girl and took her to my best friends that I know for 10 years , I lost most of my all friends because of him, and now he is texting that he wants to meet me for coffee and chat , about what if he’s seeing someone else, I don’t know how to forget about him, even though relationship with him was bad I still love him why? I can’t get over him

  8. Sounds like hoovering to me. If you respond, go “gray rock” (http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/episode-1-of-the-ask-a-question-show/) and stay gray rock. You don’t need a friend, or a boyfriend in your life who has no respect for you. Since you have to maintain contact with him, you can say something like, “It’s cool–no worries.” And then let it go. If he texts you again and wants to reopen communication, then tell him you are seeing someone, or just make excuses as to why you are busy, or straight out tell him, “hey we have to work together, so I want us to be cool–but I’ve moved on, so I wish you all the best–I’ll see you around.” And then anticipate him to use charm, guilt, remorse, sympathy, obligation, you name it to try and suck you back in–and then stay strong and hold your line. <3

  9. I’m sorry that you are faced with the challenge of cancer on top of all this. (((hugs))) to you <3

    Here is a link to some video playlists: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (Scroll down to the third link which is called, “How to Avoid Dating (or Befriending) Narcissists)”

    One of my favorite, (and I think most helpful) videos in that playlist is the one called, “Want to Know Why You are Dating a Narcissist?” I think you might find a lot of clarity as to why you are having trouble with letting him go after watching that video.

    Surround yourself with people, places, and things that nourish you–today and everyday. Yes, you may miss him, but he isn’t nourshing to you–in fact, if you’ve lost a bunch of friends over him, he sounds pretty toxic. Here’s another link to an article that might help: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/how-to-get-over-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist/

    You will never forget him, as we don’t ever forget people that have come into our lives, but you can move past this by redirecting your energy into things that are a lot more enjoyable. Once you start feeling happy and nourished, you won’t want to be around people or things that make you feel sad and starved out emotionally.

    The website: http://www.MeetUp.com is a great place to start getting out into life and meeting new people, making new friends, developing old, (or starting some new) hobbies. Focus on bringing in as much joy as you can right now. (((hugs))) <3

  10. The plain and simple answer is “No”. If you want to stay friends with your Narc ex, why would you ever, EVer believe that that person would act differently in future? If you want to do it, be ready to take the consequences. You already know what they are.

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