The hardest part for me fully ending (both) my Narcopath relationship was going “No Contact”. In part because I missed him, and was still in love with the man I thought I knew. It takes a bit for your heart to catch up with your head when the rug is pulled out from underneath you! Plus, I wanted him to know how much he hurt me dammit. I wanted some sort of acknowledgment of his bad behavior and how over-the-top and unnecessary it all was. But the truth is, he knows, and worse, he drank up every minute of it, kinda like this Southpark video clip:
What is “No Contact”?
No Contact means just that: it’s blocking their number and texts on your phone. It’s blocking them on Facebook. It’s setting up your email so that everything from them goes immediately to spam. It’s not getting baited in if they try to reopen contact with you. It’s drawing a big, fat line in the sand and showing them that you will not communicate with them (on their terms–if you have to stay in contact due to having children with them), or put up with their bad behavior.
Kinda like this Southpark clip, except Cesar Milan is a therapist/voice of reason, the mom is the victim/Narcopathic Supply, and of course, Cartman is the Narcopath. (warning: lots of hilariously foul language):
It’s hard for decent people to wrap their heads around the fact that Narcs delight in making others suffer. I know, it took me a longgggg time to fully understand that some people really enjoy causing pain and suffering. They enjoy bringing us to the highest emotional high, only to pull out the rug and bring us to the lowest of the lows. The more we suffer, the more it shows them how important they are–and then their ego is validated just as much if we were to tell them how great they are. The biggest blow to a Narc is to go No Contact and be completely indifferent to their behavior. View them like you would a two year-old who is throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting what they want.
You can’t be baited into talking to them because…
As long as they get a reaction out of us–positive or negative, they have regained some form of power and control and are feeding off of us–again. No Contact is a hard line to draw. It’s hard to come to terms that there won’t be closure and that they won’t ever be sorry–again, why would they be? The emotional drop you are experiencing was all part of their plan. Inside they are cheering every time they see you cry or hear how torn up you are.
So if you feel the need to write a letter, by all means do it–and then never send it, or better yet, burn it (it’s very cathartic!) Focus on you and what you need to heal. Take all that energy that you have been giving them and reinvest it into something more worth your time, like watching a comedy video on YouTube, or cleaning the toilet.
How to get closure?
You will never get closure from them. You will never find out the truth as to what they’ve been up to, because, and I don’t have to tell you this, but I will anyhow, they lie, lie, lie. (It’s like the old joke, how can you tell if a Narcissist is lying? Their lips are moving.) You will never get a sincere apology or acknowledgment of wrong doing from them. The best way to get closure is to read about the soul sucking sacks of shit they really are, make peace with that, and then start pouring energy into you. I’d encourage you to get a makeover–doesn’t have to be expensive, even a different color of lipstick works wonders (shed that old skin and transform into a new you). Get rid of everything they ever gave you. Do a house cleansing with sage, or get your space somehow blessed by your spiritual leader. Have your friends over for a “Help me change the energy in here” party where everyone rearranges the furniture and brings some item of support that you can keep on display as a reminder that there are good people in the world. Journal. Join meetup.com and start meeting people around common interests like hiking or photography. Make it a point to shower and leave the house at least once a day. Get busy building a life that you love. Emotional vampires can’t stand the light of joy and happiness:
Unless they are Edward Cullen, and then they sparkle…
But I digress…
Focus on bringing as much joy and happiness into your life and the Narcopath will lose their power over you.
If you are feeling really low and like the pain is too much, just know that it won’t always be this bad. Take comfort in knowing that everyday you are healing, even though you might still feel the same. You can get this through this, but know that a big piece to the healing is to cut them out of your life completely if you can. Don’t give them a way back in. You deserve more. (((HUGS))) to everyone who is going through this. You are wiser than you know, and stronger than you ever thought was possible. Hang in there.
My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.
Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.
It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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- Episode 40: What Does Healing Really Mean? - July 19, 2017