How Does a Hoovering Narcissist Act?

hoovering

How Does a Hoovering Narcissist Act?

Hoovering is a common manipulation technique done by many forms of highly manipulative people, and (unfortunately) comes with the territory as far as Narcissistic relationships are concerned. There are 12 common hoovering techniques that Narcissists use, and most often these techniques are used within the first year of the breakup. Keep in mind that Narcissists are always on the hunt for Narcissistic “supply,” and it’s not uncommon for their hoovering to randomly continue for several years or even decades.

The best way to handing their hoovering attempts is to stay no contact or go gray rock (I know that is SO incredibly hard), as reopening any communication with them (even to tell them off), allows them access back into your life.

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Dana

I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse.

My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life.

Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics.

It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.
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About Dana 280 Articles
I am a self-help junkie, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as being a recovering victim of Narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them (and how to prevent it from happening again), as well as how to go on and rebuild an amazing life. Even though I have had a lot of "in the trenches" experience with highly manipulative people of all kinds, I consider myself to be a student of Narcissism, mindset, motivation, healing, and life in general, and am by no means an expert on any of these topics. It's for these reasons, that when you are reading my information that I encourage you to hold to what helps, and let the rest go.

4 Comments

  1. Hey Dana.

    Thank you so much for your support group. It really opened my eyes and most of my questions were answered. I recently broke off a N – relationship (after 18 months). I have to say, honestly, I am taking it quite good , just because I understand how these people are. I just watched your video about hoovering.

    Its been 4 days now since we broke up. Immediately (like 2 min) after we broke up I blocked him from all ways he can possibly contact me. Today he sent my best friend a Facebook inbox message telling her that he loves me so much but its better to break off because of the distance and he doesn`t want to waste my time.
    I think its just because he cant make any contact with me. Is this also a form of hoovering? How should i handle it and what should I think about it? I know from all the research that I did , that, that message is as fake as he is. What will be his next move now? He is currently working in another country and will be back at the end of the month. Can I expect him to just come to my house? I`m really scared of that… and I want to handle it in such a way that he wont get satisfaction of my reaction.

    Help please.

  2. Yes, him trying to reopen any form of contact (even through your friend) is a type of hoovering. I can’t say for sure what his next moves are going to be, but if I were you I would anticipate him showing up at your house, or trying to contact your friends. When I say, anticipate this, I mean both emotionally and physically.

    He will (most likely) go away when he realizes he can’t get a reaction out of you. I don’t know how your friends feel about him, but I could see him trying to manipulate them as well (he already started by contacting them and making himself out to be the victim). I’d try to be as preventative as possible, and let your friends know NOW that he is nuts and won’t let go of your relationship and that it’s not romantic, it’s creepy. Hopefully they are seeing this as well, but it’s hard for others who haven’t been through it to “get” it.

    Don’t let your friends guilt you into seeing or talking to him. Make it very clear now that he creeps you out and that you want nothing to do with him, (have them watch the video on hoovering if they are interested) or at least tell them some of the behaviors that you could see him doing, like using guilt, or playing the victim, or threatening suicide, or saying that he’s so in love with you, etc. If you can point all of this out to them before he does it, they’ll be more inclined to see his behavior for what it is, as you’ve already called it. If you think he is dangerous, then take whatever protective measures you feel you need to take in order to stay safe–getting some mace, and making sure your doors and windows are locked are a good start.

    If he does try to talk to you, (and depending on how you think he’ll react) you could always tell him that you’ve done a lot of thinking while he’s been gone, and you’ve come to realize that you aren’t in a good place to date or talk to ex boyfriends and that you need your space. You could even put the blame on you (as it gives him less to argue about), and say something like, “You deserve someone who is ready to be in a relationship, and I am a million miles away from that.”

    Practice your response ahead of time. These kinds of people thrive on drama, so make sure that when you practice your response you are totally detached emotionally–like how you’d be if he was just some random person you didn’t know. You want to be as exciting and as responsive as a “gray rock” (which maybe is easier to think of in terms of being more like a rag doll. You just are kinda limp and neutral about everything he says or does to provoke a reaction out of you. Also, if he starts harrassing you, make sure that you are keeping all of his texts, emails, facebook chats, all of that so you have some sort of papertrail.

    You can do this. Here is a link to the support group if you are interested: http://www.NarcissistSupport.com/forum

  3. Hi, after i left my husband (and only now i see he classifies for NPD), and during a very traumatic divorce, i fell for another narcissist. I don’t know if that is “normal” for narcissists to be jealous and obsessive, but the second one is, i wouls say pathologically obsessive. Jealous even from things, not only men…. Now the second one got into financial troubles and of course blames me, because he claims that because i don’t give him a peace of mind, and i cause his jealousy (simply because i meet men in my workplace, grocery store, hirdresser…), and that’s why he cannot work… In his mind i have to be grateful that he stayed with me during the difficult times of my divorce and now i have to help him and protect him… I am afraid that he would become violent once he doesn’t get what he wants. I haven’t met him for about a month and didn’t speak with him for two weeks, but then he called and raged with anger when i didn’t want to talk over skype with him. So i did. Of course he told me he loved me. When he asked me if i loved him i became quite… Is there any chance to get rid of him?

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