Red Flag of a Narcissist #12: No Accountability (aka Victim/Hero Speak)

narcissists and lack of accountability


This is video #12 in the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series. Red flag #12 is “No Accountability (aka victim/hero speak).

Narcissists never think that they are the problem. This is in large part why taking them to therapy or hoping that they’ll change is a waste of time. Not only do they not think they are the problem, but because they are so manipulative, and need to save their public image (because after all, how effective would a con artist be if people knew they were a con artist), they always spin the truth to where they look like either the hero of the situation (they stayed with their abusive ex to protect the kids–when in fact they were the abusive one), or they were the victim (the other woman threw herself at them).

Normal people take people at face value unless they get a feeling that the person is lying, or that there’s more to the story. This is what can be so damn frustrating about this red flag: other people tend to believe the Narcissist’s side of things, as they are so convincing! Arg!

If you think you have a Narcissist in your life, listen to how they phrase their side of the story. Is there any accountability there? And if so, does it sound sincere? (Lots of Narcissists, especially those who have been to therapy, can do a great job of sounding insightful and sincere when telling you stories about their past–but odds are you are gonna still feel like something is a little “off”, or that they aren’t giving you the whole truth. …This is because something is off, and they aren’t giving you the whole truth.

If you are with someone who has had crazy behavior (extreme lying, cheating, stealing, etc.) you can’t trust them! Ever. I’m always surprised when I hear people tell me that they know they are in a relationship with a Narcissist, but that this time they wonder if he’s telling the truth, or if some weird explanation of events could possibly be true.

Narcissists lie. All. The. Time.

They might not be telling a total lie, but odds are they are telling you a half truth about something. Trying to figure out when they are telling the full truth is a great way to drive yourself insane. You deserve more from the people in your life. Learn how to avoid a relationship with a Narcissist, and start finding the good, sincere people out there.

…They are out there. In fact, I bet there are thousands of people who are wishing that they could meet someone just like you. Don’t save that seat next to you for someone who doesn’t deserve it.

(((hugs)))

Continue onto Red Flag of a Narcissist #13: Behavior Changes that Don’t Last

(Here is a link to all of the “Red Flags of a Narcissist” series articles and videos in a list. I will be putting this link at the bottom of all the articles and videos so you can refer back to them in an easier-to-find way.)

This “Red Flag of a Narcissist” series is not designed to diagnose anyone with a personality disorder. It is designed to present a broad brush look at behaviors that most (if not all) manipulative people tend to have (not just Narcissists). Not all of these red flags are a signal to run for the hills, and a person doesn’t need to have ALL of these flags present to be dangerous or destructive. 

These red flags also occur on a spectrum, meaning that they will be more obvious and troublesome in some people, and not so much in others. 

At the same time, keep in mind that EVERYONE has some of these red flags—however, manipulative people tend to have them to a more troubling degree than normal, non-manipulative people. Keep in mind that Narcissists and Antisocial Personality Disordered people’s red flag behavior is more driven by their lack empathy and remorse, desire to manipulate and exploit other people for their personal gain, which is often not the case with those without these disorders. So don’t panic if you see some of your behavior in these red flags, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a Narcissist, or have a personality disorder. 🙂

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

3 Comments

  1. Love your video… My sister and I have just recently found out that our mother is narcissistic… she doesn’t know she has it. Everything I look up about narcissistic people fits her. I would like to know what to do. To drop all contact just seems harsh but, she’s too much to handle.

  2. I can totally identify with this victim/hero as the Narc in my life was not to blame in the break up of either marriage first wife he said had affair with one of their friends and subsequently they married his second wife he claimed was too interested in her career to be concerned with the children and he had to go part time at work to look after the children. He left his second wife when his children were 1 and 3 yrs old! Since that time his 2nd wife has looked after them apart from 1 day a week when they stay at his …..and sometimes then he cancels at the last minute leaving her to pick up the pieces. So he was victim there but despite it all he has been the hero in their lives by giving emotional support …..and he still gets both his ex wives to run round after him either doing practical things or by giving him money. His second wife has a good job and actually pays him money every week and buys food for the children when they stay with him and pay for his phone line and internet.The phone line and internet were a reward after one attempt at suicide. Unbelievable both ex’s are nice women ….and they have their children to protect so tend to keep the peace.He can get away with what he does because they give him a cover of respectability so to the outside world looks like he is mature and can get along with his ex’s but in reality he just sees them as people to serve him and milk them when he can using guilt or whatever means he comes up with ….quite often his”PTSD” serves him well.

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