“I Dodged A Bullet, I’m Happy Right?” (An Internet Romance – A Cautionary Horror)
Get ready for one of the worst stories you might have ever read. It’s going to be raw with the details. I don’t want to forget them. It will make me look as positively stupid as one can imagine. I hate that, but I’m not innocent either. I am willing to be square with that if it’s what i need to heal.
I wanted to find a way to justify suicide by the end of this experience, and I still struggle with wanting to not wake up. That is progress. I don’t know what lies ahead of me in life. I will seek help, but it feels like there is no happy ending like I had in mind at this point.
It’s been three weeks since I fled the N who private messaged his way into my life.
Almost everything about this person fits every single stereotype of a narcissist and as creative as I tend to be, I could not have fabricated these particular details. I’ll go chronologically and point out the earmarks that are classic–it will help me to process and heal, I’m reading and learning as much as I can.
Me: 51 year old woman. No kids. Never been married. Yes, I could be the suspicious, “Why not?” in everybody’s stories. The answer as I try to make sense of my life is, quite possibly C-PTSD. Weirdly, with as many doctor, psychiatrist, and psychologist visits, I have never been diagnosed with C-PTSD, even after hearing my background and history of child abuse, neglect, and torment from an older brother, not to mention various and sundry sexual abuses.
Did I minimize the abuse? I might be good at derailing a therapist for all I know. Or, are they just not tuned into this? The closest I’ve ever come is with a therapist I found to be what I would consider to be aggressive. According to her, my anxiety has been higher than my depression.
I don’t have substance addictions. I’ve never tried drugs or even marijuana. I was a bartender who drank too much one quarter during college before I was diagnosed with depression and ended up in the school counseling center for the first time in my life (age 23) just letting the words, “Can I see somebody? I think I want to kill myself.” fall out without shame. I was so polite about it. Even after the nice doctor talked with me, I refused his nice offer to try an anti-depressant. No, I would go this alone, thanks. I would rather kill myself than take prescription meds and whatever stigma that carried? I stopped drinking mostly. And, now I am pretty well a complete non drinker (one drink a year, maybe?)
A few years later, after a ‘breakup’ (if you can call what we had any sort of relationship) with a very mean person, I went to a particularly empathic regular doctor who convinced me to give antidepressants a go just to “see out of a different set of lenses for awhile.” I’ve now had access to meds that are considered addictive, but they sit in my cabinet. I save them in case I come up against something that exceeds my threshold to cope…just in case. And, for perspective…I took 3 in one day on my trip to meet this recent narc I had fallen in love with online.
We met by accident on Twitter – or so I thought. This is the story that I have been telling everybody; it somehow feels less embarrassing than a dating site. I’m now fairly convinced , however, that he trolls a certain news story (he’s obsessed with it) for women.
In January 2016, there was a news story in my area that was so compelling to me that I created a Twitter account just to follow it. I didn’t know how to use Twitter and quickly became an expert. Our group would use a certain hashtag (#) to bring us all together to continue following this story as it goes to court.
This person had a cute screenname that fit the story. His avatar changed often. He would post new photos of himself doing various activities. He tended to agree with my viewpoint. The ‘hooks’ for me that got me a little excited every time I could tell he was online were: photo of him with an electric guitar (plus later youtube videos – ahh, my very own hidden rockstar, photo of him sitting at a nice desk in a modern office with framed certificates that covered the wall behind him–I was intrigued, and photos of him with various critters (I train animals) from his area (snakes, possoms). His side stories were fun to me.
I learned the following things before I ever met him face-to-face (it’s important to remind myself that what followed should really have never been a shock, even though I would like to conveniently think so):
* Is generally into women who are older than he (a huge plus!! I get to be the ‘young one.’). I am the youngest person he’s ever considered and it’s almost weird to him (I’m only 5 years younger.)
* He is divorced (3 years). Married for 27 years. 2 grown daughters.
* His wife was a good cook and he misses that.
* He misses having sex with her. She didn’t want the ‘kids’ to hear, so started turning him down. He was furious about that.
* Blames the divorce on her wanting to be a mother again (instead of a wife) by doting on their new grandchild.
* He ‘won’ in his divorce (explained that in his state there is a winner/loser). She should have taken his original offer; she was stupid and ended up with less in the end. Retold this story to me over and over.
* She took random and weird things when she left–lids to pans, one nightstand and one lamp.
* Has since had a 3-way.
* Likes to watch porn because, “Hey, I’m a single guy. What do you expect?” When I issued a girlish “EWWW!” he softened it to, “Well, I only like to watch amateur videos and married couples. Maybe I’ll stop, who knows?”
* Would think it would be neat to maybe see real couples having sex, even though he isn’t a swinger.
* “I’m not a jealous guy because…hey, I know I’m takin’ her home.”
* On a weekend night, he might have met with some friends at a local joint for awhile and then came back onto Twitter before calling it a night.
* Likes to go out and dance once in awhile.
* Doesn’t know where his daughters are because his wife poisoned them against him.
* Wife has poisoned his mother against him. She has dementia and partially blind and his ex-wf just wants a likely small inheritance, so keeps his mother close, even though she came from a large family of her own.
* He lost her entire family when they got divorced and misses them.
* Sisters: One is ‘crazy’ (bi-polar) and the other one he had to cut out because she only uses him when she needs money. Doesn’t speak to either because his wife also poisoned them too.
* Daughters don’t speak to him because wife poisoned them against him also. They only want to speak to him when they need something like car repair, but now they’re too embarrassed to call him.
* Father beat him ruthlessly as a child and then abandoned them when he was 7.
* Father told him that he would become arsonist. “What kind of thing is that for a father to tell a son?”
* HInted at “Yeah, I’m ADD or whatever.”
* Moved away into isolation with a g/f he ‘tricked’ into liking him when he was 17. They grew marijuana on a farm together.
* Mushrooms and acid were really amazing. Loved them. (I’m really making myself sound sick for liking this person. It gets worse as I read my own writing.)
* He is REALLY into his body. Thinks people are admire him. LOTS and lots of emphasis and photos of his body (I read about this type of N on this site)
* Really into tough online, bring-it-on, “I know how to fight military style” stuff. Come get a piece of me.
* 56 years old
* Brags constantly about his CIA connections and high-level govt. projects. Special privileges that he gets.
* He used to steal.
We had in common:
* Physically violent childhoods.
* Problems with a sibling.
* Death of a parent (both of my; his father)
* ADHD (I hate this too)
* Military knowledge – me being the child of parents who had high security clearance. Quite familiar with his world.
He had a tendency to start Twitter fights. He wasn’t very good at them and his favorite thing to say was, “I gave you a chance, but now I have to block you!.” He was kind of funny and, like I say, he was just kind of endearing to me a little bit. Which was great because I was feeling bad about an old relationship that continues
to resurface after…wait for it…28 years (also a strong possible N, but a successful one)..Plus, I just live in an area of the U.S. that seems to be dry of interesting-to-me men (esp. if you are not a member of the dominant religion–anybody who knows those words will know which religion I’m speaking of-it is relevant to the story).
Sometimes I would bail him out of a self-started Twitter war with a more clever comeback than he had. It was a collusion of sorts. I’ve joked, “Are you out starting fights again?” He would reply, “It’s fun. These people are so stupid.” [FLAG]
ONE DAY, he posted a joke about a stereotypical, abusive caveman husband type…”Get me my dinner, woman!” I replied to it as though I were a doormat (known types in my area because of the religion) with, “Anything to get you to notice me.” Kiss of death.
Boom. I received an private message, “I noticed you. You are the prettiest cartoon girl in all of Twitter.” (My avatar was a cartoon that looks similar to me.) Aww, wasn’t that cute? It was to me and I was SO excited that the one I kind of liked tweeting with in our group gave me the personal message. Made me feel all happy inside since my real life was just sort of dry and there was one real asshole from high school I had recently run into in my very own office–turns out he is renting a space in our building. Someone else who also gave all sorts of mixed messages to me: excited to see me and sent me a text just after he left, “Let’s keep in touch!” and then acting like I was trying to marry him. We go way back and it’s so annoying. Or, I’m annoying. I don’t know which end is up at this point.
So, Twitter Guy (N) and I lightly chatted. It kept my own ego afloat, I suppose. One day, I took it up a level when high school guy went out of his way to tell me that he is unavailable to even hang out in the courtyard to catch up on life because, “I’m dating several women.” Ugh. He probably means ‘younger’ women. He is still in the middle of a divorce and had just moved back to this area. So, I ran to Twitter guy. He would understand!
He would give me a great, big cyber hug. And, he did. And, I see now that I was flirting. “What a dick!” (I suppose he should know, but it probably just gave him an idea, who knows? Maybe my high school guy is now his hero?) Well, he continued talking with me privately. I could pout a bit and he would tell me little amusing things about his life where he lives and maybe a little about hi ex too. Just a sharing of story for story kind of thing.
Then one day, it turned sexual. I have deleted my Twitter account now and it was so far back that I don’t’t recall how he introduced the topic, but it worked. He LOVED what he thought was my clever response and has repeated it to me many times. How is it possible to be this turned on in a private message? WOW. Wow wow wowowow. But, ridiculous…he lives 2K mi. away. Total frustration.
Then, I started working him into my conversations with family & friends. “I kind of met someone by accident on Twitter.” They were all excited, except that I, of all people, happen to belong to ‘survivor’ groups. My friends are activists in this realm. I had to be careful because there would be questions. But, for the most part, “Oh fun!” Yeah, super fun.
The trouble started pretty early. He had my number so that we could text. “Can I call you? I want to hear your voice.”
“Because, it will feel too intimate and voices sort of freak me out.”
Rrrring..my phone rang immediately. “It’s better to just get over it.” [FLAG]
Next was his use of crude (to me0 terms constantly: pussy, cock, dick, tits. You name it. [FLAG] I said, “Ok, those sort of freak me out.” Then, “Well, what else should I call them? I think pussy sounds like a nice, soft word!. Those are NORMAL words. I AM A NORMAL GUY!” Cringe. (He would continue to tell me how ‘normal’ he is all the time in the future—this was very important to him.) He insisted on being right. [FLAG]
He broke up with me because of this…I’m from this area and “a church girl who is far too uptight.” I’m not a church girl nor do I think I would be considered uptight. And about half of my life has been spent in CA and being exposed to many, many things; especially as the daughter of a Navy man.
“I’m not going to pursue you any further.” Boom. Like all those he had blocked on Twitter before me, he was gone. I was sad. No more happy, fun talk. [FLAG] The silence lasted about exactly around a week. During that week, it looked like he had gone on a fighting tangent on Twitter… and some of my very own words and concepts were flying out of his tweets. My God. [FLAG]
Then, I saw that he got himself into a pickle on Twitter with our group of friends. He made fun of someone with ‘cankles.’ Smart women jumped all over him and blocked him. Infighting. He didn’t apologize, but kept trying to defend how it was ok for him to do this. [FLAG]
But, the loneliness and sadness were overwhelming to me. I have no addictions, remember? Or, do I? I broke the silence finally. Let’s call him Hank. “Hank, I am hesitating to press the Send button. Here I go.” Told him I had missed him basically.
He replied right back telling me that he had missed me so much too and can he call and talk? OMG, relief!!! Instant relief! The talk was so healing and comforting. I wanted to be in his arms.
Guess what he said? “I just want to hold you and hold you and make you feel so safe and wanted. I want you to hold me too.” The high from that was unbelievable.
That evening, I was on my way to a sex survivor event with my BFF who specializes in this realm. I was in a car full of other likewise educated women. Hank texted me in the car. I had a hard time containing my happiness. Yes, I still miss him too. Went to tell him a humorous story about how I discovered that my dog had eaten a feminine hygiene product out of my trash. To be interesting, I called it an “unmentionable.”
He flew back at me immediately with, “Do you mean a tampon?”
“THEN USE THE WORD TAMPON, WE ARE ALL ADULTS HERE!”
Phew. I read it aloud to the group of women I was with. Sadness. Did he really just get ornery? [FLAG]
I replied, “I’ll use whichever words I choose.” The women cheered.
“So, I have to guess what you mean all the time?”
“Yes. Well, no…you don’t have to I guess, lol”
Some sort of not-so-nice response after that. And then I did what I do best…injected a bit of humor to diffuse. Somehow we got through the night and he continued to speak to me. My bad, but at least the attention would continue was my reasoning. I wasn’t ready to be cutoff again and I guess neither was he.
Pretty soon he was talking about the possibility of us meeting and putting it in the sweetest ways. “Would you consider a trip to meet me? I’ll pay.” Yes, I would consider.
The love poured in. [FLAG] I loved that he would private message, call, text, and even Skype to me constantly. We both pretty well said that we were going to work just as an obligation, but this was making work so much more fun for both of us. We are approximately evenly matched in skills and pay. It brought some itty bit of giddy-ness and happiness to both of us, apparently. We would both race home to continue our conversations.
“I want to hold you so much. I just want to gaze deep into your eyes and tell you how much I adore you. I just can hardly wait.”
“Well, what do you think? When do you think we might actually meet?”
“Should we plan it?”
“Yeah, maybe we should.”
“Jessica, you look up the flights, ok? I’m not good at that sort of thing. I’ll give my credit card or you pay and I’ll pay you back.” Nope, he’ll pay. I’m not doing a payback situation.
So, I found flights and he gave his credit card. We did it.
“I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW YOU OFF WHEN YOU GET HERE!” [FLAG] How about just enjoying each other?
Somewhere in there, I had confessed to being raped (sodomized) by my last boyfriend…3 years ago. Instead of outright shock and empathy, “Yeah, with anal, it can be good, but you have to go slow.” ?????? “I went out with a woman whose husband had raped her and kept bugging her to do it too, and she left him to be with me. I showed her how amazing it could be.” [FLAG] ??????????????
I don’t remember, but I thought I was pretty clear that this was not appealing…whatsoever. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough–was I afraid of losing him? Not sure. Maybe I steered the conversation away? I can’t remember.
And then just before I left, I happened to see a PBS documentary about couples who fell in love online and a very neat success story. “I could tell I was falling in love with him online, but we booked 8 days in a neutral place to see if in person would be the same.” It was and they are happily married. This is PBS, so…maybe this will be me!!! OMG, finally a happy happy thing for me! I am so so so happy.
I told this to him and he said, “I really think I’m falling in love with you. You are so special, neat, smart, and funny. I really just cannot wait to hold you and be inside of you. I love you, Jessica.” Those are really lovely words, are they not? I felt the exact, same way. He told me about his house and his simple life and…I could go for that.
My main life disappointment in life was with someone who had major prestige and incredible wealth and privilege. I wasn’t good enough for him (I felt it from his family and him and myself when I was younger.) I could be happy with someone on my level. My God, how fun! We will earn our retirements together and care for each other.
I told my family and friends I was going. No negotiation. Tickets are already purchased. “I’m going to take a chance.” Family was behind me 100%. Experienced, educated BFF wasn’t at all. She refused to watch my dog for me and worried about my safety because of “his volatile nature.” I was SO angry with her that I blocked her on my phone. No way. Her husband was equally abusive and I had NEVER not been there for her or criticized her for returning and making up with him. I was furious.
I told this to Hank and he said, “WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME???!???? DUMP THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW! THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. I DON’T WANT HER RUINING OUR TRIP!” [FLAG] We had a common enemy. I was willing to walk away from a 25 year friendship because…this. To calm him down, I said I had blocked her and that i don’t want to have an upset conversation with her and ruin our trip. We would forget about her for now.
So, I went shopping and took him with me via photos. We had SO much fun in the prep for this trip. Nails. Cute new clothes. Visit to the dr. for birth control options.
Running all over town. It was so fun and happy. And then he said, “OMG, i just love you so much.”
It was said. I heard it. “I love you too. I love you so much. I just can’t even wait.”
I got special permission at work to work remotely. How incredible. I don’t even have to use vacation time! The agreement was we would both work hard at our jobs W-F and see each other at night and then we still have the weekend and part of another week. How fun!
Told him I was shopping for pajamas just for ‘us.’ Something that was so soft he would just love to be next to. OMG, he just loved that. Told him that maybe a pretty camisole for the top. “I don’t like white; I like an off white.” Hmm…pretty specific on his ‘gift’ but ok. I went high quality. Nordstrom and then the bridal dept.
where I found a beautiful top. Why not? It’s us and we are going to have fun. [FLAG]
Discussion about birth control. “At your age you need to get on the pill. It will smooth out mood swings. We did it for my daughter.” ???? [FLAG] (I’ve never had to be on it before…when I tried, it was awful. I already have to cave to seizure and antidepressants. I don’t’T want to add anything else if I don’t need to.)
“What would you think about a vasectomy?”
“No problem! I won’t be affected at all in my performance (eww..), but you’ll benefit from birth control. Get into your dr. ASAP. I don’t even know if I can have sex with a condom.” [FLAG] “I take testosterone shots and I can’t perform several times in a night like I used to.” (TMI)
“I don’t care if you can never ‘perform’ at all, truthfully. We can always figure *something* out. If we like and love each other, what a gift. Really, what a real gift in life.”
He agreed. And then the thing that was the real heart cincher, “JessicaLee, I would be so honored to have you in my life.” I started crying with happiness. He used the word “Honored,” I would have never imagined that. My prince. My my my very own prince…who can play the guitar. Finally, my day has arrived.
And then a tiny joke from him, I tried to forget it. “So and so told me that women from your area are really easy to manipulate.” Laugh. Hmm…I cautiously laughed also. [FLAG] We moved past this I should have asked questions, but it seemed like we knew what the other was talking about.
We had also worked out the crude word thing. I said, “If you really want to turn me on? I’ll let you in on a secret…tell me you are going to fix the kitchen sink. Pull out a tool. omg.” He had a good laugh about that and really played on it…”Oh yeah? When you get here, I’m fixin’ to repair the downstairs door, right in front of you, heh heh.” My guess is that he now uses this as a tool of seduction. My original idea.
At first he got all wound up about ‘words’ again, but I just said, “No problem, your choice. Use whatever words you want, but if you want me to throw you on the ground right in front of your house and attack you, tell me that you’re going to repair your mailbox.” I won. (Sorry, that sounded violent, but it was me being silly.)
There were some other clues that I drove straight past.
“ALL women like anal sex.”
Me: I don’t and I’m a woman.
Him: Yes you do, you just don’t know it. [FLAG!]
He was the ‘expert’ on many subjects. [FLAG] My body, my fitness and diet. “We’ll get you shaped up.” ??? [I had let him see a small insecurity about my size—I’m bigger than my ultra skinny, normal self and not sure why. Meds?. Big mistake on my part.
Areas where he pushed and I caved (so embarrassing):
* Wanted pictures of my “titties.” Hate that word. “It’s just us! I don’t think I’ve ever seen boobs as big as yours in real life. I hope I can get used to them. (???) C’mon, please just send a photo for me.” Well, what the hell? We’re going to have sex anyhow. He’s already telling me that I will have a special spot in his 2-car garage for my car. He cannot wait to have my dog come with me and make him his own little yard. What’s a photo anyway? Sure, it could all go South and I end up splashed everywhere, but…boobs, they will be one in a couple of billion. So, I sent him a photo without a face. He was ecstatic.
* Now he wants a photo of my crotch. ?? No. Well, maybe I brought this on during some of our ‘sexy talk’ by saying, “Hmm…wondering if I should shave or wax or something.” Stupid of me, I know. Might as well tell your teen they can have the keys to your BMW. “I like hair on top; clean on bottom!” HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE???!?? Omg. How DARE you tell me! I went ahead and bought expensive wax that is just for this purpose. I gave it a go. Ouch.
“PLEASE PLEASE PUHLEEEEEEEEASE SEND ME A PHOTO! I WANT TO SEE!!” Again with my same logic. “I don’t even look at my parts, let alone take photos!” “Please, please do it for me.” I caved. No face. I surprise texted it to him. And, yes, he kept sending me unrequested ‘dick’ pics. Augh. He was just thrilled. He got just what he wanted and said he had masturbated all night at the thought of me. He couldn’t even help it and he is just…”Oh My God, you are so pretty. Even women would want you.” ??????? Ewwww. I only want ONE man to want me! I was doing something totally out of my comfort zone and being a little edgy just to be fun, I suppose, but it also felt like pressure. Don’t be me. Don’t anybody be me. [FLAG, duh.]
* “Send me a photo with your fingers inside.” Are you sh*tting me? ‘And make sure you open your legs just as far as possible.” I was packing and a mix of shocked, furious, yet still excited to get out there to have sex with him…this person I had fallen in love with. Why not? At this point, what the hell? Here you go. “I’m not going to masturbate at all from here on out. I want to be ready for YOU.” Ok, whatever. I’m looking forward to making love (and yes, he called it that), but I’m not about the nitty gritty. Geez, who talks like this?!?
There, reader, now you know my most embarrassing cave in. It’s in words and so humiliating; except, well, there are several billion people on the planet and we all have parts.
* One thing that may have saved me in the end was this…for some reason, I had developed painful ‘fissures’ in the skin of my labia just before I left. When I would urinate, it stung something awful. I saw it in the photos. You could clearly see what looked like a bloody rip. I even pointed it out to him….”LOOK! Ow, what in the hell?” He asked if I had an STD. No, I dont’ have an STD, I’m very very meticulous about that. Ok, that satisfied him. So, we Googled and discovered that these can/do happen. It might be age related. Again…”You need birth control.” Ummm, you’re not a doctor. [FLAG]
THE BIG DAY!
And, finally the day arrived. OMGOMGOMG. This is beyond fun. We texted at every layover. I felt cute and ready. Had to be out the door at 3:30 AM to make a 5:15A flight. Hair done. No makeup. It’s a long flight. I look ok natural anyhow.
I landed!!!! Surreal, just surreal. Finally, it’s my time for happiness. I had just endured a wedding engagement at work and several baby announcements that I cried about at home. When is it my turn? Today! And, OMG, the country as we flew in was incredibly beautiful.
And, finally, FINALLY he arrived at the airport. Perturbed. ? He cannot figure out how to navigate the airport pickup. It’s better to pick me up than to waste money and time on parking, so just stand outside. Wow. Anticlimactic, but…fine. What do I know? [FLAG—just the starts of road rages I would soon see. I cannot stand being in a car with someone who road rages.]
He is just insisting that I am not in the correct area because he cannot find me. Hmm…delaying my excitement a little. Told him, no problem, try again. There is no way possible for a pedestrian to walk to where he is located–he asked me to try. *sigh*
Finally, he found me. Pulls up, tosses my bag in quickly, gives me a hard kiss, and is furiously rubbing my arm. “You’re here.” I know! Can you believe it? Every stoplight is a makeout sort of kiss, not a tender sweet thing. At one point, he looked right into my eyes and said, “I like a little more make up on the eyes.” [FLAG] NOBODY BUT NOBODY tells me how to dress, my hair, my look, and certainly not my makeup. I will not have it. Explained that flying would make it a mess all over my face. I just felt annoyed, but tried to let it go.
We had pre-decided that we would take the edge off with a drink someplace so that we could cope with this whole new idea of seeing each other in person. I don’t drink, remember? I made an exception. I would need this.
He took me to a decent little place and, “Order whatever you want, baby.” (I HATE the word ‘baby.’ Yuck. Ok, just be cool with it.) So, there we sat…sipping our drinks, laughing and talking and so, so happy. Then the waittress walks by, “Ok, we’re ready for our check now. We just got married, do we get any sort of free thing or discount?” He thinks that is hilarious.
W.T.F? I mean, really…W T F ? ? ? How embarrassing. She offered him the ‘opportunity’ to join their frequent diner deal at a cost of $50. He said “Sure!” Just before he paid, I asked, “Did you really want the club offer? Did you hear her about the price?” He said, “I have to pay for it?!??? How much is it?” He hadn’t heard her and that’s how I discovered he had a hearing issue.
When I told him, he raced to get her and said, “I DIDN’T REAILZE I HAD TO PAY FOR THAT! CANCEL IT!” She had to reverse the charges. Yep, that made more sense. I am the type would tip and/or pay top dollar for a wonderful experience…not somebody who will lie to get a discount on the day he gets to meet someone he thinks he just might want to marry. [FLAG]
And then a quick stop on our way back to get our agreed upon bottle of alcohol; just a small bottle of Jack D. for a social lubricant if we need it. To the cashier: again with “We just got married, do we get a free gift?” OMFG. What?!? Then me, “But, we’re not married.” He jerked back and his entire body went stiff as he walked off. I added, “Yet.” He came back, obviously unhappy with me. And still tried pulling this silly con. The young cashier said, “I wish I could, unless you would like a plant.” There were dying plants in the window. He said, “Sure.” I gave a courtesy laugh, took his arm and said, “C’mon, let’s go!” He TOOK THE PLANT AND MADE ME SIT WITH IT IN THE FRONT SEAT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS HOUSE! Trying to keep up my thrill was going to be a challenge.
We went back to his place. A quick tour. Whoa, run down. “I’ve been a bachelor for 3 years and depressed about my divorce. Sorry it’s not in better shape.” Ok, I understand that. No problem. The office!! Remember the wall with the certificates and such? WHERE IS IT? The office turned out to be a dump. A real dump. I laughed and asked, “Where is the wall of certificates?” He asked what I was referring to. It took him a minute…”Oh, that’s my boss’ office. I told you that.” [FLAG] No, he didn’t. And, I had asked. I told him that and he said, “Then you missed where I wrote it was just a joke.” Yes, I sure missed that. I had just let it go. Again, the shine was coming off. I drank another drink…it will help.
Zip, we go flying into his bedroom. Ok, whee! And for two glorious seconds, it was wonderful, except for the fact that he kept injecting words that were turning me completely off. And then the whole thing just started to hurt. That fissure? My skin split again when he got a little carried away. I thought I might pass out. I finally had to yell, “OW! OMG, ok…stop. Wow. I’m not sure what’s going on, but holy mackeral. Let’s just stop for a sec. He took a look and said he’d get the Vitamin E oil out like the website had recommended and would help me. So, that was sweet, right? This is OUR problem, not just mine. Ok, that’s good.
Except no, “Let’s take some photos of ourselves.” [FLAG] ]WHAT?!????? NO. And then I worried, is he going to do so even if I say no? Would he do that?”
No problem for him, guess what he had on his mind? [FLAG] Anal. And that’s what he really, REALLY started to try to work me into. [FLAG] He just kept on and on and ON about it. “You’ll really like it, I promise.” And…here is more embarrassing. I caved. I mean, I can’t have regular sex apparently, so…fine. Maybe I DON’T know everything. But, I’ve been sodomized. Alcohol and an-in-the-moment decision. And, “And then I want to kiss you afterward.”
W H A T IN THE NAME OF CHRIST ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? That sounds disease worthy! I put my foot down. NO!
And, so I gave him a chance. One second into it and I yelled, “OWWWWWWWWWw! Stop it right now. NO WAY! NO!”
“Just relax! You have to relax!!”
“I’m done. NO more! No Way!”
“Ok then, baby will you give me a blow job?” Please no. Please you did not just outright ask me to do this and call it by that term. I mean, of COURSE (for me) all of this would be involved as a matter of a relationship, but can we just get back to center for a sec? It was just one goddamned thing after another.[FLAG]
Finally, I convinced him to go to sleep and try again tomorrow. He woke me up in the night to say, “LIsten, you are snoring. You need to roll over.” Oh, ok. We both rolled over and…HE immediately started snoring. Wow. I found it comforting and went to sleep.
Next morning: I had only been there approximately 13 hours at this point. I had to take my medications: Anti depressant and seizure. It’s the gift I got stuck with in life. He saw me take it and said, “Oh, no wonder you are so crazy.” <<<>>> [FLAG] He didn’t even bother to laugh, apologize, or soften it. He just went o work. I managed to say, “And, I’m alive which is pretty good.” I was stunned and deflated. No problem, I’ll just do my job for the rest of the day and we’ll talk about this later. Really, ANOTHER thing to talk about??? What the hell?
The plan…we both work until the end of the day. Guess who showed up at noon? “I TOOK A HALF VACATION DAY! Going to mow the lawn and spend time with you.”
“But, I have to work until 5P. That’s the deal.”
He took my face into his hands and said, “Baby, sometimes you need to learn how to lie.”
No, no I don’t. My company was generous enough to let me go on short notice and trust me. But, I can see today is going to be a wasted day because he is going to interrupt and I will be the bad guy for continuing to work. I won’t be able to focus. Screw it. Today is gone. [FLAG]
He mowed the lawn while I explored the wildlife area that bordered his property. A creek, wildlife, trees, and everything. He joined me and it was the most fun we had.
We loved the same songs, laughed and just sat out there on a log like two schoolkids just really happy. So, there were a few charmed moments. We stood on his beautiful deck; and that was wonderful too. And he gazed at me. I loved that. We sipped Jack & cokes. Yeah, why that seemed ok for me? I don’t know…vacation? A splurge? Knock the edge off? I don’t know.
And, off we go…he’s going to take me to his favorite pub and then for a scenic drive. We got into the car and my sunglassses fell out of my bag; apparently, they fell into something important. “Hey, your glasses are in my drink!” What drink? OMG. He brought his Jack & coke in the car with us…in a regular tumbler. No problem?? WHO DOES THAT??????????? Just openly drinking a cocktail while driving. [FLAG]
I was stunned.
We got to his pub and I do think I ordered a drink. I don’t drink, remember? I wanted a drink. And that should tell me A LOT. And, he was walking around trying to be ‘the man.’ He was wondering if there were people there who knew him because…most people know him there, ya know. Nobody. Nobody knew him. Instead of just holding my hand and telling me how lucky he feels, he’s wondering who is looking. [FLAG]
And then I wanted to bring up my favorite topic finally. I train animals and have in-depth knowledge and exciting worldwide connections. But, he knows it all. He just shuts me straight down with the most outdated theories. He’s the expert. In exasperation, I finally mumbled into my hands, “Would you just shut the fuck up already?” That is SO unlike me. SO UNLIKE ME. [FLAG] He can’t hear, but he heard that. Outrage ensued. I managed to de-escalate it somehow. Did I also mention that he repeats stories continually? I had to endure the same story again and again and again! I absolutely HATE that. I grew up with it in my father and it was insufferable. *sigh
And, we’re back in the car. He’s road ragey. He has been the entire time. He is a very impatient, testy driver. [FLAG]
My pants were getting baggy. I had a hard time keeping them up. I had lost weight. I asked him to pull over into a strip mall so that I could try to find a tailor. I could just drop my pants off and have them quickly altered over the next day or two. “Just buy some stretch pants.”
“I don’t want stretch pants. I like my clothes. Just stop.”
This went round and round until I won. Maybe we are both stubborn. Maybe I am the type who is able to go toe-to-toe? I’m not wearing stretch pants. We found no tailor and he was good about driving around to let me see. So, I asked him to stop and I’ll get some safety pins and do a quick fix. We stop at a Walgreens (or something like it). I get safety pins; he has ‘lube’ and an alcoholic drink (I think). [FLAG]
By this point, I was thinking…”I don’t know if you’re going to need that.” Told him,”Eh, hold off for now.” I wasn’t so sure. Oh, he insisted on buying it. I must have known on some level that I was out of there.
Now, friends were now texting me and asking how it was going. “Not good” I replied. I was sad. “Come home!” Also getting texts from another friend asking me who various names were. She was investigating. He asked, “Who are you talking to?” I told him and he was furious. “I am really REALLY upset that your friends are checking into me! Who do they think they are?” I said, “They are more effective than the CIA. I told you that in this realm I exist in, these people are very protective. They are very good and smart people. You should thank them. They are making sure I’m safe.” He was furious. I don’t think he has anybody in his life who would do this for him. Told him I could pretty well go anyplace in the world and find that level of help because of the business I’m in–we stick together. Any of us would help another. We just do. These people are generous, smart, and strong people. So, to some extent we were evenly matched. He thinks he can kick peoples’ asses; I know my without a doubt, I have one of the best networks ever.
In the end, I had people offering to drive 5 hours away to pick me up and begged me to come and spend the rest of my ‘vacation’ with them…they would make it fun. I also received from my relative the number to her AMX with an open, “Spend whatever you need to do what you need to do. You can pay me back.” Who gets that? I do have people who like and love me and I return every penny of it with interest and they know it.
Throughout all of this, he spoke about his ex-wife NON STOP. NON-FREAKING-STOP! This is important as to what happened next. He’s going to show me the beautiful countryside. I’m now hostage in his car. He’s driving and cracks open his beverage. I point out that he is drinking from an open container. Do I really need to do this??? He explains away the law. [FLAG] Not “I’ll throw it out if I think we’re going to get pulled over.” But, more like, “The law is over-the-top anyhow.” He’s above the law or any reasons for the law in the first place.. [FLAG]
And, now I’ve taken my first anti-anxiety pill because the alcohol is wearing off. I think I’m going to need this. I have no idea where I am and we’re headed into a winding highway in the middle of nowhere. I could write a suspense novel from this. And, as we go through a town…”This is my exe’s town.” [FLAG] “She grew up here?” I had asked him if she still lives in the state, nearby, or what. He said he had no idea. How could a person with kids not know something like this?
“No, she lives here.”
OMFG. Which brings me back to one of the things he got upset about when my friends were doing a Google search….”There could be bad things written about me on there! Your friends are really pissing me off! There are untrue things on the internet. (So far, none about me that I know of. I must live in a bubble.) At one point, my daughter got online and claimed I WAS STALKING THEM! [FLAG]
Then, we go through the most beautiful countryside a person can imagine…”This is where my ex and I planned our future together. I had to hear all about their courtship. Took another pill. I did NOT want to be in my head if this will continue. I wanted to burst into tears immediately. I sat there stunned.
Nonstop talk also about resentment of “them rich people.” I am related to those types of people. They are just people. The people I know have integrity and are very generous. People you would like. He had a major chip on his shoulder. [FLAG]
And, chain smoking. When he kissed me at the airport, it had a funny taste. Smoke? Is that what I’m tasting? He never mentioned it. Please don’t be a smoker. Not again. Oh, not again. I can’t stand the smell/taste. Dear God. Next day when he came home from work? Kiss. Smoke on his breath? Definitely smoke. I said, “I didn’t know you smoked..” He replied, “Only one once in awhile. Had a quick on at work.” Hmm…then I noticed his bottom teeth. His entire upper teeth are all veneers. His bottom teeth look like a lifelong alcoholic who did meth and smokes. That bad. Ok, I could get used to this I suppose. But, he always goes on and on and on about how hygienic he is with flossing and how much his teeth mean to him. I was sort of floored. It would be rude to point this out.
I have a brother who is a chain smoker who cannot quit. THIS was a chain smoker. Not only that, but he would roll up the windows to light his cigarette with ME in the car. I really wanted to just open the door and roll out—I don’t care what happens to me. This was unbearable. This is behavior from about 1971. You do NOT smoke in a car with a non-smoker; esp. without asking. Jesus Christ.
Then, he insisted on stopping at one of the most prestigious country clubs in the area. We were in jeans. I actually DO know how to act in these circumstances. We were underdressed and it was embarrassing as all get out to me. He reassured me that we were more than adequately dressed and “All they want is your money anyhow.” Ugh. So there are going to be some socio differences between us, I guess. He went inside talking to the staff again like he owned the place. “Hey, hey…we’ll get a couple of drinks over here!” I wanted to sink through the floor. I just had water.
Then he wanted to show me the garden area. I actually politely asked a staff member if it was ok for us to walk about without being guests. Told them nicely I was visiting from out of state and was simply amazed at the beauty and would be a privilege to see the rest if we aren’t too underdressed. Well, those are the words you say to get yourself a very nice invitation to tour the property. And, so we did. I actually looked like a person who might be vacationing and just dressed down. Manners are everything.
Hank said he wanted to show me their gardens specifically. Well, when we got to the garden area, it looked like there was a wedding or wedding dinner in progress. We couldn’t enter. What did he do? As the servers were removing plates on their trays (I’ve been a server for banquets, I know how this goes), he stopped one and asked, “Are you just giong to throw that away?” Meaning THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!
At that point, I kind of yelled, “Hank! Let’s go!! No.”
“What, they’re just going to take it home for themselves anyhow.”
“No, they aren’t. If they take food home, it comes direclty from the chef, believe me. Leftovers are served in the employee cafeteria.”
OMG, just get me out there.
And so, we headed out. And, I took another pill. I would need it for the dark, winding road home with someone who has been continually drinking. I tried to remember what I knew about my grandfather’s horse on a trail ride…”Look, the horse doesn’t want to fall and die as much as you don’t. Just relax.” Just relax. I nearly fell asleep in the car. Thank God. We made it.
“Want to watch a movie?” Yes, dear God, yes. On the sofa. I’m going to fall asleep on the sofa and I won’t have to go to the bedroom with him. I am so turned off, I can’t even express it enough. He was like a composite of every sickening, sleazy person I had ever met in my life. So, I think I did fall asleep. I was so drugged out. He must have carried me to the bedroom. I really can’t quite remember how I got there. And, maybe he too was tired, so thankfully…I don’t recall any sex scenes.
He left and went to work. I think he kissed me adn said goodbye and that, again, he would be home at noon. NO. Taht was not the deal.
I was still so drugged out that I couldn’t wake up. Time was ticking. I woke up in a haze and looked at my cell phone. Friends were still texting and now worried. I had to make a decision. Stay? Go? It was simply outrageous. Was I really thinking of leaving my ‘dream’? Should I? Ultimately, in what felt like excruciating slow motion, I managed to put all of my things into my bag. I was packing without having made a conscious decision yet. He was going to be home soon. Tell him? Ask him for a ride? There is going to be a nuclear explosion—someone will be leaving him. I could feel it would be scary. I just knew. And, yet, staying one more day seemed like I wanted to vomit.
I managed to call a cab company and tell them to hurry. HURRY. And, if he happens to come home at the same time, please be ready to drive fast to the airport. I need help. And, that’s pretty much how I put it. I sat outside, still in a fog, and made it look like I was just sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine…just in case. My bag was hidden behind a tree.
Cab pulled up. I said, “hurry. We HaVE to get out of here. If he sees a cab and figures it out, he might follow us.” Was I getting hysterical and over the top? My fear was building like crazy. I had never experienced this sort of fear ever or maybe in a very long time. I was both tired and jacked with adrenaline. My family and friends were texting like mad. “GO! Get out! You can get a ticket at the airport!”
So, I did. It cost me $250 + $35 in cab fare. I wasn’t feelign secure until i actually made it through security. If he showed up and made a scene now, he would have bigger problems on his hands.
I could finally relax. And then the texts from him…”OMG. What’s wrong? Where are you?” I couldn’t answer. Then, the phone ringing. I didn’t pick up. I just sat there in a haze. I was sure of what I was doing. When I reached my layover point, texts came flooding in again. The tone had gone to what i had REALLY expected. “What kind of adult just takes off like that? You’re going to go home and tell your friends lies about me and trash me! What am I going to tell my friends??? I made plans with the ladies I hang out with that we would meet them tonight and go dancing!” At that point, I semi lost it. All this flying again. 6 hours each way plus layovers and no work getting done. I wrote back, “Here’s exactly what you will tell them. ‘I knew she was crazy the second I saw that she takes an anti-depressant. You rage. You are incapable of constructive listening. why on earth would you care what my friends think? We are through. I am blocking you now.”
When I got home (a not-so-convenient midnight), there were a flood of emails…
“You didn’t even have the decency to make the bed.”
“You have the most disgusting body I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“You gave me the worst blowjob I’ve ever had. How can anybody be that bad?”
“You are bi-polar (remember his sister?) and need to be on lithium for the rest of your life.”
and more that I can’t even remember now.’
“You really fucked up!”
“You are impulsive and massively mentally ill!”
“I didn’t talk about my ex-wife nonstop, you didn’t stop asking me about her! You talked about your exes.” (I told him I was raped by my ex. I only asked about his ex after being forced to hear about her to the point that the only thing left to ask was, “Do you want her back? Maybe there’s still a chance.”)
And then incredible sadness hit me. Did this really happen? I miss the love. I miss 48 hours ago.
I finally decided to email back…a softer tone. What a mistake to make with a narcissist, right? He ate that up. And said he is not reading any of my emails, he is simply deleting them. “I move on. There is no point in speaking to you any further.” There it is. He got to have a last word with me. Let him have it. Let him think he got to call the shots.
My final word to him was this. I am a very very fair person. I was taught to be fair even if I didn’t like my own outcome. I had planned on sending him half of the airfare back. I like to square up with people and play life pretty clean. I figured that we just have such different values that it’s a dealbreaker. However, this is what I wrote…”In all sincerity, I had intended to refund half of the airfare. It just didn’t work out and I’m sad about that. However, after reading your really deep & unnecessary insults, I have decided they are worth approximately $275 to me. I won’t be sending it.”
And that has been it. This is my journey of the aftermath.
Cher, of all people, is one of 2 celebrities that were on my Twitter account. Coincidentally, she posted a link to an article, “Are you involved with a narcissist?” And that’s how I ended up at this site ultimately. It seemed to fit every, single criteria. Yes, Cher. What are the crazy chances?
And, now I see there is a Part A and a Part B.
Part A: The actual events with a person.
Part B: The aftermath. Why am I pining away wanting an apology? Why did I cry and cry and cry for 2 weeks, now going on 3? Why do I want a miracle? For him to have a magic change? Stockholm Syndrome/Trauma Bonding. It has aboslutely nothing to do with Hank. Nothing. It has everything to do with me. It’s embarrassing and I sure got all of the usual responses, “Thank gosh you dodged a bullet.” “You should be over this by now.” “Do you want him back?” YES, yes, I wanted him back. And then I was in a fog…did I actually leave him for no good reason? I suddenly could not for the life of me remember any details. I went blank. Maybe he was right? I f*d up a beautiful thing? I was also PMSing at the time…did it get in the way? OMG! Undo. I want a do over!!! And, now the details are all coming back to me. I was right to run.
And that is the difference betweeen me at 28 and me at 51. The 28 year old me would have stuck it out the entire week. I would have noticed and experienced all that craziness, but would have been lost in a whirl. I would have tried reasoning and talking with him. At this age, I knew in my gut that there was no talking. It would be circular and all over the map. I just knew. I knew I had to leave and then I knew I would have to cry.
I felt suicidal. I mentioned that. I’m still struggling, but reading the resources here are helping me. I’m reading “Trauma and Recovery” right now. I’m seeking a therapist will special PTSD knowledge. I’m doing all I can. I have had to fight every urge inside not to text and say, “I miss you.” It’s so irrational. I want to say the words, “I miss you. I love you so much. I’m sorry.” I haven’t. And this is THE first time I haven’t acted on it. Normally, I feel the urge to make it right with that person…it needs to be right with them, so that I can heal (or something like it).
As is classic, I want approval from the very person I should never want or care about approval from! It would be the worst person to get it from. I’m supposed to be thankful that I’m off of his radar! It’s like being thankful that Ted Bundy has forgotten about you. And yet, I struggle with, “Is he feeling bad too?” Wrong question. I see that!
Last night I read more on your website and shut down Twitter for good, blocked my phone. And, yet, I am sneaky. Have I had “no contact?” I happened to notice in my blocked area of where he is listed that he has, yet again, changed his photo. He is now ‘Happy Golfing Guy’! LIfe couldn’t be more happenin’ for him. My guess is this is on purpose. It hurt. I left. So, I sneaked and did a few things on my own and I feel the need to confess them…to myself.
* I think I know he checks out WFM on Craigslist. I posted a sort of love letter in Rants & Raves in hopes he would see it. Please don’t feel I’m more pathetic than I already feel. I removed it.
* I went back and posted in “Missed Connections” in his specific area. “I love you, dipshit.” I wanted attention from him. I had to be noticed, but just by fate..you know. Someone, maybe him? Hopefully not, wrote a response by email…”Lean in closely, do you hear it? Koo koo.” I removed the post. If I’m lucky, it wasn’t him. I danced very close to a flame. If it wasn’t him, it served as a reminder of just how mean I can expect him to be.
* I posted a good photo of me on my FB account and made.it.public! Was hoping he would look me up and see the pretty photo of me posing with an eagle. Cool stuff, right? I removed it within hours.
See? I have that going back and forth thing going on. I’m not steady on my bicycle yet. I’m determined to get there and i’m hoping the pain will go away at some point.
People have called me strong. I feel weak. So weak.
And there is my ugly story. I will seek out support groups and help, but right now, I now understand that horrible feeling of “You cannot trust anybody.” I have great friends and support and I’m still in this horrible state. Please, if there is any healing possible in my lifetime, let this fade away. I hope I never have to encounter it again and have to apply, “You’ll see the red flags sooner next time.” I hope there are no red flags to see. I just can’t stand the thought of it.
Don’t let this happen to you.
JessicaLee (fake name)
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.