Have a good resource you want to tell everyone about? Let me know and I’ll add it to the list!





















  1. i have been with my narc since 16 he was 18 . we have been together for 24 years.We have 2 grown children now . Had it not been for my daughter looking up (gas lighting ) I wouldnt have found all this out . she told me i was the strongest person she knew till i got around her dad . are nacs born like this is it learned ? in 09 my nars cheating and gas lighting got to me and i gave up and tried to end my life , i am disabled do to working 2 jobs , but the thing is he has worked all but 5 moths of our marriage he is a paramedic some call him a (paragod) . he has a child w/ another woman , he uses work as a cover . cas iam at home an cant work all his friends are woman . the last 2 i found out about had moved into my area to be close to him . i get i check at the first of the month an he has it spent by the time i get it , im have n a major surgery on the 29 of this month . he has told me i need to go to a nursin home instead of coming home after the 2 days spent in the hosp, after i heal from that (8 weeks) .there is so much more that has happened but i really feel STUCK so my question is . with the info i have found out (gas lighting ect.) . should i bring it up to him . after getting this info i have been a lil stand offish and he keeps ask whats wrong , i want to tell him but i know now that just makes him feel good. should i try to get proof he is doing this stuff . so he doesnt try the hole gas lighting again . ppl tend to believe him over me . he is so charming he knows everyone around here . i am bi polar but im being treated for it . untill now i never thought he would use that on women . 1 thing that bothered me was i have felt like i have to compete in the bedroom against all these women ,now i know it didnt matter things i did for him i felt sick about the next day it didnt matter . i am so lost .. when divorce would come up he would say”is that that u want ” ? knowing it wasnt . i have come to the point where there is a thin line beteen love and hate . the worse part is i have wasted 24 years of my life . im 38 starting over is going to suck . i dont mind if put this on utube , if it can help some one in my situation , i dnt know what to do now . do i talk to him . get proof so he cant gaslight me more . do i just go about my day get through the med stuff coming up , save money ( saving money part will be hard). lord will this ever end . theres so much more . he has hit me before but its been years now . he admitted in a verbal fight one time that he had been with 300 plus women . i just thought he was a sex addict. i never thought in a million years all of the , plz help , thank u , ginger

  2. Hello, my wife is saying I am a narcissist because I have a tendency to control or try to control people. Is that really the definition of a narcissist? Right before we were married three years ago I caught her sending nude pictures of herself to someone online. This was a few months after I caught her lying to me to go out with another man when we were living together and came home so drunk she couldn’t walk. I thought this was outrageous and planned to cancel the wedding but she begged me not to, so I told her we could go ahead if she went to counseling with me. The counselor said the most important thing is for her to build my trust back up, so she agreed to have a tracker on her phone so I knew where she was until I built my trust back up for her. Problem is she continually deleted the tracker at times so I never got the trust built back up, so here we are 3 years later and she is now calling me a narcissist. What do you make of that?

  3. A Narcissist is someone who has a pattern of selfish, entitled behavior. They manipulate and lie, and lack empathy and remorse. They are often grandiose, but not always. Based on what’s you’ve said, you don’t sound like a Narcissist.

    So let’s put the term “Narcissist” aside for a moment, and let’s talk about behavior. At best she is doing some very inappropriate things, at worst she is cheating. She did not hold up her end of the bargain by willing to live a life of total transparency, and continued to act in way that showed she didn’t want to be in a committed, monogamous, open, honest, and sincere relationship. In fact, she continued to act in a way that proved that you couldn’t trust her–which to me, and to most people with healthy boundaries would be deal breaker behavior.

    Looks like at this point you have a choice to make: either stay married to a woman you don’t trust, and who isn’t interested in building your trust, or get a divorce.

    Here is a video that I hope will help: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/dating-a-narcissist/

    I know this isn’t an easy decision for you to make, and I wish you all the best. (((hugs)))

  4. I wouldn’t waste the energy trying to point out to him that he is manipulating you–as he will just deny it. If this man is cheating, lying, and otherwise toxic to you, then I’d encourage you to get out of there. Starting over will bring about it’s own challenges, but so will staying. I would encourage you to reach out to your local domestic violence shelter and/or social worker/nurse when you are having surgery and see if they can help connect you to resources that can help you leave. Perhaps your local disability office can help too. Let them know that your husband has control over your money, and that he has done many things to you, and that you are trying to leave–but need help developing a plan, as well as help with money as he has most of it. Some local churches may be able to help as well–either with a new place, or with funds to help you pay rent. …Could you stay with one of your adult children for a month or so until you can separate bank accounts from your husband and start to get more financially secure?

    I’m going to give you two links that I think might also help:



    Support group: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    There are lots of options out there, and you aren’t alone in this. <3 I wish you all the best. (((hugs)))

  5. Ginger: I would like to add a suggestion. Collect evidence! Any documents, bank statements, emails, etc. that will help substantiate your story, should you need to down the road. Also, write down all of the incidents that indicate this man is abusive and start keeping a diary. You can start a personal blog or write on paper. Just make sure your notes are hidden.

    I would also like to encourage you to join the Resistance. Share your stories! Other victims will relate to your experiences and feel less isolated and hopeless. We are many, and one day, the chorus of our voices will make it difficult for abusers to enjoy impunity and hide in plain sight. There are a gazillion websites and blogs where you can contribute with an article or leave a comment. Or, why not start your own?

  6. Hello. discovering you and your web site has cleared a lot up for me. I am a 49 year old black male currently married to a narc woman. The reason I mention my nationality and gender is because Stereotypically it does not seem that I would fall for such malarkey, but I have been married to this woman for 12 yrs. My question is, when using the “Grey Rock” technique. what is the abuser thinking. Are they thinking the gig is up, and will this bring about the discard phase.

  7. Dear Dana,

    I am desperate for some clearance here. I was in relationship with Narc for 2 years and he totally destroyed my self-esteem and confidence by triangulation and other manipulations and horrible behavior (which could be a book material; he is definitely a NPD with some psychopathic traids – 2 of my friends are psychologist and they both agreed about that) . I want to focus on triangulation as this is still destroying me. He was triangulating me with his ex who according to him was understanding him and was amazing. They were together for 4 years in long distance relationship (they were in 2 different countries). He told me that he cheated on her once but from his stories which I put like a jigsaw together I am sure that he was cheating on her more often than once…One of the reasons they broke up was the fact that she was postponing for one year her move to the country of his residence (perhaps, she suspect how her life could be with him and didn’t want to move to UK?). I know that when they broke up, he straight away was involved with someone else for 1.5 year and after that relationship finished, he started hoovering the ex (from long distance relationship) but she didn’t fall for it: saying that they are different people they thought they are and that they were idealizing this relationship (I heard that from him, so it’s his version…). Then he met me and after first phase, he started comparing me to her a lot and devaluation process started and was intense. I am not proud but I checked his FB on several occasions during our relationship (as I always felt not good enough, although I am a good looking woman, well-educated, with her own property etc., but never enough…or everything I achieved or done was belittled or degraded) and discovered that he was checking her profile, they weren’t in contact but it looks to me like he is obsessed with her. We were living together (he never lived with anyone before) and as you can imagine I got all sort of emotional abuse possible. He and ex were always apart living in 2 different countries meeting probably once a month or so, and that’s why I think he is idealizing her as she doesn’t know his true colors (when you are apart it is easier to keep your mask on and pretend as you don’t have a daily contact). I threw him out of my flat we were living together (in September 2015), he moved out and as I expected he is trying to hoover her again (I know that from social media) and I think she is in contact with him. It drives me crazy, that I did so much for him, putting up with his sick personality disorder, selfishness, stinginess (my other question: he earns a lot of money and hoards it and is extremely stingy to the point is sick-is that possible with NPD to be so stingy? That could be another topic for me to ask you as he was using that as an abuse as well, humiliating me constantly that I have less money. f. ex.: anniversary dinner, we are looking at the menu, his comment: ‘Don’t choose this dishes as there are too expensive…’ and there is so more to tell you Dana it makes me sick…). Now, I am so pissed off and hurt as I was living him and got all shit of his NPD behavior on daily basis (which I won’t mention here as I want to focus on triangulation)and she was in other country being idealized and now, he again wants her back in his life! Why is that? How can you explain that??? Is is because she doesn’t know his true colors or maybe she is fluttered that he is still into her? Or maybe he only treated me so badly? It is bothering me so much even though I know I am free from abuse I should build myself back which I do, but this particular fact is not giving me a peace of mind…. Why I was treated so badly when I gave so much and why someone who wasn’t here for him and he cheated on is treated like a goddess who is worth all his respect and attention. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in love with him. I simply can’t understand why I got all that mind fucking for trying to be a perfect and the best girlfriend. Fucking hate him for all he did to me…and now I am a broken person as he slowly destroyed me through 2 years of being together. I am 36, this year 37 and I wanted family kids and he was promising me all that telling me empty lies about it…and I am scared that I won’t be able to rebuild myself and won’t have time to meet someone and have family… I am so depressed because of that, that I wasted so much time for someone who faked all his feelings towards me, it’s killing me… Dana please help me, I need some clarity on that topic is biting me too much… Why????
    I also wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your channel and your wise kind words. I think I received answers who saved my sanity from you. I can’t describe my gratitude for you, just for you to know that you are amazing and you saved my life by giving me answers to the question: what happened to me…what he was doing to me…what that all means…THANK YOU!!! Antonina

  8. Hi Antonina,

    I’m sorry that you are going through so much, and boy can I relate!

    It’s important that you realize a few things:

    1. What you went through with him is an emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive relationship. It was not healthy, and it’s a good thing that it ended–as it would only have gotten worse.

    2. He went back to her, not because of some defect in you, but because he is using her for some reason, and odds are he is abusing her in the same way.

    3. When people behave in an abusive way, it’s because that’s how they interact and cope with the world–it’s not just a bout of bad behavior that they stop and never do again. For them to really change, they need to first be responsible and accountable for their part in things–which they rarely are. Even if they can own their behavior, it takes years of intensive therapy for them to change (and the success rate is REALLY low.)

    4. You mention that you have low self-esteem. Please, please, please work on this. If you don’t get this fixed, then odds are you will find yourself dating more problematic people down the road. Here is a video that I hope will help point you in the right direction: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/dating-a-narcissist/

    …Also, if you haven’t joined the support group, you might want to consider doing so (or at least reading some of the posts–I think you’ll find it really helpful) : http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum



  9. I saw a post on your facebook. It talks about not telling a narc secrets. However, I don’t really have secrets. I have personal stories. But if I am trying to engage in an intimate relationship with someone, I feel that they should be able to hear my personal stories. And I should be able to hear theirs. Isn’t advising people to not share that information giving the narc a way to hide there bad behavior as “secrets”? Aren’t two healthy people in a relationship not supposed to have secrets?

  10. Yes, in a healthy relationship it’s important for two people to share their lives. I define a healthy relationship as one that is based on open, honest, sincere, and solutions oriented communication, and where both people treat each other with dignity, compassion, and respect.

    However, a healthy relationship is only possible if there are two healthy people involved. If one of those people is a Narcissist (which is a person who often lies and manipulates) then there is no relationship–there is only a “manipulationship” and relationships like this are one-sided, and not healthy.

    It’s a bad idea for any of us to share any details of our lives with someone who is a liar and a manipulator–especially if that person is out to exploit others.

  11. Wow Dana!!!
    I heard a new thing called Gas Lighting yesterday. I went right away to YouTube to learn more about it and saw your video. Then I watched almost all of your Red Flag of a Narcissist -videos. My goodness those were just what I needed.
    Now I understand again little bit better what happened to me. I believe that now I have more courage to talk to my friends and family what really happened to me almost two years ago. Luckily my family and friends never met the guy who did all those nasty things to me, because we lived together in another country. I have been blaming myself so much, but your videos seem to help me to work with the guilt and shame.
    The more I understand, the more I can let go.

    Thank you so much Dana <3

    Hugs from Finland

  12. hi dana, thank you so much for all of your insight and wisdom. you are saving lives. can you tell me how I can donate pls?

  13. I want to ‘THANK’ Dana and everyone here for sharing ‘LIFE’! I have such a unique story to share because it has a whole new dimension that I haven’t found told anywhere else. Not to take away anything from any of the other resources on the web but I find Dana’s energy and thus intentions to be very humbling! I wish everyone all the Health, Peace and Happiness that awaits them to be found!!! Have the best X-Mas ever and a better start to your New Year!!!

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