Narcissists and other manipulative people do a great job at convincing their partner that they are soul mates–that they have this intense connection, and that they’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. Because they are mirroring most (if not all) of the victim’s likes and dislikes back to the victim, the victim also believes that they have this soul mate connection. This intense connection often lasts until some sort of major bad (or questionable) behavior surfaces, such as lying, cheating, stealing, or other types of personality changes like name calling, yelling, or having a short temper. The victim begins to question this soul mate connection, and is confused as to how they could be so perfect together, and yet their partner’s could be up to such out-of-character behavior.
When the questionable behavior is brought up, it’s spun back around to somehow not be the Narcissists fault. Manipulative people generally use some form of what I call, “I CHIVE” in order to get their way:
E: Emotions (Fear, Love, Obligation, Guilt)
If they are caught for some bad behavior, instead of being accountable for it, they will usually deny, deflect, blame, justify, or minimize it (or all of the above). If none of these techniques work, or if their behavior is such that they can’t deny it (they got someone (or themselves) pregnant, or got caught by the police, or so on, then they use obligation and hope to keep the victim feeling pressured to stick around.
This generally goes something like, “I need you to stand by me while I’m in jail/rehab/court/leave my other partner for you, etc.”, or “What we have is so special. I know we can get through this.” Or, “I took care of you after you had surgery (but they really didn’t), I can’t believe you are going to walk out on me now that I need you.” Or, “I can’t believe you are being so selfish. So I’m not perfect. I guess commitment doesn’t mean anything to you. I can’t believe you are going to walk out on me.” (When in fact, they are the ones who had the deal breaker behavior, and now the victim finds themselves apologizing for trying to draw a healthy boundary.)
The victim feels pressured to stay, and so they do–and what often ends up happening, is that their partner not only doesn’t change, but continues to get worse. The victim begins walking on eggshells, changing their behavior out of guilt or obligation, and clings to hope that this amazing relationship and that the person they knew will return. They often feel responsible for making the relationship work, not realizing that they are the only one that is making all the effort.
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
Latest posts by Dana (see all)
- Episode 69: What are healthy boundaries? - September 25, 2017
- Episode 68:My boyfriend doesn’t care about my feelings. Is he a narcissist? - September 22, 2017
- Episode 67:Do you have any tips for how to get my narcissist friend out of my life? - September 20, 2017