Need Some Support?

I have two support groups, one is on Facebook, and the other one is here on this site.

Here are the differences between the two groups:

The support group on Facebook is “closed”, which means that your friends on Facebook can see that you are a member of the group, but they can’t see what you are posting.

The support group here is “open”, but you get to pick a username, so even though this group is open, you have a lot more privacy, as your personal info isn’t linked to this account (like it is in Facebook).

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 306 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

16 Comments

  1. Hi Dana, I have been watching all your videos on youtube and i have to say i think you are the best at knowing what really goes on and how to deal with these narcs. I dont know when i first met a narc i was bullied at school but i dont know if these kids were narcs at an early age but how it all started was when I left school I had no problems with meeting these kind of people as i was very happy with in myself it wasnt till I joined the cult of Jehovahs Witnesses I decided I didnt feel it was right for me as their belief systems didnt make sense butI was left feeling very vulnerable as I was left feeling bad about the fear of the end of the world so I diecided to go to rock nites and I assume there isa lot of dysfuntional people in that scene. I met this girl as a penpal and we met up and she invited me over to stay with her. We started drinking Gin in the afternoon and then in the evening we went clubbing and we both had a bit of alcohol in our system then she started wispering about this guy to me in front of him so I joked back to her lightly calling her a bitch but not in a horrid way, She flew off the handle and stormed off so i followed her to apologise but then she got angry and pushed me across the floor. I was very scared at this point as i had all my stuff back at her flat. She seemed to of calmed down and said she hadnt got angry like this in years and started trying to make me feel I had done something so terrible to deserve it. We went back but then she was playing round with a knife and then she calmed down layed on the couch and then she started sucking her thunb like a child. I had never expereinced friends behave like this ever not even at the schools I went to. She seemed so different the next morning but i was left feeling very in shock and cold and i cried my eyes out in the bathroom. It was now the early evening and she said shall we go round to this guys? And I said I didnt feel up to anything big as I had a hangover so she then snapped at me “Your not much fun are you Stupid Cow so with that i got up and left as I felt this women could flare up again so i left there feeling I had been satying with a Psycho. I honestly didnt think Id have anything to do with her ever again. i then went back and stayed with a friend who lived near by Id been friends with Helen for 5 years so when I told her about this new friends behaviour she seemed a good listener but what went horribly weird is this other girl who is called Claire somehow got Helen into a flying monkey and she got her to now turn against me and start stalking me. The letters and abuse were unbeareble! I had no idea what made Helen start behaving like this towards me but it seems this must of been something to do with Claire. to this dya I have no idea what happend to her she just dissappeared but I met up with Claire a few times and this time with a nother male friend who she succedded in turning him agaisnt me. This dosent end here I have got so much to tell you with all my ex boyfriends and another very strange penpal. Heidi

  2. Yikes! Sounds like you’ve been through a lot with these people. …If you’d like to share more of your story, I’d be happy to hear it. 🙂

  3. Dana,

    I really appreciate your thorough, thoughtful, and compassionate videos on YOUTUBE. I was in the middle od #22 just a few minutes ago, and it just stopped. When I went to find it again, all the videos that were in my computer’s memory came up empty. Then I went to your YOUTUBE account and it appears that all your videos have been deleted and it appears that your account has been deleted or suspended! Did you intend for this to be done? I am sadly disappointed if You Tube has suspended your account against you will. I would really love to see the rest of the videos. Can you let us all know what’s going on with this?

  4. My YouTube account has been suspended and/or terminated for reasons that are unclear. I have no idea what happened or if I did something wrong. (I was racking my brain all last night, and nothing comes to mind!) I have an email into them, so hopefully the videos will be back up soon. I have an announcement posted on the home page of my website, that I will updating as soon as I know more. <3

  5. Dana, thank you for your help. You and your community really helped me thru a difficult time in my life.

    I am slowly feeling better about myself. I appreciate your compassion and wisdom.

    Again thank you
    Mark

  6. Hi Dana
    I am so grateful to have found your videos. I have seen many therapists but none understand the complexities as you have described.
    I am now divorcing the third (ohmygosh) husband. I think I have only known narcs in my life. I have been with him 24 years – and much of that time was pretty good. However as he has aged, he is less able to keep the mask up. Add to that Aspergers.

    I learned today that the house we share has a mortgage on it – even though he told me it was paid off.

    I am 67 and looking forward to a new life – to not being ridiculed, maligned and all of the things that come with the package.

    I loved what you said in the video on 50 shades – why can’t we just fall in love with ourselves and live happily ever after. Well, I started that today – and it is my new mantra!

    Truly deep blessings to you Dana –

    Your friend – WaterBaby

  7. I was just watching the video “Red Flags”, I am shocked at the comparisons that match EXACTLY to my experience. I was finally pushed into action when my N started telling me about his dreams that I was dead. He stated that I most likely died of “heartache”. He was worried that I was going to kill him and commit suicide. What??? Those thoughts were never in my head. I was ground down until I lost all sense of myself. I am trying to free myself and it is agonizing. How can it hurt so much to loose (end) a relationship that was so damaging?! Thank you for your videos. They have helped me when I am moving minute by minute trying to remain in No Contact.

  8. I’m so glad that my videos have been able to validate what you were experiencing. …They tend to project all of their “bad” qualities/thoughts onto us, and we tend to project all of our good qualities/thoughts onto them. I’m a big fan of taking their bizarre statements seriously for this reason–especially if it involves death. So, if he is saying that he was worried you were going to kill him and then commit suicide, odds are he was thinking of killing you and then committing suicide. If they start talking about death, it’s a sign to get out of there. So I’m really glad you got out of there!

    …You ask why it hurts so much to lose a relationship that was so damaging. I think it’s because (in part) you were really emotionally invested in this relationship, and probably thought (like most of us do) that what you were experiencing was “fixable” bad behavior and that your partner would have the capacity and desire to change if they could only realize how much pain he was causing you. Feelings are caused by very powerful chemical reactions in our brain. I think it’s helpful to think of painful emotions like internal bruises. They really hurt at first, but they do heal over time. …You won’t always be in this much pain–everyday you are healing from this as long as you stay no contact. If you reopen contact, it’s like picking at a scab, and it will take the wound that much longer to heal. …Try to make your healing process as enjoyable as possible (I know that sounds nuts, but I mean it). You can watch comedies, get your nails done, treat yourself to a hot bath. Be extra, extra good to yourself right now. You deserve it. <3

    If you haven't already joined the support group, I would encourage you to do so, as it really helps to get support from others who have been there, done that: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  9. Hi Dana. I appreciate your videos. Very insightful and concise. I have been in a 3 year relationship with a much younger girlfriend who seems to be a narcissist from what I can make out (for example, last time I called her she actually put me on hold for a minute! and now she blocked me from calling but denies it…). We have a 10 month old daughter together. How can I manage this situation? I do want to be there as far as possible for my daughter but I would prefer to emotionally disentangle myself from the mother. But this is all very difficult with such a young baby. One more detail: she and the baby live in Philippines while I am in a neighbouring country. I go to visit for a long weekend once a month on average. I did consider bringing them over to the country where I am working – I had all the visa papers ready – but I decided at the last minute it would just lead to one royal mess. Unfortunately I am very unlikely to get custody of the baby as Philippine custody cases are very much pro-mother. Grateful for your thoughts and keep up the good work. Nick

  10. If you are going to try and remain in your daughter’s life, then you can use a strategy called “grey rock” (http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/) This strategy works great for dealing with any type of difficult person. …I’m glad my videos have helped, and I hope that you are able to make the best out of this situation, and can move towards a place of health, happiness and healing.

  11. Hi Dana,
    Apologies in advance for the long letter. Thank you for the educational resources you provide for people like me. They are very relevant to my situation and easy to understand. I just finished listening to your “Red Flags of a Narcissists” series. I wanted to share a little bit of my story. I have been married to my husband for 17 years. I left him several times. My husband was physically abusive for the first few years of our marriage, but I left him and filed charges. We reconciled shortly after and then he never hit me again. I thought the abuse had ended until our 10th year of marriage when a crisis hit our family and I learned about emotional abuse. My husband was very possessive and jealous, he would monitor and track me, he would isolate me, control where I go and who I see, he controlled all the money, he monopolized my time and does not take on his share of the responsibilities. He would call me names, belittle and humiliate me and he abused me sexually. He has lots of issues with finding and keeping work, and I have supported him often.
    I left him in 2010, because my daughter who was 11 at the time, said he showed her pornography. I called the police and kicked him out, but the police officer did not believe us and nothing happened. My husband came to the door wailing loudly, laying prostrate on the floor in front of the kids. He begged them to let him back, they begged me and my daughter to let him back, and we did, we let him back. I kind of went into a weird numb place, where I pretended like everything was okay. I did that for 3 years and I am doing it now.
    The last time I left him was October 2014, I was beginning to heal, we were no contact for 2 months and then I had to start sharing custody with him and had to see him in December 2014. After seeing him, I called him crying telling at him about how much he had hurt me. Then in March 2015 we began talking again and by April we were seeing each other again, by September he moved back in. He appeared to have changed a lot. He did not change anything accept the way he abuses. He no longer abuses me overtly. He still controls my existence, but now his tactics are harder to explain as they are more covert. He stopped calling me names but he still controls my entire life. Below are 2 scenarios that goes on in our relationship, but honestly I have more horrifying examples then this.
    First example: he expects me to call him at all my breaks, lunch time and right when I get out of work. He says I do not have to, but if I do not he will interrogate me, pout and find ways to punish me. For example, the next day he will not answer any of my calls, but he will call me a few minutes later. I know it sounds trivial, but he does small things like this all the time.
    Second example, my husband said he use to abuse me because he was unhappy, because I was always gone at school (which does not explain the 10 years before that). He said he watched porn because I did not have enough sex with him because I was busy with homework. He said he was supporting me in going to school, but he kept trying to sabotage me. I was in college when we met, but he forced me to quit. I was not allowed to return to school until he went to college 10 years later. He quit a few semesters in and kept complaining about how I was not being a good wife, how I was not there for him, etc., to everyone we knew. I recently finished my BA and am starting my Master’s Degree and he keeps making comments that he realized school was not worth it because he says, “look at you, you got a degree and it did not help you at all because you are still working a low paying job”. There is more to the story of course. I cannot change jobs because my kids are attending a good school on a transfer, so I stay here so my kids can stay at the schools they love. He became a truck driver while we were separated and he will threaten me telling me if I go to school then he will “go back over the road, and will be forced to make ‘friends’ in other states because he will not be lonely”. All the while claiming that he supports me.
    Besides this he has started keeping secrets, I am not allowed to see his bank account. He hides his phone and will not show me his check stubs. He talks bad about my friends, comments on my clothing and belittles me with minute put downs that are hard to identify or explain. When I question his weird behavior. He says I am the one who is abusive.
    Long story short, I want to break this bond I have with him, I just started counseling again, but the next time I leave, I want to do so for good. In September, I told him I wanted to separate again, but he talked me into letting him stay. He gives me guilt trips when I ask him to leave, saying that I was making him homeless. I will have money to move January, but I do not know if I can wait that long, and at the same time the thought of ruining the holidays for my children once again, makes me feel guilty. He told me that he has changed and that I cannot see it. He said that because he said he was sorry that I should stop bringing it up and that I should be happy (even though his apology was followed by a reason as to why he felt justified in mistreating me). I believe in forgiving others, but I feel that by his forcing me to pretend like the past does not matter means that he wants amnesty and has not really had a change of heart. Is it possible for a once overt manipulator to become covert, so covert that it sounds crazy when you tell people your experience? Am I reading too much into his behavior? Is it possible for me to get free, once and for all?

    Thank you kindly,

    Irene

  12. Thank you for your YouTube videos! I think you are doing a wonderful service to the community and world by providing this information. My sister has stopped talking to my mother for almost 1 year. She had an accident and blamed my mom for not being there. She has completely cut – off ties and her silent treatment is incredibly painful. She has started the silent treatment with myself now. It is very hard and I do not understand it. I want to be in her life. However, all the things you speak about on your YouTube channel in regard to the Silent Treatment are completely accurate. Her roommate went through a similar situation where he stopped talking to his family for 3 years. He was homeless, got into drugs, and still didn’t call him mom. I don’t want this to be Kelly. However, I guess it doesn’t matter what I want because it is all about her. Thank you in advance!

  13. Hi Dana, I want to tell you that your YouTube videos have helped me to grow and learn more about narcissist behavior.

    My ex-wife was a narcissist and I’m an INFJ/Empath. It was a match made in Hell! For years I endured gaslighting, chronic/pathological lying, cheating, abandonment, stonewalling, flying monkeys, triangulation, blaming me for all of the problems and everything else the typical narcissist does.

    It took years after my divorce to learn about this kind of abusive behavior. Being an empath, I’ve been abused by friends and family all of my life, but narcissist was something beyond my comprehension until now.

    I was wondering if you had any advice about infj’s and our struggle to move on and find healthy relationships with other healthy people and not attract narcissist as I am aware that they prey on empathetic people.

    Outside of church, it is hard for me to meet new people and online dating is hard for infj’s as we tend to give it our all and get disappointed easily. Something that I am working on as I’ve learned to put up healthy boundaries for myself and others.

    Thank you for your videos and website as it has further informed me about the dangers of unhealthy relationships!

    I’m sorry for your struggles in your search for the right person, but know that your insight has healed and helped many people!! God bless you and thanks again!!

    Chip Johnson

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