Helpful Definitions

Antisocial Personality Disorder

The terms “sociopath” and “psychopath” have been combined under the term “Antisocial Personality Disorder” (ASPD). Some common traits of ASPD are that the person is usually charming, highly manipulative (using domination, charm, guilt, sympathy, pity, obligation, or intimidation to get their way), has a disregard for rules and others (usually behaviors that are based on either exploitation or cruelty, often leading to time in jail as an adult), has a lack of remorse, and a lack of empathy (although they can do an award-winning performance to really make others believe that they are sorry and that this time will be different).

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

A personality disorder that usually includes impulsive and risky behavior, unstable and intense relationships, highly manipulative behavior, frequent outbursts of anger/poor emotional regulation, unstable or fragile self-image, fears of abandonment, and suicidal behavior or threats of self-harm. There can be a lot of overlap between the behaviors associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

Codependency

This term originated in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous and was initially used to describe the excessive emotional reliance a spouse of an alcoholic has on their alcoholic partner. So the alcoholic is excessively reliant on alcohol, and the spouse is excessively reliant on the alcoholic. These relationships are one-sided; the alcoholic spouse is continually having destructive behavior, and the codependent spouse is forever busy picking up the pieces, doing damage control, and trying to make things work.

Cognitive Dissonance

This term means “mental distress.” In particular, it’s the mental distress a person experiences when they have two conflicting thoughts about the same topic at the same time, as it pertains to an action that they are going to take. The reason this is so distressing is because we need our thoughts and actions to be in agreement with each other. If our thoughts and actions don’t line up, then we act in a way that doesn’t make sense to us, which is why we experience this mental distress. In order to relieve this mental distress, we either have to change our thoughts to match our actions, or change our actions to match our thoughts. Most of the time, we tend to change our thoughts about what we are experiencing, until our reality becomes painful enough that we have to take different actions. When we change our thoughts, we do so by either denying them, trying to suppress them, or by rationalizing them.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

C-PTSD is similar to PTSD in that the person experiences much of the same symptoms but for different reasons. PTSD tends to happen after a specific event or situation like war or a car accident, whereas C-PTSD is more “complex” because it’s often the result of ongoing traumatic events, many of which can be difficult to pinpoint. This is especially the case if a person grew up in a den of dysfunction, and the traumatizing behavior was considered normal.

Crazy-Making

“Crazy-making” behavior is abusive and manipulative behavior that is designed to confuse, irritate, exhaust, or provoke a target into some sort of emotional reaction. The target feels either like the narcissist is trying to make them crazy, or that the narcissist’s behavior is so infuriating that it’s making them crazy—especially when the narcissist is acting like nothing is wrong, or that the target is making a big deal out of nothing, or worse, that the target is crazy, mentally ill or losing their mind.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health (DSM)

This is a manual of mental disorders which is published (and continually being revised) by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is currently in its 5th edition, and is referred to as the DSM-V. The DSM categorizes a wide range of mental health disorders, including mental illnesses, personality disorders, and developmental disorders that impair cognitive development.

Dissociative amnesia (also referred to as “abuse amnesia”)

Dissociative amnesia is when a person “forgets” certain incidents surrounding a traumatic event or events—in this case, abusive behavior. Abuse amnesia can range from “forgetting” whole episodes to certain things that are said, and the sufferer tends to remember the abusive person in a positive light. Abuse amnesia is not normal forgetfulness, as the person is only unable to recall events surrounding the specific traumatic event. Many people who continue to go back to an abusive partner report feeling frustrated and crazy because they forget about much of the abuse and hold onto the good times...only to then be abused again.

Flying Monkeys (also called “abuse by proxy”)

This term comes from the movie The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the East has flying monkeys under her spell to do her bidding, which is mainly to harass and torment Dorothy and her friends. In terms of a narcissistic relationship, “flying monkeys” are people who have been manipulated by the narcissist in order to carry out their bidding, usually to harass and torment the narcissist’s target, or to push them back into the relationship.

Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” is taken from a 1944 movie, called Gas Light, starring Ingrid Bergman. In the film, Bergman plays the part of Paula, a woman who is married to Gregory, a man who unbeknownst to her is a thief and the murderer of her rich aunt several decades earlier. Little does she know that Gregory only married her so that he could have access to her aunt’s house so that he can find her aunt’s jewels—which he had been unable to find in his earlier robbery attempt. Whenever Gregory is hunting in the attic for the jewels, he has the gas lights on (the movie takes place in a time before electricity). Since the lights are on in the attic, it causes the rest of the lights in the house to flicker. When Paula asks Gregory why the lights are flickering, he tells her that they aren’t, and that she is seeing things, and that this is yet another sign that points to her being “crazy.”

Grand Finale

This is a term used to describe an over-the-top ending of a relationship with a narcissist which is often characterized by an extreme amount of drama, chaos, lies, and overall outrageous, soap-opera type of behavior. Their behavior can be so extreme that it can quickly become dangerous—even deadly. The target of any abusive person needs to use extreme caution when leaving the relationship, even if the narcissist has never shown any signs of violent behavior before, because once the narcissist realizes they’ve lost power and control over their target, they begin to scramble and say or do anything that they can in order to get that power back. It’s around this time that the narcissist’s mask either slips or is taken off completely, and the target is shocked by what they see. They may be shocked by the level of contempt the narcissist has for them and realize that the narcissist does not love them or even like them. This can be a hard reality to accept and leaves many targets feeling numb, devastated, and angry once they realize the narcissist is nothing more than an emotional con artist—and someone they don’t even know (because they don’t), and feeling used, abused, and exploited (because they were).

Gray Rock

Gray rock is a technique used to minimize contact and damage from a narcissist by becoming as emotionally unreactive and boring as a “gray rock.” The goal with using the gray rock technique is to stay cool, calm, collected, uninterested, and uninteresting when around a narcissist so that they lose interest in abusing their target and stop. There is a saying out there that goes, “Violence is only enjoyable when there is suffering. Without suffering, it is a hollow act.” The goal with gray rock is to not let the abusive person see you suffer. By denying them this, you are cutting off the “supply of pleasure” they are getting from your pain.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is when a narcissist “bombs” their target with “love,” or more specifically, attention, affection, communication, and compliments. Love bombing is a term that is usually (and originally) associated with cults and how they go about recruiting members; however, the same concept is used by narcissists regardless of the role they play in a person’s life, whether that is as a cult leader, an abusive partner or parent, an online-dating scammer (or scam artist in general), a coworker, neighbor, etc.

Masks of a Narcissist

This refers to the different faces (or masks) that a narcissist shows in public as well as to the target—especially in the beginning. These different masks are often socially acceptable and ideal, which can make them seem charming, likable…and the furthest thing from an abusive person. When a narcissist switches masks, or when the mask slips, their true self is seen, which is often horrifying and different than the person the target knows. Over time, the narcissist’s mask slips more and more often, and the target starts to view the narcissist as having a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality, or having both really great and really awful sides to themselves.

Narc Speak

This term is short for “narcissist speak,” and generally refers to a series of either misleading, loosely-related, or nonsensical words that a narcissist will string together in an effort to avoid accountability and groom their target into not questioning or challenging them in any way. Like the rest of a narcissist’s behavior, narc speak is about gaining and keeping control over the situation, their target, and their target’s perception of reality.