If only crazy people were this easy to spot. Sigh. Narcissists are the most cunning type of crazy out there, and to listen to them tell it, they are the perpetual victim. Nothing, and I mean nothing is their fault. All of their ex’s are crazy/bipolar/addicts/alcoholics/bad parents. All of them.
There is no accountability of their part in any relationship.
Odds are if you listen to them talk about their ex’s or family members who no longer talk to them their stories don’t add up. It is not uncommon for Narcissists to not talk to a handful of their relatives–or I should say, that a handful of the Narcissist’s relatives don’t talk to them! This is because they’ve known this person long enough to see all the drama, chaos, lies and deceit that they bring everywhere they go.
They’re probably also victims of the Narcissist. The Narcissist will generally use the same excuses as to why none of his relationships have worked out: all those family members they don’t talk to are crazy/bipolar/addicts/alcoholics/bad people or parents. The victim feels bad for them that they’ve had such a run-in with all the wrong people—which is so weird, because they are Mr. Wonderful and such a great catch. Lucky them.
The truth is that the vast majority of these people probably aren’t crazy/bipolar/addict/alcoholics/bad people. They are probably just regular people that found out the truth about the Narcissist and got the hell away from them. Once the victim leaves, the Narcissist will launch a smear campaign against them, which makes everyone else think that the victim is the one with the problem.
This is most commonly seen when the Narcissist cheats. He will tell his wife that the girlfriend threw herself at him because she was crazy/bipolar/addict/alcoholic/bad person, and then he’ll turn around and tell the girlfriend the same reasons about why he’s leaving his wife. Both of these women will take pity on him, buy into his lies and now the other woman becomes the problem–not him. You can tell a brainwashed victim when she starts calling the other woman a home wrecker or worse–and there is no focus on the Narcissist or his actions!
Narcissists will trash talk all their victims, and if you are in a relationship with one, they will trash talk you too. They are able to create a believable smear campaign because they have intentionally presented themselves as Mr. Wonderful to most everyone else who knows him, so when his mask slips, the victim is seen as the crazy one or the one with a problem–after all the Narcissist is just so wonderful, he couldn’t possibly do all those things!
(Here is a link to all of the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series articles and videos in a list. I will be putting this link at the bottom of all the articles and videos so you can refer back to them in an easier-to-find way.)
This “Red Flag of a Narcissist” series is not designed to diagnose anyone with a personality disorder. It is designed to present a broad brush look at behaviors that most (if not all) manipulative people tend to have (not just Narcissists). Not all of these red flags are a signal to run for the hills, and a person doesn’t need to have ALL of these flags present to be dangerous or destructive.
These red flags also occur on a spectrum, meaning that they will be more obvious and troublesome in some people, and not so much in others.
At the same time, keep in mind that EVERYONE has some of these red flags—however, manipulative people tend to have them to a more troubling degree than normal, non-manipulative people. Keep in mind that Narcissists and Antisocial Personality Disordered people’s red flag behavior is more driven by their lack empathy and remorse, desire to manipulate and exploit other people for their personal gain, which is often not the case with those without these disorders. So don’t panic if you see some of your behavior in these red flags, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a Narcissist, or have a personality disorder. 🙂
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
Latest posts by Dana (see all)
- Episode 30: Book Club Discussion on “Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse” by Joanna Moore - June 27, 2017
- Live Stream from June 21, 2017 - June 25, 2017
- Episode 28: Gratitude Can Help Keep You Grounded - March 21, 2017