Going No Contact with a Narcissist

silent treatment and narcissists

yoda

The hardest part for me fully ending (both) my Narcopath relationship was going “No Contact”. In part because I missed him, and was still in love with the man I thought I knew. It takes a bit for your heart to catch up with your head when the rug is pulled out from underneath you!  Plus, I wanted him to know how much he hurt me dammit. I wanted some sort of acknowledgment of his bad behavior and how over-the-top and unnecessary it all was. But the truth is, he knows, and worse, he drank up every minute of it, kinda like this Southpark video clip:

What is “No Contact”? 

No Contact means just that: it’s blocking their number and texts on your phone. It’s blocking them on Facebook. It’s setting up your email so that everything from them goes immediately to spam. It’s not getting baited in if they try to reopen contact with you. It’s drawing a big, fat line in the sand and showing them that you will not communicate with them (on their terms–if you have to stay in contact due to having children with them), or put up with their bad behavior.

Kinda like this Southpark clip, except Cesar Milan is a therapist/voice of reason, the mom is the victim/Narcopathic Supply, and of course, Cartman is the Narcopath. (warning: lots of hilariously foul language):

It’s hard for decent people to wrap their heads around the fact that Narcs delight in making others suffer. I know, it took me a longgggg time to fully understand that some people really enjoy causing pain and suffering. They enjoy bringing us to the highest emotional high, only to pull out the rug and bring us to the lowest of the lows. The more we suffer, the more it shows them how important they are–and then their ego is validated just as much if we were to tell them how great they are. The biggest blow to a Narc is to go No Contact and be completely indifferent to their behavior. View them like you would a two year-old who is throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting what they want.

You can’t be baited into talking to them because…

itsatrap

As long as they get a reaction out of us–positive or negative, they have regained some form of power and control and are feeding off of us–again. No Contact is a hard line to draw. It’s hard to come to terms that there won’t be closure and that they won’t ever be sorry–again, why would they be? The emotional drop you are experiencing was all part of their plan. Inside they are cheering every time they see you cry or hear how torn up you are.

So if you feel the need to write a letter, by all means do it–and then never send it, or better yet, burn it (it’s very cathartic!) Focus on you and what you need to heal. Take all that energy that you have been giving them and reinvest it into something more worth your time, like watching a comedy video on YouTube, or cleaning the toilet.

How to get closure?

You will never get closure from them. You will never find out the truth as to what they’ve been up to, because, and I don’t have to tell you this, but I will anyhow, they lie, lie, lie. (It’s like the old joke, how can you tell if a Narcissist is lying? Their lips are moving.) You will never get a sincere apology or acknowledgment of wrong doing from them. The best way to get closure is to read about the soul sucking sacks of shit they really are, make peace with that, and then start pouring energy into you. I’d encourage you to get a makeover–doesn’t have to be expensive, even a different color of lipstick works wonders (shed that old skin and transform into a new you). Get rid of everything they ever gave you. Do a house cleansing with sage, or get your space somehow blessed by your spiritual leader. Have your friends over for a “Help me change the energy in here” party where everyone rearranges the furniture and brings some item of support that you can keep on display as a reminder that there are good people in the world. Journal. Join meetup.com and start meeting people around common interests like hiking or photography. Make it a point to shower and leave the house at least once a day. Get busy building a life that you love. Emotional vampires can’t stand the light of joy and happiness:

bella

Unless they are Edward Cullen, and then they sparkle…

vampire-shine

But I digress…

Focus on bringing as much joy and happiness into your life and the Narcopath will lose their power over you.

If you are feeling really low and like the pain is too much, just know that it won’t always be this bad. Take comfort in knowing that everyday you are healing, even though you might still feel the same. You can get this through this, but know that a big piece to the healing is to cut them out of your life completely if you can. Don’t give them a way back in. You deserve more. (((HUGS))) to everyone who is going through this. You are wiser than you know, and stronger than you ever thought was possible. Hang in there.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 296 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

10 Comments

  1. Thankyou it’s alot to take in and I read it all I realy just wanted to say Thankyou you have given me my life back … I couldn’t get red flag 11 to open not sure why I touched on all the others and read them all I separated from my partner 2 days ago and changed the locks he played every flag as you wrote it to the word
    My previous partner and ex husband of 10yrs was the same but presented more extreme and left me bankrupt shattered and I isolated myself so much …I was such a mess ..I was so depressed all the things you wrote. Thankyou from reading all this I am shocked and also relieved for i don’t feel alone anymore and I feel understood .. Good advice yes I will get out of the house and do things I love with my eyes wide open and watch carefully for all those flags Thankyou again much love and blessings Thankyou for all the effort you have gone to to put this site together ?????

  2. I’m glad I found your page. I’m totally new to this, I’ve never heard of the term “narcopath” until few days ago! I didn’t know such people exist until I met one!
    He’s a liar and very manipulative, and when confronted with evidence, he blamed me for finding out! It took me a year to realize that was a toxic situation and finally woke up and cut contact. He now still occasionally texts me trying to get a respond from me!

  3. Hi there–yes, it’s quite eye-opening when you realize there is a name for these types of people! …Just for the record, the word “Narcopath” is a made up work that combines Narcissist and Sociopath (which are both two different–but similar types of personality disorders.)

    What you are describing with this person trying to continue to contact you is known as “hoovering” : http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/you-tube-video-on-hoovering/ So make sure you don’t get sucked back in. <3

  4. Thanks for this article and the ” hug” ( i did it ) . I am planning to go no contact with my older Sister . She has always been manipulative and since the death of our Mother I’ve fully realised that trying to have any kind of relationship causes me great pain. The worst part is losing my relationship with her daughter my niece , especially as I thought we were close . She managed to convince my niece that I did something wrong around the will , the truth is I organised everything and my Sister tried to alter a legal document that meant I had to try really hard to stop everything going into probate which would have taken months. In the end everything was split equally but she couldn’t resist trying to grab whatever she could.
    So now over a year and half has passed my Niece blocked me on Facebook and isn’t really speaking to me ( sends short texts only if I try and be friendly ) . My Nephew however has seen my Sister and Niece ( also NPD I’m afraid ) going through so many dramas he didn’t buy their version so I still feel close and safe around him.
    So now because my Sister has passed on very little of our Families history, I am planning on making a short film to document some of our families history to archive this.( My Great Grandfather was a founding member of the Labour party and my Grandmother was a suffragette feel quite proud of my families history ) .

    So I am wondering should I tell my sister first why I’m doing this ?
    I have no problem doing it and in fact I’m looking forward to being free
    of the lies she always spouts ( usually just dramatic texts ) …. at the moment she is pretending she is about to leave her husband for another guy
    ( again… she has affairs of course ) I even arranged a solicitor for her kind of to call her bluff ….But she won’t’ leave him especially until he inherits from his Dad .

    I would like her to know exactly how badly she’s made me feel and that I’m fully aware of what she’s really like , but I know I never will. Your article has reminded how pointless any hope for genuine empathy to come from an NPD person is .

    Thanks again great article and virtual hug back atcha !

    Andrew

  5. If you know that your sister is highly manipulative, and often reacts in hurtful ways, then it seems to me there’s no benefit in telling her anything–especially if you are planning to go No Contact. I vote that if you make a movie about your family, that you anticipate her reaction so you aren’t caught off guard emotionally by it if she does bring something up. Good luck with the movie–it sounds interesting! 🙂

  6. Thank you so much for your mindful comments .

    I thought I would very quickly and simply explain to my sister what I’m doing and why ( not a good idea ? ) I am fully aware that my sister and niece will go into maximum drama mode but I want a clean break without any perception of game playing so that I’m at least being clear and honest.

    The only complication is my nephew who lives near my sister .Although generally wary and very aware that
    my sister is not the most truthful person , she is still his mother . Is it possible do you think to stay in contact with him ? ( He’s had many facefulls of narcissistic rage from both my sister and his sister ) and is somewhat aware of their issues , in some ways we play similar roles both of us having had an older N mother and older N sister.

    Thanks again, its taken me a surprisingly long time to fully understand why my sister is like this and even
    longer to work out why it hurt is so unfulfilling and distressing to be involved with .

    I am hoping ( trying ) to plan my move carefully mindfully and with the less fuss possible and I waste
    far too much thought over a person who has never taken any interest in my life and I’m 55 now .

    Best wishes

    Andrew

  7. If your nephew is an adult, then he’s capable of making his own decisions about who he spends time with. Not to say that he wouldn’t get a lot of pressure from others to side with them. If you were to try to maintain a relationship with him, you don’t have to bring up anything to do with his mom/your sister–and only have that conversation if he wants to have it–because you’re right, at the end of the day she’s still his mom, and there’s a good chance that he will be defensive and protective of her. …You could also let him know that even though you and his mom had a falling out, that doesn’t need to impact your relationship with him, and that you guys don’t need to talk about it or her if it makes him uncomfortable.

  8. Since my Narc walked out on me very unexpectedly two weeks ago, we’re talking “I love yous” and kisses in the morning and coming home looking like someone I never met and packing up and leaving … on his way out he says “I love you” and kisses my forehead and proceeds to offer to keep coming back to cut my grass … NOT. anyway… that day I attempted suicide obviously unsuccessfully. I was in the hospital for a week. I’ve read several articles, this one and your site has been the most helpful. As I’m reading you are describing how I feel and our relationship to the letter. You know, when I look back on our relationship with honesty to myself it really wasn’t a fairy tale as I had made myself believe there were many moments of doubt and deceit. I even started cutting months before he left and started therapy because I felt something wasn’t right and I needed help. Still, when he left I also had that “who is this man?” feeling. to make it worse it was a Dom/sub relationship. The no empathy for what he put me through is the biggest issue I have. He seemed like I was his whole world. No contact has been an issue with me. He’s in the National Guard and has been ordered not to contact me. His job is in trouble because of this so he’d done a good job of it I’m the one with the issue in that area. I find myself so angry and hurt sometimes that I start recording voice messages to let him have it. I forget that he’s feeding off this. He told me once. “I’ve listened to all your messages.” He did apologize and his words were “I’m sorry I broke up with you the way I did.” Um No he ABANDONED me. And he’s only sorry because it got him in trouble. The no contact is very difficult I need a way to remind myself that all I’m doing is feeding his ego. What’s worse is I think he went back to the girl he did this to before me and I’m thinking… why on earth would she do that to herself? hoping it will be different this time? smh but… not my problem. it’s hard for me to believe like this imagine. he also spoke with an ex boyfriend of mine whom I refused to sleep with so he is bitter. why would he do that?

  9. These relationships often send a person on an emotional roller coaster to where the highs are really highs and the lows are really low–not to mention all the confusing behavior in between, such as him offering to cut the grass and then kissing you on the forehead like everything was fine. I’m glad that you survived this–I know this is a lot of stuff to try and handle, but please take the idea of suicide off the table–just don’t even let your mind go there. You matter, and the pain from this won’t always be this bad. <3

    I have a couple of links for you that I think will help you to make more sense of your situation:

    Cycle of a Narcissistic Relationship: http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/cycle-of-a-narcissistic-relationship/

    My series on codependency (especially watch the video on love bombing) : http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/red-flags-of-a-codependent/

    Hoovering (what he’s doing by keeping the door of communication open by offering to mow the lawn): http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/?s=hoovering

    As for why he spoke with an exboyfriend of yours, I can’t say–but most likely it’s to stir the pot.

    If you are interested in joining a support group, here is a link to mine–I think you’ll find it very validating to talk to, and hear from, others: http://www.facebook.com/groups/healingafternarcissisticabuse

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