Red Flag of a Narcissist #24: Never Apologizes

Narcissists and Apologies

Narcissists rarely, if ever, apologize.  If they do apologize, it isn’t sincere–and it’s only because they want you to hurry up and get over being upset with them so things can go back to being the way they were (meaning, that they can start taking full advantage of you and of the situation).

Learn the red flags, and learn to be a few steps ahead of them.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Frustrations? Ideas for videos? Want to share part of your story, or just want to say hi? Let me know!

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 252 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

10 Comments

  1. I realize now after 11.5 yrs together that my spouse never apologizes. He does if he accidentally steps on your toes or something that requires a moment of common courtesy. If it requires admitting that he is wrong or has a character flaw, then do not hold your breath. Heck, I cannot even remember an incident where he has apologized just for bad luck. I wanted to believe that he didn’t have to say the words to actually be sorry. Now I realize that his actions don’t speak for sorry either. I have had to forget most of the situations in order to be in the marriage. I write in a journal when things get bad. When I go back and read it, I do not remember most of it. Disassociation is a tremendous coping tool. I would have never believed that I would have mastered coping so well. Most days I feel like I am the messed up one, but when I stand back and look at the big picture, I know something is wrong with his behavior towards me. I am not sure if he is really a “narcissist” or not and I guess it really doesn’t matter the label. I do know that when someone cannot sincerely apologize for something they have done wrong and prefer to blame others for their behavior (like giving me the silent treatment for 3 months and when it comes to a head, his only response is “you do not appreciate the lifestyle that I give you”, which isn’t true. I just don’t react to his bs anymore.), then there is something seriously wrong with that person. Thank you for your articles. I wish I could talk to someone like you everyday while I try to find my way out of this mess. – Babalulu

  2. I am a rather conscientious perosn who often feel guilty about my motives actions but who thanks to these qualities rarely actually hurt others. 9 months ago I met a person who seemed to reaaly respect me and like me. In the beginning Everything was great. We spent a lot of time together. I helped this person finance their studies, I even convinced two of my friends to help this person, which they did. After sometime the person started giving me the silent treatment and sometimes criticezed me in a very hurtful way for things they didn’t know anything about. We were only friends but i had some romantic interest even though I knew that my friend wasn¨t interested in me that way. One day they invited me to their home. I was quite generous paying for meals and transport and what have you. My friend didn’t say thank you and I asked them why and said that hurt me. My friend reacted very badly to this suggesting that only helped them to get Gratitude. That weekend was one of the worst experiences in my Life. My friend humiliated me in front of their family, gave me the silent treatment, murmuring during our conversations, so I constantly had to ask what the said.. One night they abandoned me to party and have sex with their partner. The following week i had a serious conversation with my friend and they asked me to “discover” my own wrongdoings, my own sorded motives, my jealousy etc, and I did and I told them I was sorry. Now when my friend has descarded me completely I wonder if it is common among narcissists and psychopaths to make their victims take the blame even though it is them who have behaved cruelly. Does anybody else have any experience of this “blame game”?

  3. Hi Babalulu,

    Thanks for writing and for sharing part of your story. I would encourage you to join the support group if you haven’t already, as I think you’ll find a lot of the encouragement and support you are needing: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum . I try to be in there everyday as well.

    You sound as though you have a tremendous amount of insight into your situation, and that is a big step. So yay you for that! …You mention your disassociation and coping skills–yes, many of us that have gone through relationships like these become experts are trying to make the most out of a toxic situation–and yes, you are right, it doesn’t matter the name we give toxic people. We can call them “Narcissists”, “Sociopaths”, “Abusive”, what have you–what matters the most is that we are able to identify toxic behavior for what it is, and then for us to be able to react accordingly.

    You mention that there is something wrong with him and his behavior–and yes, I would agree. Whether he intends to or not, his behavior is (at a minimum) emotionally abusive. It’s cruel to do the silent treatment for three months, and I’m sorry that you had to go through that.

    I will be starting a series on codependency here in the next few days, and I’m going to be covering healthy boundaries in that series. I think you will get a lot out of it, so keep your eyes open for it on YouTube.

    (((hugs))) to you my dear, you aren’t alone in all of this, you aren’t crazy, and you really can heal from this. <3

  4. I think we all have experience with the blame game. Highly manipulative people NEVER take full, and sincere responsibility for their actions–which is what makes them so manipulative–and what makes these relationships so crazy making, as we try to sort out if it was them or us, or what really happened. …If you haven’t already watched the video series called, “How to Avoid Dating (or Befriending) Another Narcissist” I would strongly encourage you to do so: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (it’s the third playlist down).

    I hope this helps (((hugs)))

  5. The N in my life was as cool as a cucumber when he informed me he did not “do” apologies – I shouldn’t have made the mistake.

    I never made mistakes. I questioned his behaviour. Then I seemed to apoligise for questioning. He didn’t accept them and not once with all the horrendous stuff I started to find did I hear the words I am sorry with any real ownership of what he had done. He would say he was sorry when there was no getting away from the evidence – he would say he was sorry that I was upset because I had no idea how much he was missing his daughters/ or how I’ll he was feeling/ or how hard he worked for “us” and then usually the tears would come. I fell for it several times because at that time I did not know these people existed. While he was round me I felt under his spell. When I was away from him in the cold light of day – I would find my rational mind kick in and I would start to see nothing was making sense and it just felt so unreal.

    I really did worry for my sanity. I love your videos because so much you say resonates and I can accept he was a covert predatory N and I was not wrong to believe that. I was not wrong about a lot of things he made me believe I was.

  6. I’m glad are you getting the clarity you needed from my videos. <3

    Yes, it can be quite the process to work our way out of the web of manipulation, and to reclaim our power, control, and understanding of what we went through–and it is really incredibly eye-opening once we realize that there is a name for what we are experiencing.

    I really believe that the big lesson that can be learned in having these people come into our lives is for us to learn to listen to (and have faith in) our inner voice. That voice (more of a feeling really) guides us not only away from problematic people and situations, but towards our ultimate happiness–and once we are in alignment with who we truly are, then we are living a life of purpose, on purpose.

    (((hugs))) to you, and I wish you all the health, healing, and happiness in this next chapter of your life. I hope you make it the best one yet! <3

  7. Dana I have been out of it narcissistic abusive relationship of six years for two months now. I just left finally after one big blowup one day went got an apartment and just started moving forward. This narcissistic poison individual virtually destroyed every relationship in my life that he could and even all of his own relationships with his family his children his granddaughter.. True textbook narcissist malignant. I am so vulnerable right now I immediately started joining a support group started going to therapy joined coda codependency anonymous support group. The problem is when you get these intense feelings of loneliness and then I got online this week on that dating site called OK Cupid of course one of the guys that target it may happen to be a narcissist he had all the telltale signs started love bombing me in the first conversation finally gave me his number and after talking to him for several hours via texting on that website I finally decided I would call him just to get a sense of what type of person he was. He lives three hours away wanted to mediately come and see me as soon as possible worked in a field where he is a transient so he may be one place six months another place another six months etc. said his mother died last year he never knew his father he has no siblings and his wife died of breast cancer 10 years ago. Dressed impeccably and all of his pictures very handsome man but too many red flags there for me. Talking about spoiling me even on his profile description he talks about spoiling the woman with the flowers and blah blah blah. All the typical Red flag signs. When I mentioned making a pot roast recipe that I had that he should have because he mentioned eating a pot roast that he had made I was asking him how he prepared it then he before he even had a chance to think about it he was suggesting that why doesn’t he come next week and I can make the pot roast and I can fix it the way I want to fix that he’ll bring a bottle of red wine and just so freaking fast some in my head was spinning. So this morning I blocked his phone number and I disabled my profile on that site this was a true wake up call but at least this time I was able to see yet I can honestly say I am so thankful for all the support people have been getting out there on YouTube and various venues had it not been for my indoctrinating myself looking at all the red flag signs listening to people’s videos I would’ve probably falling right back into this trap thank you so much for your support and your help.

  8. At the beginning of No Contact with the N, one post he put on his FB was “Life is better when you accept the apologies you will never receive”….This is ‘projection’…He does this to elevate himself and make me the crazy one….beware

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