Episode 3 of the “Ask a Question” Show: How to “Get Over” a Narcissistic Partner

FAQs about Narcissists

In this episode James asks how to “get over” his ex-finance who is a Narcissist. They’ve been broken up now for 8 months, and he still can’t seem to move forward. His friends are sick or hearing about her, but he can’t seem to stop talking about her. He knows it’s a problem, but he doesn’t know what to do.

I give James my response, and I hope that you’ll give yours too in the comments down below. Let’s see if we can help give him some idea on how to move forward. So please share any ideas, or what’s worked for you!

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, doctor, attorney, or expert in Narcissism…or anything at all really.

I am, however, a former advocate of victims of domestic violence, a former victim of Narcissistic abuse, and am currently a psychiatric nurse.

I’m on a personal mission to share all my lessons learned from highly manipulative, dangerous, and destructive people in order to help YOU get all the clarity, closure, and healing YOU need in order to avoid, and recover from, these kinds of people.

I encourage you to trust your own judgment when taking any advice (not just ours), as only you your situation the best. Hold onto what you find helpful, and then leave the rest.

(((hugs))) to you.
* I am moving away from using the term “Narcissist” as I find it only seems to add a tremendous amount of confusion to things–not to mention there’s a very solid chance the word will be removed from the DSM here in the near future. Instead, I want people to focus on what matters, and that is the behaviors of people that I’m now referring to as “manipulative, dangerous and destructive people”.
Remember: You are not crazy. You are not alone. And yes, you really can heal from this.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Frustrations? Ideas? Need some support? Just want to say hi? Let me know!

dana@NarcissistSupport.com

www.NarcissistSupport.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissist-Support/864636096909000

All manipulative people have about the same predictably unpredictable behavior. The good news is that they all come with the same set of red flags.

Learn the red flags and empower yourself with the knowledge you need to help you steer clear of toxic people: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJr5eXvb4rG_F-68lw4TK4T

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 308 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

6 Comments

  1. I love the idea of meetup groups. I’ve done this myself and it gets you out into new places with new people where you don’t find yourself
    reminiscing and missing your ex. You may have to try a bunch of different groups and on some days even force yourself to go but the odds are that after awhile you’ll actually find one that you look forward to. It’s an excellent distraction because you are replacing the time spent with your ex with something new and productive, and you don’t have a block of unplanned time during which you end up feeling deprived (of your ex). I’ve also found that journaling (or talking aloud and recording yourself for the non writers) has helped to process those lingering pieces where you still feel stuck and unable to move forward. With passing time, you’ll find that the times spent sad and missing your ex will get fewer and farther in between.

  2. I found out that the reason for not being able to forget the narc is the way they make the co-dependent partner feel (in the beginning) and the fact that we got addicted to this feeling. So it’s important that we know that this is not love. Love is about the other person, addiction is about something that is triggered in ourselves. After we get addicted to the narc, all other relationships seem pale in comparison, because the narc provides a roaller coaster of emotions. The narc also has a special ability to make us feel dependent on them because they make us believe that they feel so much better in our presence, whilst in fact they lie. All they want is to control. They don’t know how to love (because they don’t have a notion of self and all they want is adulation and narcissistic supply) and they will always lie and cheat as soon as they get bored.
    Another reason that makes us admire the narc is that they display some qualities that we (emphaths, co-dependent) desire in ourselves, which are the ability to not care for other people’s opinion so much (they are masters in that because they feel no empathy), the ability to appear ultra confident and the dettachment.
    I reccomend this video as helpful, besides all videos in the Narcissistisupport website. The video is: https://youtu.be/o-T1ubg8QgM
    Love yourself, look for your integrity and dignity in the first place. Don’t accept abuse. Jesus told us to love others as we love ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves and accept abuse, we won’t be able to love others. This is also a time for no contact, otherwise it will be harder to move on.

  3. I was where James is well over 30 years ago before I had the benefit of the internet and the sage advice of Dana and others such that I had to go through this on my own. I still troll these sites on occasion to see if I think there is anyone who can benefit from what I learned. James seems like a perfect candidate.

    I think Dana’s first point, although accurate, needs some clarification. Dana says you were not in love with this person. I believe that you were. What you need to understand is the person you were in love with was an intentionally manufactured fake female version of yourself. Of course you were in love with this person. How could you not be?

    There are two points that you need to come to terms with, understand and accept, and carry with you for the rest of your life. The first point is that this person was an intentionally manufactured fake female version of yourself. No matter how much time you put in, no matter how much pain and anguish that you endure, this person will never become the real female version of yourself. The second point that you need to accept is that the real female version of yourself is out there. Right now, she is looking for the male version of herself, meaning you. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you were unable to see her because your attention and emotions are tied up with the fake person manufactured by your ex that will never become real?

    What I learned is that you need to take some time to heal because you have been intentionally wounded. When the hoover comes, and it will probably come as it did for me, you need to remember these two points, because that will be your defining moment. You can allow more pain and misery in your life until you finally have had enough, or you can free yourself from it to make yourself available for the real female version of yourself. Remember that a hoover is nothing more than your opportunity to make the final discard yours. Take advantage of that opportunity by simply ignoring it.

    I found the real female version of myself, and have been married to her for over 20 years now. I honestly believe that our relationship is stronger because of what I went trough all those years ago. When I compare what I have now versus what I had then, and I do it often, it makes me appreciate, honor, respect and love my spouse more than I am sure I would had I not gone through that. I think you will find the same if you let it happen. In the end, was it worth it? Although I would not want to go through that pain again, I honestly think that it was. I am convinced that my life is much happier now than it would have been had I not gone through that. Let it happen, and you will end up in the same place as I am some day.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing your insight, and thank you for clarifying what I said. You are spot on when you say that what I (probably all of us) love about this other person, is that they are a reflection of what is right (or what we like) about ourselves. …And yes, if we can find that real person out there who has those qualities that we would like reflected, then that relationship could be very intense and very fulfilling. …I also think these relationships are some of the best things that have happened to me–although I wouldn’t want to repeat them either. They were hard lessons to learn, but very necessary for me. I’m so glad that you have found real, sincere love with someone. That will give so many out there hope that real love can happen. <3

  5. Thank you all for all of the insight. I’ve literally just sent an email to Dana asking about this (hadn’t spotted the comments until just now!)

    So I’m going through this right now – I’ve been love bombed, triangulated, discarded, hoovered, gaslighted and had flying monkeys etc etc – I’m obviously not over her yet but I’ve been the one to walk away the past two times. I kept thinking I’d done well to get her back when she breezed back into my life – I didn’t realise!!

    My question was around how to feel that connection you feel when being love bombed… the feeling of finding your soul-mate (and believing it) was so powerful and its hurtful to know that it was never real.

    Any connection I’m feeling with other potential partners feels pale by comparison. There is someone else who ticks all the boxes on paper and yet I’ve been unable to feel anything like what I previously felt for my Narc.

    I think what scares me the most is that I’ll never feel that same feeling again. Its like a heroine addict then being given painkillers as a substitute – does that make sense? I worry that no-one will be able to match that feeling so I’ll never connect properly in the future!

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    Thanks again Dana – Really appreciate the time you’ve taken to build this site x

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