“Grace’s” Story

narcissistic behavior in relationships
My name is “Grace” and I’m in my early 30’s.
I’m from the UK but met a man from the US online a few months ago lets call him “John.” He claimed he was moving to the UK, and that he already had his location set to my town when I came across him. He seemed amazing. Incredibly attractive, interested in me told me he loved me very quickly.  He lavished me with compliments told me I was his heart, and sent me a picture of a ring and even wedding destinations that we would elope to.
He said he was looking at places for us to live and stupid me I fell for it–and I’m a mental health nurse. I started to suspect he was a narcissist when he began telling me very over-the-top stories like that he was a pilot, and that he worked in PR with huge celebrities–even claiming that Elton John had hit on him. He said his family had houses in Hawaii,  and that he made 100s of thousands of dollars a year, yet he just recently left his job. Then he dropped the bombshell that he was also a Navy Seal.
Then the put downs started.  He began telling me that I needed veneers; that I was too skinny, that he was disgusted by my body; he belittled my job, the way I look, and the way I spell…but that he loved me because he knew I’d be there for him.  He would shut down emotionally anytime I tried to confront him, and everything was always my fault. He’d say horrible things to me, yet I had to apologize. Every day he had a different date to move here but then he had legal issues and the bank withheld his money, he had no passport, his passport got lost in the mail, there was a hurricane, he had a big game to go to, he was deathly ill, then a movie premiere, and so on.
He had no concrete plans as to what to do when he got here. He claimed he was into violent sex.  He said is ex was boring yet on the other hand spoke about how much money she had, everything was always about money, money, money. I would see on Facebook that the majority of people he was befriending were glamorous women. I tried to cut things off with him, but he’d draw me back in with the dream of a life I never had growing up–and that I was his heart and that he wanted to marry and have children.
I began to feel paranoid and distrusting. He started to withdraw contact from me, and could not give a moving date. He he said he was sick and had not spoke to anyone yet. The amount of his female friends online started to sky rocket, and when I asked him about it, he said that I  was paranoid and imagining things.
He’d ask for my address saying he wanted to send me flowers, etc., and nothing ever came. I’m not materialistic, but I was upset about the broken promises. He would say I was uptight, and that I needed to relax–that everything was my fault and that I was making too big of a deal out of things–and I believed him.
I didn’t have much growing up.  I lost my parents and worked hard. I never open up to people, but I did to him.  My biggest fear is rejection and abandonment, and he said he’d never leave.  He showed me the dream I always wanted:marriage, children, and a home, but never had any plans to follow through with any of that. I had a death in my family and never once did he ask how I was, it was about him being sick and my negative phone call ruined his day. He finally told me he didn’t love me and completely blocked and discarded of me. He blocked facebook, on my phone, and everything.  He told me what a hateful person I am. I went to the lowest depth. He opened up wounds he knew were there: me being rejected and abandoned. As a mental health nurse I suspected he had NPD, and I began taking notes.
Here’s my list of what I noticed:
• Talks about himself incessantly
• Displays little emotional intelligence
• Lack of empathy
• Extreme arrogance
• Excessively speaks about money
• Ignorant to other people’s feelings
• Inability to put himself in my shoes
• Empty promises
• Grandiose
• Controlling
• Not supportive
• Talks to other women
• Does not pay compliments
• Does not acknowledge my achievements, milestones, birthdays, deaths
• Talks about his
• Moves too fast too soon and speaks about violent sex
• Lies
• No concrete plan
• His words don’t match his actions
• Put downs
• Insensitive comments
• Ignorant to other circumstances, culture etc.
• Withdraws affection
I went from being allegedly the most important woman in his world to a piece of dirt on his shoe, and he said he was moving on. He’d laugh when I’d cry, and say I was needy.  I feel so broken, just where do I go from here?
Please help.
I feel so damaged as I should have seen this coming, especially since I am a mental health nurse. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
“Grace”

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 324 Articles

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of “in the trenches” experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It’s for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

5 Comments

  1. Dear Grace, horrible. Rest asure, you are not the only one with a story like this. Therefore, do not feel ashamed, and being a mental health nurse, has nothing to do with wehter you fall for a guy like this or not. It shows you care for people and that you have a big heart. And in general terms, that means you were a perfect target for a person who is exactly the opposite. I have just ended a marriage of 10 years with my narc. I can give you this advise. What he did, said, etc is unbelievably cruel, rude and what have you..I could use other words, but I want to stay polite. DO NOT give this lifeform, any more attention than you have already done, he cannot be changed, what he did was done, any energy you still give him by even thinking about what happened and what he is doing now etc, is feeding his existance. Instead, the thing you CAN do, as I have done, is focus on WHY you fell for someone like him, or even more important, why you continued with him after the first signs of abuse and misconduct. That is the thing you need to get to the bottom off, also to prevent this from ever happening again. 8 yrs into my marriage, I started to read into narcissism and codependency, and dived into my own need for acceptance and approval, and my lack of ove attention and appreciation by my parents while I was young and growing up. You told us a little bit already, seems like you have started to see some pointers yourself. “I lost my parents and worked hard. I never open up to people, but I did to him. My biggest fear is rejection and abandonment, and he said he’d never leave. He showed me the dream I always wanted:” Narcs have a nose for the weaknesses of other people. The play and fake their way into your heart, as they know exactly what you needed to hear. I know, I have been there too. This fear of rejection and abondonment, is exactly what got you into this relationship (I dont want to call it that actually. as it was not a relationship) and what KEPT you in the relationship. Fear. Old fear from when you were younger. Seek help from a therapist who is experienced in this area; I did, she saved my life. Do research on narcissism, there a great channels on youtube. And start mending your own heart. Once you start doing that, you will notice, the fear of abandonment and approval will slowly, slowly, slowly, disappear. I started my journey to the exit sign of this marriage three years ago. It took me 5 years to get him to leave the house and our child, 2 years of councelling, 15 books on narcissism, countless hours on the phone with friends, countless hours on the internet and youtube doing research on myself and this narcissism, to understand that it was not about him, this perfect sexy man who loved me to the stars and back, my soulmate, my husband and friend forever, or so I thought, that I was acking over so much, missing so much. But it was the pain from long long long ago that needed to be healed, to never accept anyone treating me like this again. You will not allow it anymore dear Grace, as you will forgive yourself for falling in love with this manform as you missed love so badly in your life. But this Disney movie, turned out to be Hell from Halloween. Return the dvd, and fix your own system. You can do it. I did it. And pray. Lots of love, you are not alone Grace.

  2. Dear Grace,

    It broke my heart to read your story. Sadly, it sounded all too familiar. You pointed out that you are a mental health nurse, with the implication (as I understand it), that despite this profession and feeling that you should have “known better” even you did not see through the deception soon enough. You should not feel bad, because being a third party to someone else’s plight often times makes us see things far more clearly than we do when it comes to our own relationships.

    I can empathize and relate deeply to your story, because, from what I understand, I have been in a relationship with a narcissist as well. I did not find out what full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) entailed until after the end of my relationship – when I was trying to make sense of all the confusing messages I had been receiving, the sudden smear campaigns from her and her friends. How did I go from being the perfect partner to being an abusive monster in the matter of a few weeks? How did the slightest disagreement with her constitute “battery” on my part?

    I am really grateful that you share your story, because too many people are not familiar with NPD and the emotional trauma that it can leave you with. Many people who do not understand the full effects that emotional abuse can have speak about narcissism in a minimalizing fashion, as if it was simply someone looking into the mirror a little too often or takes too many selfies. No … it is far, far worse than that. The sheer callousness, unfeeling attitude, cold discard that follows is hard to compare to any other type of abuse.

    What really makes narcissists destroyers of life is that they find what hurts you most – and they do it _perfectly_.

    Yours,
    A fellow surviver

  3. Hello Dana, my name is Vincent, I am 31 years old,
    and I just found out about you a few days ago, and already I am a big fan of yours. I think you’re such a great person for what you’re doing by helping people understand what’s going on, so they can move on away from narcissistic people and that abuse in their lives.
    Feel free to email me to(imsavingmyselfformarriage@gmail.com)
    Okay so, this is why I am writing you now.
    You have a video on youtube called( Different types of Narcissists ) Here is the URL link to that video ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr4ZSdoCWWU&t=2s )
    After watching it, I posted a comment under your video.
    Here is a copy and paste of what I wrote.
    “Hello Miss Thrive A lot of what you described, describes me. But I have self-control, and I feed off the Bible not off people, to feed my HUGE EGO which is I guess out of control, but I use it against other Narcissist, and to stand up against other bad people. Is it possible that there is such thing as a Good Narcissist out there? Based on what you described. My personality falls under the category of a CEREBRAL narcissist Definition, “The cerebral narcissist “is a know-it-all, haughty and intelligent “computer”. He uses his awesome intellect, or knowledge (real or pretended) to secure adoration, adulation and admiration.” …For the most part, I can relate to the first 75% of that definition, it’s a pretty good description of me. However I disagree with the last part, which says, “to secure adoration, adulation and admiration.” …I guess that would make sense for materialistic cerebral narcissist that values this temporal reality as the pinnacle of their life or overall existence(an Atheist) …So it makes sense because Narcissist do feed off of other people’s pain and suffering, praise, admiration, adoration, veneration, even worship. But I honestly don’t think that last part of the definition applies to me, because since my EGO is at such a high level, that I feed off of my self worth. Since I believe that WE are ALL made in the image of GOD, we are all equal under GOD. So there no other opinion of me out there in the world that matters more than GOD’s opinion of me, and since GOD knows everything I do and think, I therefore force myself to remain well behaved 24/7(for the most part) and so I exercise self-control, because GOD is watching me. The side effect of this is, that it’s hard for me to acknowledge other people’s opinions as accurate as mine, because mine is in line and in sync with GOD’s Will according to the Holy Bible, and GOD commands me to be fair, honest, and to follow the golden rule all the days of my life, which is to treat others as I would want to be treated. And I would want to be treated with respect, and blatant straight forward honesty, even if it can hurt, I always want the truth, so I don’t tell little white lies to make people feel better, I tell everyone the truth even if it hurts, even if it’s a kid, and even if you don’t want to hear it, or even asked for it, because it’s only fair, and because I can’t stand it when people are being deceived by other people and corporation, for whatever reason. I stand for what is right, no matter what. And I’m not here to play favorites, everyone gets treated the same, with the same level of utmost respect. The only problem I have, if you can even call it that, is that since I think like an immortal, and this life is just a test, I tend not to feel empathy for other people’s emotional pain, because since I recognise that this life is just a moral test from GOD that put us here to test us, because of that fact, I find it pointless to cry over every little thing. For example, when my Dad died in 2005, I felt nothing because it’s all just a test, and I will see him again in the afterlife, he went on vacation as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll see him again one day, when I join him soon enough. Death is not the end, it is in fact only the Beginning of Eternity. I don’t think I’m a narcissist, although I might be considered egotistical, know that I am proud of who I am, I have high self-esteem, and my self worth is at an all-time high of 100%. SOLID like a house built upon a rock. Everyone is worth the same in the eyes of GOD, we are all = Brothers and Sisters. I just don’t feel emotional pain like most people do, I lack empathy, but I can do the math, and I recognise everyone true value as = to mine. Everyone’s life matters as much as mine. Everyone is important, there is no such thing as one more important than the other. We are all =, &your life has 100% value, just like mine does, just like we all do. I have had 4 long term friends in my life, they don’t know each other, but they are all hard core narcissist. Their names are Jr, Max, Oscar, and Danielle. And the only reason we stayed friends for so many years is, that I thought I could help them, change for the better. All I was able to do was make a dent in their armour that helps them sleep at night. My biggest weakness is that I have a HUGE EGO, and that is why I never give up, because I was unwilling to accept defeat, I wouldn’t accept failure, so because I wouldn’t leave when any other sane person would have cut their losses right away, because I kept these people in my life, or kept myself in theirs, in this period, my so called friends sucked me dry of my time and money, and years invested in a lost cause. In 2016 I found out what a narcissist was, and the moment I was able to identify the problem, I brought it up to the one that I thought would be the most understanding of the 4, which was Oscar, and he got so upset that I called him on his narcissistic behaviour, that he wanted to end our friendship, however he didn’t deny that what I was saying about him was true, because it was as obvious to him as it was to me. Danielle was so narcissistic that she was self-destructive, craved praise, and hated when I would talk good about myself instead of praising her. And as a matter of fact, all 4 of them share this characteristic in common, they all want praise, and they all hate it when you praise yourself, because in their mind, they are on a pedestal, and you can’t be on the same level as them or higher. So even though I have a huge ego, I would always humble myself to keep the relationships going. And here is the problem with that, Narcissist are attention hogs, they crave attention like crazy. But your attention cost time, and time is money, so if you waste time on a Narcissist there is 100% chance that they will steal your time, and you will lose money, guaranteed. In the coerce of 15 years I lost about $10,000 dollars on these Narcissist, all they can do is take as much as you’re willing to give them, and money comes and goes, but your time, you can never get it back! Do yourself a favor in your life, cut your losses, distance yourself from all the Narcissist in your life, even if they are life-long friends or long term relationship partner. The longer you let this one-sided counter-productive relationship last, the more you stand to lose, time and money on them, and because of them. I ended my unproductive relationships with these Narcissist, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them, it just means that I can’t keep wasting time on them, for that time invested to never bear fruit(yield positive results.) no produce, no advancements with them, over the years I just lost and lost and lost, you can’t change someone that doesn’t really want to change, they are unwilling to recognise that they have a serious problem. Love won’t change them, Religion won’t change them, the only thing that can change them is God, and you are not in that position, the best thing that you can do for them is pray for them, and the best thing you can do for yourself is cut your losses and distance yourself from them, permanently aka FOREVER away from them. Delete their number, block them on facebook, move far away from them if you have to. There are 7 Billion other people in the world that you can invest your time with, not on, but with, meaning (mutually beneficial) an = friendship.You are worth more then a Narcissist can ever value you, a Narcissist will not value you, they don’t value anyone, they will always take you for granted. There are other people in the world that will actually care about you back, and give you back your time, repay your money, and love you back in return, as much as you love them. sincerely.”
    Dana, you can use my story, but lets not mention Oscar’s name, he is a bit of a Psychopath, and I want them all to see your channel, but he is very private, and he might try to take your channel and your website down, and he is a computer hacker, so he can do it if he set his mind to it. So let’s call him Edward. The rest are wannabe Christians and so they won’t hurt you. Point is, all 4 of them are Narcissist, and my desire to help them attracted them to me, if I wasn’t so self-righteous growing up, and Egotistical right now, I would be a lot more hurt than I am. I am more pissed off than emotionally hurt. I am disappointed in myself, I was raised better than this. There is a verse in the Bible that I ignored time and time again, that if I had listened to it, my relationship with these Narcissists would not have continued for over 15 years of misery. These verses are. Matthew 7:6 “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you(rend = attack you and try to tear you to pieces).” AND 2 Timothy 3:1-5 “”But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.”
    …I thought I could change my friends for the better, I thought I have access to supreme knowledge and wisdom, I can do anything Good, because anything is possible.
    But I’m not perfect, and I can’t set an example for anyone else to become perfect. It doesn’t exist in a mortal Man of Woman.

    This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: FROM SUCH TURN AWAY.
    For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.”
    That is a PERFECT Description of an Evil Narcissits,
    because they are evil Men, and evil Women.
    All the evil people in the world are Narcissits/Sociopaths.
    No empathy No Conscience.
    My empathy is neutralised by my World-view of temporal limits(Life is just a test, stop crying about it, and relax, whatever it is, it will pass, everything is going to be okay, we’re all immortal, so who cares about the past)
    However, my Conscience is at 100% because of my Heaven-view of Eternity. Whatever bad thing we do now, can potentially affect us negatively for all eternity, so we must all behave, and treat others with love always and all ways.
    Well Dana, thank you for taking the time to read all this.
    I concider you my friend because you are doing what is right, I look forward to hearing from you,
    have a nice day and a Blessed Life. 🙂

  4. Dear Dana
    I started watching your videos today, only today, after a year and two months of self-destructive behavior post 8 months of relationship with a Narc.
    My story is similar to that of many women: Lovely man with whom I was a friend on Facebook for years, until the year 2015 we started talking exclusively because he adored me. Then, I traveled to South Africa for professional reasons, we met, I was deeply attracted to him and developed a lot of empathy since he has a disability. We started to date and at 6 weeks I moved to his house. He asked me to marry me and I accepted. My relationship with him was not perfect, in fact it was quite frustrating: Triangulation, criticism of my body, sexual selfishness, neglecting and accusations from nothing that I pretended to orgasm or wished to kill him.
    The plans of marriage confused me: He didn´t seem to have actual plans for his own life. One day he wanted to get married, another he told me that when I returned to my country he would visit me. Another day, he did all the inquiries to marry and the next, he told me that he wanted to get married but not so soon. I put solutions for everything, it was my personality who was stopping him, he said. he said I should go to counselling.
    I cope with all, because I was “the only person in the world for him, no one had ever loved me before. All women before me, only wanted to take advantage of him, etc. In his eyes, I went from being a bright and intelligent woman to “Not a pin up but she will lose weight” and receiving daily reminders that I should be thinner.
    I discovered sexting with his ex, who turned out to be someone I knew for work and academy stuff. I had to leave the academic things I was. I had to get away from professional circles. The sex became unsatisfactory for me. When he wanted me he told me that he needed “a service”. And he did not want me to undress. When we were having sex, he praised himself for being with me, a woman with an international academic profile (The challenged had been accomplished) I continued in the relationship, after all, it was my fault, I was not enough and I had to try harder.
    I met his family, he gave me a ring, we talked to my parents. Everything was arranged. As soon as I returned to my country, he began to ignore me, to avoid me, to make excuses for not to talk to me, saying that he would visit me in December, then in January, then in March.
    After a long month in which I was coldly ignored, not even answer my greetings, erased my comments on his facebook, accused me of being clingy, temperamental and pressuring him and calling me only when he wanted cybersex, it was my duty as a fiancee. He made me wait two hours on Skype for a conversation with my parents. He then ended up with me by email, promising that he would send a bottle of my favorite shampoo as a gift and that I still had to keep my promise to write an article with him for a website where I am a columnist.
    For the next 7 months, I was hoovered. I confess that I also look for that too. I wanted to fix the relationship and try again, since it was all my fault. I sent him a Christmas present and one for his birthday. I wrote messages he never answered me. I wrote him long letters telling him how much I loved him, that he needed me to understand that he had hurt me but that I forgave him and loved him. He said he will read my last letter. During those months, I asked him to send me some personal things left in his house. He only returned them to me in May of this year, asking me not to contact him any more, not to send him anything else. Then he sent me two emails asking if I had received them. I went hoovered again and again. Then he did not answer my emails anymore.
    In October I returned to South Africa for studies. After a month I contacted him by whatssap asking for a closure conversation…. I missed him too. He did not answer, but he called me one day “by mistake”. The same week one of his co female workers contacted me to meet for a coffee. I asked him if this was ok. He said nothing. I got angry, suspecting he was playing me, I went to his house and left my engagement ring in the post box. He started sending me pokes on Facebook. I asked him if he still loved me. He said nothing. I told him that I loved him but that I needed a closure. I called him, he said he could not see me that week, but the next he could, at his house. I asked him if he had a relationship, he did not say anything. I asked him why he was hiding the truth … I could not take it any longer, I opened my hear, I told him how much I had loved him, how much I had missed him, that I wanted him back, that I could make it work, etc. He said he was in a relationship with the woman who tried to meet me. That same night the photos of them were all over Facebook. I wanted to die. I even thought seriously about throwing myself into the sea. The pain was unbereable. The day after, he sent a message saying he wante to meet me to give me a book that is mine and was at his house. I said “I saw the pictures”. He blocked me again.
    I used to be a successful woman, a shinning star, travelling the world motivating women to have respect for themselves. I can not do it any more. I no longer have confidence in me. I am stuck in the phase of wondering if I am really crazy or if everything was my fault. I feel very embarrassed and I am pained by the idea that if such a man rejected me, I am not worth anything. He has already redone his life and seems happy. A year has passed and I still can not connect with the woman I used to be. Never again I wrote a paper, I no longer give lectures, I do not do anything, only what is necessary to survive. I only know that I don’t want this anymore, and I have faith that I will get out one day.

  5. Dear Grace,
    I would love to share some positive toughts with you! And I hope they can give you and some other survivors out there some hope 🙂
    I`m not commenting in the internet normalwise and my english is not very good (I`m german), I hope you can understand it anyway.
    I was going through the same horror. My story is quite similar to yours and I can understand your feelings of shame and destruction. I am a therapist, so I can fully understand how unbelievable it seems that you could fall for that.

    It broke my heart when I read you last sentence and I know there are so many people out there who feel similar right now.
    I wanted to tell you and everyone else something very important about your feelings of destruction, shame and guilt: It will pass, maybe slowly but it will pass. And it will leave a better, stronger and happier you in the end. I know how deeply destroyed you feel right now as I was going trough the same, but now one year later I can tell you: This realtionship and all the trauma and damage it caused made me finally the person I always wanted to be, as I had to learn from it and to grow to be able to survive. I lost my seperation anxiety, I deeply and honestly learned to love myself and the most important, I know my value and I have healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. No Narcissist will ever be able to hurt me again. That is the biggest gift life could give me and I truly believe it was the reason that this people were sent to me in the past.
    I wish you a lot of strength and I am sure, you will make it and you will be able to earn the fruits of your labour at one point!
    I send you much love and inner peace,
    A

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