What is Gray Rock?

Gray rock is a technique used to minimize contact and damage from a narcissist by becoming as emotionally unreactive and dull as a "gray rock." The goal of using the gray rock technique is to stay cool, calm, collected, uninterested, and uninteresting when around a narcissist so that they lose interest in abusing their target. There is a saying out there that goes, "Violence is only enjoyable when there is suffering. Without suffering, it is a hollow act." The goal with gray rock is not to let the abusive person see you suffer. By denying them this, you are cutting off the "supply of pleasure" they get from your pain.
 
This tactic flies in the face of most thinking behind conflict resolution, which is based around having open, honest, sincere, solutions-oriented communication. This type of communication doesn't work with a narcissist because they are not looking for a solution—they are looking to bully their target. Let me be very clear: to let an abusive person know how much they are hurting you will only make the abuse worse, as they now know they are getting to you—and worse, they specifically know what buttons to push. It's dangerous to treat an abusive relationship as though the issue has to do with communication issues between two people. It doesn't. The problems are about power and control, and the abusive person is intentionally grinding their target down. They know what they are doing, so don't get caught up thinking they don't or that if you could somehow explain to them how much they are hurting you, they would stop. 

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The way you react is the game they play

It can be challenging not to be reactive when an abusive person is actively bullying, harassing, and overall attacking you. But keep in mind that their abuse is all a game to them—and they play to win. No matter how small, any reaction can suck you back into their twisted and highly manipulative game. And they will often provoke their target until the target explodes. At this point, they use the target's reaction as proof that the target is crazy, mentally unbalanced, or abusive. If they can provoke their target into reacting in front of others or through text or email. In that case, they can use their reaction to prove (to others and even a judge) how unbalanced the other person is, thereby strengthening their skewed position that they are the victim of their target.

 

So why do they provoke and bully? They do this because it's their way of holding onto power and control over their target. After all, doing so makes them feel smug and superior.

 

This game is only fun for them if there is a reaction, and if the target does not respond or does not react in the way that the manipulator hopes, they usually become bored and leave the target alone. However, if they bully you ten times, and you even respond once, it may be enough for them to keep at it.

 

The goal with gray rock is to shift from reacting to responding.

 

Becoming emotionally unreactive takes practice

 

Becoming emotionally unreactive takes practice because emotional manipulators are good at knocking people off balance. That's precisely what they are trying to do. The more you can anticipate what they might do and plan your responses ahead of time, the better off you will be. Manipulators know what they are doing, even though they pretend not to. Continually pointing out to them how their actions are hurtful, angering, or crazy-making to work towards improving communication or working towards a resolution is a mistake. They are not solutions-oriented. They are looking to get and keep power and control over their target. Letting them know that they are hurting you will only add fuel to the fire.

 

Gray rock is used when a person must keep contact with a narcissist for whatever reason, but the ideal form of interaction with a narcissist is no interaction (which is called "no contact") or minimal interaction (which is called "low contact").

 

Gray rock is done by either ignoring a narcissist's attacks completely, or if you must have contact with them, being brief, keeping the topic of the conversation at a surface level, and staying emotionally neutral—similar to how you might talk to a stranger in an elevator.

 

While gray rock works for most people, you and only you know your situation the best. If you feel that going gray rock will make things worse or put you in danger, use some modified form to keep yourself safe.

Examples of Grey Rock

Example #1

Lucy's ex-boyfriend, Brian, had contacted her six months after they broke up asking for a paternity test for their child. Their court order stipulated that Brian was not to contact Lucy directly but to go through her attorney. Brian's email made Lucy livid. Not only was he questioning the paternity of their child, especially since he was the one cheating on her, but he was contacting her directly, which he wasn't supposed to be doing. Lucy knew that he was emailing her to provoke her to become angry and reactive. She initially wanted to respond by letting him know what an unbelievable jerk he was and how he had been the one having sex with other people. How dare he question their son's paternity or go against their court order, but she didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her get upset. She also was half tempted to forward his email to her attorney so that they could line up a paternity test, but then decided to send it anyhow to document that he was contacting her.

Example #2

Kara had recently dumped John out of the blue and in the most nonchalant way after two years of dating. John was devastated, but his friends were thrilled she was gone, as she was nothing but drama. She was continually trying to make John jealous and would even go so far as to flirt with them or other guys at the bar to get John upset. To John, these nights out with her were so predictable and usually a no-win situation. Either she expected him to get into a fight with these men who were flirting with her—which would get him thrown out of the bar—or if he didn't get into a fight, she'd get upset and claim that he didn't care about her, and then freeze him out emotionally and physically.
 
Things between Kara and John's friends were so bad that they refused to hang out with him if she would be around. Within two weeks of her ending things, Kara had plastered pictures of her getting engaged in Hawaii to her new boyfriend all over Facebook. It was a trip that she and John had planned! John couldn't believe what he was seeing and that Kara could move on so fast—like what they'd had had never mattered, or even happened. He felt that Kara had posted these pictures to hurt him on some level, and he didn't want to give her the satisfaction, so he didn't say anything about it to any of their shared friends, as he knew it would get back to her. Instead, he vented to his therapist.