“Grace’s” Story

narcissistic behavior in relationships
My name is “Grace” and I’m in my early 30’s.
I’m from the UK but met a man from the US online a few months ago lets call him “John.” He claimed he was moving to the UK, and that he already had his location set to my town when I came across him. He seemed amazing. Incredibly attractive, interested in me told me he loved me very quickly.  He lavished me with compliments told me I was his heart, and sent me a picture of a ring and even wedding destinations that we would elope to.
He said he was looking at places for us to live and stupid me I fell for it–and I’m a mental health nurse. I started to suspect he was a narcissist when he began telling me very over-the-top stories like that he was a pilot, and that he worked in PR with huge celebrities–even claiming that Elton John had hit on him. He said his family had houses in Hawaii,  and that he made 100s of thousands of dollars a year, yet he just recently left his job. Then he dropped the bombshell that he was also a Navy Seal.
Then the put downs started.  He began telling me that I needed veneers; that I was too skinny, that he was disgusted by my body; he belittled my job, the way I look, and the way I spell…but that he loved me because he knew I’d be there for him.  He would shut down emotionally anytime I tried to confront him, and everything was always my fault. He’d say horrible things to me, yet I had to apologize. Every day he had a different date to move here but then he had legal issues and the bank withheld his money, he had no passport, his passport got lost in the mail, there was a hurricane, he had a big game to go to, he was deathly ill, then a movie premiere, and so on.
He had no concrete plans as to what to do when he got here. He claimed he was into violent sex.  He said is ex was boring yet on the other hand spoke about how much money she had, everything was always about money, money, money. I would see on Facebook that the majority of people he was befriending were glamorous women. I tried to cut things off with him, but he’d draw me back in with the dream of a life I never had growing up–and that I was his heart and that he wanted to marry and have children.
I began to feel paranoid and distrusting. He started to withdraw contact from me, and could not give a moving date. He he said he was sick and had not spoke to anyone yet. The amount of his female friends online started to sky rocket, and when I asked him about it, he said that I  was paranoid and imagining things.
He’d ask for my address saying he wanted to send me flowers, etc., and nothing ever came. I’m not materialistic, but I was upset about the broken promises. He would say I was uptight, and that I needed to relax–that everything was my fault and that I was making too big of a deal out of things–and I believed him.
I didn’t have much growing up.  I lost my parents and worked hard. I never open up to people, but I did to him.  My biggest fear is rejection and abandonment, and he said he’d never leave.  He showed me the dream I always wanted:marriage, children, and a home, but never had any plans to follow through with any of that. I had a death in my family and never once did he ask how I was, it was about him being sick and my negative phone call ruined his day. He finally told me he didn’t love me and completely blocked and discarded of me. He blocked facebook, on my phone, and everything.  He told me what a hateful person I am. I went to the lowest depth. He opened up wounds he knew were there: me being rejected and abandoned. As a mental health nurse I suspected he had NPD, and I began taking notes.
Here’s my list of what I noticed:
• Talks about himself incessantly
• Displays little emotional intelligence
• Lack of empathy
• Extreme arrogance
• Excessively speaks about money
• Ignorant to other people’s feelings
• Inability to put himself in my shoes
• Empty promises
• Grandiose
• Controlling
• Not supportive
• Talks to other women
• Does not pay compliments
• Does not acknowledge my achievements, milestones, birthdays, deaths
• Talks about his
• Moves too fast too soon and speaks about violent sex
• Lies
• No concrete plan
• His words don’t match his actions
• Put downs
• Insensitive comments
• Ignorant to other circumstances, culture etc.
• Withdraws affection
I went from being allegedly the most important woman in his world to a piece of dirt on his shoe, and he said he was moving on. He’d laugh when I’d cry, and say I was needy.  I feel so broken, just where do I go from here?
Please help.
I feel so damaged as I should have seen this coming, especially since I am a mental health nurse. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
“Grace”

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

2 Comments

  1. Dear Grace, horrible. Rest asure, you are not the only one with a story like this. Therefore, do not feel ashamed, and being a mental health nurse, has nothing to do with wehter you fall for a guy like this or not. It shows you care for people and that you have a big heart. And in general terms, that means you were a perfect target for a person who is exactly the opposite. I have just ended a marriage of 10 years with my narc. I can give you this advise. What he did, said, etc is unbelievably cruel, rude and what have you..I could use other words, but I want to stay polite. DO NOT give this lifeform, any more attention than you have already done, he cannot be changed, what he did was done, any energy you still give him by even thinking about what happened and what he is doing now etc, is feeding his existance. Instead, the thing you CAN do, as I have done, is focus on WHY you fell for someone like him, or even more important, why you continued with him after the first signs of abuse and misconduct. That is the thing you need to get to the bottom off, also to prevent this from ever happening again. 8 yrs into my marriage, I started to read into narcissism and codependency, and dived into my own need for acceptance and approval, and my lack of ove attention and appreciation by my parents while I was young and growing up. You told us a little bit already, seems like you have started to see some pointers yourself. “I lost my parents and worked hard. I never open up to people, but I did to him. My biggest fear is rejection and abandonment, and he said he’d never leave. He showed me the dream I always wanted:” Narcs have a nose for the weaknesses of other people. The play and fake their way into your heart, as they know exactly what you needed to hear. I know, I have been there too. This fear of rejection and abondonment, is exactly what got you into this relationship (I dont want to call it that actually. as it was not a relationship) and what KEPT you in the relationship. Fear. Old fear from when you were younger. Seek help from a therapist who is experienced in this area; I did, she saved my life. Do research on narcissism, there a great channels on youtube. And start mending your own heart. Once you start doing that, you will notice, the fear of abandonment and approval will slowly, slowly, slowly, disappear. I started my journey to the exit sign of this marriage three years ago. It took me 5 years to get him to leave the house and our child, 2 years of councelling, 15 books on narcissism, countless hours on the phone with friends, countless hours on the internet and youtube doing research on myself and this narcissism, to understand that it was not about him, this perfect sexy man who loved me to the stars and back, my soulmate, my husband and friend forever, or so I thought, that I was acking over so much, missing so much. But it was the pain from long long long ago that needed to be healed, to never accept anyone treating me like this again. You will not allow it anymore dear Grace, as you will forgive yourself for falling in love with this manform as you missed love so badly in your life. But this Disney movie, turned out to be Hell from Halloween. Return the dvd, and fix your own system. You can do it. I did it. And pray. Lots of love, you are not alone Grace.

  2. Dear Grace,

    It broke my heart to read your story. Sadly, it sounded all too familiar. You pointed out that you are a mental health nurse, with the implication (as I understand it), that despite this profession and feeling that you should have “known better” even you did not see through the deception soon enough. You should not feel bad, because being a third party to someone else’s plight often times makes us see things far more clearly than we do when it comes to our own relationships.

    I can empathize and relate deeply to your story, because, from what I understand, I have been in a relationship with a narcissist as well. I did not find out what full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) entailed until after the end of my relationship – when I was trying to make sense of all the confusing messages I had been receiving, the sudden smear campaigns from her and her friends. How did I go from being the perfect partner to being an abusive monster in the matter of a few weeks? How did the slightest disagreement with her constitute “battery” on my part?

    I am really grateful that you share your story, because too many people are not familiar with NPD and the emotional trauma that it can leave you with. Many people who do not understand the full effects that emotional abuse can have speak about narcissism in a minimalizing fashion, as if it was simply someone looking into the mirror a little too often or takes too many selfies. No … it is far, far worse than that. The sheer callousness, unfeeling attitude, cold discard that follows is hard to compare to any other type of abuse.

    What really makes narcissists destroyers of life is that they find what hurts you most – and they do it _perfectly_.

    Yours,
    A fellow surviver

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