The “Red Flags of a Narcissist” Series

red flag of a Narcissist

The video playlist of the “Red Flags of a Narcissist”:

Red Flag #1: Love Bombing (article)  and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #2: Rushing Intimacy (article) and (YouTube video)

Supplementary video: Why is my Whirlwind fairy tale relationship a red flag? (YouTube video)

Red Flag #3: Good Listener (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #4: Mirroring (articleand (YouTube video)

Red Flag #5: Charming (article)  and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #6: Unusual Amount of Crazy People in their Past (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #7: Fragmented Relationships (article) and (YouTube video

Red Flag #8: Poor Financial Management (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #9: Hyper-sexuality (article) and (YouTube video

Red Flag #10: Big Ego (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #11: Concern with Status Items  (YouTube video)

Red Flag #12: Victim/Hero Speak (YouTube video)

Red Flag #13: Behavior Changes Never Last (YouTube video)

Red Flag #14: Flashes of Inappropriate Emotion (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #15: Verbal Put-downs and Insults (YouTube video)

Red Flag #16: Concern with Public Image (YouTube video)

Red Flag #17: They Get You to Introspect (YouTube video)

Red Flag #18: Lying (YouTube video)

Red Flag #19: Parasitic Existence (YouTube video)

Red Flag #20: Stories of Heroic or Unusual Military Service, Religion/Spirituality, Exaggerates Success, or steals other people stories (YouTube video)

Red Flag #21: You Have the Feeling That Something is off (Predator/Prey feeling) or They are Too Good to be True (YouTube video)

Red Flag #22: Questionable Sexual Behavior/Cheating (YouTube video)

Red Flag #23: Intelligent (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #24: Never Apologizes (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #25: Triangulation (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #26: Gas Lighting (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #27: Impulsive/Reckless Behavior (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #28: Craves Power and Control (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #29: Overdependence on Partner (article) and (YouTube video)

Red flag #30: His Views on Women (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #31: Know-it-All (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #32: Low to No Regard for Laws (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #33: You Wonder if You Might Be in Danger (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #34: Always Seems to Get What He/She Wants (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #35: Pattern of Instability (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #36: People Either Love Them or Hate Them (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #37: Their Excuses and Stories Only Make Sense to You (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #38: Like to Degrade or Humiliate You (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #39: Demands Trust that Isn’t Earned (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #40: History of Addiction (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #41: Managing Down of Expectations (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #42: Guilt Trips/Pity Ploys (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #43: Accuses You of Things You aren’t Doing/Projection (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #44: The Ultimate Hypocrite (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #45: The Silent Treatment (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #46: Actions don’t match up with words (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #47: History of Addiction (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #48: The Speed at Which They Move On (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #49: Jaw-Dropping Lack of Empathy (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #50: Never at a Loss for Words (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #51: Terrible Gift-Giver (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #52: Bad Behavior that Seems Unnecessarily Malicious (article) and (YouTube video)

Red Flag #53: You Feel Awful About Yourself/ “Ground Down” either During the Relationship and/or During the Breakup (article) and (YouTube video)

This “Red Flag of a Narcissist” series is not designed to diagnose anyone with a personality disorder. It is designed to present a broad brush look at behaviors that most (if not all) manipulative people tend to have (not just Narcissists). Not all of these red flags are a signal to run for the hills, and a person doesn’t need to have ALL of these flags present to be dangerous or destructive. 

These red flags also occur on a spectrum, meaning that they will be more obvious and troublesome in some people, and not so much in others. 

At the same time, keep in mind that EVERYONE has some of these red flags—however, manipulative people tend to have them to a more troubling degree than normal, non-manipulative people. Keep in mind that Narcissists and Antisocial Personality Disordered people’s red flag behavior is more driven by their lack empathy and remorse, desire to manipulate and exploit other people for their personal gain, which is often not the case with those without these disorders. So don’t panic if you see some of your behavior in these red flags, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a Narcissist, or have a personality disorder. 🙂

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 419 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

11 Comments

  1. How do you deal with a narcissist when there is a child? I can’t get myself or my child completely away, nor ‘greyrock’ totally as there are constantly problems arising from contact…

  2. Hi Jo,

    What kind of problems are you still having if you are going gray rock? I need a bit more clarity before I can throw in my 02.

  3. Hi Dana,

    Could you recommend an article on Red Flag #51: Terrible Gift-Giver? That one is interesting to me for it was troubling me so much and i had no idea how to justify it or how to assign it to my partner’s narcissism.

    Thank you!

  4. Keep in mind that the red flags are a broad brush overview of problematic behavior. A person doesn’t need to have ALL the red flags in order to be a Narcissist–and many people in general have some of these red flags. The purpose of the red flags is to slow down and gather more information when we spot one. We need to see if the problem still exists, or if the problem is in the past–and what the TRUTH about the problem really is. For example, if a person has the red flag of “Poor Financial Management”, it would be a good idea to slow down and see why that is. Is this red flag a pattern or an event? Is it still going on in their life, or is in only in their past? What happened to get them so off track, and how are they doing things differently today? These are all important questions to ask in order so that we can see what we are getting ourselves into when we start, or continue, a relationship (or friendship) with someone. 🙂

    The red flag of being a terrible gift-giver, is one way that a Narcissist’s selfishness comes out. They tend to give gifts that are very impersonable, and don’t spend a lot of money on them–HOWEVER, like all the other red flags, they show a spectrum of behavior–and since Narcissists are highly manipulative, their behavior is often very erratic. So they might be terrible gift givers because they can’t be bothered to do something thoughtful, or they are GREAT gift givers, as it is part of their manipulation. They could give a lavish gift (generally posting it on Facebook, YouTube, etc. so the whole world knows how generous they are), and this is all done to potentially guilt, shame, or obligate the victim to them in some way.

  5. (Jo) you will probably find it very helpful to google Parental Alienation. There is heaps on the web and support groups on FaceBook. Good, respected experts and authors are Dr Craig Childress and Amy Baker. There are others but that a start.

  6. Thank you for the information, I didn’t know that I was dealing with a narcissistic until I saw a post on face-book, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been married for three years and we have two kids together aged one and two. I have had to bear all the responsibilities on my own, he refuses to work, he is an alcoholic and drug addict, he manipulates me for money at every given opportunity, and when I don’t give it to him, world war three breaks out. He takes my cell phones (probably over 30 since we got married) and sells them to buy drugs or alcohol. More so, to try and isolate me further because he hates me chatting to my family and friends oh whats-app. Everything is an argument with him always being right and always knowing it all. He doesn’t bring anything into our home, financially and yet he brings dozens of friends and throws braai’s for them and entertains them and then he starts boasting about how his the man of the house, and he is the boss, he takes out his sneakers and tells his friends the prices, and these are people that live on the street by the way. He doesn’t care about anybody but himself. He treats and speaks to me in the most vulgar manner, it doesn’t matter where we are or who we are with. He will go to the shopping complex drunk and fight with people and then pretend that it was them that started the fight. He embarrasses me in public…he is just a sick man. I am ready to leave him, he is totally financially dependent upon me and we currently live together in a place that I pay the rent and everything else for, but he won’t leave and he tells me that if I leave him he will find me and kill me. He says that he won’t let me take his children away from him, and yet he doesn’t give a damn about them. I am an advocate, and I believe that he is trying to sabotage my career, because his intimidated by it. I am so afraid… but I have been in communication with a lawyer who is going to help me with the divorce, but I need to find a way to leave before the summons is issued. Please, please help me and my kids escape from this mad man

  7. Hi Dana,
    I have watched several of your videos and I assume that both men and women can be narcissists. Can you do a video on the differences, if any, as between female and male narcissists.

  8. I have been married 4 yrs and just in the last six months i came across an instagram post about narc behaviours…the more i read i became ill. We are seperated only because management kicked him out so in a sense we are still together. I am terrified of him, i cant even bring myself to watch your videos because i fear i will become more frightened and never beable to sever the connection. Also i have a hard time with divorce. Iknow we can never ever live together again, i have 3 teen daughters to protect. I’ve tried no contact then he sends me a loving text..do your videos help empower victims? Btw when it comes to making me think I’m crazy, i have mental illnesses so its hard for me to seperate his doing and what is naturally happening in my brain.

  9. I keep trying to post, then it gets WAY too long. My husband just walked out on me, and I was absolutely, 100% blown away. I started researching key words to see if there is some kind of name for what I have experienced with this man. Search words like : “child-like”, “financial irresponsibility”, “hyper-sexuality”, “mistrusting”, “words and actions don’t-match”, “underachiever”, “low ambition”. After a while, I was lead to this site. On other sites with videos about Narcs, it just doesn’t sound like the guy I’m married to. I don’t know if I have a Narc on my hands or not. 17 year relationship, but didn’t marry him until the 15 year mark, when he got a job and some of my fears and frustrations were seemingly addressed. Some of the Red Flag videos are spot on. Some not. Sexual one: He doesn’t seem like any of the descriptions on video #9. No affair, no extra family I don’t know about. But there is SOMETHING amiss there in that department. I can’t get a clear understanding of whether this is sexual addiction, or maybe it’s part of narcissism. I’m still trying to unpack this. He’s way, way HYPER sexed; wants tons and tons of it, irritated if 3 days go by, gropes me all the time, even when I ask him not to, “he ALWAYS replies, “but it feels so good”. Sometimes, I noticed that during sex, he would be really into it, and he would exclaim, “I LOVE THIS!” The first time he did that, I said, “Um, you mean ME, right?” and he kinda laughed and corrected. It has happened since. Not as much porn in my research as I expected. He has guilted me and shamed me into having sex I didn’t want to have. He has zero compassion for me not wanting sex when I am drop-dead friggin’ exhausted from working or traveling all day. Plus, I’m getting older! We’re both mid-50s. The financial drain/irresponsiblity part had my attention very early-on in our 17 years. It’s staggering what that man has gotten out of me. He basically let me carry him, and I allowed it. I thought he’d change. I thought I could show him the way! I thought he was just “Leo the Late Bloomer”. He always said he wanted to improve. I don’t think he wanted to, now that I’m sitting right where I’m sitting. There were not a bunch of belittling put-downs; actually, he expressed love for me very, very regularly, probably calls me at least 5 times a day, every day, still. (Fits the excessive and love bombing part) When I didn’t take his call, he used to get annoyed that I didn’t have him in the proper significance. It’s not like I “obeyed” to that kind of bullshit or anything, but it’s an earlier repeat fight we used to have about when I didn’t put him first. Also, I forget which video it was, but it was INCREDIBLY right on: He exclaims that “our relationship is what everybody wants! We have it all.” (Secretly, I thought, if they knew the bullshit you’re really doing, they wouldn’t want it). But we could dance up a storm at a wedding, and with his warmth and PDA, we really looked like two people who never returned from the honeymoon. (love bombing?). Oh, and he wanted to marry me all the way through the 15 years, but I wouldn’t, because of his financial craziness. He seems to have liked and wanted to do everything I like and want to do, at least verbally. (Mirroring) Not a lot of “writing people off because they’re crazy”, etc., but he just doesn’t maintain relationships at all. Out of sight, out of mind. He’s a self-employed, financial trainwreck and I have begged to him to get a real job, where they take out taxes. Finally, it was demand. “We’ve tried this self-empl. biz long enough, we are done with this. I cannot do it anymore. Get a JOB!” At the 15 year mark, he did finally get one, and I agreed to marry him because my most glaring concerns were relieved. Not that great of a job, at the level of pay that a college kid might make coming out…which seems shockingly low for a 58 year old man. But, I felt like there was enough in tact to make it work, and if he’s at least making some kind of steady, predictable contribution to the household, and taxes are being taken out, and he can have his own health insurance, I can do this. He quit that job without even discussing it first, about 10 months into it, and wanted to go back to his previous self-employment. We decided we’d move anyway, so we moved to a new state and he sat around for the entire summer while I worked. More bitching about getting a job, he got a job, and was fired at 6 months. He rented shop space for his own business and THEN came home and told me he was going to do “what he loved! “Enough of this B.S.”, he says, “this other thing is what I’m good at!” So since we moved, he has: *defaulted on the job agreement, *defaulted on our budget agreement/spending plan, *convinced me that he’d be “good for half $$$” of a cruise “he wanted to take me on” to the Mediterranean in Oct for our Anniversary, *bought a car that makes no sense for our life, and used every last dime he could put together. (Understand, we had a financial plan, and it wasn’t that. Plus, he owed me money, and was also supposedly saving for this Cruise in October, 2017), *borrowed $10K from me for a second car to replace his work van (A Lincoln! How flashy!) (I had the good sense to make a Promissory Note attached to the title, and have it notarized). He literally has about $200 to his name, at age 58 years old, plus the weak beginnings of an IRA that absolutely insisted he start after we moved because I cannot carry both of us across the finish line!. .

    So we had a big fight, and in a nutshell, he walked out on my in November, without warning, a week before thanksgiving. This is precisely what has me researching “what-the-hell-is-going-on-here!” You’d think the fight was on any of the real things that have occurred between us. Nope. He accused me of being unfaithful! Apparently, because I have male friends, (and I do mean “friends, in a very lightweight sense” – no footsie or underhanded bullshit), I “can’t be trusted”. I am apparently “setting myself up, leaving myself open, for an affair”. He has accused me of the same before in my life, but I thought it had been awhile, whatever it was, it passed. I didn’t understand it then, and I didn’t this time. You know why? Because I”m completely clean, and completely innocent. Well, I did it again (!) about a week before the explosion and move out. I had coffee in a public coffee shot with a man who is a senior citizen, in 12-step group with me, about a meeting topic discussed. Boy, aren’t I a real hussy!!?! (And trust me when I tell you, I have been 100% faithful to this man, emotionally and sexually/physically.) Post-departure phone calls are all about me being untrustworthy, and I keep defending myself and it’s exhausting. It’s not even slight addressing our real problems, all of which have been raised ad nauseum throughout our relationship, with escalation issues in the last 18 months. His tone is one of wanting to try to repair our relationship, somehow moving forward, and if we can’t be married, he hopes we can be “friends if not more”. He’s irritated that I keep “defending my right to have boyfriends on the side” when I say I think it’s ridiculous that I should cut off 50% of the population, and even more ridiculous that we’re talking about this as if it’s MY issue, when this could be coming out of his own insecurity. Nope. Not going there. Focus back to me and my being some kind of a lying, cheating, selfish woman who needs to be stroked by guys. He says, “I get it! I don’t hate you for it, I just can’t be married to that”. He moved in with his mother. I just told him I need to stop communicating with him right now and focus on me and my life and we’ll see where this goes. Meanwhile, my stalking reveals that he is drinking, dancing, joining MeetUps for Singles, going to strip clubs, and searching “how to get over a cheating spouse” and “inside the mind of a serial cheater”. !!!! WHO IS THIS MAN? What is going on??? I am completely rocked. I don’t know which end is up. I’ve given him my Soul, practically, and gone way, way, way above and beyond what anyone would, covering his ass on everything! I’ve paid 100% of the mortgage, but it’s in my name only (PHEW!), all bills, cell phones, car insurance, some medical bills of his, all groceries, all gifts for his kids and mine. Over 17 years, he gave some money monthly, under $1K, to the household, but not with consistency, and not for more than 6 months in a given year. But I’m tough, I made him pay his own gym membership! (Shoot me now) Recently, we started a new agreement where he pays groceries. I have also paid in full, BY DEFAULT, (Completely flat out broken promises with excuses and more promises tacked on) for trips we took to several countries, our wedding (50-50 promise), including for flights to our wedding for HIS son and 2 grandsons. Defaulted on all of it. No apology. Doesn’t even remember it if it was more than a week ago. The list goes on and on. He owes me so much money. I’ll never get it, there’s no way he could ever pay it. I don’t know what bucket to put this in. I’m done with this marriage and my relationship with him. The rose is off the bloom, so it probably doesn’t matter what bucket I think I should put him. I can’t know what I know now, and have gone through all the memories that have flooded back, and still make any thing of this thing. Any comment or advice would be helpful. PS I can almost swear he has not had an affair, even though those kinds of accusations scream it. It’s traumatic, I mean it. Someone pulled the rug out from under my life! I’m kind lost, I’m mad at myself, (furious) and I don’t trust that I will stay away, or ever find a suitable, healthy male. I do know that finding someone else is a very bad move until there has been some active healing. [Dating is not on my mind right now, just saying it to spare anyone from even yelling at their computer: DO NOT MOVE ON TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU FULLY HEAL!] Thanks for listening. I can’t keep it short, I just cannot.

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