“Patty’s” Story

narcissistic behavior in relationships

Dear Dana,

I just got done watching 3 of your YouTube videos.
I have been in a state of disbelief and denial about my ex being a true narcissist.

I have wanted to tell my story but wanted to remain anonymous.
Please share this so that other women can know they are not alone.
I have been to that counselor, I mentioned in a previous email, about 5 times now. He has 40+ years of experience in social services and is well versed in domestic situations. He reminds me that I am strong and amazing because I had the courage to leave. To question the disturbing element and not stand for the lies, abuse, discard any longer and left. He has also expressed his anxiety (yes, he said anxiety on two different occasions, that I would go back to my ex. He is correct in being concerned.

Even today, if my ex-D- were to call and apologize, or show up and apologize(which wont happen, I moved out of state) I cant say without a doubt that I wouldn’t go back to him. I miss the person I thought he was so immensely…
My counselor also helped me to realize that this is not my first experience w/narcissists, and that I am valuable, even alone.
He, also, told me about the average of 7 times to leave- I did not take notice until I actually, just now, counted the times I have left…7. This last move, out of state, out of his house- Seven times.
Mind f$%ed 7 times.
I have been struggling with wanting him to contact me, and being hurt that he hasn’t, but understanding deep down that no good will come of it. I am hurt and dismayed that he can move on so callously- after all the time, effort, emotion- not to mention 10’s of thousands of dollars I put into the 6+ years I spent with(and without) him- Pining for him- always making the first move, first contact, just to keep him in my life.

I do not have a degree, but I am a highly intelligent, warm, fun loving person (the past few months you would have a hard time seeing that in me though). I am 45 years old and would never have imagined that:
1. This kind of emotional abuse could or would happen to me
2. This kind of emotional abuse would happen at the hands of HIM. He was the one that said soul mate, past lives, twin flames, dreams, coincidences in out history…

I have been torn with hurt and anger and confusion over him not contacting me.
It’s still very hard to accept.

Your videos
paraphrasing—
‘Am I the one hoovering’
‘What is the grand finale’
‘What to expect in a breakup with the narc’

and the others I have watched,

ARE SO HELPFUL.

I still look at my phone, and emails in the hopes that he’ll contact me, but that’s just ego. I KNOW he does not truly love me, not the same way I love/loved him. Even before I learned that he was a narcissist, I knew that his type of ‘loving me’ was not enough.

Now I am estranged from him and his 16 year old daughter(I’ve known her since she was 9- I treated her as my own) at their own hands. He supported her behavior and disrespect of me…

This has been the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
I have considered a prescription medication to help, but the more I pray, meditate, think good thoughts,, and honestly, just keep moving, I feel better everyday and hope I will not need to be on medication.

I have to step away from the NARC Support sites(I follow 4- yours is one) because it feels so negative but I do check in everyday.

Thank you for sharing your story and to help other women to see their worth.
I know I didn’t tell my story and that is because I am at work and I wanted to tell you how much your support and knowledge has helped me… I am grateful and I now know that my mission as a empath/healer includes helping other women, young and old, to see that they are worthy, just as they are.

I am available to help in any way I can.
Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Patty P

If you would like to share part of your story, please email it to: mystory@thriveafterabuse.com.

Also, please make sure to let me know of any name changes you’d like to have made–and please keep details vague enough to protect your identity and/or location if this is a concern.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

13 Comments

  1. I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART WHICH IS WILLING TO HELP THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN VICTIMS OF MALIGNANT NARCISSISM ABUSE. AND I ADMIRE AND COMMEND YOU FOR IT!

  2. IT TAKES COURAGE TO STILL HAVE THE GUTS AND THE OPEN HEART-TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH WHAT ORDEALS, ONE HAS GONE THROUGH, WHILE IN THE ILL-ACQUAINTANCE OF THESE VERY SICK PEOPLE-WHO ARE SOUL MURDERERS AND EMOTIONAL TERRORISTS.
    TO SAY NOTHING ABOUT ONE’S OWN ORDEAL, BECAUSE OF INTIMIDATION, EMBARRASSMENT AND/OR FEAR-IS ALLOWING NARCISSISTIC ABUSE TO RUN AMOK AND CONTINUE!
    HAVE COURAGE TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

  3. Dear both,thank you both for sharing these insights. I have only recently discivered i am in a similar situation. And still cant believe it.. In shock i am. A friend of mine just divorced her narc husband, but hé is violently agressive now towards her and their six year old son . But the son has to go visit and sleep over at his dans..court order..He is wetting his bed again and didnt speak anymore. Mum and son are desperate. Cant afford a lawyer.. And both judge, as attorney believe the dad.. He is such a charming handsome man who lies to everybody. Does anybody have any advise for her and her son? She is losing costody to him.. Such a nightmare. And the reason i dare not divorce my narc.. We have a six year old daugter.. Thank you. Your messages are extremely helpful

  4. Patty’s story almost mirrors my story to a T. I have shared some of your videos on twitter & though my narc blocked me, I did not block him so I could rub it in how I have moved on because I know he still looks at my posts. Though he blocked me, I can still see his tweets. Even though I have gone “no contact” for 3 months now, he posts statements directed at me that I “an’t move on”& that I have a “ad life.”I do believe it is in direct correlation to the fact that I post your vids & am exposing him for what he is-but NEVER mentioning his name/handle, etc. I look back & see how everything you talk about happened to me-the love bombing/over-evaluation/infatuation (mine was talking marriage within the first couple months),the devaluation & finally,the discard. He is a pathetic individual. I can’t believe that I came so close to actually getting serious with this guy, but there was always conflict. Mostly because I am a strong woman who questions things. When I started questioning him, he said I was “sabotaging” the relationship. Stuff didn’t add up. He DMs my twitter friends & tells them that I am a horrible person. I know this because they tell me. He never once apologized for anything I brought to his attention that was hurtful, but would find a way to twist it & make it look like I was the problem. He brought his mother into our disagreements (of course she thinks he is perfect). Thank you for all you do. Keep on keepin’ on!

  5. Narcissists are chameleons They adapt and mirror and mimic They keep up their appearance of loving you and caring etc etc But you must make the distinction that they are not integrated personalities They are split off They can be physically dangerous and are always dangerous to you emotionally The narc I knew went from blue as in nice and peaceful and seemingly caing to Red with rage at rejection and attempts to dominate me and push and force me Let go of them and help yourself

  6. Glad I can help! I’m also glad that you can now spot the signs of problematic behavior–and how to avoid getting tangled up with it again. Ya dodged an emotional bullet by getting rid of this guy. I wish you all the best in this next chapter in your life–and I hope you make it the best one yet. Remember, the best revenge really is a great life! <3

  7. I know how you feel about wanting him to call or email and being upset that he don’t,also knowing that nothing good will come of it if he did. The hardest part is knowing that he never loved me and isn’t even capable of real feelings. I am in love with the man he pretended to be. It shouldn’t be so hard to stop loving someone I know wasn’t real. I have no respect for the man he really is. When I think about it with my brain it shouldn’t be hard,but my heart just won’t cooperate. It’s good not being alone and having people who understand what it’s like. I’m not happy any of us have to go thru it though. Unless you’ve experienced it personally you just can’t understand. Good luck and God bless you. Thank you for sharing .

  8. I myself have been with a covert narc for nine years now. Four years where truely heavenly, but we were then living in his country. After we moved to my country, it became five years of living hell. Still in it.
    Do they willingly hurt people? Or is that the difference between a sociopath and a narc? I keep reading things like They lure people into their web, etc. Are they aware of this themselves, or do they unwillingly or unconsciously behave in these jawdropping outrageous ways? I am really struggling with this. Cant believe he would do the stuff he is doing on purpose. Thank you

  9. Some Narcissists knowingly and willfully hurt people, and some don’t–and this is one of the main differences between the two. There is a saying out there that, “All Sociopaths are Narcissists, but not all Narcissists are Sociopaths”, which perhaps helps to sum it up. There is a lot of overlap between the two personality disorders, and you could ask 10 different professionals and probably get at least 5 different answers, as getting an accurate diagnosis is less of a science and more of an art.

    However, I would encourage you to not focus on determining the differences between the two disorders (although I can understand wanting to know what kind of person you experienced), as they both are full of toxic behavior. What’s important for you from here on out is to be able to spot problematic behavior in others–as well as within yourself. Meaning, examining your own boundaries and standards and seeing if there are any areas that need work (sometimes our boundaries are just fine–it’s just that these people are REALLY good con artists and we don’t see them coming). I’m sorry that you have gone through so much with this man, but please know that you are not alone in your experience. There are LOTS of kind, decent, good people that get caught up with these people. If you haven’t already joined the support group, I would encourage you to do so: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum (((hugs)))

  10. If there is a domestic violence shelter in your area, I would encourage you to have her contact them. They can sometimes help with finding an attorney. She also needs to keep a papertrail of what her ex is doing to her and her son–meaning keeping texts and taking pictures of any proof that she can that he is being abusive. …The fact that her son is regressing and wetting the bed is often a sign of stress in children. I’m not sure if you have a child’s protective services area near you, but they would be a good resource as well. …And yes, it is a total nightmare when the abusive person spinds everything around and goes for custody. …There are many support groups out there, and I would encourage her to join a few of them. Here is a link to mine if she’s interested: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

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