Episode 25 of the “Ask a Question” Show: How Long Will it Take Me to Get Over Him?

FAQs about Narcissists

In this episode, I’m asked, ” How Long Will it Take Me to Get Over Him?”

I give my response, and I hope that you’ll give yours too in the comments down below. Let’s see if we can help people move forward and heal. 🙂

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, doctor, attorney, or expert in Narcissism…or anything at all really. If anything, I am a student of life, love, behavior and behavior change.

I am also a recovered victim of Narcissistic abuse, as well as worked at a domestic violence shelter, and am currently a psychiatric nurse.

 

Remember: You are not crazy. You are not alone. And yes, you really can heal from this.

 

Get Support: www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

Find me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissist-Support/864636096909000

To learn more about the behavior of Narcissists, or other types of highly manipulative, dangerous, or destructive behavior, I highly recommend you click here to watch the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series. The sooner you can spot potentially problematic behavior, the better off you are.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

7 Comments

  1. You are an amazing person, and your videos are truly helping me. I continue to struggle with getting over a narc…and sometimes I find myself in a debate with myself about whether or not he was. But he was, of course, and I just need to continue the process of getting past him. I’m getting there. Thank you for this great resource and your powerful insights.

  2. Hi I wonder if you can help me, I will explain my story as short as possible, please don’t ignore it because it’s long.
    Just over 4 years ago I was married and had been for 18 years. I went to a running club one night, met a woman, fell in love about 3 weeks later then the story begins.
    I was relatively happy married, not exciting but secure and solid. I met this woman, she was stunning, sexy, fun, gave compliment after compliment and I’m sure we are soul mates. We had the same interests, and I just couldn’t leave her alone no matter what.
    I agreed after a year I would move in with her and get divorced. So we went on holiday for weekends, weeks and days out, meals, I payed for the majority of things and gave her money.
    Things were amazing, any way I tried to force myself away a couple of times but something held me there and we always get back together. I felt severe guilt. Anyway then things started to happen.
    Whilst on holiday once my wife had a letter put through the door saying that I was having an affair and where did she think I was? The day it was deliverd this woman acted so strange and gave it away, yet months after when I accused the wrong person for doing it she wanted to come with me to take revenge knowing all along it was her.
    So I moved in eventually then the problems really begun. I left my wife one night in tears and moved in with this woman. A few months in, she says, well is this what it is going to be like, I just thought it would be more, she was not satisfied with anything. When she came in from work if I wasn’t there waiting she would go berserk and call me constant and scream to get home. I spent a day restoring a rug and one day came home and it was slashed to pieces, she blamed the neighbours and dog, my clothes went missing bit by bit, she blamed the other neighbour for that but then called my mum and said I was having a breakdown because I think people are stealing my clothes.
    Stole small and large amounts of money from me by going through my pockets and inventing stories that she needed a large amount of money for her health which was a ploy to con me. Bugged my phone, went through my pockets daily, made me explain numbers she didn’t notice, almost got me sacked from work, took money of me when by now I was broke because she kept taking, shout and scream at me even if I fed the dog a little chocolate. Like I had killed someone, said bad things about me to her family, laughed at me behind my back, poisoned my liver once so much the doctor thought I had cancer because of my reading was so high, I wanted to do a month medical trial to have a break from her and think about going home so she put powdered paracetamol and a sleeping drug in my food and drink over a week, she denied all knowledge. Wouldn’t let me have any female friends without her being there. Rang me and if I didn’t answer first or second time she would go mental at me. Sent private emails to my wife that I sent her with me saying horrible things about her, it really hurt my wife and this woman I am with said I will destroy her, even though my wife had nothing against this woman despite what happened, made snap decisions and I ended up getting dragged into it. She never hardly smiled and siged a lot. If we didn’t have sex after an argument would sulk, if I put of meeting her by 25 minutes because I wanted to take my niece down the park, she would scream I’m putting her first and it’s not fair, even though I would take her grandchildren out for the day. The list goes on and the trouble started once I moved in, when I would argue and leave for a while it was fine, until I moved back in. Her daughter seems the same and is just like her mum. Every time we split we would normally get back together like now. But I still love and miss her. Despite all this. I look at narsasist trates and see lots in her, but some even I may well have. But I was much more for not hurting anyone and tring to please everyone, she would not care and just hurt people.
    Would you say this is narsasist behaviour or just someone with a short temper
    Thanks everyone in advance for your much needed help
    Regards andrew

  3. Hi Andrew,

    I can’t really say if I think she’s a full out Narcissist, but her behavior definitely sounds problematic–however, yours does too. See, it doesn’t matter if we call her a Narcissist or a difficult woman with a REALLY bad temper–either way she is very toxic to you. …I would encourage you to do some reading on boundaries and/or codependency as I think you might be able to gain some insight into your behavior and why you were/are in love with a woman who treats you so poorly, and why you were so eager to leave your wife and cling to someone like this. (((hugs)))

  4. Thank you for the kind words. 🙂

    I encourage you to not worry about whether or not he’s a full-blown Narcissist or not. The fact that he’s toxic to you at all is reason enough for you to get (and stay) away from him. See, even if he’s not a Narcissist, unless he’s willing to spend the time and energy to change, then he won’t. You can’t drag him to therapy, and you can’t make him change–none of us can. All we can do is to change ourselves. Generally, this means getting out of the toxic situation that we are in. … Toxic people bring confusion, chaos, and hurt. Love does not. Healthy people bring clarity, kindness, and empowerment to your life. Focus on finding people who don’t have dealbreaker qualities about themselves. They are out there. <3

  5. Thanks very much Dana
    I really appreciate the reply and am presently looking at your website to learn more about this subject.
    Regards
    Andrew

  6. Dana, thanks for the video on getting over the narc. It was helpful, and OMG it’s so wonderful to see and hear you, it’s like there’s a friend there who understands this crap! Good advice here. I’m a nurse too, and an empath……so perhaps that’s why I’ve attracted a borderline (long ago, when I was in nursing school) and recently a narcissist.

    I think my situation with the narc was unusual, which is making it more confusing in a way. Maybe you have some words of wisdom for me? I hope you don’t mind me sharing a bit of this story. This guy is 65 and I’m close to that age. He’s been in recovery for 20 yrs, and is extremely active in AA and ACoA. One of the things that appealed to me about him was that he really works on himself, and seemed to have a good amount of self awareness and emotional intelligence. I hadn’t been in a relationship for 10 yrs when we got involved…..was busy raising a child with mild special needs, mostly my myself. He had been married 4 times and had nothing to do with any of them (red flag!). He put me on a pedestal a bit…..by telling me all the time that I had my shit together, whereas they didn’t. (red flag!) He was careful not to put them down with me though. We were together for a year, making plans for the future, he was never abusive, and was really good to me…..he basically was a great boyfriend, or at least he played the role of one. Financially secure. But. I never quite trusted him, often felt he was not being quite authentic, he was often self-referencing and never seemed that interested in me, tho he was very supportive…..though a bit superficial unless I was in crises. It was confusing. I kept telling him that he provided really great frosting, but I needed a more substantive cake! I brought up these tendencies and he said he’d heard this kind of thing before from someone else, and was going to fix it. He bought a book on listening (he liked to think of himself as a “heart with ears!”) and gave me a bit of a book report. He tried to change….. a bit. But it got worse…..or I got more irritated, feeling let down and disappointed so often that he kept referring most everything I said back to himself. I brought it up again and this time told him that I found myself ignoring him when he was boastful and pedantic which I didn’t think was helpful to the relationship (ignoring him). To which he said, “As you should.” (ignore him when he’s being that way). Then I started to let him know in the moment when he put the attention on himself when I was talking he would respond favorably. This made me hopeful. But 3 weeks later he found an opportunity to freak out about something I had said, which he claimed threatened his sobriety, totally processed it by himself (or perhaps in an AA meeting), without letting me know anything was going on with him. I unequivocally always supported his sobriety. He subsequently dropped me like a hot potato, without an ounce of compassion, empathy, kindness, or sense of responsibility to my feelings, totally cutting me out of his life! After claiming I was his soulmate, charming the pants off me and sweeping me off my feet in the beginning, telling me (and acting like) he loved me immensely. When he was breaking up with me he said it didn’t have anything to do with me (ain’t THAT the truth), and of course this is AA talk……not blaming, that is. He claimed he had decided that he needed to be with someone who was in recovery and would join him on his spiritual path and that’s why he was breaking up. (The Red Road: Native American spirituality, doing lodges, vision quests, sundancing…..something that attracts a lot of people in recovery). I notice now that he’s back to the same on- line dating site we met on.

    It totally devastated me, it was like someone had died. After grieving hard for a week I realized his behavior was typical of a narcissist, and I’m assuming if we had stayed together longer I would have seen more of the real him and he would display abuse. He is paying alimony to his third wife, b/c she claimed he was abusive. So then I grieved on another level, realizing that he was not who I thought he was. It’s been over 5 weeks and it’s still really hard at times. I hate that I feel compulsive about him sometimes…..just like I did when I was with the borderline guy. I’m grateful that he broke off the relationship, b/c it prevented me from wasting any more of my time.

    Just wondering if you know of any other instances like this………where there is such a damaged soul whose wounds are so camouflaged by doing recovery work?
    Thanks Dana for being out there. I will be watching this video again, and more.
    Candace

  7. Great question…and interesting way that you worded it: “Just wondering if you know of any other instances like this………where there is such a damaged soul whose wounds are so camouflaged by doing recovery work?”

    I guess I always looked at them using recovery as just another mask that they wear to hide behind. Jack (“My”Narc #1) claimed to be really spiritual and into Buddhism/Eckhart Tolle. Steve (“My” Narc #2) also claimed to be really into God (was somewhat of a Jehovah’s Witness). Both of them lied, lied, lied, and then lied some more. Steve also went to detox after we broke up, for a drinking problem that I wasn’t aware that he had (because that was also a lie). He blamed all his bad behavior on his drinking, and “poof” 14 days in rehab and he was all better (not).

    Now sometimes they do get sober, or get some aspect of their life turned around–and that’s awesome. Yay them for that. But the problem is that they are SO deeply unconscious in other areas that they really need help with, that their recovery hardly moves the needle on their behavior.

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