welcome

First and foremost, welcome! I’m really glad that you found your way here. <3

There’s a lot of information here, and I think a great place to start is with the three pages under the “Start Here” tab (which I’ll link to here) called:

Top 10 FAQs About Narcissistic Relationships

How to Spot a Narcissist

Words You Need to Know

After reading those pages, you may want to check out the various YouTube videos on Narcissism

As always, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, frustrations, ideas for blog posts or videos (of just in general), let me know. You can contact me by email at: dana@www.thriveafterabuse.com or you can find me on my support group on Facebook.

173 Comments

  1. Hello
    I have recently broken up with someone who I believe to be a narcissist. it went through the various stages of idealisation, devaluation. I eventually got the strength to break up with him.
    He lied to me so many times, I now believe everything he said was a lie
    He lied about
    1) having cancer
    2) knocked over by a car
    3) having depression
    4) being evicted from his house
    5) tried to get my attention saying he was in a car accident
    6) lied to me about what he got me for Xmas
    7) suicide threats – came out of the bathroom with a mark round his neck
    8) passport was stolen in Galway and made a whole fuss over it on facebook
    9) accused me of cheating

    He said that he thought something bad happened to me

    He emotionally, psychology, verball, mentally and sexually abused me for 6 months to a point that I didn’t know myself self. I lost 2 stone within one month of being with.him. After I finally caught him out on his lies. He sent me a picture of a rope round his neck with a message “I told you I’d do it”
    He also sent me suicide poems and threats. I am currently going through a smear campaign which is scary. As he knows a lot of my friends I have found them not to speak to me at all.
    It’s like he has totally forgotten about me. He is going on like i didnt exist.
    I get a lot of the flash backs and Im prone to stress a lot more now

    During the break up
    I got a hateful message from his aunt telling me that I am an awful person and that I should be ashamed of myself treating the narc like the way I did. That message dropped my self esteem even.more.

  2. My ex is a covert narcissist who attention seeking tool is Facebook. Which is where we originally met.I left the relationship, as I realized that the relationship was deteriorating quickly.
    My concern is that she (same sex relationship), keeps forcing her way back into my life via Facebook, Twitter, text, and Tango. I have changed my phone number, and have blocked her from my social media sites. I have made it very clear to her that ant further contact from her is unwanted, and is considered stalking. She didn’t care. Twitter, she raped my followings and added everyone to her account, several times after I blocked her. So I finally deleted Twitter completely, feeling that was my only option to get rid of her. Facebook, she still continues to manage to either somehow become friends with my friends or friend request me directly. I refuse to close the account because I have many close and supportive friends I have known for a long time. My friend list is on private settings and cannot be seen by anyone but me. This last time, after gas lighting me personal drama, lies, to attempt to hoover me back in, I eventually accepted the request and left a not very nice message asking her what’s going on. She gave me the bs story of how she misses me, because she lost her last source of narcissistic supply. I’ve been down right mean to her in hopes that she gets the message that any contact from her is going to be met with anger and exposing her lies, cheating, domestic violence, isolation, jealously, and hiding her Facebook posts bad mouthing me to her friends and family, telling them we broke up long before we did, trolling for dates, bragging about sleeping with several men and a couple of women too. Mostly one night stands. And a confirmation of some lies that I never believed in the first place, and gave up trying to prove.
    Anyways, I really need some advice about how to get rid of her once and for all. She always seems to pop back up when my life is going well and I’m moving on with my life and feeling good about myself. I’m seeing a therapist, but unfortunately she has many clients, and is only able to see me once a month. I am able to call her when Things get really bad. I have contacted her for help about this, unfortunately it took her a week to call me back. And I missed her call, and left a message…waiting for the call back.
    Having personal experience with your own narcissists, I think you could have more effective advice than anyone else. Could you please give me some suggestions or ideas to get rid of my ex narcissist for good? I’m doing everything I can to move on with my life and become a healthy person, and put that toxic relationship behind me. Videos like yours, and a couple of therapists specialized in narcissist abuse and recovery have been such a tremendous help. Your knowledge and videos…have taught me so much and have helped me take back the control she once had over me…as well as finding my angry voice to stand up to her and shut her down right away, instead of taking her bs like I used to. She hasn’t contacted me on Facebook messenger in a few days after I shut her down and turned it off. I have that feeling like something is brewing beneath the surface, like maybe another smear campaign. She uses her friends (minions) to do her dirty work too!
    Thank you so much for listening to my rant. I just wanted to try to give a clear picture of the situation in hopes that you could have some advice. At this point, I’ll do anything, legal, to get rid of her forever.
    Desperate for help.

    Katrina Hill

  3. Hi Daniel,

    It sounds like there is a lot of toxicity in that family–whether or not it’s just him, and he was able to turn his aunt into a “flying monkey” or if she has some disordered thinking too. Regardless, I’m glad that you are no longer in that situation, even though I know it still hurts. This person would most likely have caused you nothing but hurt and heartache had you kept him in your life. I hope that you can reflect on this situation and use it to examine your standards for how you allow others to treat you, as well as examine your boundaries so that you bounce abusive people/liars out of your life sooner rather than later. (((hugs))) to you. <3

  4. Hi there,

    Yes, yes, yes, there is a wonderful life to be had once you are free from these people. It does take some time, and lots of rebuilding, but it can be done. You are not alone in your pain, and his behavior is not your fault, nor is a reflection of you as a person. The best thing about having your life blown to pieces, is that you get to choose which pieces you want to pick up and rebuild with. (((hugs))) to you. <3

  5. Thank you so much for your videos. I was married to a narcissist for six years and only left one month ago. When I left I knew nothing about NPD. I had researched bi polar disorder and PTSD looking for answers. The funny thing (sarcastically funny) is that when I left he told me he thought he had cancer. You are the only person posting info about narcissists who mentions this particular tactic. I admire your transparency because so far I have only wanted to hide from the world. My former self (pre narcissistic abuse) would have been screaming the truth from the rooftop. My favorite verse in the bible is, Those things done in secret will be shouted from the rooftops. Thank you, thank you, thank you for shouting, for telling those of us who have been turned inside out what is happening to us, for showing ME there is life after this nightmare death.

  6. Hi Kat (I changed your name a bit to protect your identity),

    Thanks for writing. 🙂

    In order to get your point across to a really persistent Narcissist, I think it helps to view them like a little kid. Meaning, once you draw a boundary, you really have to keep that boundary firm, or they run all over you. It’s like telling a little kid that they can’t have ice cream for dinner. They are most likely going to pull out all the stops in order to get their way–especially if you’ve caved in before. So they are going to cry. They are going to try and be sweet and cute. They are going to scream. They are going to push your buttons in everyway possible, because now in addition to getting the ice cream they want, they are also locked in a power struggle with you.

    The same goes with your ex-girlfriend. She is going to push all your buttons and do everything in her power to get your attention. Think of it like this Family Guy episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNkp4QF3we8 . You have to hold your boundary, because she’s trying to get her way. Take a break from social media. Create all new accounts again. Don’t talk to mutual friends about her, don’t reopen contact. She will eventually move on. If she does manage to get ahold of you, act like you are SO over her. Don’t be mad, or glad, or anything. Don’t make her this mountain in your life, visualize her to be nothing more than a pebble in your shoe. She’s annoying. Pesky. That’s it. Once she knows that you really don’t care, and that she can’t get a reaction, she’ll move on. I also highly recommend you get out there and start meeting new people (meetup.com is a great way to do this), and work on building a fun life so that you don’t spend your energy thinking about her. …I also recommend you make a list called, “For when I miss her” and write all the big dirtbag things she’s done to you–then reread that list when you are tempted to reopen contact with her. (((hugs))) to you. <3

  7. Hi Dana,

    I have transformed my life totally after being numb or sleeping for 40 years..Had takers surrounded all around me…I am a giver who always took care of everybody’s feelings…didn’t know whether I had any feelings too, have been conditioned to take care of others..I was a codependent, but it’s hard for me to believe that there are takers everywhere, I am like it’s me who is crazy or all the world is 🙂 I do have couple of nice friends..

  8. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!! Your videos on you tube may have saved my life. I was dealing with a narcissist for four months and if I would have seen your videos sooner I could have saved a lot of wasted time. He was a liar, cheater and also got physically abusive to me and my dog. Upon meeting him, he came across as my dream come true, giving money,flowers,wanting to spend a lot of time, laying the kindness on very thick. Then Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde. He would call me all kind of negative names , physically abuse me and want to be in control of what I wear, where I go and who I talked to. Every thing I would tell him he would turn around and use it against me or twist what I said. I could go on an on about this SICK individual but I THANK GOD I ended it. Thank you again for your information, because I thought it was me, because I didn’t know about Sinister people who are Narcissist. You videos have helped me heal and move on.

  9. Hi Monique,

    I’m so glad that you were able to get the clarity and validation you were needing that this person is toxic. I wish you all the best, and I’m thrilled that you are now free. <3

  10. It sounds like you’ve developed a lot of insight into your co-dependency as well as what is driving it. …There are lots of rotten people out there, but there are also lots of good people too. Surround yourself with the good ones, and you will have a lot more peace and joy in your life. (((hugs))) to you.

  11. I need info for a person who knows and can testify in court about narcissistic people to help me and my little children. Please tell me who can do this…any ideas??? His Psyc. eval. says that he is a negative narcissist. Please respond asap, because I do not have much time. Thank you.

  12. Hi Dana!
    I am thankful for your authencity! You have poured your self into this project / mission! Well done!!! I have watched your videos over the past two days. Yes, all of them! I am currently fighting the battle of my life trying to recover my children from their narcissistic father and my husband of 20 years. The Grand Finale landed me in the hospital, in jail, and now homeless under a restraining order. It’s been almost 4 months of living out of my car, begging for legal representation, money for food and fuel, and practicing gratitude to stay sane and strong for my children. I am thankful for every amazing gift that comes my way. Your video series is one of those gifts!!! I spend every day at Starbucks for wifi preparing to go to trial to defend as my criminal attorney claims is “crazy, you don’t expect anyone to believe this do you?” Why no, I don’t! But it’s all I’ve got! And it’s pitifully true (sigh). You have drained yourself over these past few days. Rest, refuel, rejuvenate! Reconnect with your peace. Then… carry on! Thank you for what you have done. It is enough for now 🙂

  13. Hi Dana,
    I was in a narcissistic relationship for six years before i left and was still in the relationship on and off after the breakup for many many years. It started when i was 16 and he was 17. He behaved like a 30 year old man even at that time. Very smart, very intelligent and always 6 steps ahead. He ruined my life. I am 28 now and can’t believe I only recently realised that he was a narcissist after just casually reading a blog on facebook which led to all the research and your videos on youtube. I cane out of the relationship broken hearted and lost confidence more than anything. I have cried myself to sleep innumerable times for years and years. I believe i’m still recovering even though it has been years since the relationship. I still cannot believe that it happened to me. I am from Pakistan. Psychological diseases are not addresses back there as they are in developed nations and people have less knowledge and understanding of them. I managed to remain sane and pulled myself out of it and struggled with studies and work. I slowly regained confidence but i am not completely healed. For example if i am doing a presentation i’ll give it my best shot and deliver beautifully but i still look forward to people for support and appreciation and approvals of wether it really was good or not. I doubt myself. I feel like crying right now while writing to you. I wish i could speak to you personally. Thank you for supporting people like me and for all the knowledge you shared.
    Kind regards.

  14. I met her @ church, 3 years ago. Through all the days of scathing comments, insults, I have to remember inside is a person with personal issues. That I fell in love with the person she really is. This scared, sometimes angry persona is her, in turmoil. It is my duty, to calm here, pick the pieces up when nwcessary. I have my personal relationship with my Lord, no one can change, nor shake this foundation and I cannot give this prosperity to her, but teach it with compassion. There have been times of violence, but have never struck back. I am in this for the long haul, cherish the good times. To those of you, living with this type person. It will be up to you if it is not okay. If you are not grounded in your life, cannot remember the reason your together… or if the violence gets too bad. You have found yourself wanting, or you would not be here, it is a daily struggle weighing the balances of it, I know. Just remember, you teach by your actions, be pro-active and show kindness and love. For some reason these are traits taken as strength so be ready for reprocussions. It is not an easy road to be the “strong” one in a relationship, but by doing so, maybe this other will reveal some of the fears that fuel these actions. Just do not stay, if your life is ever in danger. God bless those who walk with heavy burdens…. Peace to you.

  15. I’m so glad the info here gave you the clarity and closure you needed. …Now I feel like crying while I’m writing to you, as I so know the feeling of believing you are alone in the confusion of your experiences with this person, and the overwhelming relief when you find others that have gone through something similar. And you are SO not alone. <3 I sincerely wish you all the health and healing possible, and am glad that you were able to get away from him. (((hugs)))

  16. I am always torn when I receive comments like these, as I believe there is a big difference between a healthy committment to someone and a destructive level of co-dependency.

    Regardless of our difference of our viewpoints, I greatly admire your level of compassion.

    And like you said, whether we stay or go is a line that each of us will have to navigate on our own. thank you for sharing, and (((hugs))) to you.

  17. I wish you all the best with your upcoming trial. Please keep us posted. And yes, unless a person goes through something like this, it really does seem like a Lifetime TV Movie! I am glad you are out of that situation, and I sincerely wish you all the hope, health, and healing possible. <3

    ...And I wish I could slow down and take a break from being here, but since I've started this site and YouTube channel, it's like this fire was lit inside of me, and now I strongly believe that helping others understand and get through this abuse is my calling in life. I did take about half an hour yesterday to go out to my neighborhood lake and feed the fish. 🙂

  18. Hi there,

    I would think that any psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist that focuses on abuse would be a good place to start. You might start off by calling the person who did the Psych. eval and see if they would testify, since they have met with him and gave him the diagnosis of a Narcissist. If they can’t or won’t, I’d think that they could refer you to someone who would be able to do this. You might also want to call your local domestic violence shelter and see if they have any recomendations as they often know of professionals who would be skilled to do this. I sincerely wish you all the best with your trial. Stay safe, and please keep me posted. (((hugs)))

    I hope that helps. Please keep me posted. (((hugs)))

  19. Dear Dana,
    That is an awesome effort kudos to you!
    I have had to deal with narcissists myself and so I can totally relate to there devilishness.
    it’s so sad and ironical that most ppl misunderstand narcissism inspite of so many of them roaming the earth.
    Can u advice on the kind of questions we need to ask wen we start meeting and dating guys and what to watch out for ?is there like a sure shot question or attribute that shows there NPD ?

  20. It seems like a private investigation service could be extremely useful in vetting dating partners. You can get criminal and civil records including divorces and financial issues, verify college education claims and obtain credit scores. There are numerous online PI service websites as well. Do you know of any that are especially good? We both know prevention is better than control and paying a little money for investigative services to keep narcs out of your life seems like a bargain!

  21. Hi!
    On your YouTube video about narcissists being obsessed with having a high status you wanted to know other experiences regarding that red flag. Most of the status seeking habits you mentioned were oriented around money or appearing to have money (having fancy watches, cars, ect). The narcissist in my life was also VERY obsessed over status but it was in different ways. I would guess based on your definitions that he was an overt and somatic narcissist. He was obsessed with his body image and needed to present himself externally as being “a man” (which is hilarious considering hes actually just a child on steroids). He would lift weights 3+ hours every day, used roids, and absolutely everything he did was to portray that he was “cool” and “masculine.” We were both in our early 20s when we dated and I think at this age it isnt expected that you have a well paying job and lots of money, so his status came from a different superficial aspect. Granted, he would lie about what phD he was currently going for but his main false image was to project masculinity.
    You also mention in your other videos that many narcissists are financially parasitic. With this guy, he absolutely REFUSED to let me pay for anything. I mean for more than just dates. We would lift together and he would buy my supplements and protein. He would buy my groceries. He even offered to buy me “lady roids.” It really threw me off. Looking back though this actually fits perfectly into his particular image he wanted to have. It was a blow to his ego to have his lady pay for any dates because “hes a man!” (He said that often, I actually shudder in shame as I type this that I dated him). In addition, just like the guy you were with seeing you as a “high status prize” because your ex had a nice car, I think he bought all my supplements and groceries because he wanted a “prize” associated with him that is superficially very attracted or built. Just wanted a share. Maybe younger narcissits are more prone to seek status in other superficial means because most people would know any claim to have lots of money or a high status job at 21 would be a blatant lie (or they would know mommy and daddy pay for everything).

  22. Hi Ray,

    You bring up a great point. I don’t know of a good online PI service, but I think in this day and age it’s a good idea for people to use one. …It’s kinda like getting a carfax done, but for people. Personally, I’ve wished that there was some sort of service like Yelp.com but for people, so others could be warned. …The reality is that wouldn’t work for several reasons, but there’s got to be more we can do to protect ourselves and others.

  23. Hi Aparna,

    I don’t think there’s one sure shot way of determining whether a person is manipulative, destructive, and/or dangerous. I wish there was. I’ve heard some people say that most Narcissists will tell you that they are one if you ask them, but I don’t think they really know what a Narcissist is. My guess is that they are using the definition the rest of the world uses, and that is that a Narcissist is a person who thinks they are really awesome, and as we all know, it’s so much more than that.

    Because Narcissists are so manipulative, you can’t trust a thing they say–ever. So you have to go slow enough during those first few weeks in order to see what red flags are surfacing (and we all have some), and then dig for more info to get the clarity you need to make a good decision about if you are going to keep them in your life.

    You will come across Narcs throughout your life. They are out there. I’m not saying this to make you paranoid, but to make you careful. they can come in the shape of a boyfriend, a friend, a boss, a neighbor, a family member, you name it.

    The best way to limit the damage they do is to know the red flags, go slow enough to see what red flags surface, get more info, have healthy standards for behavior that you expect from a partner, and solid boundaries so that if they don’t meet your standards you quickly either limit contact or cut them out of your life. That’s all any of us can do. <3

  24. Hi Lydia,

    You bring up lots of great points! I also wanted to chime in and say that both of my Narcs paid for everything, and were complete gentlemen until we began living together, and then slowly I found myself paying for more and more things. They’d forget their wallet, etc. (before we combined accounts). Also, I didn’t really notice how much I was paying for things, as we had combined bank accounts, and so I viewed it as our money, so if they wanted to do things, it came out of the joint account. They also really wanted to come across as perfect gentlemen in public, and would invite me out for dinner, pay for it with our joint card, and then act like they’d really paid for it–when in reality is was me who did.

    …I do think younger Narcs–especially ones who are concerned about appearances, do whatever they can to give the illusion of wealth and status as much and as often as they can. …But keep in mind too, that we all have some red flags. A person can be really vain and self-centered, but that doesn’t make them a Narc, it just makes them a douchebag lol. When I say “Narc” I’m looking more for the grandiosity combined with lack of empathy, lack of remorse, and manipulative personality. Those traits are what a person really needs to watch out for. 🙂

  25. You don’t give me a lot of info to go off of, but I would say that as I general rule of thumb, it’s a good idea to err on the side of caution with these things. So with that said, I’d keep as much of your private life as private, as you can. The less information a manipulative, destructive and/or potenially dangerous person has on you the better.

  26. Any tips to help forget a girl who seemed perfect but denied things I heard about her and broke all the trust I thought we had. Then said I caused the break up
    Thanks

  27. Hi Dana, I just finished a marathon listening of the 35 videos on NPD.
    I was trying to load / find your Web page in Facebook, but it wouldn’t load.
    I need to ask you about my experience where I was with such a person, my wife, for 25 yesrs before i realized what was going on and wanted your opinion on it. I didn’t want to clog this area up with a rather long tome however and much of it is very personal.

  28. Hi there,

    Due to members wanting added privacy, I made the Facebook group “secret”. I didn’t realize that by doing this, that all the links to the group would no longer work. I’m in the process of going through and removing all the old links. I recently added a forum here on this website, and this is designed so that members can get a wide variety of support and feedback from each other around the clock. I am also on there as much as my time allows (generally everyday for at least an hour). The forum is: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum or you can email me directly at dana@NarcissistSupport.com and I will do my best to help support you in whatever way I can.

  29. I would focus on getting your brain to see her (and her behavior) for what she is, and not who you thought she was–or hoped she would be. I encourage people to make a list called, “For When You Miss Her” and in that list, writing out all the rotten things she did. When you miss her, pick up the list and read it. Once your brain starts making the shift to what her behavior is really like, and that not only was she not perfect, she was in fact toxic, then I think you will find it easier to move on. I would also encourage you to tell yourself everytime you think of her, “You dodged a bullet with that one. Thank God you found out when you did.” Keep repeating this until you fully believe the truth of the statement. I hope that helps. <3

  30. I am currently in a situation with a narcissist. I have been on no contact for four days. Today suddenly I get text messages from him. I haveblocked his number and deactivated my fb page. He was the nicest guy in the start of it but soon the mask came off. The attention he would give me would dwindle slowly and we would go days without talking. In the start, we would talk all day everyday. But i noticed when we started having sex he slowly backed off lil by lil. When i would question him i would get the silent treatment. When i would rebel against him i would get the silent treatment. Anything he felt he couldnt control he gave me the silent treatment. I found out about multiple women through facebook he was seeing. Mosr of them were very financially stable. He puts things on fb for sympathy so he can gain attention and potential supply. The only thing i regret is having unprotected sex with him in which he sexually dominated me into doing so. I am glad that I never gave him any moneyin which h begged for and tried to manipulate me into doing so but i stood my ground. It is so hard because I miss him but i know he is no good for me. I have done no contact and broke it i hope this time i wont.

  31. When a manipulative, destructive and/or person reopens contact with someone it’s called, “hoovering”: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/narcissists-hoovering-techniques/

    I would encourage you to make a list called, “for when you miss him.” On this list, write down every painful thing you found out he was up to. When you have these moments of random contact by him, or moments that trigger some sort of nostalgic moments for you, go back and reread this list so you can “sober up” and see him for the manipualtive mooch he really is.

  32. Hi Dana. Thank you for your videos. They are great. Finally,after 2 years since I encountered this narcissist mal,I have all my answeres to all my questions, and it make a very big difference. That guy was simillar with Steve,so I experienced all what you experienced. When I’ve listened to your story,I’ve seen mine. I had a very hard time,looking back I can’t believe I was able to move on. I was ill,I was brain washed,manipulated and controled by him. He used to text me,in the morning,over the day,to the bed time and over the night. He used to call me to. He didn’t work week ends,so he asked me to take my days off over the week end,and all the time he took me away for week ends off,so I’ve never been with my daughter when I was off,because I wasn’t at home and when I was,I was to work. He follow step by step my profile from the Dating site,my likes and my dislikes to create that persona for me. He even text me ” I love you and I missing you so much”,in my maternal language, using Google Translate.

  33. I am so glad you are getting the answers you needed so that you can move forward and get the healing you so deserve. <3

  34. I feel completely lost.

    I have just come out of an 18 month affair with a married man. Something I have never thought I’d condone never mind participate in. Of course he told me from the beginning how he was so unhappy and had a place he was setting up to leave. I had just lost my father and my grandmother in quick succession and gone through a bitter break up with the father of my children.
    He seemed amazing at first, only for a few weeks…paying me so many compliments and telling me he had waited his whole life to meet someone like me. He knew I’d had an abusuve childhood and that my former partner was very cold and unloving towards me and he offered me everything that was lacking from past experiences. The reasons then started….she was ill, she has MS. His son needed him; he has social problems. He said his wife would make his life a living hell but it would take him a little longer to leave. He started accusing me if cheating, asked me to stop seeing friends and lie to my family frequently. He told me he wanted to leave his wife a nest egg and that he had a massive windfall coming and that he earned over £100,000 per year and that he’d let her keep their mortgage free home because he was such an amazing man. He would often call me at work where I was under pressure in a job that needed my full attention, he would text and call me all day until one day I found out he’d been seeing another woman other than his wife too. He lied and went crazy at ke when I confronted him and then when he couldn’t deny it he started saying that he would end his life if I left him because he’d emotionally detached himself from his wife and child in preparation to be with me. It all felt so wrong and he stated seeing me less and contacting me less but blamed it on me.
    Then came the requests for money. He told me he had gotten into trouble with money an knew I had a money from my house sale. The emotional manipulation was so horrendous I became depressed and suicudal with his constant pleas for the cash. He said people were going to kill him, kidnap his wife and child…cut off his dogs head if he didn’t pay them £7500. He said he could easily repay it within a few months and he drove me to a bank and came in while I lifted it.
    The pressure of doing that quickly made me so upset because as soon as he had it he went cold. I made him tell his wife about me and he told me that we were over. But he couldn’t quite end it there because I still had more money and he knew I’d do anything for him. He cleared me out financially and emotionally and I’m now nothing. I lost my career because if how depressed I became. I lost all self worth because I lost friends, family and all sense of identity. Yet I still craved this man and all the lies. Recently he started asking me to try and get more money from my sister to give him and that if I did that he could actually leave. I hate myself so much for what ive done to my children and family and friends.
    I’ve found out that he’s lied to so many people and he just denies it all. He’s told his wife that I’m a crazy stalker who wouldnt leave him alone and he still owes me £8400. He has made me feel like I am completely in the wrong over everything and I don’t know how to cope. I haven’t been in contact with him now for a few days and I’m struggling. I know this will kill me if I don’t stick to the no contact now. No amount of money is worth the toxic nature of this relationship. Why do I feel like I miss him? Why do I waken up crying in the middle if the night? Why can’t I eat properly with the sick feeling in the put of my stomach? Why is my chest sore? I feel like I’m gone already sometimes.

  35. I watching your videos on YouTube your video really resonated with me that’s why I’m contacting you . I think my husband might be one. I have allowed myself to be separate from all my contacts with family and friends and I have lost my whole support team. Very upset and not proud have allowed myself to get this way. And I found I haven’t difficult time talking expressing my feelings towards this minor issue also I am having a difficult time revitalizing relationship with new and old people other words making friends. I just moved with my husband a year ago to Texas , i’m hoping you can refer me to a specialist for narcissist abuse I now I need a therapist or something my stress is so not healthy! I’m having a difficult time and it would help if I could talk to someone with understands my situation. I’m strong and powerful minded and trying to Survive and look forward to a empowering positive future and plan to strive from this outcome. I guess , I am hoping as you might have a reference for somebody in my Area that I could talk to . And yes I am a real person! I love my husband and really want to hope for a good outcome but support is well needed

    Thank you, I look forward to your reply and thank you for your time I understand you’re very busy.

    Jennifer

  36. I recently (50 hours ago) left my partner of 8 years after a night of particularly violent physical abuse. That night i called a hotline trying to figure out what just happened and why. This is where i learned the term gaslighting. I was shocked to discover he had been doing this to me for at least 6 years. Im trying to find information to validate me leaving because right now i feel ive made a terrible mistake. I guess that night was the grand finale he didnt plan as we were about to move across the country far away from any family i have ( ive turned into a loner due to the gaslighting so i have no friends). So that night within an hour of having this new info i had to make the gut wrenching decision to leave. Or otherwise be possibly subjected to this abuse with absolutely no escape. I guess i would classify him as a borderline covert cerebral narcissist. Ive caught him lying only once or twice in our entire relationship and i know you say that is very important for narcsts. He would point out almost on a daily basis that i didn’t do something right or at all or say im lazy or fat or other things to that nature. He would also hold out sex from me for weeks on end saying hes just not in the mood. When we would go to bars we would get drunk and he would find something to make me upset and me being drunk would get carried away with the argument eventually lashing out at him physically or emotionaly. He never let me live down any of these incidents. He would use them as ammunition later to put me down as another form of gaslightling. I still feel so crazy and that im overreacting. Compare my image now to 8 years ago…. god its bad. I also “use” to (agian 50 hours ago) self medicate with Marijuana to help my pain and suffering. It helped my forget some of the nasty things about him. He is a night nurse so would sleep during the day and i would cherrish those times because i knew i was safe from his barrage of comments. Everything was always my fault and i always felt…..feel so worthless. The best part of this crazyness is when he would wake up. I would have to stop my mini vaction away in my own space and have to start cleaning otherwise i haven’t done anything constructive all day. Even if i had worked all day. He demanded me having a full time job even though i make less than a tenth of what he makes and pool the money into a shared account for bills. I wanted to focus on school but that was never allowed. I did take a part time semester while having a part time job and i expected him to congratulate me and be happy for me. He was not. Yelling ensued because i wasnt enduring the hardships he was forced to face during his college years. (Btw i paid for a roof over his head the last 2 years of his schooling…no gaslighting then surprise surprise ). He likes to dress nice and look nice but its not over the top. He was an impulse buyer. I just need to know that ive done the right thing. I followed my gut. But now im doubting myself. The worst part about this is he doesn’t even seem angry or sad. Hes being very respectful of my wishes for dividing the household too which makes me doubt further. That night i walked back in at one point and he was sitting in the kitchen with one of his many guns next to him for some unknown reason. He also said he would frame me as an abuser and mark/bruise himself if i were to ever try to “f” him. That was scary. That was the tipping point. So am i right? Or am i just picking out everything that just so happened to be bad about our relationship? How should i proceed? Ive wasted a decade of my life now and im exactly where i was when i was 18. Now im just heavier and tired. Ive lost everything

  37. I need a therapist ! or support group! Looking support that’s not on line but person to person in person. I’m in San Antonio Texas can you recommend a group that I can go too. And if I’m looking for a therapist Is there a Pacific name of doctor for the specialist I noticed there’s lots of therapist but some have narcissistic traits. I need one that’s not but understand .
    Thank you

  38. Hi Dayna,

    I’ve spent the day watching your videos today.. I’m taking comfort in them and I take comfort in knowing that you’ve been through it twice!
    I do whatever it takes to keep me sane right now and your videos are really helping with that..
    I just wanted to say thank you.. And stay strong..

    Janet

  39. Hnads down you made the right decision to leave. Abuse of anykind is never okay, and people that get into physical abuse are often the most dangerous kind. That he displayed his guns on the table, and told you that he would frame you as an abuser is behavior and words that you need to take seriously. Please get far away from this man. If you have a domestic violence shelter in your area, I highly recommend you talk to them and see what resources they can help you with.

    …You haven’t wasted a decade of your life. You learned many lessons in that decade. Twenty-eight is still young, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it. I would also encourage you to not view your situation in that you’ve lost everything. The reality is that you can’t ever have anything stable when you are in a relationship with a person who is abusive and/or toxic, as abusive people believe everything is all about them (and all for them).

    I would also encourage you to get involved with the support group: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum if you would like some additional support on a regular basis.

    (((hugs))) to you. Life can and does go on after relationships like this. It’s not always easy to move on, but it’s worth it. <3

  40. Hi Jennifer,

    I don’t have a referral network as of yet, but I would suggest if you have insurance that you call a couple of therapists who would be covered by your insurance, and ask them if they have experience with manipulative people/emotional abuse/Narcissistic abuse. I’d ask them a little about their approach before you schedule an appointment with them so you can see if you feel like you would click with them and their approach.
    Domestic violence centers also generally have a good pool of therapists/resources, so you might want to call a few in your local area and see if they can make some referrals.
    I have a support group here that you might benefit from in the meantime/or in addition to therapy: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  41. First off… (((hugs))). …I was in a situation very similar to yours, so boy can I relate.

    Please take a moment right now and just take a few deep breaths…and exhale. …And inhale…and exhale.

    You are not alone in this. And you can heal from this. I just want you to know that. You really can. <3

    All of the feelings that you are describing are totally normal for people who are in these types of relationships. You were vulnerable, and he exploited that. ...You don't miss him. You miss the person that you thought he was. You miss the warm, fuzzy, loving, attentive person–but that person doesn’t really exist. That fantasy is hard to let go of, because it felt so good at the time.

    However, that man he pretended to be was just a creation of his in order to use you. The waking up in the middle of the night crying, and not being able to eat and having a sore chest are all signs of anxiety, stress, and depression…and very normal given what you’ve been through. It’s very traumatic to be caught up in a whirlwind romance that quickly spins into such a manipulation to where you find yourself doing a bunch of things you wouldn’t normally do. …You are so not alone in this. Every victim of these kinds of people that I’ve ever met (myself included) have found themselves doing things they would never normally do, and then having really extreme feelings that they never normally have.
    I would strongly recommend that you consider seeing a therapist in your area (perhaps start by calling a domestic violence shelter and see who they can recommend, as emotional, psychological, and financial abuse is abuse) and see if you can start seeing someone on a regular basis. They normally have low to no cost therapy services.
    I also have a support group here that can help give you extra support for when you need it: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  42. My second covert Narc’s favority movie was “Cash” (the Johnny Cash story). He had me watch it with him one day and kept talking about what a great love story it was. My response was, “Umm…that movie is all kinds of f’d up. I’m not looking to be in a relationship with a man who cheats on me and who has ongoing issues with addictions and alcohol.” …Turns out this was exactly what his issues were, and exactly what he wanted me to do. I’m glad I got out when I did. Ugh.

  43. I have a support group here: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    Yes, finding a good therapist who is skilled (not just familiar with) all forms of abuse can be really hard–but the good ones are worth their weight in gold. I’d recommend calling a few in your area and asking them if they can tell you if they are familiar with helping clients that have been in abusive relationships, and if so, what their approach normally is.

  44. I am forever grateful for this site and I have viewed so many of your youtube videos which have given me a sense of peace. After four years of being with my fiancee I ended up having PTSD and sexually induced trauma. I ended up with STD’S as well. Of course, it’s all my fault because I was so angry. Eight months after he threw me out of his house like a piece of garbage and of course being very late at night(again) I never went back. This is where his revenge started. Smear campaign begins. He started with my friends, my cousin, his sister, (who won’t talk to me anymore) his other sister barely talks to me and now our mutual couple friends. I realize I am powerless over what he says to others and I am powerless over what others believe but I feel like this will never end. I am HURT and I am tired of being his target of abuse. Any suggestions of how this can stop and he can just go away and leave me alone?

  45. Thanks for your support, Dana.
    Im learning alot already…
    Im reluctant to join on facebook support because Im not sure.. Can your friends
    (and family) see which groups you interact with? This is way too personal of a subject for “friends”to wonder and quiz me about!

  46. Ugh. Wow. I am so sorry you went through all this, and are still going thru it, (((big hugs))) to you.

    I am so glad you didn’t marry this man, you REALLY dodged a bullet by getting him out of your life. Is he doing anything else to bother you (stalking, calling you at work, etc.), or is his behavior more focused on a smear campaign?

    If we are talking about him saying things to others, then he will continue to cause you pain and suffering if you continue to show some sort of reaction about his behavior. Your best bet is to stop talking to anyone associated with him. Block them all on Facebook, and set up their emails to go directly to spam. If othes ask you about it, just roll your eyes and act like his behavior is annoying and pathetic, and no big deal. Tell them that you have moved on, and don’t want to talk about any of that negativity or nonsense.

  47. Hello, I am separated from my husband who I believe is a narcissist . The funny thing is I always thought he had some kind of disorder but never knew what it was until I came across the narcissist support group Facebook page and everything so far in the red flag videos describe my husband to a T . See my husband is from Turkey and I would always try to make excuses like well he’s from a different culture , all that , but I now believe that he married me just so he could obtain a green card and all the lying and the signs were there I just didn’t see them bc I wanted to believe the best in him and the problem still being is that I love him . But I on the other hand realize this relationship is toxic and he of course thinks he’s done nothing wrong it’s all my fault everything is , he was on a dating website bc he says I was a bad wife

  48. Can someone help me with this…I need an outside perspective very badly…I can’t list everything there but these are the highlights. I need some objectivity….

    I don’t know what to do…mine would always have the last word and leave…never knowing when he’s come back…he moved up to WY without a conversation but screamed at me he was going…half our relationship was long distance. He was so kind and so present in the beginning and in intervals that those are my best memories in life….the last one after almost 10 years he broke up with me via text when I said I didn’t want to speak he said “I never want to talk to you again!!” as a response… I truly thought te entire thing was my fault I am not perfect and got drunk a few times through our relationship and I guess I exploded at him…. I was very suicidal….decided to quite drinking all together…

    I called him to leave a message after some months and he said very coldly,”Introspections a nightmare, isn’t it??! and don’t call me again I don’t want to have to change my number…”

    Later I had a very be feeling about him…like something terrible was going to happen so I contacted mutual friends to make sure he was okay….but the feeling didn’t go away so I texted him and told him I’m sorry for the contact but I had a terrible feeling and to ease not do anyhing…he responded with “I’m Fine!” …and then 6 photos of him with people I didn’t know having fun and the last one a meme saying,”I relax by walking through the forrest, it shouldn’t matter I’m dragging a dead body behind me…” He then said “Sorry! My computer accidently dumped those photos…” Then reems of physics….(he is pretty good with that stuff). This did not make me feel like he was okay! Also, how hard is it to accidently send photos via computer to text my phone…then the physics?! I assumed the physics was his work until a friend who’s a professor at UC Davis pointed out to me the physics actually came from a thread and where 3 different peoples works strung together and out of order….

    Months later in December he starts texting me “You hurt me more than I can ever put into words but I’m still in love with you but you knew that..” “I’ll always be in love with you” and pics of his life…cutsey talk, jokes, ect….

    I tried calling him once when he was texting and he said,”I’m indisposed at the moment” but kept texting…..New Years Eve I send pics of a special place we ha been to once where you can see the whole city (remember he’s out of state)….he texted “love the photos ;-)” and didn’t reply to me again at all….weeks went by and I became distraught…I was still in love with him and I felt bad for my mistakes….a mutual friend in TN old me after I told her my confusion,”He’s moved on…”

    I flipped out and texted him “I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission!!!”

    He then of course answered and said all he meant by that was he was happy I was moving in because he was too and he literally said FUCK YOU for using semantics (about interpreting the I’m in love with yous the way I had…) it broke my heart…he said I carpet bombed him with messages when I was pouring my heart out to him because I was so happy he was still in love with me…he told me it’s never going to fuckimg happen and that he was dating a friend who was “quite nice..”

    I had a mental breakdown and got sent to a crisis center 3 weeks later after admitting to my psychologist I was suicidal…

    I tried calling him one more time and he hung up….but then started video chatting me….I know I’m an idiot but we spoke about getting back together….I said profusely my sorries and he would say,”I know I fucked up but you!!!” So I took it…I thought after what I put him through he deserves to get it out. He told me he was coming down to see me and how he always thought we’d end up back together like a few of his fiends… Then he would scream he should have dropped me after 6 months only to apologize the next day….he told me I am the only one who he can talk to..who can keep up with him but, that he finally realized he was smarter than most people….that was a huge wtf moment….and so it went on like this until the text in December kept haunting me, twisting his I’m in love with yous around and saying fuck you for using semantics (Oooo and e told me he wasn’t seeing the girl anymore, she was younger and usin him…he also cracked a joke with me saying he would use that next he went picking up chicks only to later say sorry for it and that it was only a joke..) anyway I wanted to talk about that and he told me “You never let me speak!!!!” Even though I had told him if he needed to talk to me just let me know and that time would be set aside for him… So I told him that the stage was all his, maybe what I was feeling was coming from him…the next month was nothing but guilt trips (after talking for 4 months) and how he couldn’t handle the anxiety of thinking about it…all before he was supposed to be down to see me. (Also one more thing, I admitted to him that I had made out with 2 fiends of mine when I was drunk…so I’m not all good) So he screamed at me or would use underlying words to dig at me…was very vague stating he was like a beaten dog who just wanted approval and I several more than several time asked him to go through the shared experiences and what they were so I could understand how he felt in relation to what happened but he never told me what incidences made him feel that way…..and then after at the beginning him saying he always thought we would end up like so and so he texts me,”This was an exceptionally bad idea, I’m done! I’m off to marry Ben and Alesha!!!”

    That wtf moment was thunderous….he must have been trying to rub it in my face….why would I care go he was going to marry (he’s certified to marry people)…and the fact he was saying “I’m done with you but these two people are getting married through me!”

    It broke my heart some more…I had been with this person since I was 23 and he said he would be here by my birthday and I just turned 34….

    It feels like all joy in life has been gone… I also lost my mind and called him dozens of times begging for closure….he just told me it was all shit…

    Why did he come back then?!!! I’m not even sure what to do….

    I don’t know how to pick up the pieces again…he was the love of my life…

    Is this me?!! I don’t know….

    and the thin is is he’s fine…and I look like a total psycho…I’ve admitted my wrongs…and I feel like it feeds it…feeds him…because “He’s not a saint, but….” Or him hitting walls early on he told me,”I know I’ve done wrong but I’m not the type of person to hit walls..” He told me he did not do that in any other relationship….. Or him pushing me down when I was concerned because he seemed distant…before I could finish my sentence I was on the floor…he thought I had insulted him about sex…then later said I got in his way….(which I have before when things became crazy as all get out….wtf??!)

    He swears I got in his way but initially he was crying he was sorry…..

    I’m not great either, like I said I had felt guilty for getting drunk and going off on him a few times….shit I don’t even remember saying…things these last 5 months I kept repeating I’m sorry….and I kept getting how shitty of a person I am..he told me I said that to him….that he was shitty but unless it was during tho drunk whatever’s I always felt like sunshine next to him….and hadn’t said anything of the sort…which he claims I did….

    I don’t fuckimg know….but I need help. I feel so mindfucked and discarded…

    After this last communication ..I have no energy at all…I force myself and feel so distant most times from the world…I feel to broken to be around anybody…If he rejected me and knew all of me…the only real person to…what else…Am I crazy?’ Is this crazy?? I need help…

    This isn’t even the most part of it….he had lied about coming back for me after the WY move for me to only find out he was doing heroin with a friend of mine (he was in a lot of pain from a psych med build up in his brain) I had to collect the clues to confront him and told him if he didn’t tell his parents that I would….he disappeared for 3 months after…without a single reply to texts and phone calls….when he contacted me again he was clean and I went right back to him….but no deep talk and no explaination..except he went on a bender (he was not a drinker or user at all for years in our relationship..) he told me I’m a ducking hypocrite for judging him on that…that I had drank… When he stepped into my life I had just gotten off drugs myself and used drinking as a bs coping method after….I later cut way down to days I went out with friends…..but later as the distance and years and promises we were going to so this together, he had started up his own shop his parents bought him in WY….after years of hanging on I started drinking wine at night almost every night towards the end…. I just went to school and holed up in my apartment….I’m not proud of that….didn’t talk to him when I was drinking but I realized when things for really bad icut myself out from the world that way….

    Anyway…I’m not all sunshine and lollipops but I don’t understand the lying and secrecy and making promises, future faking….Oooo yes, and when he started video chatting after my breakdown he told me,”You can only keep promises others let you keep..”……told me about my cycle which I took to heart all after the 3 weeks in December of I’m in love with yous…..

    I need help…what is this?? I feel like he came back to wipe his new life in my face..

    One last note he (all of his ex’s are crazy and the one who left him because she didn’t understand him for him, or his issues) he recently remembered the “one who left him because she didn’t understand him” commited suicide…..he told me this in confidence…and as a barb he finished with saying very coldly,”now you know why I feel the way I do about suicide…..” No compassion in his voice….nothing just steel. I think he used that to draw me in to feel sorry for him, it’s weird he would just remember but if his cover memory was “she didn’t understand him,” and also that he knew I felt like that before it was almost a barb towards myself. After him saying our relationship and arguments where out of control I shouldn’t have asked but he curtly said that they never argued like that and only had “normal couple fights…” Which made me feel like shite…after almost 10 years with this person…..Right before our actual breakup he would do the jekkl and hide thing where one day he just wanted to hear my voice and three days later would reem me out…well my grandfather who he knew passed right after a “I just want to hear your voice..” So I texted him I had something to tell him….when he did call he reemed me again..I said “Wait! Hold on, grandpa just died..” He told me I used his death to shut him up…..
    I don’t know what to do…I don’t know which way is up….Is this all crazy?! I need a straight shooter out there.

    (Sorry forgot to press the notify me button, this the duplicate comment)

  49. Question: I am married to a narcissist and have two children with him. I’ve chosen to stay with him to protect my kids. I’m fearful that he will hurt them emotionally too much if he is alone with them. In other words if we divorce and it’s time for his visitation then I won’t be there to help the kids through his criticism. If I stay with him, I am more able to help them immediately. My question is; how do I raise emotionally healthy kids while living with my narcissist husband. By the way, I’m planning on leaving him after the kids graduate from high school.

  50. I would strongly encourage you to join the support group if you haven’t already: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    This man sounds incredibly manipulative–no wonder you are so confused about everything! I think anyone would be if they were in that situation. I would strongly encourage you to cut off all communication with him, and block him across the board (Facebook, email, cell phone, etc.) He will most likely still try to reopen communication. This is called “hoovering”. Please do not fall for it. These relationships can really be crazy making, but it is possible to go on and heal and move forward. …I hope to see you in the support group. <3

  51. I can understand your reasons for wanting to stay. …Does he know that you want a divorce? If so, would he be willing to trade you full custody for not paying anything for child support? Could you get supervised visitation for him if you did divorce? …I would start keeping a paper trail of everything, including recording how he is acting. It may or may not be legal in your state, but consider doing it anyhow just in case it is admissable in court. You may want to also contact your local domestic violence center and talk to them about custody and legal, and see if they can refer you to someone so you can get more clarity as to what you would be looking at if you were to divorce.

    I would encourage you to try and spend as much time with your kids away from your husband. During this time, try to use his behavior as a teachable moment as to how not to treat others…and why.

    Please do what you can as well to keep yourself as sane and safe as possible.

    If you haven’t already joined the support group, I would encourage you to do so: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum and we will do our best to give you the feedback and support you need during all this. <3

  52. I would encourage you to reframe your feelings for him, as they are misplaced–and as long as they are misplaced, you will be confused and suffer unnecessary pain. <3

    I would encourage you to reframe your feelings of love to that of, you are in love with the man that you thought he was, or the man that you thought he could be. ...You do not love the man that "is". The man that "is" is a liar, cheater, and is exploiting you and your emotions in order to manipulate you. You don't love that man, you love the man that you hoped "was" or "could be". There is a big difference there.

    His behavior is not your fault. This is a very common manipulation technique for emotionally abusive people. It's the whole, "look at what you made me do". Then their partner begins walking on eggshells trying to behave better so their partner will act better--but their partner never does, and so the crazy making of their partner increases, becuase no matter what they do, their partner always has an excuse while their bad behavior is their partner's fault.

    People's behavior only changes once they are accountable for it, and highly motivated to change it.

    I would encourage you to join the support group if you haven't already: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum <3

  53. I need to tell my story, but don’t want it as a comment on here. Can you please let me know how I can get help? Thanks in advance.

  54. Hi Dana,

    I just joined your Forms group today. My user name is MrRobert. I sent you an email this morning. Please contact me so I can finish telling you my story on how my crazy psycho ex-wife abused me and systematically went out of her way to destroy my reputation and how she deliberately and intentionally destroyed my life all because she wanted to get her sweet revenge for me walking out on her and because I divorced her and that made her even more angry to the point that she was out to destroy me…. And that was her threat to me all along from the very beginning when I first warned her that If she didn’t start treating me right and stop insulting me and threatening me that I was going to leave her. Her all time favorite threat to me was… IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME, I’LL DESTROY YOU!!!

    P.S. I Think That Your YouTube Videos, Website And Forms Group Is A Great Resource For Me To Get The Help That I’m Searching For And To Recover From The Narcissistic Abuse That I Sufferd Through At The Hands Of My Psychopath Or Sociopath Ex-Wife.

    Thanks Again… And GOD Bless.

    Sincerely,
    MrRobert

  55. Omg you just hit the nail on the head. Hoovering. That’s what’s been happening for the last four years. Wow. I feel like I’m snapping out of it. I have a 19 mo baby with him and a house so this is so hard. But I think I know what I need to do. Thank you so much for your videos. I can’t say enough.

  56. Hello there,

    Thanks for your great videos at YouTube. I have watched all of the red flags videos and they have helped me a whole lot.

    This is a long story. I will attempt to shorten it down for you.

    My son’s father is most likely a narsicisst. We fell in love, and he did the love bombing from day 1. In short time he had moved in to my place, without even asking. He wanted to marry me and have children. I was also on alert as he seemed to be unreliable, he went from job to job although constantly bragging over being an extremely great carpenter. He was funny and charming. When I got pregnant with him, he change personality. He was often mad at me, constantly nagging on how I looked and how I acted. I was not good enough anymore. One time he was mad at me and pushed me out of our bed to hurt me. (I moved to a different country two days later). He was mad at me because I did not want to dirty talk with him in public, on the train.
    He also wanted me to lie to my doctor and tell her I did not know who the father of my baby was. If I did I would get a free house where we all could live. I could never Lie… Instead I moved to my home country where I had my family and friends. He promised to go with me. But (luckily) he never did. He came to visit when I was 5 months along and said he would never Come to live here. At that time he had moved in together with his new friends, which he talked in the phone with constantly, and lied to me about. I did not see him until a year later. When our son was 7 months old. He told his parents about him because I said I would call them at a given date so if he did not tell them, I would. Our son was then 2 months old.

    When he was back he wanted to try again… My trust in him was long gone then. But he behaved perfectly for 5 months. I almost believed he had changed. He was visiting often, he gave economically support, he cried in regret and told me our son was ll that mattered. But shortly after his return I also got an email from another woman telling me that she was having this man’s baby soon, and he had disappared from her life after she told him she was expecting. It is 8 months between the boys… Me and this other mother stays in touch. I trust her more than him. But he has been very eager to get back together and I have kept in touch for our son, to get him to know his dad, to make good memories with mom and dad. Things are mostly fine. But we always have these big arguments where he shouts at me and he’s mad at me for silly things. like how my hair looks, that I dont want to have our Child in a car without a child seat for him, that I put things on the wrong place in the fridge… All stupid things. He can make me feel really uncomfortble and unsafe. It is a relief every time we or he leave, and I always think to myself that I dont want to see him for a long time as he makes me feel drained. I dont want my baby to be alone with him anymore and I dont want to see him either. My eyes are finally open… But its been a long journey and he’s been given way too many chances.

    He still tries to make me feel guilty for not letting him see his son. They do Skype. But our 2 year old does not want to talk with him, and the father gets annoyed at me because he dont think I try hard enough to make him want to talk to his dad. Do you please have any short comment or advice?

    Thank you so much for all of your videos and info 🙂 ?

    Love,

    Winona

  57. Hi Dana
    I have been in a relationship with a sociopath or narcissis for the past 7 years .
    When I met him I was recovering from a abusive past relationship of 17 years .
    I myself had a beautiful upbringing which I think has shaped me as the person I am today .
    Happy go lucky nice genuine lady easy easy to get on with very loving love and peace warms my heart.
    So this man sources me out and instantly there was this attraction he seemed to be just like me we would laugh do silly things together to me we just conected and it felt like I’d been waiting for him all my life.
    Any way apart from two slip ups with other women he sucked me back in
    I also found out his name was not Corey that he told me and it wasn’t his brother and his brothers wife and two kids that lived with him it was his wife and kids and his name was Ian anyway after all that him and his wife did split they sold the house he then lived in a unit that I stayed at a lot and he would always stay at my house.
    We always went out dancing always laughing never ever fourt but I guess all that was was a reflection of myself.
    It’s been 5 months since out of the blue he just broke off with me .
    Herd stories he had been seeing someone else dating us both it has had a devastating effect on my life as all his promises all my dreams of the future the humiliation it left me not being able to even go out of my house unable to face people.
    Every minute of everyday it just doesn’t leave my mind I haven’t contacted him now for 4 months will not go out because I just can’t risk seeing him I don’t know why but I just can’t ever see him and that stops me from living my life .
    So many lies he is nothing like what he perceived to be .
    I don’t want him to get away with the damage he has caused how do I stop this revenge feeling how come he gets to walk with his head so high it’s driving me crazy help

  58. First of all; this is appallingly long. Please forgive me. Second of all; please take the below suggestions as I intended them, constructive input to help a quite effective presenter, become more effective. To continue in that vein for a moment, if I was to have written about the things I think you do well, this verbose mess would have been three times as long as it already is. Thank you for your kind work.

    Now for the dreaded but,

    I applaud you for being able to remember the plethora of all the men’s names you still feel so much anger toward, but being a professor that teaches quite a lot of counseling courses and a lifelong student of relationships, I am worried for you. And if I am worried for you, I must be worried for your viewers. So much of your presentation appears to be driven by your need to still punish these ‘narcissists’ many of whom simple appear to be socially awkward, middle-aged men, who are lonely and are following your lead, which concerns me as they see you calling out real people on a glibal platform. Saying their names one serves one purpose: to let them know that every time someone watches you, they are being held up as an example of a ‘bad man that therapy only make worse and meds are ineffective against.’ This isn’t quite accurate, as most of these individuals have multiple co-occurring disorder, say OCD, there are some meds that have an indirectly positive effect on them. That is unless they are a real scumbags (a clinical term) who anyone should run from.

    Please get a fact checker. Not to say that you are heaping inaccuracies on your viewers constantly, but much of the work on this in the areas if communication and and psych is appearing at a feverish pace anyone tackling such a huge subject would need help. And we all know the sad truth, the Internet is full of shot most if the time and information you are giving your viewer will be taken as gospel by many people in crisis.

    I do not, in any way, wish to sound condescending or mean spirited — I think your overall goal is wonderful and I am sure you are very good at your chosen profession. I just would hope that you could be more careful (you are the last person I need to tell how devistating one of these often mislabeled me-seekers can be to an overly empathetic, kind or low esteem.

    And could you please help us all out by defining argot, such as ‘hovering’ in the hovering video, you neglect to come close to defining it, until it is nearly concluded.

  59. I appreciate your response and your honesty. I sincerely do not feel any anger towards these men. If anything, I feel that these experiences are exactly what I needed to have happen in order for me to gain the clarity I needed about my boundaries and my part in things. I call them by their first names as their names are common names. My goal with sharing my stories is to open up the conversation about abuse, so that others know that they are not alone, not crazy, and that they can heal. …I have since changed my approach with talking about NPD and change, as I do think it is very limiting for me or anyone else to say what another person is capable of. Labels are limiting, and for that reason I am moving away from using them. I now encourage people to focus less on whether or not a person CAN change, but more on WILL they? And if they will, for them to examine whether or not these people are truly remorseful and showing a sincere and consistent effort in the direction of true change. I also encourage people to ask themselves how much of their time are they willing to spend in order to see results–and to also get clear of the types of results that they want to see.

    …I will go back and watch the hoovering video and add a note in there at the beginning as to the definition of this term.

  60. I have narcissistic personality disorder and I am an abuse victim. Accusing all narcissists of being inherent abusers is ableist and wrong, as well as damaging to abuse victims w npd

  61. Listening to you is so healing and comforting. Like talking to your best friend or your own self in those quiet moments where you talk to yourself and you hear that quiet small voice Your red flag videos blow my mind You have literally said some of the exact things that I have thought or written in my journal or told a therapist Uncanny You come across like a gentle comforting understanding friend What a blessing you are Now the healing can really begin

  62. My issue is with myself not being able to move on from my 6 years with my narcissist man who left me a year ago. I pine miss and yearn for him day and night. He said that it was my thought that he cheated lied and took drug’s I to became an abuser towards him which is why he said he had to leave me. I know that my behaviour towards him was wrong but I believed his words of changes and know that he told me everything that I wanted to hear. Blamed me for us ending. He hounded me for year’s and then just stopped I think that this is what I am finding so hard to get over him and dare I say it still feel in love with him. I am so depressed a year on.

  63. Thank you for such a nice message–that really made my day. 🙂 It really is so uncanny how we all have different versions of the same story. In many ways, all of us really are kindred spirits. I’m glad you are finding my videos to be so helpful and healing. <3

  64. Well, if someone has behavior traits that make them selfish, entitled, lack empathy, lack remorse, and exploit others, then that would make behavior that falls somewhere along the lines of disempowering, destructive or dangerous on some level (to themselves and others). …Do you not have these types of behaviors? If you do have them, do you feel that you have the ability to change? Yes, I would agree that most NPD people are most likely victims of abuse themselves, but I will also say that I have changed my stance on whether or not change is possible for them. I do think that change is possible–if they want to change. I would encourage you to not let anyone else define what you are capable of.

  65. I would encourage you to get busy building a life you love. My guess is that you are thinking about him day and night because you haven’t filled the void he’s left in your life–so the idea of him is still there. Focus on finding some new hobbies, meeting some new people, and on building a life you love, and I think you’ll find that as soon as that happens, you won’t miss him at all. <3

  66. Do u miss him or do you miss companionship someone around and sharing? Remember a narc is presenting a false self He is not what he appeared to be There cannot be a real relationship with a narc There was no connection in a genuine sense You feel alone Your heart hurts You want to return to the past because it is FAMILIAR to you You must find a support group and find people you truly care about who return the care

  67. Dana – I want to thank you for making the “Grand Finale” utube video! I’m always watching or reading different articles on Narcs. It really is helping in the healing process. But your video is the only one I’ve ever seen on this topic. As I was going through my grand finale I could foresee everything he was about to do to me and I was horrified! We were alone in my house for the wknd and it was like living in HELL! He beat me worse then ever had before. His thing to do to me when he got physical was to cover my mouth n nose w his hand so I couldn’t scream. This one wknd it was 95 degrees in my house and he is a huge guy. With all his weight behind him he covered my mouth/nose and I thought I would suffocate to death. I bit the inside of his hand and he just open handed slap me upside my head so hard I saw stars. Then covered up my mouth again. Somehow I got up and I remember thinking, act sorry, act so pathetic that he HAS TO feel bad and he’ll stop, OMG,….as I sobbed uncontrollably, apologized for anything and everything, saying over and over I’m so sorry , I’m so sorry it’s all my fault , gasping for air and drenched in sweat I looked up at him and he smiled! I never saw SO CLEARLY until that very moment how truly psychotic he really was. No human being could possibly smile watching another human suffering as I was. But that entire wknd was filled with CONSTANT gas lighting, triangulation, projection, and abuse. It gives me some relief when I know others have experienced this too. This evil thing is in jail for violating a RO. Tomorrow is our big day in court where I’m expecting judge to give me a 5 yr RO. I’m dreading going eye to eye with him in court. This is our longest separation after 6 yrs. and I get weak when I see him. Actually feel guilty that he’s in jail. That part I just can’t grasp makes no sense to me. I obviously need help. Anyway I never meant to go into my story just wanted to say thank you!!!!
    ~Elizabeth

  68. Hi
    I watched your videos on YouTube and I have a question but couldn’t comment on YouTube for some resone the comment section was not working for me. My question is
    What does a noarml person behave like?
    What is a normal relationship? With a normal person look like?
    My husband of 17 years was a narcissist and he was my first reactionship. And I am too sacred to even think of getting into any relationship, as I feel the same thing will happen to me again.

    I look forward to you answer or a video on you tube on how to find a normal person. Or what is normal?

  69. Hi Dana and friends. Please help. I have my preliminary divorce hearing coming up at the end of September. I need a divorce lawyer in the San Diego area or even Southern California that understands Narcissist Abuse.

    He didn’t work, said he was fired halfway thru the marriage, never got another job, refused to do housework. I took over the finances when I became aware he hadn’t paid taxes in several years.
    He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to our special needs daughter age 9.
    I asked (begged) him to leave 3 yrs ago but he entrapped me I to staying until more than 10 yrs and now wants to be supported for life.
    Can someone recommend a lawyer who understands this. California law cannot be intended to support a deadbeat cerebral narcissist who has been parasitic and abusive?

  70. I am the survivor of an 11 yr. relationship with a narcissistic sociopaths. The real nightmare began after divorce. Finding out there is NO ONE who will help protect your children despite PRE and CFI evaluations, court battle after court battle, half a dozen therapist and social workers… Everyone says simply stop emeshing yourselves in this negative behavior! It’s such BULL!
    I went thru HELL with my oldest. He was being bought, catered to, pampered and doted on for four long years! All the while doing everything in his power to alienate my son from me. (Even a PRE saw this, but the judge did NOTHING). My son had some kind of light bulb moment late last fall and asked me to let him come home. He said he couldn’t take it anymore, that the money wasn’t good enough and that he refused to be mean to me any more. I did, with strong bounderies in place, (given my sons past behavior i was skeptical…yet hopeful) and my ex has not spoken to my son since! It has been an adjustment and he is still a teen with tern attitude and teen struggles trying to “find his way” but over all… It’s been amazing. Truely like he flipped a switch and became “my son” again. Something I’d prayed for.
    Now my nightmare is beginning again with my youngest…he’s 13. Getting all the attention my oldest used to get, all the money, all the free rein. He’s buying it all despite his brother telling him it’s a trick and it won’t last! The mask WILL come off and the lures will all disappear.
    I am afraid sometimes because I see similarities in my eldest (he’s 17) and his father…. He mirrored his father a lot when he lived there and I am afraid some of it stuck. Taking on his father’s traits in order to gain his father’s favor, I am sure became a habit. He’s learning that his father has a psychological disorder but he’s mentioned a couple times someone telling him…he’s a narcissist. I have told him if he doesn’t want to repeat the pattern of his grandfather and father then perhaps therapy would be good. Thus far he’s resistant.
    I am beginning to wonder.. Is this disorder…nature or nurture? Or a lil of both. He was a much different kid before living with his father and to some extent teens are naturally egotistical so deciphering is difficult. I m petrified of the thought that one or both of my boys could become their father as now the youngest is ordered to spend 50/50 time with him.
    Can I prevent them from becoming a monster or could this be inevitable?

  71. I totally believe I was dating a narcissist for four months… He took me to a casino our first date for the weekend..4 hr drive and didn’t really know him all that well. The whole ride we talked.. He told me he would basically make me a very happy woman if I was to be his girlfriend… Everything was fine the first few weeks and then he started acting real jealous and breaking up with me every few days over every little thing like nit answering the phone when he called and he broke up with me because i didnt wake up before him on his birthday….he also lies a lot about every little thing, like how many hats he owned, that he had a king size bed in his room, he said he bought a car that was getting worked on, he said he had a stereo system…of course I never saw any of these things…just constant lies! It really stressed me out!!! I would get nervous talking to customers at work praying that he wouldn’t ride by because it would just be another argument that i dreaded…then I sensed that he was cheating on me..a female called his phone saying that she had five missed calls from him that day..he stayed the night at my apartment on the weeks he didn’t have his son… His cell phone number randomnly changes twice “on its own’…he verbally, sexually, almost phyaically abused me, its was a mess…i was a mess..crying at work all the time…but the good times made me stay! He took me out to dinner almost every night we werw together, he would massage my whole body and make me feel so good..he bought me things..he told ne he loved me all the time and wanted to be witb ne forever….i saw a blocked number on his phone and I called it and it was another female..who I found out later was Amanda!! A female he had been sexually involved with before me and him met!! Yes!! I found out recently that he never stopped messing with Amanda..it hurts even though I know he is not the one for me..its definitely a lesson learned

  72. Hello Dana:
    Thanks for your great work in putting together such an informative and much needed website.

    I haven’t seen any comments from parents of adult children with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Sadly, I am confronting this issue with my son, 33, who is an overachiever with 4 major college degrees. Although, my son is an only child our close relationship ended when I began to critique his behavior. The more he responded with disrespect, the more I criticized.

    Raised without his alcoholic father, my son now acts as though his now deceased is blameless and says his defiance of me started when he was a 10-year-old!!

    Because we are in a minority group, I started at an early age of setting my son on a path of education . I assure you, I wasn’t trying to live out my dreams through him but was actually trying to ensure his success as in the absence of his father.

    Dana,our first arguments was over my son showing independence when he was first in college by using curse words during our phone calls. Of course, the morning I complained – the morning he did it.

    By the time my son received dual Bachelor degrees, a Masters degree, and started working on a PhD it was clear his personality had changed.

    Now 6 years later the NPD traits of a Covert Narcissist is clear to me, his Mother! About 3 years ago he was engaged to get married. During that time my son treated me not ce and with respect. However, within a week of their break-up he was giving me hell.

    With the exception of two subsequent events in which he was being here honored, my son has given me grief.

    Due to my sacrifices on his behalf, the fear of losing our family’s future happiness, and the knowledge of his father’s past narcissistic behavior (34 yes earlier), I threatened to expose my son to family, friends, and work associates if he didn’t get counseling. *Yes, I was wrong to use SHAME as a tactic and I won’t go through with it.*

    It has taken 3 years of torment but he agreed to counseling only if the of us went together. I decided to do so but it has proven to be a mistake!

    It’s been 4 sessions and so far he has used every tactic to deny and deflect all blame for his screwed up behavior. In addition, like always the counselor seems to have bonded with my son as though they are friends (my son has more education than him).

    Besides lieing and saying he was abused at age 10, he is now calling me mentally ill. In our last session two weeks ago, he finally showed his true self and called me a “Delusional Joke!”

    Needless to say, his words are a continuing pattern of abuse that has left me broken all the way to my core. I don’t know what to say or even do. This mother-son telationship has tormented may to the point of affecting my work, causing depression, lowering self-esteem, and has led to suicidal thoughts.

    Over the past few years, I have tried to find family, friends, and men in different Professions to speak with him. So far, nothing seems to get through to him because he only shows this ugliness to me, which makes me look crazy for complaining.

    I wish that it would be easy for me to close the door on my son, just as I did with my ex-husband (his father) decades ago, by living without him may will likely be the hardest thing in my life, which is why it makes me feel like dying. How embarrassing, that anyone including my own child can make me devalue my own life. Clearly, I’ve go a lot of praying and healing to do. At any rate, I would appreciate your thoughts, as well as, the thoughts of others.

    Many Thanks!
    Lori

  73. Hi there, I literally just want to say thank you. I found you on youtube and I’v been unable to stop listening to your red flag videos.

    I have been with a narcissist for 3 years and I left a month ago, I started to learn about narcissism about a year ago, I’v researched everything possible I think I can to try to make a confident decision that I was indeed with a narcissist.

    So far he has proved me right and put a huge smear campaign on me which is where I am now, he’s begun to message literally everybody I know past and present including work colleagues and acquaintances and spreading outrageous lies about me. Saying that I have been sleeping around a lot and I have given people aids. And that he is frightened that I may have given him
    Aids too.

    The funny thing is, he used “proof” that I’m like a serial cheat and that I have HIV (I don’t) by pretending to be different people, and having conversations with himself using different names. Then snap shotting the conversations to show others that I’m a total vile person.

    The people I have slept with I haven’t actually met, I don’t even recognise their names. My ex said he is now going to destroy me because I cheated and gave him
    Aids however he knows this isn’t true as he orchestrated it. It’s bonkers, and very lonely as it all just sounds so crazy

  74. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Yes, these people have very bizarre and damaging behavior. Hopefully, the other people in your life see him contacting them as way out-of-line and totally inappropriate. …If you haven’t already joined the support group, I would encourage you to do so. It’s a lot less lonely when you know you aren’t the only one going through this: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    (((hugs)))

  75. Hi Lori,

    I am sorry that you are going through this–I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. You ask what to do about this, as it’s not easy to close the door on him. It seems to me that he is the one who has closed the door on you, and is really limiting contact. Because of this, I’m not sure there is too much you can do, other than accept his behavior for what it is and to realize that because he isn’t interested in changing all you can do is to try and keep minimal contact open with him. I know that isn’t the answer you were hoping for, and I wish I had more to give you, but you can’t change him. All you can do is focus on you and to try and find joy in your life in as many other ways as possible. (((hugs)))

  76. I just want to thank you for what you’ve done to help me & everyone else that is affected by this mental illness. I had no idea this sort of thing existed. I guess ive been lucky to be 42 and never gotten involved with this type of relationship. Until now. ….
    It has been a complete nightmare except for the first month of it. I didn’t know about the stages this relationship was about to go through until the discard one. Only then did i start doing research on what the hell is going on here because things were happening that were not normal. I felt something was wrong after the first week where she wanted to talk on the phone 4-6 hours a day after work. All day i would get texts and calls asking what i was doing & that she was thinking about me. She had the love bombing so well done that after the first week the “i love you’s” started. The 2nd week she wanted me to move in with her. After the 1st month getting married was being brought up. I should’ve realized there was truoble that when she demanded i propose to her. When i couldn’t find the right ring she got upset. I finally found one and when i said i need to think about it she threw her 1st rage tantrum. Red flags started popping up. She was trying to make me post the engagement on fb. When i said i will do it in a few days she threw her 2nd rage tantrum. I got threats and ultimatums for that. Its been downhill ever since to the point where she said she hated me & to commit suicide.
    All this negativity has affected my entire life.
    So thank you for letting us know that what is happening to is isnt our fault. You just don’t know how much your advice has helped me deal with such a horrible relationship. :

  77. Hello my name is MICHAEL and I am new to all of this and I am just kind of blown away I have stories that are of the same but the one thing that I have noticed this is all about the man abuse I have noticed that there is no talk about the female which I have spent 10 years Personally with one I would love for you to do a video on this please Contact me to hear the male Version of this abuse that I am currently trying to move away from

  78. For some reason, I am just now seeing your comment, so I apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

    Here is a video I did that answers your question: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/episode-24-of-the-ask-a-question-show-how-do-i-identify-healthy-people/

    I’d encourage you to also look at the comments on YouTube as many are from people who have “been there, done that” and they give great advice and feedback. This video (the “Ask a Question” Show) also has a playlist of LOTS of videos that you can find by going to my channel and clicking on playlists.

  79. I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you–I just now saw your comment. …I hope that your court hearing went as well as could be expected. You are not alone in this, and I am SO glad that you have the clarity you need in order to move forward in closing the door on this person and on this relationship.

    If you would be open to joining a support group, we’d love to have you: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  80. Is it possible that if a narcissist were to say the folliwing, over and over like a mantra until they fully and wholeheartedly believed it to be their truth, maybe even through hypnotism, could they magically change and shift into living a serene life?:

    “I am not perfect, and that’s fine. I am just like everyone else, no better and no worse. I desrrve good things in life, exactly the same as everyone else does, no more and no less.”

  81. Hmm…interesting comment. The common thought on Narcissists and Sociopaths/Antisocials is that they do not change–that personality is formed by around the age of 7-10, and that the brain really “cements” behavior by the age of 25. I used to believe this theory too, but then I decided that I think it is too limiting. I think it is more fair to say that there haven’t been any effective treatments of Narcissism/Sociopathy, but that doesn’t mean that some don’t exist. And frankly, I think if anyone really wants to change then they can. The problem with most Narcissists/Sociopaths is that they don’t have a sincere or lasting desire to change, which is (at least one major reason) why they don’t change. …I even hesitate to talk about the possibility of Narcissists being able to change, as I don’t want victims who are deep in Cognitive Dissonance to cling to what I’m saying as a sign of hope. Narcissists/Sociopaths are extremely manipulative and do a great job at pretending to want to, or be capable of, change. The truth is that only time will tell if a person has really changed. So, could a Narcissist do a mantra, and could that help them shift into a serene life? I suppose anything is possible–but I highly doubt it. I think they’d need a lot more than just one mantra to make all the changes necessary in order to be kind, compassionate, respectful, honest, and open.

  82. I’m so glad my videos and info have been able to help you get the clarity that you were needing. Yes, this is a very problematic relationship, and one that I hope that you are far away from these days. These relationships can (and do) come on hot and heavy until we are so drunk on all the love bombing that we aren’t thinking straight–and that not thinking straight can last for a long while even after the relationship is over, as we try to make sense of this Lifetime TV movie that we found ourselves caught up in. Here is a link to a video series that I think will help you to avoid these kinds of relationships in the future: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (Scroll down to the playlist on “How to Avoid Dating (and Befriending) Narcissists”

    Hope that helps. (((hugs)))

  83. Yes, I apologize. Pretty much all of my earlier info on toxic behaviors/relationships is based around my personal and professional experiences–which are as a victim, as well as working in a domestic violence shelter. It totally wasn’t my intention to minimize what men go through, I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about the subject in a way that I wasn’t familiar with. Now that I am hearing from more and more men, I am starting to talk more about what they go through. I will put together a video playlist about the topic. All of my playlists are listed here: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ so look for it in the near future. Also, keep in mind that while I give examples with men having the toxic behavior, that female Narcissists/toxic women have much the same behavior.(((hugs))) to you. I’m glad you got out of your situation. If you would like to share your story, you can email it to me: dana@NarcissistSupport.com I also have a support group that you might be interested in: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum …there are quite a few men in the group as well.

  84. Hi Winona,

    Thank you for taking the time to write and to share part of your story. I’m sorry in the delay in getting back to you, I’ve been really swamped with comments and emails lately.

    Before I forget, here is a link to the support group–you might find this very helpful: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    My feedback on your situation is that this man is very toxic, and abusive, and that your son is also seeing all that behavior. For these reasons, I think it’s okay (and healthy) for you to cut contact with him and to not have your son around him. You son doesn’t need (or apparently want) to be exposed to his abusive ways either. …He probably won’t handle it well if you try to cut contact off with him, so prepare yourself emotionally (and physically) for that. I say that because he most likely will be verbally and emotionally abusive when you cut him off, and if is anywhere in the area, then he might be physically abusive to you as well. It’s always good to err on the side of caution with manipulative and destructive people.

    (((hugs))) to you. I wish you all the best in this next chapter of your life, and I hope you make it the best one yet. <3

  85. Hi Jody,

    I’m sorry for the delay in getting back to you–I just now saw your comment! For starters, I highly recommend that you join the support group: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum as it’s a great way to connect with others and to work through a lot of the feelings you have (and everything you are feeling is very normal–and it does pass). <3

    Normal, decent people don't even see these people coming. What happened to you is not your fault. Let me repeat, what happened to you is not your fault. He is a master manipulator, and an incredibly destructive person. You, like many others, took him for face value--and why wouldn't you have? That's what most people in the world do. It's a really hard lesson to learn that others are not like us. We all like to think that we can spot bad people a mile away--that they all look like Charles Manson, or give off a "bad guy" vibe, and many of them do--but the real bad guys come across like Prince (or Princess) Charming.

    You mention feeling humiliated, and that you had such a good time with him, but that really he was just reflecting yourself back to you. This means that there is a lot about you that is fun and lovable. <3 His behavior is not a reflection of you in any way shape or form. His behavior is a reflection of him.

    You stop these feelings for revenge, but reminding yourself that the best revenge is a good life. And when you start focusing on him, it's a good sign to channel that energy into a positive way and build yourself a good life. I know none of this is easy. But he is a liar, and from the sounds of it, other people know that as well. There will always be people who see through him, and there will always be those who don't. Focus on what you do have control over, and try to let the rest go. (((hugs))) to you. <3

    Here is a link to the support group too, if you are interested: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  86. I was involved with someone who was a covert narcissist and endured very painful treatment, constantly caught him cheating, yet he was always able to turn the tables on me and pull the “crazy and overly suspicious” card on me, until in the end I had undeniable proof” He had a triad of women and when I emailed him his Facebook pages of him arranging a rondevous with a woman he has had an on and off affair with for over 20 years, he still denied it! In the end, because I made him uncomfortable blowing his cover wide open on him, he started cutting me out of the deal, weaning me slowly, too cowardly to just say, we can’t be involved anymore, sorry, I don’t like hurting and disappointing you, but you should find someone that there will be a future with. No it’s just nastiness until I get tired. And I see how he keeps thing open ended, just in case he loses one of the members of his triad. I feel like I’ve become a little narcissistic myself, manipulative, feeling like he owes me closure, explanations, I still beg to work things out when I’m treated like crap. Where as, in the beginning, the love flowed like milk and honey. He also conned me out of a large some of money, and doled it back to me a hundred dollars at a time, since the deal was to invest in a truck that I would get a percentage of the profits from., and when he failed to do that, promised to pay me back. Meanwhile, as I had relocated to a certain city to be near him, I had become homeless and stayed in a shelter until I found work and got a place. And if I had my five grand I loaned him, I would have been fine. How damn dumb can a woman get? I just thought he was a common con and sex addict, but now I have a name for this man’s psychology. What pissed him off the most with me is when he lost control of me when I relocated to another city to be near family and, hopefully, better job prospects. He’s a truck driver and often goes to that city I moved to, so although we both didn’t want to go back to a long distance relationship, I assured him, this doesn’t mean it’s over for me and you and Ibwould love to see him when he’s in town, he would be welcome. But he just saw me leaving as a wonderful thing and went hog wild with women after I left. When things didn’t work out for me in Charlotte and I moved back to Jacksonville, now he treats me like it was a big hassle to have to lie to me and play me when he thought he was free and clear of me. And after tiring of his on and off, hot and cold, inconsistant behavior and the level of blatant disrespect I was now shown, it ended with me cussing him out, something I have never done to him, since I try to treat people with respect. I’ve blocked him from my FaceBook and my phone. I’m done feeling bad.
    Thanks
    Fatima

  87. My other concern is: I myself may be narcissistic as I suspect I have cancer due to recurring or chronic infection of my uterus, and I was diagnosed with HPV many years ago, but one time when we were fighting to get him to empathize with me I lied and said I do have cancer. But often having very bad depression and feeling suicidal for real, and voicing, “I wish I could just check out of this insane life,” was very real, not just some “threat” or attention getter. Thank God, my restraining factor is my belief in God and the consequence of murdering one’s self – which is equally as wrong as murdering another person. I feel like such a loser compared to this successful owner/operator of a commercial trucking industry. And his other women seem to all be doing well for themselves too, thus my self-esteem suffered further injury and ess an affirmation that I truly am a loser and that’s why I wasn’t good enoug for him. I’m a writer and work two part-time jobs but was still struggling, meanwhile, his wonderful lifestyle never suffered. He always financed parties and reunions, had motorcycles, and vintage street rods, nice clothes and cologne. And I’m walking around with holes in the bottom of my once cute high top sneakers, while he’s buying a different pair of hundred dollar boots about once a month and had said he’d buy me a new pair of sneakers since my money was so tight ( and believe me, I was so responsible and frugal with my money it was ridiculous). Don’t get me wrong, the man was generous in many ways, like if I travelled with him while he was on a business trip, he’d pay for all our meals etc. But later, I realized, I was just “pussy to go” while he was traveling. My head is messed up and I need therapy for the behaviors I’ve developed trying to get some compassion out of the guy when he’d be pissed at me for confronting him about a “new edition to the harem,” which I sometimes presented in a light, teasing way about the women I knew he was seeing and taking on the road with him. God, I’ve been worked over! I was so good to him when we first met, but as time went on and I kept catching him with different women, yet forgiving him and continuing to be lovers, there were times when I gave him a hard time too during our six year affair. I now feel like I’m almost suffering from some type of PTS after dealing with such a human being. Can I recover and learn normal patterns of relating to people, will I ever trust a man again?

  88. You don’t sound like a Narcissist to me. There is nothing in what you are saying that shows that you are selfish, entitled, or lack empathy or remorse. Nothing. If anything, you seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum–and could stand to put yourself first on a much more regular basis. <3

    You mention PTSD. Yes, many victims do develop a form of PTSD called "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

    This is something that you can overcome, but it does take time, and the first step is in getting away from whatever is traumatizing you (in this case, this man).

    Here is a link to the support group, which is often a great first step: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    Here is a link to a video I just did for a woman who asked the very same question about trust that you did: https://youtu.be/tmKkQrYJ4XM

  89. I’m glad that you are done feeling bad. <3

    This guy is a selfish jerk, and no one needs that in their life. I hope that you will focus on treating yourself with value (it's a HUGE part of healing) and I wish you all the best in this next chapter of your life. (((hugs)))

  90. If you have to walk on eggshells around someone–especially because they have a really bad temper, then there is a problem. Everything that you are describing in your message screams, “deal breaker” to me. I encourage you to think about what kind of person you want in your life, and to focus on treating yourself with value. The more you treat yourself with value, the less you will find yourself tolerating this kind of behavior from others. <3

  91. I’m so sorry that you are going through so much with this man.

    You ask a great question about what you can do to prevent your children from becoming monsters. I think there is still so much that isn’t understood about Narcissism, that it’s hard to say what percent is nature and what percent is nurture. All you can do is to try and model open, honest, and sincere communication in your home, as well as have very clear boundaries for your kids, and for yourself. Many teenagers are Narcissistic–and hopefully they will grow out of it. The human brain doesn’t fully develop until a person is around 25. …All you can do is your best, and then let the rest go. There are many other parents out there that I’ve talked to who have Narcissists/Sociopaths for children and are overwhelmed with grief and guilt wondering if they did something. Please hear me when I say that his behavior isn’t your fault. We all have free will in how we handle things in our lives–regardless of the trauma or dysfunction that a person is exposed to or grows up in. I know this may sound harsh, but it’s okay to limit contact with your son once he’s grown and out of the house if that’s what you need to do to stay safe and sane. Abuse is abuse is abuse, and abusive people can be a spouse, a parent, a child, a neighbor, a friend, a member of your church, you name it. It’s okay (and healthy) to take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

  92. It’s taken a really long time but I’m pretty confident I’m now free of narcissistic relationships. I didn’t know what they were until a year ago but it’s made things much easier to deal with. I was already cleaning house at that point but the guilt and anger wouldn’t go away. Learning about it has helped that process.
    I’m now more concerned about my knee-jerk reaction to situations where I panic and overreact or even fall apart into a blubbering mess. Do you have any advice for developing normal levels of reaction?

  93. When I was first going through my dov
    …For me, when my relationship with Jack first ended, I was on high alert all the time. I trusted no one, and I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt like I was in a weird kind of depressed panic mode all the time. It was exhausting. When my relationship with Steve ended, I was a blubbering mess, but moreso because I was just so totally overwhelmed by my life. Someone would ask me how I was doing, and I would just start sobbing.

    If you are experiencing similar out-of-control emotions, I’d encourage you to not try to have normal levels of reaction. …Those will return to normal in their own time. If there are others around you, tell them that you are having a hard time right now, and to excuse you for a moment. People get that. We’ve all been there at some point. Instead, of trying to make the emotion go away, turn your attention inward, and just breathe and sit with your feelings. Examine where that feeling is in your body. Does it have a color? A shape? A message to give you? Have you felt like this before? When? Why? Get curious about it, and embrace it for what it is. If you are into writing, perhaps try journaling about this experience.

    I know how unpleasant these feelings can be, however, all of our emotions really do serve a purpose–and they are there for a reason. If we can change how we view them, then we can change how we experience them too–and when this happens, it’s like these feelings tend to relax, as that part of us know it will be taken care of. …It’s kinda of like our wounded inner child that just needs to be soothed. Once that soothing happens, the inner child calms down. I encourage you to take some time to do just that: listen to your inner child, and then find ways to be extra good to yourself right now–a bubble bath, being outside, getting lost in a good book, taking time to watch a movie–and just reminding yourself that you went through a lot, and that it’s okay to be upset, that you won’t always feel this way, and that you deserve to be treated with love and understanding–by others and by yourself.

    I hope that helps.

    (((BIG HUGS))) to you. <3

  94. Hi,

    I have a couple of questions if I may. I have just ended a relationship with a covert narcissist. He is still trying to Hoover so we haven’t reached the grand finale yet.

    I was wondering if a narcissist is genuine when it comes to their immediate family? Do they genuinely care about their brothers and sisters? My ex is very protective of his family and I wonder if that is all fake too?

    Also, I have tried over and over to stop contact with my ex but he drops letters, flowers, gifts over all the time begging for forgiveness. How long does this last generally before they give up trying?

    Thank you

    Lana

  95. Was he a narcissist? I was involved with a very high profile married man. For four years he promised to leave his wife. I gave him deadlines. He would blow them. I would leave. He would chase me down, promise to leave her….and I would stupidly go back. He lied to me all the time about important things. I came to understand he lied to get what he wanted, without regard for what’s right. He manipulated me like an expert, making me feel like it was my fault he didn’t leave her or do this or that. I finally had enough 8 weeks ago, when he once again (for the 7th or so time) didn’t leave her when he said he would. I googled “lack of empathy”, because I could never understand how he could keep hurting me like that, and came upon the narcissist descriptions and wow it really hit home. He didn’t have all the traits though. He wasn’t mean openly. He never discarded me….but then again he is high profile and can’t just seek other supply without encountering big problems. Anyway I left him 8 weeks ago. I deleted my email and Skype which is how we mainly communicated. He began texting me from his phones. I blocked him. He created new numbers with an app. I was inundated with texts….4000 in 4 weeks. He called incessantly. Left voice mails begging to talk to me. Telling me he told his wife he wants a divorce (BS). He emailed me at work. Sent flowers. Scheduled a meeting at my workplace (he lives across the country). I took that day off and he became angry and nasty. Sent me texts that night that he was outside my house. Was coming to my office the next day. Wouldn’t leave me alone till I talked to him. I sent him two responses saying to leave me alone and stop harassing me. Didn’t work. Finally this week I changed both my cell numbers and had a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. It arrived today. I don’t know who signed for it yet-he or his wife. I have no idea what will follow now but he left me no choice. I needed peace to heal. Is he a narc? This is not normal behavior.

  96. They will continue to try to suck a person back in as long as they think whatever it is that they are doing is working. If you still have contact with him, then I would encourage you to go “No Contact”. Odds are he will try even harder, as they REALLY hate to lose power and control over their victim and over the situation, but if you hold your line, he should eventually go away. Keep in mind that they often do circle back around sometimes years or even decades later if they are low on “supply”, so please always keep your guard up around this guy. If he continues to bother you, you may want to consider calling the police or telling him straight out to leave you alone–that you aren’t playing games or playing hard to get. (Keep a paper trail of all this–so texts, voice mails, emails, and photos of everything he is doing just in case you eventually need to get a restraining order or take him to court for any reason.)

    As for their family, no–they really don’t give a care about anyone but themselves. They might do a great job at playing the World’s Greatest Dad, or Son, but it’s only when they feel like it. …They also are often really great to some people, and REALLY terrible to others. I had a member of my family who was a Narcissist (he’s dead now), but he was awful to his wife and his daughter. However, at his wake, the line was out the door for hours. I’d never seen anything like it. He spends 10’s of thousands of hours volunteering over his lifetime, and most of society thought he was this great guy–the truth is that he was a pathological liar, and snowed a lot of people.

  97. I agree, this is not normal behavior. There’s a good chance that he is either a Narcissist or a Sociopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder), based on your descriptions of his behavior. A person doesn’t need to have all of the red flags in order to be a Narcissist or Sociopath. It’s more the selfishness, the entitled behavior, the lack of empathy and the lack of remorse that are the tell-tell signs. At the end of the day, it’s safe to say his behavior is manipulative and toxic–and based on that, it’s enough to steer clear of him. If you haven’t already watched this video series, I highly recommend it: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (it’s the third video series down, called, “How to Avoid Dating or Befriending Another Narcissist”.)

    …Also, what you are describing with his constant texts is called, “hoovering” and is very common after a break up with a manipulative person. Since everything is all about them, they may even hoover a year or several decades later, so it’s good to have your emotional shields up around this man at all times: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/you-tube-video-on-hoovering/

    I hope this helps. …If you are interested in joining a support group, here is a link to mine: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    You can heal from this, but it does take time. Be extra loving to yourself right now, and try to take comfort in knowing that you won’t always feel this bad, or be in this much emotional pain. (((hugs)))

  98. Hi Dana, wonderful livestream, i believe my phone lost signal the last hour, but is a good thing cause i will see the replay Yesss! Hey Dana I will love to help you with info and research about any topic, I will be glad to send you my ph # (i follow Marie Forleo and you know her team is not in new york, her team is spread across the US, some are in LA, San Francisco, Florida and new Jersey. to name a few, the point is they work together but not in the samr location) well let me know and lets rock ourselves to prosperity and success! Love you and Happy Thanksgiving! I want some smashed potatoes yum yum

  99. Hi Dana,

    Thanks so much for your reply. I have not seen the videos but will check them out. I’m in the stage where I read and educate myself constantly because I want to figure out how and why this all happened. Why he acted as he did. Why I accepted so much less than I should have, well before I labeled him as personality disordered.

    I’ve learned about hoovering and for sure this is what he did. Your comment about it being all about them is very helpful and adds perspective to it all. Before, when we broke up, I didn’t see it that way. I thought he was truly sorry. Now I know he’s not and never will be, except for how it affects him. I hired a lawyer and she sent a cease and desist letter to his house, which included samples of texts he had sent. I had no choice. I was going insane with the constant texting and calling and showing up at work and texting he was outside my house and sending flowers and letters….I couldn’t breathe or think of anything else. His wife got the letter. And I’m sure is now going thru hell herself, and giving him hell. It’s complicated….he’s high profile and so she likely wants to handle it carefully….but I have become too interested in what is going on there. So I’ve stopped cyber searching. I need to focus on me and be thankful the hoovering has stopped. And allow myself to enjoy the rest of my good life and move on. I still think about it way too much.

    I created an account on your support group and am waiting for the activation email so I can post. I look forward to it. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

  100. Dana…i cried just hearing you. Thank you. I am learning so much and thank you for putting words to my experiences!

  101. Hi, I just want to thank you for this site, I feel like it is saving my life. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 41/2 years but did not know it until 3days ago. I thought I was going crazy and could not believe it when the Grand FINALE hit, I had no clue what the hell happened and how he could dismiss me like I wD nothing…. nothing but s text telling me sorry this didn’t work out for ME. Now don’t get me wrong the last month or so eas really bizarre and I knew something eas happenings and he was pulling away but keeping me just close enough to feed off sexually until I snapped after months, Yeats of biting my tongue and afraid to show my feeling because he would run away and cut off all contact for days leaving me crumbled, devastated, confused and each time the feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me. My story is long and many many crazy events, but I never realized what was happening until I was hooked and even them didn’t realize what I was dealing with until I found your site. I was married for 17 yrs and never felt this devastated even during the divorce, but that I is when my narc started “love bombing” me and I never saw it coming. I have so much shame, embarrassment but yet fighting the urge constantly to call him text him anything because I can’t wrap my head around how he could just walk away like nothing and blame me using addiction to smear me when he was or is a drug dealer? I am an intelligent business woman and have a hard time understanding how I let him gain so much power while depleting me of all self esteem, confidence and self worth. I have felt suicidal at times but love my children far to much to do that to them…plus my smart me, knows I’m capable to get thru this…but my heart is broken and I don’t know why he chose me. We have been friends since high school, 30 yrs, I would never hurt him lime this, I tried so hard to prove how much I lived him for who he could be and not for material things, I didn’t need anything but love and respect but if not love at the very least respect or compassion for me as a human….its so mind blowing I can’t think sometimes because I break down. Anyway I am vomiting my story and probably making no sense…. I just wanted to tell you how very grateful I am for your site, for taking the time and effort and truely caring for those of us that are learning for the first time why our life just blew up in our face and it wasn’t all my fault because I’m a struggling addict, or I don’t speak to him in the right tone or I’m not worthy because I’m not YOUNG enough or hot enough or sexy enough..Yet he would never let me totally go, until now so why am I broken? I should be grateful??? So confused.. .I am not perfect but I never deserved my life to be high jacked and derailed just for the amusement of someone that never had any good intentions.

  102. I’m so glad I can give my pain a purpose, and that all this info has been able to give you some of the clarity you were needing. <3

    You are so not alone in this--and you really can move forward and heal. (((hugs)))

  103. In watching red flags of a narcissist number 14 called “flashes inappropriate emotions” an example came to mind of a woman who was sent to death row after killing her too small sons and she gave a birthday party for the murdered children in the graveyard that was televised and the scene was much too the shock of the prosecuting attorney and the public and it ultimately led to her conviction.
    Dana you are raising awareness in immeasurable ways. I’ve nicknamed you “Buffy the vampire slayer!” Thanks for your training and your dedication to victims. We love you!!!!!

  104. I left my narsasistic husband of 14 years only a month ago. This was not our first seperation. But the last.
    In the beginning it was so wonderful. And we had made some good memories along the way. However, it was a living hell.
    Yesterday I was talking with my mom, telling her that I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get over him and our marriage. Why I felt the need to return to him every time he beckoned. Asking her, what the hell is wrong with me. Questioning my own sanity. I began looking online for something, anything that would help me make sense of it all. And I found you and your videos.
    I’m just trying to process it all. When I am able, I will share my story.
    Again, thank you Dana. Today is the first day in eons that I feel my sanity returning.

  105. Hi Dana, I know you say the narc cheats, always. I’m wondering if it’s also common for the partner to cheat while being beat down into the ground during the narc’s devalue stage for so long?

  106. I didn’t realize I was in a relationship with a narcissist until watching the videos and reading your website. I have left the relationship but it’s only recently (2 weeks). I am having a hard time getting over the relationship, because I seem to only focus on the “so called good moments”. Moments I’m now realizing were not even realistic. He has all the signs of a narcissistic person, and although he did not cheat that I know of, he was highly addicted to porn. When I would confront him, he would get very angry, almost physically violent. This damaged me. How could someone that was supposed to love me get so defensive about something that hurt me so badly. The porn was running out sexual connection. Not only was he addicted to porn, but he smokes marijuana daily. He is a well known, well liked, business owner, but yet behind closed doors he was like Satan. He would call me, trash, a slut, and a user. When in reality I gave up my home, everything I owned to start a life with him. Even worked sometimes 10 to hours a day to help his business grow and be successful. I also cooked, kept a very clean home, and was an excellent step-mother to his 2 boys. Now his oldest son hates me, because he has bad mouthed me constantly to him. However the youngest son, well, he is still very attached to me. He says he knows how his father is and is sorry this happened to me. I’m just so bitter, hurt and confused. He still try’s to tell me loves me, then the next day will tell me he hates me and curses me out! I avoid him at all cost, but due to the business I still have some strings attached. I have been actively looking for employment and it has not been successful. I am a single Mom with a 12yr old daughter and I am completely broke. I have no family that can help me.I had to start all over and he refuses to help me, after I gave up everything for him. I’m in a deep depression, please help!!!

  107. Hi,
    I’m new to this site but I have ben researching the topic for months ever since I figured out that my ex is a narc.Its really sad that so many others have ben abused like this & nothing seems to barely if ever be done about it.Meaning these predators can just roam free & wreak absolute havoc on people’s lives then just go about there business like nothing ever happened.I personally am suffering from every symptom I’ve researched on ptsd or cptsd & it’s a struggle for me to just live my life at this point.My personal story I would like to share a bit of to let others know that there not alone in this & it’s not our fault.I was in a relationship with my ex for 6 years & he was extremely (or so I thought) loving,caring,understanding,kind,patient,etc..he proposed to me (after one previous failed attempt 1 1/2 into the relationship.(since I was unaware at that point he was a narc I dismissed the red flag that was way too soon)4 years in & got my family & his parents (whom are also narcs)to be part of the occasion & it all seemed so perfect until…rite after he proposed he had taken a full time flying job where he would be flying for 2 to 3 weeks at a time without ever telling me.I had to ask him why are you flying so much after he went Mia for 2 weeks & I was told that he already told me he was flying full time for work.(gaslighting)but,that he wasn’t going to be doing it for long,well it went on for almost a year until he himself got sick of it.Nobody in his family since we lived near them the entire time (& far from mine),spoke of the wedding for that entire year following his proposal & every time I would bring it up they would simply change the subject to the point I felt embarrassed to mention planning my own wedding that they were a part of initiating.(his father I later found out bought my engagement ring)After my ex quit his job & I had ben alone 90% of the time the entire year I was supposed to be planning my wedding I became extremely depressed & resentful (who wouldn’t),we wound up getting into a verbal altercation which ended up with him breaking my nose by throwing me face first full force on the ground then proceeded to tell the police (after a neighbor heard me scream for help because he threw my phone & called)I was drunk & I fell.The police showed up & we’re going to question me first because I was obviously severely injured & he was absolutely fine until he very calmly interrupted & lied to the police & completely fabricated a story of how I was unstable,drunk & fell.The police actually let him talk didn’t ever wind up taking my statement & actually threatened to arrest me for trying finish answering the question they originally asked about what happened.But because my ex was so calm & manipulative they bought his bs,didn’t even take a statement from me whom literally had a bloody broken nose,& just brought me to the hospital.So….not only did I just get physically asullted by my ex but the police didn’t even arrest him & actually threatened me for trying to give my statement they originally asked for until he interrupted!!After that I tried to reach out & get help & legal advice moving forward but I was repeatedly told nothing could be done.So that’s when I started to feel really horrible & research my symptoms & abuse & that’s how I found out about narcissists & cptsd.Its so sad that one has to either be educated or abused by these types in order to prevent it & by that point it’s already too late.I also believe some points that there are reasons why we as victims don’t notice the red flags early on that are linked to our childhood,but I also think that even a person who had a very healthy childhood can be conned by certain types of narcs because they are just that manipulative.There is a whole lot more I could tell you about what was done to me by my ex & his parents but it would take forever.I just hope to get back to living life again & being able to thrive because I’m not anymore & I know that I don’t deserve this & neither does anyone else that’s gone through this kind of abuse.

  108. Hi my name is Connie. I have had a relationship with a Narcissist/Verbal Abuser on & off for 9 yrs. I thought he really loved me. Said he had never felt this way about nybody!! I was the only person he had ever considered marriage with. Said I was the best sex ever! Like magic. But when I strtd reading up on Narcissist I began 2 see that’s what I was dealing with. He has been with about 8 diffrent women (probly more, I jst didn’t find out about them) during our 9 off & on relationship. I found a list of the diffrent woman he had been with about 2 yrs after we strtd dating. There were 32 diffrent women on that list!! When I finally realized that he fit the Narcissist description perfectly I began 2 tell him that I knew he really did not love me & never has. That I cud not be with him nymre ( as hard as it has been, I hve managed 2 stay away from him for 9 mos now. He has ALWAYS contacted & txt me while he was cing these other women. I wud try not 2 respond but eventually I wud. Although he has pretty much left me alone, he still after about 3 weeks will txt me & tell me he misses me even tho he is cing sum1. My brother lives in the same apartment bldg as he does. I have 2 go take care of my brother at times bc he has Myotonic Dystrophy so I run in to him there at times. That’s when he strts txting me. When he sees me. Tells me he’s fine as long as he doesn’t see me. When he sees me, he says he gets weak & can’t help but contact me. My question is how can I get him out of my mind & my heart?? I still think about him constantly! Even though I do NOT want to!! I’ve prayed about this, even tried 2 date sum1 else but I jst cannot get him out of my head, mind & heart. Our sex life was Great!! It was about the only thing that was good about the relationship! We had such great chemistry it was unreal. I’m jst really needing sum help with how 2 completely get him out of my mind & heart. He has treated & talkd 2 me sooo bad off & on for the past 9 yrs. PLEASE give me sum advice as to how I can do this bc I have tried EVERYTHING I know of…. Thank you!

  109. I’ve watched over a dozen of your “Red Flag” videos,… OMG,…. You ARE spot on!!
    I’m soooo thankful that you’ve created this dialogue and education on this very SERIOUS AND COMMON personality trait!!

    I am desperate to know why does their behavior get WORSE WITH AGE??
    (Worth mentioning that I found out that my 5 yrs ago had basically lived a double life for 20 years!!! He had multiple short term affairs with the GROSSEST of PIGS! I was and am DEVASTATED!)

    My husband is a great guy until asked a question that he doesn’t feel is any of my business. It use to take a lot more than it does today to get him to the point of GOING BIZZURK.
    Ex. In my past work history I was in an administrative role at the hospital where I worked. Any calls from my much younger, very attractive CEO, would send my husband in a rage. (The calls were all work related as we were building a new hospital which requires an enormous Amt of communication! (Obviously, right?)
    Now much older (62),15 years later, he has a co-worker who lives in another state,…and has openly told me that she has called to complain about their Corp management team,… Blah blah blah! Later I confirmed that they spent 30 mins talking on the phone.
    But when I asked about a recent 20 min conversation, that she made to him, 15 mins after I left for work,…he said it was to “wish him merry Christmas and to tell him about the challenges and difficulties from a co-worker, at her branch, is causing her, (his guy is also my husbands colleague),..IM JUST DOING MY JOB SO, GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT!”
    He answered my question w/ a huge amt of attitude. (Unlike when he was forthcoming about her previous phone call.)
    After that I asked why did he feel compelled to tell me about the previous call and not about the recent one,… Well, …HE WENT BIZZURK!! Name calling, saliva spewing thru the air,… Just totally nuts!
    He called me a bitch,.. and said he “wants a divorce,”… And that “he’s not my slave!!!”

    Of course, when reminded about how he felt and treated me when I recvd calls from my CEO after hours,… And how he still throws that up in my face,… Ultimately he DENIES that he mandated that I request my prior months phone records so he could tabulate the mins (day or night), spent on the phone w/ my CEO

    So WHY is this ANGER so SHORT FUSED AND GETTING SHORTER, as he gets older??

    Thanks SO MUCH!!

  110. I was involved with a guy that I discovered was definite narc. He was classic DSM-IV, NPD all the way down. I am not exaggerating when I say this: It turned out that he had lied to me about virtually everything that he ever told me, and nothing that he ever told me was true, with the exception of what his name was.
    I was horrified to figure out that he was sociopath.
    I found out that was hitting on other girls throughout our entire relationship, while telling me he wanted to marry me. All the classic stuff these narcs guys do to try to keep you on the fishhook.
    At one point, he became physically violent, and I will call him “Scott.”
    I broke up with him temporarily. I did not know about hoovering at the time. So I kept getting sucked back in, with all the promises of “I will go to therapy” and all the rest of the typical hoovering techniques.
    He constantly talked marriage to me, but he couldn’t even afford to buy me a ring. He always had an excuse as to why he would not get a job. I have a house, and all that.
    I am absolutely sure that he wanted to con me into marrying him so that he could live off me. Due to all the other women he was involved with at the same time as me, I think he planned on marrying me, and then later, getting a divorce, so that he could get half of everything I made or had financially.
    When I dumped him, I was very specific. I calmly told him, “I will no longer tolerate your abuse. We had a deal. If you abused me, you were out of here. I have given you more than enough chances to stop abusing me. You clearly do not want to stop, so I am done with you. ”
    Of course, instead of apologizing for the abuse or the lies, Scott’s immediate response to my looking him in the eye, and telling him that I would no longer tolerate his abuse, was that he had the nerve to tell me that I “have no ethics,” and that I am a terrible person.
    I was entirely struck by the fact that he was really arrogant enough to believe that he was was entitled to stay in my house, live off of me, and to not pay for one thing, even though he was verbally abusing me, and pathologically lying to me about virtually everything in his entirely secret life, and carrying on with other women behind my back the entire time.
    However, I understood that narcs feel this odd entitlement, and they do not take responsibility for what they do wrong.
    The day after I broke up with him, he decided to start revenging me, by contacting a girlfriend of mine that he did not even know, via a Facebook message, in which he claimed to her that I have a drug problem—a claim that so ridiculous, I can’t even tell you!!!!
    Thankfully, my girlfriend knew me well enough to not believe it, and she hated him anyway, and kept asking me why I was so beautiful and successful at my career, but involves with “that fat lazy pathological liar pig.”
    Of course, when I contacted him about his smear campaign that he started, he vehemently denied that he had written that to her, even though I told him that I saw the message he wrote her, because she forwarded it to me.
    I ended the conversation by adamantly telling him to stay away from my friends.
    So that was the beginning of his revenge campaign.
    I understand about hoovering, so I do NOT respond to any of his hoovering attemps at re-connecting.
    He sends me texts and emails, as if nothing had happened, and I totally ignored them.
    He keeps sending me “nice” messages to try to trap me in again, but I have totally ignored him.
    Well, it gets creepier.
    Before I had ever even heard of him, there was a guy from WAY out state that SCott did not even know at ALL.
    I will call this other guy “Jack.” Jack was hung up on me ( or whatever it is that you call it when narcissists pretend to be in love with you to get narcissistic supply).
    Jack wrote me love letters, and he drunk dialed me for probably two years, telling me he loves me. I figured out he was a narc ( when I found out that he lied to me, and that he had a married girlfriend, and I found out from a friend, that in addition to his being a drug addict, that he ALSO had a criminal record that was a mile long, and that he was going to jail soon for grand theft.
    Of course, right before he got out of jail after year, he wrote me love letters from jail, asking me for money. I did not respond.
    I was horrified, and I just ignored his sexually explicit over-the-top emails, texts and phone calls, which started again, immediately after he got out of jail.
    Please help me sort this out!!!!!!!
    This next part is so weird:
    When I first got together with Scotty, he saw Jack’s profile, and Scott tried to friend him. I guess his name came up, because we had a few mutual friends.
    I told Scott not to friend Jack, and I sincerely said to him that I was worried that “he will con you in some way, because he has a criminal record for that.”
    I explained to him that Jack has a prison record that is a mile long, and one of my other girlfriends also told Jack the same thing on her own.
    Trying to “mirror” me, of course, he said he would “never friend anyone like that.” He told my girlfriend that, as well.
    Scott asked me if I was ever romantically involved with him. I told him no, and that I am not interested in the jailbird at all. I understand why now why he asked if I was involved with him, because Scott was easily jealous, because he had nothing to offer, except lies and abuse.
    The guy with the criminal record has still been Hoovering me for probably three years or more.
    I did not tell that to the pathological liar Scott, because I didn’t want any trouble, and because I was quickly finding out that he was a sociopath.
    Here is my question.
    They both are blocked from my Facebook, and they both still Hoover me.
    Jack kept sending me love letters and leaving love messages on my phone.
    His “love” messages recently went way too far sexually. So I texted Jack, and I told him to stop sending me these sexually explicit love messages.
    I told him I do not allow men to treat me in a disrespectful manner like that.
    He got a narcissistic injury, and he sent back an insult, and I haven’t heard from him for probably a month or two.
    But like I said, Jack had has sent me quite a few love letters and love texts, but I never got together with him.
    But now, as of last week, the pathological liar Scott, is suddenly now “friends” on Facebook with Jack, the career criminal.
    Knowing that Scott is obsessed with the free phone in FB, and he is still Hoovering me
    This is my question. …
    Why would Scott, who last hoovered me three weeks ago, “friend” a guy on Facebook that was ALSO hitting on me, and that I had warned him was a criminal?
    Why is Scott interested in Jack, who he knew has a crush on me, and that I warned him was a really bad guy?
    Is it so that he can get supply and pity and supply from him, because I dumped him?
    Or is it to spy on me? I do know that before we got together, Scott intensely “researched” me all through the Internet. To the point of bizarre.
    Or is his motivation to be in touch with Jack to brag to him that he got me in bed?
    Is it to get my attention? What is it?
    The guy lives many states away from him.

  111. It sounds like you have two men in your life that are very sociopathic in behavior. I can’t say what his motivates are for contacting the other guy, but it’s not good. It’s most likely to keep an eye on you, or on him. Either way, I think you best bet would be to block both of these guys, change your passwords on your computer, (in case the other guy knows them) and then make sure your settings on Facebook are set to your friends only. Also prepare yourself for “hoovering” http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/you-tube-video-on-hoovering/ Here is another video series that I think is really worth watching: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/youtube-video-playlist-on-narcissism/ (It’s the third list down called, “How to Avoid Dating of Befriending a Narcissist”.) Hope that helps!

  112. I get hundreds of messages a day, so email is not the best way to get ahold of me. I am, however, in my support groups everyday if you are interested in joining one of them: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum There are also many other people there too who are able to give support and feedback (generally around the clock). I hope to see you there! 🙂

  113. I just want to admit what caused my marriage was my actions that I actually was not aware at the time. I didn’t not realize until I lost my soul mate. The keywords that broke my “narc spell” when she said she didn’t love me anymore. I was devastated. Me looking back I was really a horrible person witch lead to suicidal tendency of thought. I was not a narc at first. I was truly a free positive spirt at first (along time before) like she was. We truly loved eachother. Overtime I didn’t realize I slowly changed to a narc for some reason. After our separation I look back and looked at the causes (what I did) “verbal,etc,all” I did to her. The true guilt of my narc personality of the past really haunted me bad. I’ve became an alcoholic cause I’ve felt a lot of pain of my lost of my soulmate and my actions I did to loose her. I pushed her away. Bad. So I would beat my self down harshly with alcohol to forget what I’ve done. (My guilt) me looking back the 14months of my slump. I slowly got convicted to better myself by mind and spirituality. I’m now aware of narcissism. I’m making slow progress of my personality and with others. I feel really bad of my 3year narc self how I treated or miss treated my ex wife. Most won’t admit but I do admit I was a narcissist. I’m looking for more cures of this disorder cause I did not had this before my marriage.

  114. My ex fiancé of 7 years is a narc & he has broken my nose twice without ever being arrested because the police took his side,even though they had no proof of anything he said & obvious proof my face was bashed in.He basically calmly portrayed me as crazy & said I fell & they chose to go with that,never took my statement or photographs of my injuries,but….when I called the police after he assaulted me yet again,(I stayed since I wasn’t working,had nowhere to go or support from law enforcement & my family)he lied to them & said that I hit him,when he actually put me in a headlock for yelling at him.I told the police that he had a history of abuse & even showed them the pictures I took in the hospital of my broken face the last time they were called & all the police said was “we must not of had enough evidence to arrest him” & “if he did that why didn’t you leave?”Another also said to my ex “she’s just trying to get revenge on you”for breaking my nose!They also took photos of him even though he had absolutely no injuries (because he was lying)just this fake petrified poor me look on his face & like I mentioned the police never took one photograph of me & my injuries the last time he assaulted me & they were severe.After this I can obviously no longer trust the police,My family is also very selfish.I never knew what narcissism was until after I was abused by my ex so badly,I began to research my situation but I do see narcissistic traits run in my family.They only want to be in my life when things are going good but run for the hills when there not.Some have even said “so he broke your nose twice big deal get over it & take care of yourself”(this was coming from a stay at home mom who hadn’t worked in over 15 yrs)All the rest of my family said your an adult you have to help yourself & never said what he did was bad or that’s terrible nothing.I don’t see that as a normal response to abuse.I don’t know what to do because anymore because I have cptsd,depression & agoraphobia I can’t function without crying or having a panic attack & I haven’t ben able to get any help at all other then researching about narcissistic abuse & forums.I can’t imagine going through this alone anymore because I’m not getting anywhere.I want to know if I should I keep contact with my family after they all told me to deal with it myself when I needed them?its hard because if I don’t talk to them I literally have nobody at all.Its sad that I basically have to settle for abuse to avoid being completely alone especially when it comes to my family.I would appreciate any advice on how this situation can be resolved or anything I can do to get the support I need outside of the forums?

  115. Dana, I am a 58 year old man who has been listening to you. In my youth I was quite narcissistic, I have been discovering. The only way a person can be delivered from that condition is to be deeply hurt and terribly stripped. I know this from my own experience. I am a man with faith in the Lord God, and I give Him all the glory for changing my heart. Years ago I saw how I was, and I hated it. It drove me to my knees to ask Him to do what it took to make me the man He wanted. Well, He answered that prayer by allowing my life to go to spoil and thus humble me. I thank God for what you are doing. Oh, by the way, you are very beautiful! David

  116. Thank you for sharing part of your story (and thank you for the compliment!) A certain level of Narcissism is normal, and in many ways part of our emotional development. Where it becomes problematic is when our level of self-centeredness is so all cosuming that we are hurting others in order to get what we want. I’m really glad that you have been able to sand down your rough edges and become a good man. Yay you! 🙂

  117. I’m still struggling inside wether or not my ex is a narcissist.

    He broke up with me via text and before hand he would do a Jekyl and Hyde like call pattern. He’d call me saying he just wanted to hear my voice and three days later go off on me…this was the pattern. I would have delt with it differently but having him talk about what underlying issues connected to events, beyond vague statements is like pulling teeth. We were long distance half our relationship. One particular conversation was after he had called “just to hear my voice…” In between last talking to him my grandfather passed and I was there with him and I believe helped him pass, so I texted my boyfriend of 10 years at the time to say I ha something important to tell him. He called the next day and started yelling at me. I told him wait, wait, I texted that to tell you grandpa passed away..and before I could finish he told me I used that to cut him off and hung up on me. I texted him,”you know you just told me I used a family members death to cut me off…”

    He could never have a normal conversation with me it was either passivity or a big blow out. Now let me state last I had seen him at that point was 6 months prior which when I left I told him I didn’t want to leave him an was crying..he told me not to cry because he would be down in two weeks. A month later right after Valentines Day I was soo depressed with all that had been going on, battling legally my management to get rid of bedbugs that spread from another’s apartment, not sleeping because of it, my Dad almost dying ending up in the hospital for a month then my grandfather I didn’t have the strength to argue or question his Jekyl and Hyde…and I had been waiting soo long for him to show. VDay comes and he video chats me showing me all the cool stuff he’d been doing in his shop (this was after my grandfather passing, no apologies and I wrote off him being like this because he’s gettin off one of his mental meds)…I was tired at that point and didn’t even realize it was VDay until he asked if he could get right back to me and I saw the date on my phone. I called back later saying happy valentines and he read me an anti-VDay poem, saying how it was corporate and stupid. All this time he’s showing off what he’s doing (he’s well off, excuse after excuse why he couldn’t come down yet, when I’ve taken greyhounds and planes to see him but he refuses to and always must drive) I told him after that poem I didn’t want to speak..he asked what’s the matter which I thought would just lead to another fight, and I never understood why he seemed soo okay without me. I texted him I don’t want to speak and he texted me back,”I never want to speak to you again.” And that was it…

    I thought our breakup was all my fault. After that year I took to drinking wine every night….I know that was wrong and since have stopped.

    He gets ahold of me almost a year to the day of the breakup and tells me,”You hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that.” and my heart skipped, almost exploded and on for 3 weeks of jokes, him being cute, sending me pics of his life, I love you, I’ll always be in love with you, I miss you on Christmas until New Years I sent him pics of a special place we went to holding hands at night where you could see all the city. He wrote back,”Love the pics ;-)”….then silence for 2 weeks. Also may I add I was talking with a friend who is once removed from him. An old best friend that has taken his side in things. She told me two weeks after the final text that he’s move on and has a gf. I freaked out and texted him,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission.” THAT is when he finally replied saying,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!! All I meant is in happy you’ve moved on because I have! And yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice. That I carpet bombed him with messages and that it’s NEVER going to happen!!!!”

    I went into a deep deep depression after that and was sent by my psychologist a month later to a crisis center. I decided to try calling him one more time because the cognitive dissonance in my head was really messing with me. He answered and hung up then started video chatting me. I asked him why he was video chatting me now and he said because he was worried about me….
    Things advanced and he told me he was no longer dating the girl because,”she used me, she was younger.” Which I think was a dig but he also told me how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that dated once and found eachother 10 years later.
    He told me he was paranoid I might be using him a few weeks later.

    I asked him later about saying he was still in love with me and he told me,”I must have meant it then.”…….

    He told me how I have cycles, which I took to heart and admitted I did…and then told me,”you can only keep promises others let you keep.” This he told me right after I got into the crisis center….

    Later told me,”he knows he did some stuff wrong but he’s not the kind of person to punch walls.”

    After years of long distance I did admit making out with a few friends when drunk but walking away from it. I felt terrible about it and this was when he said everyone was telling him I fucked around on him. I felt terrible about it but has written it off as me walking away and nothing close to sex. That was for me and him…. and this probably is justification but I was angry. Never knowing when he’d call me back, when I’d see him next…..ect….for years of him promising it would be him and I, sleeping with my phone hoping he’d call and it being dead in the morning. He got really upset and yelled,”I could never do that to you! How would you feel?” and at that point I got upset. Years waiting, 10 year relationship, the longest he dissapeared no notice was 3 months, after lying to me and this after he said he was coming back for me. After 3 months and he popped back up I went right back to him….because of what he’d been through but we never talked indepth.

    He ended up at the end of us talking after that year, yelling at me saying he was a beaten dog, I brainwashed him, the entire 10 years was shit!!!

    During the last time we spoke all he talked about was his new life, his new friends, and would often cut out my opinion by trumping mine with the thoughts of one of his new friends. When I finally asked him why he didn’t tell me about the gf he said to me,”You can’t even ask me how my day is going, and you don’t let me speak!!!” Which I told him if he had anything he wanted to talk about I would always set the time aside for him the other times he interrupted me trying to actually get to our issues and I’d never get to my point which when I protested he would tell me I didn’t let HIM talk when he had no interest in what I had to say, woukd jump to conclusions before I could conclude. So this time asking why he didn’t tell me about the gf and just disappeared and replied how he did I said,”Okay, maybe what I’m feeling is from you, it’s all about you now then. I’m here to listen.” An entire month goes by and he gets weirder and weirder….after him saying he was coming down to see me, not once but twice, once before a wedding he was conducting and once after near my birthday. Of course right before that was supposed to happen he texts me,” This was an exceptionally bad idea, I’m done!! I’m off to marry Ben and Alesha!!” Ruined my birthday…and on my birthday when I finally texted him he just texted “Merry Birthday ;-).” And starts telling me how he got texts all day because it was actually his other friends birthday too….

    This and soo many other things….hitting in me continually and I hate to say this here but he would say,”stuff only your vagina knows…” Other stuff….and when phone sex actually happened after a few days of hitting on me he starts giving me a lecture on empathy!!!

    And like I said, my heart broke even more…screaming at me at the end I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself, all that time and only now is he getting over it!! The 10 years was shiit!!!!

    It’s hard to reconcile this person with the person I was in love with and to think he orchestrated all of this…..Did he know??!! This is what he believes….after soo much time invested.

    When I first met him he was there for everything and I was my best friend. He seemed to understand me, taught me to ride a motorcycle, we had such a connection I thought. But I noticed it was never equal. He ran home to his parents for anything serious…would tell me he was okay and then later say how I wasn’t there for him when that’s all I wanted.

    One last thing he said to me after videochat ring me for 6 months until he bailed again,”You’re the only one I can really talk to…who understands me but..I finally realized I’m smarter than most people.”

    Someone please tell me if this is narcissism. He’s always doing things for people, even after our relationship was over but we were trying or I was….I feel like he just came back to rub his new life in my face and tell me how horrible I am. Even after he told me he’d do anything for me….he dropped me again with no deep conversation ever happening. I said how I was scared to get my heart broken again…and he screamed at me,”your heart!! You broke my fucking heart!!” Nothing I said was listened to, no questions answered….and I gave him a full month without him having to answer the question about why he didn’t tell me about the gf…..because he said I don’t let him talk…No depth, mixed messages, more than I can type here. Everything he promised we’d do together he’s doing with his new group. I waited years for him and this “us” to happen and feel horribly cheated..but I thought maybe he was just from a different world. I looked up to him, loved him and well, feel like I lost a lot of time.

    He told me he bullied a girl who came into a cafe him and his friends were at. She was trying to barter jewlery she made. He got up and told her that he would barter if she could do something useful!! Can you do dry wall, plumbing? Anything useful?!! After teeming her out he got his friends to laugh at her.

    He also told me quite aggresively how he had a dream of a girl running towards him and other friends that were armed like they where on the front lines and she had a six shooter at her side. He said quite aggressively,”I didn’t even hesitate to shoot her in the fucking heart!!!! And as she fell he caught her and said “I love you..” While all her blood went into his circulatory system. So I said to him after a lengthy psycho-analysis, told him he has a really good part to him but he has a side that’s quite vengeful. He admitted and said,”yes..” I then admitted that sometimes I felt like that girl and he curtly replied,”The girl wasn’t you.” And then proceeded to tell me how his other new friend had a better interpretation of “new beginnings..”

    He was generous towards me, gifts, trips, but always in control. A fight might happen then he’d run, buy me a kitten, whatever. I didn’t care about that though…I felt kept out and put aside. Is this narcissism??

  118. Based on what you’ve said, this definitely sounds like Narcissistic behavior, as it’s blindly self-centered. At a minimum it’s abusive behavior, which is reason enough to not be in a relationship with someone.

  119. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You can heal from this.

    There are many other people out there who are going through this–and everything you are describing with how you feel is 100% normal, abnd how all of us tend to feel when these relationships end. If you haven’t already joined the support group, I strongly encourage you to do so: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  120. Hi Adrian,

    I just now saw this message! Thank you so much for your offer to help out. I’ll have to think about what stuff I need help with and then get back to you. I’m sure I’ll catch you on the next live stream, so I’ll see ya then! 🙂

  121. Yes, the partners do often resort to coping in any number of ways, including drinking, drugs, and/or cheating. It’s their way of trying to make the best of an abusive situation–especially if they don’t realize they are being abused.

  122. I just walked away from my narcissist relationship.
    I need help!
    So far I went into Detox, hospital, a women’s recovery center and back to the hospital. I tried to take my life.I still went back for more abuse.
    Yesterday was the end of it. I had a very angry outburst.

    I need help.

  123. Here is a link to the support group: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum I highly recommend you join a few different support groups, in order to see which one is the best fit for you. …I know that these relationships are intense, but please Tracy, it is not worth taking your life over. If you feel suicidal, please call 911 and get help. I know things probably feel really bad and low right now–but they won’t always be this bad, and these feelings won’t last forever. You may also want to see if there’s a domestic violence shelter near you that can help with a place to stay and/or some therapy. (((BIG HUGS))) to you. Don’t give up. Things can turn around. You matter.

  124. It’s hard to get support from people who have never been through an abusive relationship, as they just don’t understand it–it’s not that they are necessarily bad people–they just don’t get it, and I’m sorry to say that they probably will never get it. I think what most of us tend to do is to only talk to supportive people about what we went through, and then talk about a different topic with those that don’t understand. I encourage you to contact your local domestic violence center and see if there is anything they can do to help as far as therapy and/or to help you develop a plan to leave (if that’s the goal). And continue to reach out to for support in the various support groups you are in. You aren’t alone in this. There are many others out there who are in the same boat. I sincerely hope that you are able to move towards all the health, healing, and happiness possible. (((hugs)))

  125. They tend to get worse with age, because over time (and over a pattern of ongoing problematic behavior) they know what their partner will tolerate–so their behavior tends to get worse and worse, while their partner starts putting up with more and more. …Here are my notes from our book club book for December 2015 called, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/forum/Thread-Book-club-book-for-December It was a great book, and in it she gave many strategies to help set boundaries with verbally abusive people. (((hugs)))

  126. HI. I watch a lot of your YouTube videos and I’m glad there is a way that I can communicate to you… first of all I think u are beautiful and when I am feeling down and out. I watch your videos and feel a sense of calm.

    I have been with what I believe to be a narc for 2 years now . I’ve done so much reaserch that I am convinced he is one. he is extremely abusive to me mentally , verbally he constantly puts me down and there has been some physically things happen too.
    I’ve caught him so many times talking to other women… cheating. more then I can count now.
    I’ve spent sleepless night crying because I feel so lost.
    I always go back, I feel so manipulated and trapped. the times I’ve tried to let go.. like ignoring him for days. he freaks out and will text me , call me. threaten to hurt himself. lie about the most insane things. like his truck getting hit by a semi….and his truck is destroyed but yet he is okay

    the times I’ve talked to other women about him.. all the lies he told them. and when I confronted him. he tried to pretend that did happen or it was the women lying to me. or he couldn’t remember what happened.

    since I met him. my life has been chaotic , constant up and downs. no stability
    but yet I can’t seem to leave. I feel this insane pain when I try too. I question my sanity… maybe I’m crazy. maybe I’m the one who has done so much wrong

    two nights ago. he was acting strange… wouldn’t talk to me on the phone at night for long. like we always do… he called and said I called to say goodnight babe I love u
    I had a strong feeling in my gut that something was not right. I said something about it. instantly he got on the defence and called me names. like always.. childish and annoying
    I ended up going to bed. only to hear from him at 230pm the next day. again calling me names because I was texting him throughout the day wondering where he was…. and why I had no heard from
    him . no explanation … just a mean cold man calling me names. so I stopped talking bevause I feel like whatever I say.. if he doesn’t like it. I get attacked for it .
    I sent him a text that day in the evening. saying I can’t handle the lies anymore.
    he laughed at me and said I will never hear from him again…
    (which he had said many times before)
    but this time… he has ignored me completely. won’t respond to my texts. won’t return my phone calls. it’s only been a day.
    but I’m just sick over it. wondering what he’s doing. apologizing for my behaviour… just a mess
    I know I didn’t do anything. yet I find myself apologizing and suffering.

    maybe he is truly done this time and I won’t hear from him.. and that will be for the best. but hear I am in complete pain… wondering what I’ve done so wrong.

    I just need support. someone to clear my mind….

  127. After my first attempt at no contact (this is how crazy hoovering can get) would always show up that this regular karaoke venue without fail. He knew I loved to sing and that I loved going to this place. Well, not only did/does he repeatedly go, he started friending my friends on Facebook. He would sing the song that I originally sang when he first met me, and when I stopped going for a while and my best friends were there he even “photobombed” one of my friends selfies. Seriously. Then, the next attempt was to text me and ask me to go to the same venue. No contact means BLOCKING this person completely out of your life. I blocked him from my phone, blocked him from Facebook now and I am starting to free myself. What these narcissistic people crave is a reaction from you. I remember telling this jerk how much I loved this performing singer in town… He says, “she seems like a show-off to me.” Well, what does he do…? He starts raving about her on Facebook, attending her performances and tries to get her on his college radio show. That’s how sick hoovering can get. Don’t be fooled folks. It’s all a game to be sucked back in and mistreated all over again.

  128. Hi Nicky,

    I’m glad you are finding my videos helpful. You are so not alone in how you are feeling–I think what you are experiencing with this whole emotional roller coaster is something that we all go through in these types of relationships. …If you haven’t already checked out the support group, you may want to as I think you’ll find it helpful to read stories from others as well as to get validation on your own: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

    Here is a link to a video that I think you might find helpful: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/dating-a-narcissist/

    …What you are describing with him going quiet is a form of the silent treatment. It’s what manipulative people do to prove a point, and it’s also what they tend to do when they are lining up additional sources of “supply” (aka cheating).

    Here is a link to several articles and videos on “hoovering.” I think you will gain a lot of clarity from reading about this: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/?s=hoovering

    And then here is a link on an article I wrote about the cycle of a Narcissistic Relationship that I also think will really help: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/

    (((hugs))) to you. You aren’t alone in this, and you can recover. I encourage you to stay as busy as you can during all this, and to try and “ween” yourself off of him by getting out and doing things that you enjoy. There is a great website out there called http://www.meetup.com where you can (for free) meet up with people and do free or low cost fun things. Part of that “addicted” feeling you have comes from making him your whole life (I’ve done it too, so I’m not judging). When we do this, and that person leaves, all we feel is this big void–and oftentimes we mistake that feeling of loss as love–it’s not. Love is based on respect, honesty, and compassion. This man doesn’t seem to have any of those qualities. …You may also want to look into some CODA (codependency anonymous) groups in your area. They are also free, and meet on a regular basis, and are often VERY healing and therapeutic–and a great place to meet others who have “been there, done that”.

    (((hugs))) to you. <3

  129. Hello, I would like your opinion if you think that I will never hear back from my ex-narcissist BF. Last thing that I got from him was a text reading WOW, but right b4 that wow the day b4 he had sent me a pic of himself. I didn’t respond to the pic, so I guess is why I got the wow text, Here’s my last text to him, & that was this January 27.

    Wow what ?

    You got amnesia &
    you don’t know who this is, ReMember ?
    You obviously don’t want me
    I’m too old for games, & I see that is your thing, those childish ignoring games…….

    And you aren’t man enough to talk to me about any of it
    Things get rough, you run away like a baby.
    I need a real man that will stand by me.

  130. It’s hard to say if you will ever hear from him again. If I were you, I’d anticipate that you probably will, and then keep your emotional guard up around him in case that happens. Of course, it helps to block him across all channels and maybe even start a new Facebook/email account and/or get a new phone number if you don’t even want the possibility of him contacting you. Here is a link to info on hoovering: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/?s=hoovering I hope it will help for you to familiarize yourself with how they operate so you don’t fall for his tricks anymore.

  131. HI daina I’ve never had to turn to a support group before but what happend to my children and I has been eating at me I have been following your YouTube I just finished the red flags and my soon to be ex wife shows alot of the flags I’m just wondering about obsession this woman does just that she obsesses over a guy to a maddening extreme I mean it’s happened about four or five times since her and I started our relationship and I hear she did the same thing about me and the hard part for me to understand it seems to be guys that truly dislike her like the way her and myself met I did not like her at all and that was 13 years ago this time then she would seemingly stock guys now I was with her for six years and she had a son with another man before her and I started but the hardest part is she just left him alone with our other 2 children with out a care she has only been gone three months and goes three weeks to a month with no contacted with them I mean the abuse that I went though pales in comparison to what the kids went through behind my back

  132. I’m sorry that you and your children have gone through so much with your ex. There are many men (and children) out there who have suffered abuse at the hands of female abusers, so please just know that you are not alone in this. The link to the support group (if you haven’t already made you way over there is: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum)

    To answer your question about her obsessing over different partners–yes, this is VERY common and big trait among most abusive people. Initially, most people view this as them being “persistent” and often misinterpret it as proof of love–it’s not. Abusive people obsess/stalk/hang on to different people solely because they are trying to keep power and control over the other person and over the situation.

    Abusive people do not handle losing power and control well AT ALL. This is why victims of them are at the greatest risk of danger when they go to leave, because their leaving means that the abuser loses power and control over them and the situation–and they can’t stand that.

    If she is abusing or neglecting your children, then I encourage you to keep a paper trail of what she’s doing, meaning keep all of her texts, emails, and voice mails showing what she’s doing. If you can take pictures of abuse or neglect, do that too. It is possible for men to get custody, but it can take a lot of proof that she’s an unfit mother to have that happen.

  133. that’s one weird thing she is not wanting the children at all its like they really don’t exist to her anymore witch also confuses me because of supply i have started an investigation on her for the abuse on the children but that fell through but cps and the detective with the local police both agree that the children are better off with me there has not been much in the way of hoovering she tried I have important mail for you and I did allow her to drop it off and see the kids but I went gray rock even when she was trying to dig and push my buttons I just want to tell you that because of you I could see through her lies when she was here and there where alot of them it’s because of your videos I’m soo much stronger than I was thank you for all your work

  134. I’m one of those big strong guys who just found out that 12 years of his life does not exist. The system is geared towards women and that’s understandable but I don’t know if I’m the first man was going to this and want to know where the support is what questions to ask it how to feel because what I feel is not what I want to think it’s just not me it feels not normal.

  135. I am so glad my info is helping! …I will be starting a series soon on codependency and understanding why we attract and are attracted to these kinds of people, so stay tuned for that! (It will be on YouTube as well, and will be called, “The Red Flags of a Codependent.” (((HUGS))) to you. <3

  136. Brief as I can be:
    I wouldn’t know where to even begin. All new to me. A man I met and fell in love with made certain to tell me he had plenty of friends ( women ) that he was very very close to. I questioned him on whether that meant he was sexual with them- he said ‘no’. I asked what he meant and to help me understand what he meant by ‘very close’- to which he responded ,’You’d (me) not like what I do with my friends. Pretty much no clear answer followed my soon to be repetitive question ( based on his very very busy schedule ).
    Not to mention he’d asked me early on in the relationship if I wanted to be on an open relationship ( a first ever for me here)- to which I responded with a clear no. This prompted me to ask him if he wanted an open relationship – he mirrored my answer saying, ‘no’ and that he asked me because he thought it would’ve been good for me. Sigh. What a red flag. What a fool ( me). Sigh.

    Now, the for the grand finale- he has shown signs of taken interest in my sister. And has gas lighted me horribly with their life ( he and hers ).
    An arrow in my heart. Never felt such a wound. I have no choice any longer. I must wish their happiness and move on. Painstakingly. Which I’m sure he enjoys. Never thought this to him. Speechless. And, alone.

  137. Brief as I can be:
    I wouldn’t know where to even begin. All new to me. A man I met and fell in love with made certain to tell me he had plenty of friends ( women ) that he was very very close to.

    Fine, just I asked him to explain what he meant by ‘close’. With that he went in to say that, ‘you’d ( me) not like what I ( him) do with my ( his) friends. Hmmm…no clear answer from said gentleman was followed by my soon to be repetitive question ( based on his evasive answers and his very very busy schedule resulting in no time to really answer).
    Not to mention he’d asked me early on in the relationship if I wanted to be in an open relationship ( a first ever for me here)- to which I responded with a clear ‘no’. This of course prompted me to ask him if he wanted an open relationship – he mirrored my answer saying, ‘no’ and said that he asked me only because he thought it would’ve been a good thing for ME. Not him. Sigh. What a red flag. What a fool ( me). Sigh.

  138. Hindsight is always 20/20. It’s amazing the red flags we gloss over when we first get into a relationship. I have for sure glossed over a ton as well. There is a saying that I came across the other day that said, “Lies taste good to a hungry heart.” This is so true. I’ve been there as well. I’m so glad you are out of this relationship. This man would have brought you nothing but continued hurt and heartache. (((HUGS)))

  139. Oh wow, how horrible. I am so sorry. What on Earth is your sister thinking?! Arg.

    Please consider joining our support group: Support Group There’s lots of people in there, and you can vent, and get feedback and support while you are going through this. (((HUGS)))

  140. How does a narcissist feel if he is shown mirror to his awful behavior and character…and mistreatment he gave and then closing the doors to him after asking him to Go F**k yourself…after saying so i went no contact and blocked him on d chat tool we used. He send sms message wishing my daughter good health etc….yet i didnt budge. How does narcissist take such a treatment and such harsh words being said to them? Would he still hover?

  141. Do you or does anyone know of an experience therapist in the Miami and Lake Worth, Fla., areas that has reasonable rates, and/or accepts insurance? Thank y’ALL!

  142. Hi there. I met this ‘amazing’ guy only 8 weeks ago. He seemed like my dream man…very attractive, very attentive, very charming etc. Within 3 weeks I began to notice odd behaviours which didn’t match the guy I thought I’d met. My intuition kept telling me something was wrong but I kept making excuses. I saw a post on a social media site about signs of a narcissist and on reading it most of the signs matched my guy. I keep wondering if he really is a narcissist or if I got it wrong but then I think about things he has said and done. Is it possible to figure out a narcissist so soon? I cut contact with him 3 days ago. Its not easy! 🙁

  143. thank you for all this informstion im currently scouring the internet for answers and watching yiur youtube videos you are a blessing

  144. What a huge eyeopener I am still binge watching your 50 redflags on youtube and im on 25 im dealing w a classic covert narcissist thank you for taking your time to do all of this…as hurt as I am these videos make me feel so
    much better because at least now it makes sense what ive been dealing with…

  145. So now that I am aware that I was with a narcissistic abuser. I am away and healing. I love your videos…Will I ever have great sex again? Can healthy men give us satisfaction? You compared them at 2, while you gave the narcissist men a 10.

    Thanks

  146. I’m glad my videos are helping. Clarity brings about a lot of pain, but it’s also the start of healing too. <3 If you haven't already joined the support group, you might want to consider doing so as it's full of helpful people who have "been there, done that." (((HUGS))) Support Group

  147. Made a huge mistake tonight. Heard a song on TV that only him and I would relate to. You probably think I’m crazy, but I’ve been talking to a physic. She told me to send it, so J did. It’s been 8 weeks since the split, we have a 2 years old daughter.
    His family are terrible people, period. And I’m sure he has told them lies too.he works out if town for a living and his mom wants my daughter every other weekend! She doesn’t even know my kid! She won’t even meet me at the park so I’ll feel more comfortable. Her son, may ex, is a mommy’s boy and she manipulates him so badly. Court is coming up and going to be a hard day to get through. She doesn’t deserve time with my 2 year old, she just wants to win, per say. She didn’t even know how to get to my house and we have lived there 3 years!!
    Anyways, my heart has started to heal and I had a weak moment tonight. I’m hoping this song and message doesn’t push me to far back. It was the moment I froze in time for him. I’m sure he won’t mention it, maybe be mean…who knows. Advice needed please.
    Trust me, here is way more. Just will type it up later
    Thank you for what u do

  148. I think most of us have had those moments of weakness where we’ve either thought about reopening communication with our ex, or have actually done it. But as you know, reopening communication with a destructive person is never a good idea, as they will only bring further destruction if you let him back into your life.

    Keep a paper trail of what his family is doing that is so awful (so texts, voicemails, emails, etc.–try to avoid conversations that you can’t prove–like in person conversations or over the phone). This way you can show a judge what’s going on.

    …I also strongly encourage you to look within for the answers that you seek–and not to a psychic or anyone else–because deep down you know what is the right thing to do for you and your daughter. Follow your gut, and always err on the side of caution. (((HUGS)))

  149. The reason narcissists are often so great in bed is because they are trying hard to be our perfect partner–they are putting on a performance. Great sex (even better sex) after a narcissist is totally possible, it just takes finding the right person that you have a sincere connection and great communication with. <3

  150. I think my case is a little unusual and I have not heard of anything like it.
    My ex was 43 female. I’m male 2 years older. We met online. She was a recovered alcoholic for 18 months. Spent a lifetime however of alcoholism and drugs. She was a Hollywood type. Dated famous people. Stunningly beautiful. Here’s the rub We first met, she knew I liked beer. I’m not a drunk but am more like a conisuer. I will enjoy a couple from time to time but will not get drunk. This was ok as long as I didn’t drink in front of her. We had an agreement.
    Well things took off. I was love bombed. I was the greatest ever. First flag. She did tell me I must pay for all things at all times. I complied. She was very sweet and kind however. One day when I was deeply feeling in love and her the same she randomly stated I could never again have a drink. Even in my own home or abroad. I had to choose. An ultimatum. I was stunned but I chose her. Weeks later feeling a bit resentful I had a beer with pizza and told her. I was immediately discarded. This from a woman who stated she wanted to marry me a week earlier. Talked of our future. She turned extremely cold. Like a different person. As if I had committed the most vile crime against her possible. I pleaded I loved her. She responded, I’m honored and hung up. That was the last we spoke until I randomly ran into her 6 mo later. When I did, she told me she was getting married. She stated they met a month after we broke up. He was amazing. A professor at a well known university. All unsolicited. I was shocked. I told her it seemed she cheapened our relationship. She just stared at me with a smirk and said, it was what it was.
    I was shocked. The last night we were together she was professing her love and how she could never stand to be without me for a day. However I was instantly discarded and treated coldly with one infraction. Forget I was a loving, caring and honest man. Forget all my great traits. In one fell swoop it all meant nothing. In fact I was forth coming about my beer with pizza. I suspect she was a narcissist but there was really no devalue stage. Just straight discard. I am also clear this guy was In the picture the whole time. I think she set up the ultimatum as a sure way to destroy the relationship. Your thoughts?
    from James’ iPhone

    Sent from James’ iPhone

  151. Hi James,

    At a minimum, this woman’s behavior sounds incredibly problematic. Anyone who runs that hot and cold, and who goes from wanting to marry you to wanting nothing to do with you over something small like you having a beer when you are out to dinner without her, has a problem. Especially her not wanting to talk about it and then moving on so fast. Imagine what your life would have been like had you stayed together! Any slight infraction of offense and she would have left. You would have been walking on eggshells the whole time, and that’s no way to live. …I know you are upset and hurt by her sudden discard, but you really dodged a bullet with her.

  152. Hi, I was given up for adoption when I was 2 weeks old, and in a foster home until three months old. I was adopted by a narcissist mother, enabling abusive father, and my two older brothers who were not adopted were the golden children. My oldest brother is a enabler and my other brother is a Sociopath. By age 5 I was crowned the scapegoat. I was abused my ENTIRE life, and not just by my immediate family, by the entire family, cousins, aunts, uncles, and it didn’t stop there. I was abused by children in school and have has one relationship and friendship after another with narcissists. When I was 7, my adopted narcissist mother tried to give me back to the adoption agency, and she did this in front of me. Although I have done a lot of healing work, I didn’t realize until recently just how deep all.of this is inside of me. That day with her, I learned to abandon myself. I remeber like it was yesterday feeling terrified that I would be sent away. I went to my mother for comfort which resulted in comforting her. There is a lot more to the story, however for now I’ll just say that I need help! I went to a therapist last year who specialized in narcissistic abuse, and quickly realized that she was a Sociopath herself. I can see them all around me know, and my entire life of pain makes sense now. It’s like living in quicksand. Dana, can you help! I’m beyond willing to heal, and my life at this point depends on it. ♡

  153. I’m currently trying to figure out what to do.. I had lived with a narcissist for almost 4 years. Physical/emotional and mental abuse. Everything you’ve talked about like it’s a ducking handbook they have. I ended up being the primary bread winner and still treated him like a kind. Cooking, cleaning. Anything he’d do I had an excuse for. I try to laugh about it because I don’t know how I could’ve been so dumb!!! It’s been about 7 months now since he left. Has tried to contact with me after in which I was again replying here and there. I went to the obgyn and found out he gave me an std. Hes the only person i had been with since the last time i was checked and came out clean. I still dont know eho it is.. and i again didn tell him abiut it. I juat wanted to be done. I low key got all my stuff and moved out to another place in the city. My final message to him was just that I had left his stuff with his dad. He scares the fuck out of me even now it can be confused with respect.. I told him I didn’t want to have any contact with him. He’s never apologized for anything he’s done. Not like a normal narc. At least their guys would say sorry.. it was always my fault. Never seen him sad.. or cry. Never took me out. When we first started dating he bought a boy dog and me a girl dog so they could have mates.. they ended up falling in love and having puppies and after we broke up it was agreed that I’d keep them because I have a place and he was going to stay with people. He’s 8 years older than me. He asked to call me so that he can talk to his dog.. -_- and I never answered to his request. Our birthdays are only 6 days apart and I didn’t message him or call him on his birthday. But he called me on mine. I didn’t answer. I don’t have any contact with anyone that know him. I’m trying to think before any move I make.. I did reply which I’m reaping the consequences now.. he’s contacted me again telling me he wants to now “see” his dog next month. First a phone call is one thing but now he wants to actually see him. I don’t believe he even remembers this narc! He told me he understands my silent treatment and I’m just “acting my age” which was a mindfuck for me for 4 years because his imply of that as an excuse, however I was acting was ‘not ok’. He told me I was disrespecting him and he didn’t think I was the type of girl who would keep him from seeing their kids. Dude we don’t have kids. They’re the closest thing I have to kids but they are not his kids.. I feel now like he did this on purpose to always have that chain on me. He sent me about 80 pictures after that from the past years. When the puppies were babies and a lot of when I’m sleeping… idk what the fuck.. I’m not a vengeful person and I’ve been trying to forgive him in which for I’ve considered myself to. The only thing I get upset about time to time is that I’m no longer the person I was and what I loved being. I was outgoing and I had a love for everyone.. I didn’t care what people thought and just wanted.to do everything life offered.. coming out of this I feel like I’m relearning. Reprogramming myself to get back to that point. I used to do everything with myself like go to festivals and dinner and concerts and now I feel like I don’t even want to go to the grocery store.. I went to a concert a lone and a party so I’m trying but I always have that regression. I was starting to feel better about myself and then it’s like he knows that so he has to contact me somehow and ruin it..he said he hoped I wasn’t “under someone else’s thumb” he said that because I’m not answering I’m disrespecting him. And because I’m doing that he’d have to disrespect me as well.. he wanted to have a civil and peaceful break up but if he had to he can make it unpleasent.. he knows where my parents live. I don’t want a restraining order I don’t want to throw gasoline on the fire.. idk what to do. Worst of all too I started dreaming of him and the affection I had toward him but I dont! I will never go back with this psychopath. I feel so twisted. What should I do??? He also said he didn’t care if he saw me he just wants to see the dog.. please help..

  154. Im a man who has been a victim of a woman who, based on the info and the red flags, is a narcissist. Everything points directly to it and my problem is that though i see the ways in which she has and at times continues to manipulate me, i cant break free of my deeply rooted desire to be with her. I feel like a shell of a man without her. Ive given into the way she wwants things to be but as soon as i do she bails anyways. ALMOST as if me giving her what she wants isnt what she wants. I feel totally hopeless and often find myself questioning why im even still alive. Can somebody help me?

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