“Nicole’s” Story

narcissistic behavior in relationships

Dear Dana,

First of all I just want to thank you for all of your hard work and wisdom with spreading the knowledge of this horrifying disorder.

Let me start off by saying that I first encountered the term “narcissistic personality disorder” in 2011, and had been very intrigued by what I had discovered looking back on my childhood and allow me to explain why.

I believe that my stepfather was a Narcissist but just didn’t know what to call it besides “pure evil”.

I met my high school sweetheart at the tender age of 16 and he was 18 at the time. This man love bombed the hell out of me, it was more like an obsession. I had been living with my Grandmother and uncle during this time because I could not stand the abusive married between my mom and step dad.

Anyways he would call literally 10 to 15 times a day, and would just show up uninvited if no one at my home would answer, I thought it was kind of unusual yet flattering in a weird way. My family on the other hand had some concerns.

Fast forward, I became pregnant with our first baby girl within that 1st year of dating. During that time I started to see changes in him, at first he says that he was going to be there for me and his daughter (not so). I found out that he cheated not once but twice on me with 2 different people. He was not there to support me throughout this vulnerable time as being a teen mom…every awful emotion I was feeling.

With the 2nd affair he formed a triangulation between me and her. He abandoned me during this time.

So that affair ended, we moved in together with our new baby. Now let’s fast forward 3-1/2 years later, we get pregnant again with another baby girl. I find out that he had started back seeing the 2nd woman AGAIN!!!(((Abandonment))

I was devastated once more.

During this time he was in and out of jail all while losing employment for reckless behavior, drinking and driving. So I broke it off once again for good so I thought…About a year went by with the only contact was about our kids. He had (Found God) and oddly joined my father’s church.

I gave him another chance because I thought that I really had seen a change. Not even a week had gone by before this woman shows up again!!! (Now with a child that was supposedly his)…I was LIVID!!!

He said that he knew that it was a possibility that this child was his but wasn’t sure..(but failed to give me a heads up)). So we went through counseling and I decided to work through it because he assured me that he was a changed man. He even became an ordained Deacon at my family’s church.

Three years later we became pregnant again this time with a son. About 6 months after he was born we receive a subpoena in the mail from this woman about this other kid as she was seeking child support. I swallowed my pride and supported my husband as he went to court getting a DNA test done (turns out it was his child).

In between all of this chaos there was other off the wall behavior that he would instigate the past and I would tell him how these things hurt me and of course he would flip the situation back on me saying that I don’t know how to let go of the past, and that I need to learn how to “FORGIVE”. Always using the bible as manipulation to put guilt on my heart.

He had a great paying job at the time despite Michigan’s economy. Fast forward another 3-1/2 years, oddly enough we were pregnant again for the 4th time, another baby girl!! No sooner than I gave birth to her within 3 weeks he was having an affair with a co-worker, moved in with her over 3 hours away.

Dana, I felt like DEATH had approached me. Once again every ugly emotion on top of postpartum depression was present…I couldn’t sleep, eat, drink, shower, brush my teeth not even the strength to care for my 4 children, But with the support of my family and friends I was able to keep hope.

I had no job because we had an agreement that since he had a decent job to support us as a family that I didn’t have to work anymore until our youngest child was in school to cut day care expenses….He took every vehicle away from me so I have no means of transportation with 4 young kids. WOW!!! I get tired just thinking about another year of abandonment…

Also during this time his mother has been very ill and I was the only one there for her to help assist my father in law (also a narcissist) with her medical needs. Later on that year she passed away. I was devastated because I was so close to her as well as my children. None of her actual children were there for her, including my husband.

So after the grieving stage I still had to face my church family with the humiliation of my life and also with him holding a position of leadership. Of course our Pastor revoked this title from him. Now he comes back to home and to the church and made a public apology in front of the ministry, while I stood by his side while he did so…also stating that he ended the relationship with his mistress.

Now after that was all said and done, he comes back home, kicks his feet up as if nothing happen, as though he just thought as if that public confession was (GOOD ENOUGH) was his words and that I just need to forgive and we move on from it. Not getting any counsel or anything…Dana it doesn’t end here it gets worse LOL, SO my brother-in-law (HIS brother) ups and marries the mistress and then started a family with her.(TOTAL WTF)!! this couldn’t be my life!!!

So I asked him how are you going to make this right?? He’s nonchalant about this situation at hand. Basically telling me that she is part of the family now and I just need to forgive and move on…AGAIN WTF?? He didn’t at least try to convince me that he was remorseful about his or his brother’s behavior. I mean what are the chances of me seeing this woman at a family gathering?? Not to mention what am I to tell my kids about who this woman is??

Another 2 yrs had past and still no improvement.

In 2012 I filed for divorce and was granted 2013 a single woman. And of course then comes the smear campaign and flying monkeys. He had the nerve to take his NEW supply at the time to my family’s church as another way to get my attention through my family because nothing he was doing wasnt working on me anymore, even that didn’t get my attention. I had to cut off mutual friends and give him the gray rock method…I ahve been through HELL and back with both physical, mental, and emotional abuse with this man, and it took me 17 yrs to unbreak the shackles over my life.

I’m planning to relocate out of Michigan to Texas in a few months with my kids, this man is relentless…and he had the nerve to ask me if I would sign our son over to him and his father to finish raising…I so laughed in his face because that’s one thing that he will not bully me into doing!!! I decided to share a huge portion of my story so that you can possibly share on your channel to help save another life. Now that I look back I married my step father, and I took my mom over 25 years to break the cycle.

I am working on writing a book to tell my complete story. The awareness needs to be relevant because these people are sick!!! However I’M proud to say its been 3 yrs strong and 2 yrs divorced!!! Not looking back!!!

With Peace and love,

Nicole A.

xoxo

If you would like to share part of your story, please email it to: mystory@thriveafterabuse.com.

Also, please make sure to let me know of any name changes you’d like to have made–and please keep details vague enough to protect your identity and/or location if this is a concern.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 324 Articles

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of “in the trenches” experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It’s for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

4 Comments

  1. Hi, I don’t really want to comment as I am very unsure of where to start, except I was only able to put a name to this disorder 6 months ago. So, with that, my daughter has been married to the overt maladaptive narcissist for 20 years now. I am one of his main targets and have been enduring this abuse along with my 3 other daughters(we live seperately)his wife (my oldest) and their 2 children, now 18 and 14 years old. As you can imagine, life has been hell for us all and now he ( the narc) wants out of the marriage. He wants her to pack her things and move with her “mommy’. She refuses to as he tells her she is abandoning her kids if she visits away from home for 2 days. I think that is what he wants to use to convince a divorce court that he should get the house and custody of the 14 yr. old. He is also the main bread winner, she works part time and has had 3 or 4 good jobs in the past that he has ruined by showing up, intimidating and embarassing her.I could go on and on, but the trouble now is, he is backed into a corner because she refuses to leave, and that gives him no other recourse but to leave himself. He threatens to file but doesnt, just hangs around making her life hell figuring he will win in the end. My concern is what is the next move the narc could make now that he has nothing to show the court, and we have texts to prove and are willing to testify to his endless verbal and emotional abuse. Also, this has been done in front of the children, neighbors the world and he thinks thats ok!!!She is numb and depressed, afraid of his threats. I think she has begun to believe she is as useless as he tells her. He has her convinced she is worthless. She is and has been a good mother, but he uses the children against her. This is the saddest thing to watch, but what can I do? He hates me to be around, of course, and puts her family down continuely. There seems to be no end to the reading material that fits him to a ‘T’, except what to do from this point on. Have you any knowlwdge of where I can get support for her? She hears our ideas all the time, but if she had some professional feedback she may be able to help herself out of this criminal situation. Thank you, Dianne

  2. Wow i am so glad to here the strength in the voice of other survivors. as i am making my escape it is much needed.
    i have posted a video of one of the last conversations i had with my abuser. please let me know what you think. https://youtu.be/Z2VF2xMCtJY

  3. I’m glad you were able to leave a situation that was toxic. What a jerk for accusing you of cheating, when he was the one who cheated. How painful. 🙁 I wish you light and love in this next chapter of your life. <3

  4. Hi Dianne,

    I’m really sorry to hear about what’s going on with your daughter. That must be heartbreaking to watch this go on for 20 years. I would strongly encourage her to call a few different attorneys, and see if she can find one who is familiar with intense emotional and psychological abuse. You may also want to call your local domestic violence shelter and see if they can give you a referral to a good attorney.

    Keeping a paper trail is a really wise thing to do, and you will most likely need it down the road.

    I would imagine that she is feeling really ground down–especially after enduring this for 20 years. Thankfully she will only have to deal with co-parenting with him for 4 years. In most cases, the children go to the mother, unless there is some sort of reason as to why they shouldn’t –especially since there are so many people to state that he is abusive, (ask an attorney to get a more informed opinion about all this) and I hope this is the case with her as well.

    As far as how you can support her, I would say start with asking her what she feels she needs right now. Maybe it’s someone to talk to, or maybe it’s just someone to listen. She might need help with a retainer fee, or a recommendation for a good counselor. Once you know what she needs, you can better help her figure it out. At a minimum, continue to keep supporting her and letting her know that you love her and support her–and that she can do this. <3

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