Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Live Stream Q&A and Support

Do you have a question about what you are going through, or need some support?  Would you like to connect with other survivors (and thrivers) of Narcissistic Abuse?

Well then, come join us every Wednesday night at 8:30pm EST for a “live stream” (real-time conversation) on YouTube (and soon to be on Periscope and Facebook)!  Every live stream runs for about two hours (ish) and all topics about abuse, healing, recovery, codependency, divorce, etc. are warmly welcomed.  🙂

Here is the link to stay up-to-date with the live streams if you can’t make it, or would like to watch them again:

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 280 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

15 Comments

  1. Hi Dana,i am 2 years away form my narcissistic husband but cannot stop thinking of every him all day every day why am i doing this? does the narcissist do this even when they have a new woman 5 mins after leaving you, also when he was discarding me i saw this look of pure contempt and hatred on his face it really scared me i was 34 years married and had never seen the curled up lip and looking down at me as if i was scum,do you think this was hatred for me or projection of what he felt for himself as i had been a good honest loving moral wife to him but had had enough of his crap and i think he orchestrated for me to say enough,so he could run to the other woman and make it look like i dumped him,why i think of him puzzles me as i would never have him back and now know what he is.

  2. I am in the process of filing for a legal separation myself and it does make me feel concerned that my narc will try to manipulate the court n even ask for spousal support bc he has never held a continual job. I also know that I usually get very emotional from embarrassment and shame when I talk about the relationship. I am very happy I found this support group, a member of another support group I’m in reffered me to Dana via YouTube, this is a true blessing.

  3. This blog is one of my saving grace, I could never understand why my narc just didn’t care bc if addiction I would always have aciver for why, but today he told me he would come to visit our 2yo at 7 its now 749 and no cal Jo show. But bc of this forum n other support system. Am ok with that. I am ok to take notes so when I file for my seperation I’ll have documentation, thanks dana

  4. HI Dana,

    Really appreciate your site – love the latest info.

    “My” narc is super covert – and though I was amply familiar with overt – I could not nail this guy down until I learned about covert – thank you for this. My partner, soon to be ex, is super intelligent and super covert – i think there is a connection with those two qualities.

    In November 2015, my partner deeply humiliated me in a meeting with professionals and my adult son – in this enlightening moment, my sprit collapsed and also, nearly simultaneously, an essential flame came forth -the flame of life force, of belief in my essential goodness and the awareness to acknowledgement my ability to recreate and to be truly deeply free.

    This is an amazing journey – his problems are not my problems and of no concern of mine – and I look forward to each morning – knowing I can make it beautiful and safe and joyful. I wish the very best to everyone who is working through these complexities and the perceived losses. Yet, waking up, seeing the truth, however much the pain, is a great gift.

    love

    I am moving forward – and I am amazed at my ability to survive and to grow and to live the remaining years of my life (I am 67yo) with passion and compassion – and sanity!

  5. Hi Everyone,
    I’m currently involved with a narcissist. I type this as he drives dangerously as I ask another question about his living circumstances. He has 3 children (13,17 & 18), and they all lived together with the mother. He’s pretty much every red flag, (or. Pathological liar, verbal abuse steals, drained my bank and got me pregnant of which I aborted)

    I’m now finding it so hard to function as my dad has stage 4 cancer and I have MS and am not working.

    I contacted him as I worked with him in 2008 and I remembered him speaking about his dad who had died of cancer.

    Id appreciate any sort of support of how to handle things after a year of keep 24/7 time with him as neither of us are working.

    Thanks, Alison

  6. I strongly encourage you to join the support group: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum and to anticipate as best you can what you think he will do physically and emotionally to you and how you think you will react. …And then plan ahead as much as you can for these things. Since the two of you have been together 24/7 and you are going through some other intense emotional pain with your dad, try and plan for how you will cope with the pain. …You are not alone in this. There are thousands of people in the support group who have been through similar situations. You can get through this. (((HUGS))) to you. <3

  7. There are several reasons people tend to ruminate on events. For starters, you were married for 34 years. That’s a long time, and it will take some time to heal from that–especially when there is emotional (and other forms of) abuse going on. It’s traumatic to be left and then made to be seen as the bad guy. There is no closure, no empathy, and no remorse–and that is SO hurtful. You ask if he’s thinking about you. I can’t say, but my guess is probably not. They tend to project all of their awful behavior onto us to the point where they really do believe they are the victim of us. …You being a good, moral, loving wife has nothing to do with his behavior. Please know this. You couldn’t have loved him well. His behavior had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. His actions are not a reflection of your self-worth. (Even though they LOVE to try to convince us otherwise.)

    Another big reason we tend to think about them is if we haven’t filled the void they’ve left in our lives. So I encourage you to get busy cultivating some new hobbies and meeting some new people. (There is a great website called http://www.meetup.com and it’s a GREAT way to meet people based around similar interests.) I also have my support group if you are interested: Support Group (((HUGS)))

  8. I am glad when I got home from work loneliness set in then I stumbled upon your You Tube Video Live Stream, I went on a hidden dating website Christian Mingle, my password would not go through and then I ended up watching your videos for hours, what a blessing that was to find u online, am already in the FB Narcissists Group, tried to find the Q and A Group last night, maybe next time. Ty God Bless U Diane (Smiley)

  9. I am so glad you were able to find my channel and that you consider it to be a blessing. I hope to see you next week at the live stream. (((BIG HUGS))) to you. (P.S. Check out http://www.meetup.com they offer lots of fun meetups in your area and it’s not dating and they are generally free or low cost. It’s a great way to meet new people and to get out there and do things that you enjoy.) <3

  10. I am going to log on next Wednesday for the support group. I need help coping because im seriously thinking about giving up on a relationship of 13 yrs with my narcissistic husband. He is so verbally abusive. I used to not blame him for the things he said and did because i knew he had a problem. Now i cant do it anymore. I have asked him to get help and he refuses to think he needs it because he doesnt think he has a problem. Everytime we fight, and sometimes its for no reason, he thinks i blame him for everything. Maybe i do because this problem is taking over my happiness and my life, but i know im not perfect either. I have depression and anxiety and i never had these things prior to 13 yrs ago, but im not pointing fingers. Everything is always my fault and then it jumps into the youve “changed” your not the same person. Its like, ya, because im tired of dealing with this everyday. Ive been on the path where i let him blame me and i felt i was guilty and then all of a sudden, he cheats and its my fault because i changed. He made me work on myself for 5 months before he left her and then wont admit till this day that he had another relationship. Im done changing. I dont want to change anymore. The only changing hes gonna see is a divorce paper and his shit by the front door. Then he will really realize what change means. I could go on and on with so many stories and things but i dont even want to waste anymore time on dwelling on whats already been done because nothing will ever be different, even in the future. Im just tired of taking it all and brushing it off like its no big deal that he acts that way, and saying sorry for things i shouldnt have to be sorry for in the first place. Im worth more than that, i already figured out how to love myself more than this problem. Now i just have to stop thinking of what it could be, and realize this is what its always going to be. Thanks for listening

  11. He sounds like a very difficult, and very manipulative, hurtful, and frustrating person to try and live with. His blaming you for his actions is what emotionally abusive people do–as like you said, he never takes responsibility for his actions. It’s next to impossible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t own their actions. …Here is a link to a book club book we read a few months ago, I think the book (or my notes–if you scroll down a bit after clicking on the link you can read my notes) will really help to clarify things for you. (((HUGS)))

  12. Hi Dana,

    I have been watching your videos since the past 4 days. I just got dumped by my bf or rather discarded by my bf.

    I know you must be hearing umpteen number of stories all throughout the day, but I really need some help and answers and I couldn’t get them through any videos so I thought of writing to you.

    I met this guy sometime last year same time and as explained a charming man, but not very good looking but striking magnetic personality. He was head over heels over me and he felt that he had never met anyone like me ever before. Took me out on couple of dates. Spent 10 hours and plus in a day with me. Told me everything about himself. Proposed for marriage and wanted to meet my parents. I got to know through some common links that he is still with his ex(Prerna). So i confronted him and he totally denied saying that they broke up. Then again I got confirmed news that she still exists and I gave him an ultimatum to decide either me or her. He told me he will give me clarity in 10 days. He did break up with her but simultaneously cut of from me. When I contacted him he said he needs space. Thinking that he is confused I gave him his space. We were dating unofficially, rather I would put it as no one knew except his few close friends. After 2 months I contacted him asking him to give me closure as I did not know what was happening, was I supposed to wait or move on. He told me he still likes me but is too messed up and needs some more time. After 15 days I met him in a club and he was with another girl(Shweta) which was obvious that it was his current gf. I did not react to that at all and acted very normal. After 2 days he called me and I blasted at him saying I do not wish to stay in touch as he is a pathetic person keeping me hanging and has moved on. He denied saying she is just a friend. He also told me that he would make me speak to her and prove it that she was just a friend. I still refused to talk to him saying we can only be friends if we have a future as I still have feelings for him and cannot randomly talk to him as friends.

    A month later, he started randomly messaging me and calling me. He would talk about all our special moments. I was still not over him, so I would abstain from talking to him. But he would constantly text and talk about our special times and would insist we become friends again. I denied saying I cannot be friends as I do not see him s a friend. But I was missing his attention and our relationship so I was in touch with him. I happened to mention it to one of our common friends and he told me that my ex bf was getting engaged to the same girl(Shweta) who I thought was just a fling.

    I was extremely hurt, but did not take any action. In about 2 days he asked me to join him for dinner and then I broke down over the phone begging him to stop calling me as I just couldn’t get over him. I told him that he has lied to me and not been truthful and that I heard of him getting engaged to someone. The engagement had got called off for some reason. He told me that his parents forced him into the set up and he had no choice. But I know for a fact that it was a lie because his parents are very open minded and would never force him into marriage as they are divorced themselves. He then insisted I meet him to know the whole story. I met him. he told me some story of how he was forced and everything he was rushed into and then eventually parents had few arguments and they called off the engagement just 3 days before the engagement. And that he never felt anything for the girl and he had no physical intimacy and that he really can’t get over me and that he would want another chance to work this out as it means everything to him. He somehow managed to convince me to give him a chance. I agreed on certain conditions, saying I would want o take it slow be friends and figure out as my trust is completely shattered. He agreed. He put me through the idealization phase all over again. He told me we cannot be friends and we are eating and that I cannot meet any potential boys for marriage. And that I am his gf and I should announce it to my parents as well. The idealization phase went on for a period of 15 to 20 days an then he reduced the number of calls and attention span again. When he figured out I am all into him, he did it again. I started picking fights with him and he would just be silent and not react much.

    Then he started calling me once in 3 days or so. from 6 to 8 times a day to once in 3 to 4 days. I used to end up messaging and calling him more. He used to just revert my calls and always had one answer was in a meeting. He stopped spending time with me, meeting me or speaking with me. Only kept saying I have issues at home. I am stressed at work. I don’t have time for high school drama of talking to you for hours and blah blah. I started adjusting to everything. He had become anti me. It seemed like whatever I spoke triggered him off. he completely stopped calling then. My friends contacted and asked him so he just said that he is taking some time off as he is very busy with work and will talk to me when he has calmed down. He put me through a lot of guilt for getting angry at him for a small thing like asking him for his time and attention. I must have apologized so many times for doing this. But he just said u will never improve. we are different ppl. He said he has no choice but to deal with me as no one is perfect and he can’t do much to change my nature. He also started picking out faults in me that I suspect him and don’t trust him and his friends call me FBI. I had just asked him once why is Shweta still in touch with you if you guys have called off the engagement. Sheet and her family were on his fb and instagram, which bothered me and like any normal girl I would have issues with his ex being active on his social media. He said she is just a friend and he is in the event industry for PR reasons he needs to be in touch with all. But he kept slapping this into my face that I do not trust him, but he was the root cause of that. I used to apologize fro that as well all the time.

    Again he kept out of touch and in a weeks time posted on instagram that he is single. i called him up and asked him what was that. he said it was a funny post so he posted it and then told me I am going for a meeting I will call you later. He never called back. i called him after 2 days and asked him where is this heading. He said i am busy and I have work I will call you at night and we will talk in detail. He never called back.

    Then I gave him space again. I called him the next week and asked him gain, what do you want. where is this heading. i need to know. He said we are different people, and I don’t trust him and I am always shouting at him and acting possessive. Whereas I was hardly in touch as I couldn’t figure out how to patiently deal with the situation. I asked him do u want to call it off I am ok with it, but you need to communicate it to me. He was just quiet. I asked him okay Do you need time to think about us. He said Yes. I said Ok. For me this relationship is Alive and I really want to work it out and will do anything to rebuild his trust in me (whereas I needed to build trust in him), but we will not talk and meet for few days till he takes a firm decision to what he wants. I told him even if you want to end it we will part ways mutually and happily and I won’t ask him any questions also incase he wants to call it off. He said okay. I told him I will be waiting for your call. He said okay.

    In next 15 days, he posted all over fb that he has met the love of his life (Priyanka) and how lovestruck he is and that he is in a relationship. The girl looked like a similar version of me. She has exactly the same hair. Wears colored lenses like me and is hot. He used to brag about how I make him look good when it was the honeymoon phase for us.

    I was completely taken aback by his fb post and had no choice but to just block him from all social media.
    I am so confused, why would he do this, if I was so okay with him being upfront on my face about calling off our relationship. Why did he have to publicly shame me. Also, he never posted any pics of me on social media. iT has been 4 days since this has happened. he posted her picture on June 8th.

    He has been in contact with her for more than a month, which I could analyze from few social media posts.
    He was in touch with me that time and we were having a good time. Our fights had not yet started then. But yes he had reduced calling me.

    My question is :

    1) I was very open with communications and gave him the option to walk out if he wished to. All I asked for was clear communication. Why would he not tell me on my face and just insult me and make me feel so shallow and low and hurt by posting such pictures and comments all over fb. He did not post anything on instagram. (I am not on FB I have deactivated my profile. Some of my friends informed me of this post. He has a lot of my friends on his FB, they informed me). On instagram he is still following me and keeps liking my pictures. I have blocked him 4 days back after knowing that he cheated on me.

    2)I am confused. Did he cheat on me? or am I stupid to think he cheated on me?

    3)Is there a chance that he will contact me again. Like is there any chance of him having the audacity of shaming and insulting me this way and contacting me again. or is this the grand finale. incase he does get in touch. How am i supposed to react. Can i be aggressive and angry. Or am i supposed to be polite and ask for explanation. How should i avoid any sort of harm to myself in the coming future.

    4) Is it normal to feel excited sometimes that I am relieved of the pain and suddenly feel extremely slowly and breakdown in tears. I also fear the word marriage and meeting people. like i breakdown in tears randomly.

    5)I should never bad mouth him right? he will malign my image right if I do that. What do I tell people when they ask. I am so worried to meet people as I feel they all look at me with mocking looks.

    P.S. I have gone through all the 3 stages twice in a period of 10 months.

  13. Hello Gunjan,

    I am sorry that you have gone through such a highly emotional time with this man. Here are some of my thoughts about your questions:

    1. Emotional manipulators do: they send their partners on extreme highs and extreme lows. The reason he didn’t respect your desire for open communication is because they only do what they want to do, which is manipulate and triangulate and often times create a lot of hurt and heartache in others because it makes them feel smug and superior. Here is a link to our book club book for June (Psychopath Free) as well as my notes and our discussion of it–I think reading this will really help: Book Club

    2. And yes, it sounds like he was cheating on you–but I hope you hear me when I say that his cheating and his crazy, hurtful behavior has nothing to do with you–it’s who he is, and who he will always be. There’s nothing that you could have done or said that would have changed the outcome of this relationship–and he will most likely continue to lie and cheat, because he has no solid moral character, no concept of right and wrong–and he doesn’t care that his actions hurt others–in fact, he may enjoy that his actions hurt others because it makes him feel important.

    As far as him posting strange things on the internet that make you wonder if he’s cheating–this is another thing that they do–they will: 1.provoke an emotion (jealousy in this case) by posting things on the internet but then 2. deny it then 3. spin it around and blame their partner for being too sensitive, paranoid, emotional, controlling, jealous, etc. This kind of provoke, deny, spin and blame behavior is CRAZY MAKING, and is often known as “gas lighting.” Gas lighting really can erode a person’s sense of reality because when it happens to a person they begin to wonder if they are the problem (when they are not). Here is a link that explains gas lighting: gas lighting

    3. Yes, I do think you will most likely hear from him again, so prepare yourself emotionally for this, and don’t fall back into his manipulations. Here is a link to articles and videos on “hoovering” which explains how they come back: hoovering
    4. And yes, it is very normal to have a wide mix of emotions as you move forward from this relationship, as he had a lot of very confusing and painful behavior, and it is hard for many people to sort out how a person can have two drastically different sides to themselves. Normal people don’t have two drastically different sides to themselves, and they don’t chronically lie, or gas light, or cheat, or lead people on, or triangulate or do any of the things he did.

    As far as you being scared of marriage and meeting people, that is also very normal right now as this was a very emotionally traumatic relationship. So I encourage you to take some time off dating, read up on the red flags of problematic behavior, and focus on building a life you love, and in time you will attract a good partner who treats you with respect and dignity. Here are some links to videos that I hope will help: Red Flags of a Narcissist (and other types of emotional manipulators):Red Flags of a Narcissist Red Flags of Codependency: Red Flags of Codependency

    5. I wouldn’t recommend that you bad mouth him, but you can tell people that he was treating you in ways that were very disrespectful and rude, (or you could say that you had your suspicions he was cheating) and that’s why he is no longer in your life. …Just realize that he is most likely telling people that you are crazy, controlling, jealous, etc. This is what they do because they are never sincerely accountable for their own behavior–so they deny it, and they lie, lie, lie.

    I know you are hurting over this relationship, but I hope that you can see it’s for the best that this ends. This man will only ever bring you hurt and heartache.

    If you are interested in joining a support group, we’d love to have you. 🙂 http://www.facebook.com/groups/healingafternarcissisticabuse

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