I just added a forum to the site with the goal of members being able to give and get support around the clock.  <3

 

Click here to go to the forum.

7 Comments

  1. Hello, im wondering if you can help me. I have a 5 month old baby with a full blown narcissist… we aren’t together, but I cant just cut him out due to him having access to his child. he is making my life very stressful and has taken a particular dislike to my eldest daughter (6) I protect her from his verbal abuse when he kicks off and make him leave, he does mad ofcorse, blames me for everything thats wrong in his life, throws the lot at me, slams doors and screeches off in his car etc, but no one believes me when I tell them hes like this, he makes it his mission to let the whole small town I live in know what an evil whore I am and he is such a victim. I feel powerless.

  2. I’m sorry that you are going through all of this. …I wasn’t clear if the 6 year-old is his or not, but if she isn’t, then I’d keep her away from him at all times. I would also talk to her about his behavior so that you can open up a conversation about how she feels about it–as well as to let her know that his behavior isn’t okay.

    I would also recommend that you start documenting all of his behavior towards both children, and you to include dates and things said, so if you go to court you can show that he has a pattern of abusive behavior. I would also recommend calling a domestic violence shelter in your area to see what they would recommend–and if they can refer a good attorney to you if you are planning on taking him to court and getting his visitation reduced, or trying to get it switched to supervised. You may also want to see what advice the shelter can give you about helping you to leave the area–which might be your best bet. This would depend on your parenting plan, and what it says about how far away you can move–but oftentimes a shelter can help people to move to another town. They may know of some churches that also help victims with funds to leave and start over. I can understand why you are feeling powerless, but there is hope. Please start reaching out to services in your area (or the next biggest town over) until you can find people who can help. …I would also encourage you to join the support forum: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum to get addition support and feedback. (((hugs))) to you. <3 ...Keep me posted.

  3. I was hoping if I was to share my story – That you would be able to help me gain some clarity on whether this person is either a narcissist, sociopath and/or a narcopath
    This is completely new to me – But the damage/pain this person has caused me again in this life time is something I know all too well and that I need to try and at least understand, to be able to once and for all let go and heal. So, here it goes …

    Last year around November I had an ex boyfriend from my high school days friend me on Facebook. ((A little back story -This was a person I suppose you could call my “first love” – I was 16 and he was 19. It was intense especially for such a young love – He would leave me love letters every morning on my front porch, take me places, buy me gifts, showed more attention than most girls ever receive. Then one day as I sat around waiting for him to pick me up for our monthly “anniversary” date – he simply never showed and just like that it was over. Never a real explanation …. Just done. He soon after was with someone else and they eventually got married. (This woman of course now according to him was manipulative, evil etc …)
    I was of course devastated and after many months maybe even years of having confusion and never having any closure, I finally found a way to uncomfortably stuff my emotions and move on. I can tell you it was one of my biggest devastations of my life.

    Fast forward 24 years later (to present) … After he reached out and friended me on fb, I have to admit it caught me quite a bit off guard, but my thought was “why not accept his request, I mean it’s been 24 years and we were both young and we all make poor choices, right?! ” –

    At first it was quiet- He did message me once or twice with a link to his “charity” page – which I never responded to. Then one day on December 10, 2014 – I was sitting during a lunch break looking through the news feed on Facebook and saw a few pictures he had posted from a pilots (he was a commercial pilot) viewpoint of Las Vegas. I made a comment of something like “Wow, amazing pictures” and that was all it took. He responded to my comment within seconds and then sent me a message on messenger. At first it was fairly “innocent” asking how I have been throughout the years, saying that he’s often thought of me and wondered what if he and I would have ended up together. Thinking it was all pretty innocent enough I shared that I understood and had thought of him off/on over the years. Well – what I didn’t realize is by making that comment between two old “friends” – That what I had said had opened a door and letting in a man that would create such chaos in my life for the next several months. He commented back immediately with telling me of his undying love for me, that he had always regretted letting me go, that I was his first and only woman that he ever truly loved, that he missed me and has always thought about me, I was the woman of his dreams and he would do anything to be with me. That if I gave him another chance he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and would never let me go again. All of his comments came at me quick, fast and intense. (Much like his personality) this had completely blindsided me- He immediately started writing me love poems of a man losing a girl and needing her back. Making comments that if he couldn’t have me back he would have a breakdown, that we were/are have always been soulmates etc …
    This went on everyday for weeks …. On top of the revealing of his “deep love” for me he also seemed to be interested in all the same things and shared my same spiritual beliefs. Sending me quotes from some of my favorite spiritual teachers. I thought “Wow – We have so much in common” could this person actually be my soulmate? He started off right away telling me that he loved me, was is and has always been in love with me. Saying that sure he’s had some good relationship but always compared every women to me and what we once had. That he wanted to come and take me away from my life. (Side note: we live in different states) Sending me pictures of himself, one was of him at a gym working out he had written my name “Shannon” on a mirror and took a picture of him in the mirror with my name. (He had a very macho image – very into working out and body image)
    I remember at the time thinking that it was a bit strange – but also being flattered and there was some comfort of him being someone I once loved. It was in many ways like my 40 year old wise self was fighting my 16 year old childlike self.

    Then there were SO many lies – Like the time he had told me that he was flying a corporate plane and this was very hush/hush but he was flying “Taylor Swift” to LA. He then sent me a picture of the supposed plane that he had flown but he must had forgot to crop out the website that he clearly got the picture from. I remember at the time thinking “he must want to impress me??” so looked at it as that and turned my head. He also told me he came up to my area looking for me years before and that when his ex wife was pregnant with their child he told her if it was a girl he wanted to name her “Shannon” after me … They ended up with a boy so I’ll never know the truth on that one. He also told me he is writing a book about his life and there was an entire chapter on me. That he wanted to marry me, move to where I live to be with me, his dream was to have a little girl with me. Theses kind of comments go on and on and on …
    He was intense, seemed to be sincere and I didn’t know what hit me – before I knew it I was sucked into his web of complete lies/bullshit. My thoughts was -who would deeply hurt someone that they call their first and only love and then come back 24 years later to do it again, I mean that would be crazy, right?!!! –
    At first he seemed to genuinely care about me and what I had to say, he would call and/or text when he said he would – sending me pictures, quotes etc …
    Then within just a few weeks his actions started not matching his words. He would say he would call and then wouldn’t, always having an excuse usually pertaining to work. Then I started catching him in lies often -things he said never seem to quite match up. It was anywhere from small stupid lies of where he was to big lies. For instance telling me he went for the weekend to play volleyball on the beach in San Diego and forgetting his cell phone back at home in SF, therefore he couldn’t call. Or the time he showed me an “Angel cloud” picture that he had supposedly taken outside a little girls funeral. The picture he’d shown me was a picture that had been all over the Internet and I had seen a couple of years prior, at the time I didn’t have the heart to call him out – because I felt almost empathy for his lies- like he just really wanted to impress me.
    I would be lying if I said I didn’t recognize the BS but there was something that kept me holding on : maybe just wanting to trust this person from many years ago?! At one point after our first meeting which was wonderful and then bizarre. He got pretty cold telling me that he couldn’t move to be with me that he needed to focus upon the new company he was starting, always saying that he wrapped up all his finances into this company etc. At that point I was tired of the craziness and told him I needed a break and I would reach out if and/or when I was ready/ Four days went by and he came back with “I think about you all the time + miss you”
    Then I eventually allowed myself to get sucked back in it never had the same intensity as in the beginning, but was still pursuing while would still blow hot/cold.
    It was a crazy roller coaster ride, it was confusing and I felt like I was literally going crazy! I couldn’t wrap my mind around that this person that I cared for so deeply at one point would want to confuse/hurt me again two decades later. I just simply couldn’t understand, probably because my brain doesn’t work that way.

    To try and wrap up this long crazy story/
    he had at one point asked if I would be interested in partnering with him and being an investor in his new start-up company (a transport freight company) Telling me that my energy and who I am was exactly what he needed/wanted for his company to be successful. That he had several other people wanting to invest but that deep down he really just wanted me to be his “partner” and that he was thinking that once he got this up and running he would want to move to where I live and make a life with me. blah, blah, blah … I should mention at first he was saying it would be 30k to invest. Long story short I didn’t invest just seemed to have too many red flags. But – He still wanted me to be involved even w/o investing. He told me he just couldn’t see his company failing if I was involved. He then asked if he would use my Washington (home) address to use just for a one time insurance purpose. He was just needed an address in WA state for a one time thing since he’d be doing some of his work up here. Trusting him I said ok.

    I had also asked him if he was seeing anyone (just had a feeling) he always said no. Then one day I noticed we were not friends in fb any longer, I asked him about it and he said that he meant to get unfriend another Shannon (with a long weird story attached) but must have accidentally un friended me- again his story didn’t make sense. I did a little digging and found a lady that he went to HS with (his year) had him/her as her profile picture. I am not friends with her but we have mutual friends and I was suspicious before, call it women’s intuition. I then asked again, he said that he was not seeing and or interested in anyone. That he was solely focused on his new company and that he had to put all of his energy into this company, that he had put all of his savings into this and he needed to give all of his attention to set himself up for the rest of his life. Answer was always the same …

    Late May we had our last phone conversation- he told me that he was in love with me and couldn’t imagine not being with me that at the very least he would need to get his company off the ground and then we could figure out the future. With that I sent him a letter asking some very pointed mature/grounded questions of what we are and what we could be. In the process letting my guard down and sharing my feelings in response to our last conversation. With his response to my letter he wrote me goodbye – telling me that even though he will always love me that we are not meant to be in this lifetime, but that he will find me in the next. That he will love me/feel me the next 25 years like he has the last and that he will always love me nothing can or will ever break our bond. But he is now having to say goodbye, again.
    I was once again completely blindsided – there was a little back and forth but that was it- On one hand I was devastated and on the other I was relieved. It was a weird place to be.

    About a week later I had a dream that he was shady and there was stuff he was hiding and hadn’t told me- I woke up and started to look him up (something I should have and would encourage anyone to do in the beginning especially when there is the red flags) sure enough with a little digging pops up a mug shot of him and arrest. Still not sure for what haven’t wanted to spend the $$ to find out- but my guess is something to do with fraud and/or tax invasion -I do know he was convicted of something and spent time in jail. Then that same day came the next blow I was on fb and a mutual friend commented on a pic of that lady I earlier mentioned, the one I had a feeling about. There was a picture of him on one knee proposing. This is less than two week of him telling me that he was in love with me and didn’t want me to not be in his life, etc …

    When I confronted him along with a few other lies that I caught him in – he turned nasty quick. Telling me that he was wrongly accused via his legal issues and was in the process of having his attorney get his record cleared and as far as his fiancé he was just following his heart.

    Then came the final blow – I found out that he was using my personal home address for his commercial insurance and to register his company in Washington state. He had my personal address as the location/headquarters for his company.
    After contacting him asking him firmly to remove my address -he said he already did and that his word is good enough. He then told me to never contact him again and that if I had any other concerns to contact his attorney. I responded with sounds good and asked for him to pass along his attorneys info/ which of course I never received.

    After a lot of back and forth with Washington state licensing department, and with progressive insurance I finally got my address removed. Yay!!!
    Part of me wanted to file a complaint with the states attorney general and call the IRS. But – I didn’t because honestly I have no idea what he’s capable of doing. I feel and hope that was the right decision.

    This is basically the readers digest version of my story. I would so appreciate any feedback you have in regards to him and if he is infact a narcissist. Thank you!

  4. You really managed to capture the emotional confusion we all experience, as well as the justifications of their lies. This man’s behavior is somewhere in the Narcissist/Sociopath arena, as he has a pattern of pathological lying, exploiting others, gas lighting, selfish behavior, an attitude of entitlement, lacks empathy and lacks remorse–not to mention trouble with law. I am so glad that you were able to escape his web of deceit. …The whole time I was reading your story, I found myself nodding my head at all of your justifications. …As a general rule of thumb, if a relationship is something out of a Lifetime TV movie, then I think it’s safe to say that you are dealing with either a Narcissist or a Sociopath (which I tend to take the philosophy that at the core all Sociopaths are Narcissists, but have the false charm and pattern of exploiting others.)

    What concerns me about your story isn’t so much your relationship with him, it’s the justifications that you told yourself about him–because these are all the justifications that we all tell ourselves–which is why we tend to continue to get tangled up with people with these kinds of problematic behaviors. Here is a link to some video playlists (http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/)that I think will help (in particular, scroll down to the one called, “How to Avoid Dating (or Befriending) a Narcissist”

    The two videos that I really think will help to shed some light on things are the one called, “Want to Know Why You Are Dating a Narcissist?” and the video on “Cognitive Dissonance”.

    I hope these help.

    (((hugs)))

  5. Lmao I love you for finding your way on my you tube screen I finally know without a doubt what I’ve been dealing with for the past eight years… too long a story for me to go into but almost every thing you have said on the videos I’ve watched has hit the nail directly on the head. is there any hope for a manageable life dealing with her I kinda think I’ve done pretty good but it’s landed me in jail a few times lol (not funny)

  6. Dana how can I thank you enough ? You must be a wonderful woman to dedicate your life in helping people understand narcissists, and toxic relationships. I have learned through your videos, and others on utube I do attract these kinds of abusers. Who they are, and how they work. It was overwhelming to put the pieces together within a few hours. Thank God I was in therapy already and could bring this to the table and work on healing and learning how not to attract these abusers… My friends think I’m crazy, and I was beginning to think I was crazy too. Everything made perfect since. Disturbing to know this friend , my best friend who I tried to help, was trying to hurt me. It’s unconscionable , him knowing of my tragic past, fortunately very few people can relate to. I learned this all in a few days just as he was moving out of my house. DANA God Bless you thank you for everything you do and the knowledge to heal .

  7. I’m so glad my info is helping you to get the clarity you need. You are so not alone in feeling like you are crazy. I think most of us tend to start looking around in our lives and see just how many abusive or problematic people we’ve had in it, and wonder how that can be possible. I really think the root of why we are attracted to them is what’s important, as we all will attract a wide range of people throughout our lives. It’s important that we stop settling for crumbs, and it’s equally important that we learn to tune into our gut instinct. Don’t settle for friendships or relationships where you feel anything less than nourished. …Another video/concept that might help is the one on “empty buckets”. http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (It’s the third link down called, “How to Avoid Dating/Befriending Narcissists” The video is called something like, “Want to Know Why You are Dating a Narcissist?”) This was a really eye-opening concept for me, and I hope it will be for you too. (((hugs)))

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