I had known her my entire life so I let my guard down very easily with her. She was a good friend of my sister and the two had a falling out together (Red Flag #1). Our first night together was very fun. We drank some martinis and kissed. I was reluctant to kiss her for some reason and asked if I could kiss her and she bargained with me, “If you dance for me you can kiss me.” Effectively, making me earn her affection (Red Flag #2).
We had some awkward dates. I was admittedly uncomfortable around her for awhile and I ignored it. I ignored my uneasiness as I sat next to her or across from her and listened to stories about her abusive, “narcissistic” ex-boyfriend and her “narcissistic” brother and the “narcissistic” coworker she fought all the time with at her last job.
We spent the night together on our second dinner date and she told me a story about having a threesome with two men over breakfast. Which I completely tuned out. I almost walked away from her and turned my back on her but I decided to be a “nice guy” and not judge her for sharing these details. “After all, everybody has a past,” is how I tried to rationalize it.
Over the coming months, she love bombed me. She told me we were soul mates and then five minutes later flirted with an 18 year old kid right in front of me and then denied it when I asked her about it (love bombing, hyper-sexuality, and gaslighting all in one stroke!).
She wrote me a love letter calling me her “drug, god, religion and soul mate.” It is funny how different that letter reads after the end of our relationship and the things she said at the end of our relationship.
She wrote me poems, she claimed to have written a series of stories prior to meeting me that were about her idealized man and they seemed to foreshadow her running into me. She told me I was confident, funny, creative, strong, tough, witty, and all these other qualities that she wrote about in these stories. Later, she claimed to have thrown those stories away. I never got to read them if they ever existed.
Soon, I had learned that she had been involved with the fat slob who does karaoke at the restaurant she worked at, one of the waiters from the restaurant, and one of the cooks was writing her love notes, which she claimed were “ridiculous and unwelcome.” Then her past started to leak out.
She had slept with every guy at her old job. She told me stories about a guy who kissed her and wanted to be her boyfriend which she didn’t want, a guy who had sex with her and wanted to marry her so they could have a house together, and how so and so was jealous of her because her boyfriend thought she was hot. Truth be told, I was in love with her, but she was rather average in appearance and plain. She told me stories that sounded like they were about different people and then they would turn out to be about the same guy.
In fact, the guy who she kissed and didn’t want to date wound up being this guy who she was friends with benefits with for kind of a long time. Even her old friends with benefits were described as “losers” and “dorks” and “dweebs.” Men were either “narcissists” or “losers.” She described exes in awful detail. “He has the smallest penis I ever saw.” or “He was molested when he was little.” or “He had trouble getting it up.” were descriptions she gave of her exes that I remember pretty vividly.
They all had hurt her of course. I remember that even the one boyfriend who didn’t hurt her was described as “pathetic” because he cried when they broke up and shared that he might never meet someone so wonderful. I am sure she says something awful about me now.
Of course sex was amazing. She did anything and it felt like she was performing as if she was a porn star whenever we had sex. In fact, she got drunk one night and asked me to take nude pictures of her and when she was looking at them she simply said, “I’m hot.”
Then I started to learn that she was incredibly insecure and shallow. She felt stupid around me because I have a postgraduate degree and she doesn’t have a degree and she “just waited tables her whole life.” I had suspicions she had an eating disorder because she would deny food at times, I heard her throwing up a few times, and every once in a while she tasted like vomit when I kissed her. She used to look at people with this predatory stare that just creeped me out. In fact, I would turn around sometimes and she would throw on this fake smile the second she saw me which just completely creeped me out every single time.
She even admitted that she had fantasized about murdering people and there were 5 people on her “list” at any given moment. She admitted that she fantasized about murdering a good female friend of mine from Canada. The really sick thing was that she admitted she had this fantasy while she masturbated to a photo of her. That’s basically serial killer talk as far as I am concerned. She even suggested that we go on a killing spree and murder her dad in another state. I should have left then, but I didn’t.
After five months, I found out some of the things she had lied about and the fact that she had lied consistently for five months alarmed me. Somehow she had turned this into a reflection of my character, saying that I didn’t trust her and that you need love to trust someone. Would you believe that I was in therapy for trust issues after being lied to and manipulated and told that the person I lived with had fantasies about murdering people, let alone one of my best friends? I can’t fathom how I put up with this, but I did.
Our breakup happened the night I witnessed her verbally abuse her brother’s stepchild. The poor boy was telling his mother that he didn’t want to go to bed or eat or something like that and my ex just blurted out “Wah! Wah! Wah!” and her face looked exactly like it did when she would yell at me.
I even was going to give her another chance but she told me to leave and then when I did she came running after me shouting at me and begging me to just come inside and talk about it.
After asking her to please calm down and realizing that she wouldn’t, I left. She texted me saying, “What you just did to me is completely unforgivable. Have a nice life.” She told me she never wanted to talk to me again about a week later. This all happened about two weeks before a huge business trip that would seriously advance my career. I think she attempted to destroy me, but I feel smarter and stronger and wiser now.
It’s been five months and I have been in therapy and life couldn’t be more fulfilling without her. I plan on leaving our town. I avoid her haunts and avoid people who know her and avoid her neighborhood grocery store and just try to keep to myself. It’s been hard to move on and I still have dreams about her.
The last dream I had she dumped me again and it felt good this time. It wasn’t like early post-breakup when I dreamed about it and I woke up crying. It felt good to hear her say that I she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I can safely say that I am moving on and I did it through diet, exercise, meditation, art, and therapy.
I think the most narcissistic thing I ever heard her say was that she liked dating because I gave her “status with other women.” I still don’t really understand what she meant by that.
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My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
Latest posts by Dana (see all)
- Episode 55: How Do I Stop My Addiction to the Narcissist? - August 23, 2017
- Episode 53: Strategies to Help Prevent Your Child from Being Manipulated by a Narcissistic Parent - August 21, 2017
- Episode 54: How can we handle victim blaming and revictimization? - August 18, 2017