Episode 27 of the “Ask a Question” Show: Should I Warn the New Victim?

FAQs about Narcissists

In this episode, I’m asked, “Should I Try and Warn the New Victim?”

I give my response, and I hope that you’ll give yours too in the comments down below. Let’s see if we can help people move forward and heal. 🙂

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, doctor, attorney, or expert in Narcissism…or anything at all really. If anything, I am a student of life, love, behavior and behavior change.

 

Remember: You are not crazy. You are not alone. And yes, you really can heal from this.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Frustrations? Ideas? Need some support? Just want to say hi? Let me know!

Get Support: www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

Find me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissist-Support/864636096909000

To learn more about the behavior of Narcissists, or other types of highly manipulative, dangerous, or destructive people, I highly recommend you watch the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJr5eXvb4rG_F-68lw4TK4T

The sooner you can spot potentially problematic behavior, the better off you are.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 306 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

6 Comments

  1. I just watched your answer and I’m really glad to hear your reply as I have contacted two of my ex’s new victims. They were both initially very protective of him and non believing as, as you said I’m pretty sure he has painted a very different version of events than the truth. I contacted the first girlfriend as I’d heard she was on her own with a child, just as I had been. At first she defended him but I think I helped put a seed of doubt there, if it wasn’t there already. He was supposed to move in with her and that never happened. The relationship did continue but is now over in less than a year. I don’t know the ins and outs only she wants nothing to do with him. He of course says she was cheating on him etc etc.
    The one he is with now is completely different. He moved in with her within 2 months of knowing her and she is completely smitten. I have tried to warn her but she thinks I’m just jealous. The point I’m trying to make here is if you do decide to warn someone off, don’t expect them to take it easily. Remember these men target women at the beginning in a very loving often romantic sweep you off your feet sort of way. Well that was my experience so I’m not sure if I’d have believed an ex of his either. I still don’t regret contacting her. I did by email as hopefully when he starts to behave as he has done in the past a ‘red flag’ my appear for her. Who knows. I would just hate for anyone to go through the devastation I went through and loose a lot of money as I did to this man. (I believe she’s very wealthy) I have to sit back know though and leave it. There is nothing more I can do but I don’t regret contacting her at all even if she or anyone else in this new circle of friends thinks I am crazy.

  2. Great advice. It is so hard to walk away, and to not try and warn the new victim–but yes, more often than not due to the Cognitive Dissonance that they are under, they will not, cannot, hear what we are saying.

  3. I think timing is everything, I had a conversation a few months ago with another survivor when I realised my Narc was dating again, (meanwhile telling me still I was the love of his life), the other survivor said that if I had been told what I was going to tell my successor, 6 months in, would I have believed it, the answer of course is ‘ no’ . The reality once you have made a commitment to them , is so far outside normal social behaviour that its hard to imagine. Even now when I recount true stories or even read them in my journal, I am so shocked because they don’t sound true, how can they sound true to another person? Also I think the recipe with subsequent people is different because we all have different vulnerabilities, the reason why the narc moves on is because he has got bored with the old game, so although the method is the same the technique varies depending on the person they are trying to mind fuck. If you can manage to save someone distress I think it is purely a matter of luck because there are so many variables !!

  4. I recently found out that my husband’s brother got a job in our town, very close to where we live. In ‘normal’ situations, this would be okay. But it is not normal. Throughout the years, especially after he got married, my brother-in-law indicated that he wanted what we had…sometimes in not so subtle ways. He asked about the rent in the apartment next to us before we bought our house. Manipulative and conniving, he found out that he knew someone who worked for my father at the textile mill, and he got this guy to walk off with a lathe (clearly not meant for my brother-in-law). It was a good thing none of my brothers required a lathe in their work lives, but this was just plain wrong on so many levels. He somehow got me to sell my Monte Carlo to a friend of his. I still cannot believe that happened.
    He married a woman that I took an immediate dislike to, as she struck me as being cut out of the same piece of cloth as him. When he knew we were househunting he went on a mission to buy not one, but three houses (we cannot figure out where his money came from) that he rented out for years. He is obsessed with outdoing us. And we are not young anymore but it continues.
    Long story short: he found a church in our town (he could have attended one closer to him), but chose our town…and I just found out he got a job in our town. I am just sick about it. Next thing will be that he buys a house in our town.
    The brother who lives with him is just as sick as he is…he owned a house (they all suddenly starting buying houses when they heard about ours) and trashed it, even letting the pipes burst…and he had to settle for a ‘short sale’ or it would have been foreclosure for him.
    They are not interested in what is best for anybody, not even their spouses. Their world revolves around one-upmanship to the point of absolute hysteria.
    Their mother (my mother-in-law) was pulled out of school because of her grades, while her sister went on to become a very successful surgical nurse and head nurse at a nursing home in their town. And this is probably where the competition and hate derive from.
    My husband got angry when I explained my displeasure at his brother’s proximity to us. I am sure most of you could understand the predicament.
    When my husband had told his mother that our trip to North Carolina included looking at a piece of land, guess who went and bought land in Arizona? Yup. Same brother. It just doesn’t stop.

  5. Hi, I am still in the healing process of my N ex. He has recently started talking to this girl at a local brewery that we use to go to. This girl seems nice and very reserved which is why I decided to let her know. I will be telling her today after work. I’m not even sure if they are seeing each other or not but I figure the sooner the better and maybe she will even consider my advice and not tell him since he hasn’t showered her with too much bs yet. I’m nervous so please can you give my some advice on this.

  6. All I recommend is to watch the episode 27 of the “Ask a Question” show, as it addresses your exact question. …The new victim most likely won’t believe you. Your best chance of getting through to her is to frame it in a way that you know that you probably sound like a bitter and jaded ex, and that you probably wouldn’t have believed someone either if they came up to you and tried to warn you–but, (and then go into whatever it is that you want to share with her). Tell her how you busted him, and some of the BS lies that he told you. The more specifics you can give her, the more she will be able to spot it once it starts happening to her. Good luck, and please, only do this if you don’t think it will put you in harms way at all.

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