“Sometimes paranoia is just having all the facts.” William S. Burroughs
This is going to sound paranoid, but it’s true: everything a Narcissist does is for some sort of self-serving reason. Everything. They got in a relationship with you for a reason. They had kids for a reason. They work (if they do work, that is) at where they work for a reason. They tell lies for a reason. But their reasons aren’t like reasons normal people have. Normal people stay in relationships because they are in love, and have kids because they like kids, and work because they want to support themselves. Narcissists don’t give a shit about any of these things. The get in relationships to feed their ego. They have kids to feed their ego. They work where they do to feed their ego. If their ego gets damaged or can be better fed elsewhere, then they leave. They are always looking for ways to feed their ego, and to normal people their erratic behavior “whims” seem totally unpredictable–but it’s not, once you understand where they are coming from. They are very simple creatures, always asking themselves, “Does this feed my ego, or have the potential to feed my ego?” That’s it. That’s all they care about.
Once you realize this, your life will be a lot easier, as their behavior will start to make a lot more sense. They are not normal people, and that’s hard for most people to understand (it took me years to fully embrace that). It’s almost like they are a different species. The basic needs for humans to survive are oxygen, water, food and shelter. For a Narcissist, the list is somewhat different. Feeding their ego is so crucial to their very being, that it’s right up there with oxygen. If you think of their ego as their life/energy source, and a Narcissist as an energy vampire, then you can see them for what they really are: energy-sucking creatures who thrive off of consuming and destroying others. If my description sounds severe, then odds are you haven’t yet been exposed to everything your Narcissist has up his sleeve. I’ve never met, or heard of, a “mild” Narcissist. They are all equally dangerous, but some hide it better than others–and honestly, the ones that hide it better scare the hell out of me, because you don’t see them coming until it’s too late. They are the Scott Petersen’s of the Narcissistic spectrum.
In order to protect yourself, you should ALWAYS be asking yourself two questions when dealing with a Narcissist:
1. What is their angle? Narcissists are master manipulators. It’s ALL they do, and it’s all they want to do. Everything is a game to them, and every move has a purpose–even if the move seems benign, or normal. For example, if you are going on a date with a Narcissist, and they arrive ten minutes early, it’s not because they care about being on time, it might be because they are trying to get you to see how reliable they are–how much unlike they are from your exboyfriend who was a flake (that you’ve already told them all about during the love bombing stage.) So why are they trying to get you to think they are reliable? Because then you’ll let more of your guard down, and you will be easier to hook. Sounds like I’m being paranoid, but trust me, I’m not. You’ve got to start asking yourself at every turn, “What’s their angle?”
2. How are they feeding their ego by doing this? Sometimes their feeding is immediate–they might say, or do something to get you or the kids to react, and then drink that emotional hysteria up. Other times, their actions might not be so clear. Take the previous example about being on time. If they can show you how reliable they are, they can better hook you. If they can better hook you, then, well, they have just caught their meal for the next however long you stay together. When they hook you, it is very satisfying for them. It means they’ve won, and then the real games start–the emotional highs and lows, the gas lighting, the silent treatment, the crazy making, the addictions, the poor financial management, the cheating, and of course the lies, lies, lies–followed by a smear campaign, flying monkeys, dosing, hoovering and love bombing. Trust me when I say it’s a crazy train that you’ll want to get off of as soon as you start to see these signs surface.
Once you start to see their motivation for doing things, the less likely you will be to get blindsided by them. Keep in mind that Narcissists don’t change, and they don’t have empathy or remorse, and the act according to their whim. This combination makes them extremely unpredictable and potentially dangerous. If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, I strongly urge you to find a therapist and/or support group and work on getting the hell out of there.
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
Latest posts by Dana (see all)
- Episode 30: Book Club Discussion on “Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse” by Joanna Moore - June 27, 2017
- Live Stream from June 21, 2017 - June 25, 2017
- Episode 28: Gratitude Can Help Keep You Grounded - March 21, 2017