This is video #12 in the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series. Red flag #12 is “No Accountability (aka victim/hero speak).
Narcissists never think that they are the problem. This is in large part why taking them to therapy or hoping that they’ll change is a waste of time. Not only do they not think they are the problem, but because they are so manipulative, and need to save their public image (because after all, how effective would a con artist be if people knew they were a con artist), they always spin the truth to where they look like either the hero of the situation (they stayed with their abusive ex to protect the kids–when in fact they were the abusive one), or they were the victim (the other woman threw herself at them).
Normal people take people at face value unless they get a feeling that the person is lying, or that there’s more to the story. This is what can be so damn frustrating about this red flag: other people tend to believe the Narcissist’s side of things, as they are so convincing! Arg!
If you think you have a Narcissist in your life, listen to how they phrase their side of the story. Is there any accountability there? And if so, does it sound sincere? (Lots of Narcissists, especially those who have been to therapy, can do a great job of sounding insightful and sincere when telling you stories about their past–but odds are you are gonna still feel like something is a little “off”, or that they aren’t giving you the whole truth. …This is because something is off, and they aren’t giving you the whole truth.
If you are with someone who has had crazy behavior (extreme lying, cheating, stealing, etc.) you can’t trust them! Ever. I’m always surprised when I hear people tell me that they know they are in a relationship with a Narcissist, but that this time they wonder if he’s telling the truth, or if some weird explanation of events could possibly be true.
Narcissists lie. All. The. Time.
They might not be telling a total lie, but odds are they are telling you a half truth about something. Trying to figure out when they are telling the full truth is a great way to drive yourself insane. You deserve more from the people in your life. Learn how to avoid a relationship with a Narcissist, and start finding the good, sincere people out there.
…They are out there. In fact, I bet there are thousands of people who are wishing that they could meet someone just like you. Don’t save that seat next to you for someone who doesn’t deserve it.
(Here is a link to all of the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series articles and videos in a list. I will be putting this link at the bottom of all the articles and videos so you can refer back to them in an easier-to-find way.)
This “Red Flag of a Narcissist” series is not designed to diagnose anyone with a personality disorder. It is designed to present a broad brush look at behaviors that most (if not all) manipulative people tend to have (not just Narcissists). Not all of these red flags are a signal to run for the hills, and a person doesn’t need to have ALL of these flags present to be dangerous or destructive.
These red flags also occur on a spectrum, meaning that they will be more obvious and troublesome in some people, and not so much in others.
At the same time, keep in mind that EVERYONE has some of these red flags—however, manipulative people tend to have them to a more troubling degree than normal, non-manipulative people. Keep in mind that Narcissists and Antisocial Personality Disordered people’s red flag behavior is more driven by their lack empathy and remorse, desire to manipulate and exploit other people for their personal gain, which is often not the case with those without these disorders. So don’t panic if you see some of your behavior in these red flags, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a Narcissist, or have a personality disorder. 🙂
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
Latest posts by Dana (see all)
- Episode 55: How Do I Stop My Addiction to the Narcissist? - August 23, 2017
- Episode 53: Strategies to Help Prevent Your Child from Being Manipulated by a Narcissistic Parent - August 21, 2017
- Episode 54: How can we handle victim blaming and revictimization? - August 18, 2017