Helpful Definitions
Antisocial Personality Disorder
The terms “sociopath” and “psychopath” have been combined under the term “Antisocial Personality Disorder” (ASPD). Some common traits of ASPD are that the person is usually charming, highly manipulative (using domination, charm, guilt, sympathy, pity, obligation, or intimidation to get their way), has a disregard for rules and others (usually behaviors that are based on either exploitation or cruelty, often leading to time in jail as an adult), has a lack of remorse, and a lack of empathy (although they can do an award-winning performance to really make others believe that they are sorry and that this time will be different).
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
A personality disorder that usually includes impulsive and risky behavior, unstable and intense relationships, highly manipulative behavior, frequent outbursts of anger/poor emotional regulation, unstable or fragile self-image, fears of abandonment, and suicidal behavior or threats of self-harm. There can be a lot of overlap between the behaviors associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency
This term originated in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous and was initially used to describe the excessive emotional reliance a spouse of an alcoholic has on their alcoholic partner. So the alcoholic is excessively reliant on alcohol, and the spouse is excessively reliant on the alcoholic. These relationships are one-sided; the alcoholic spouse is continually having destructive behavior, and the codependent spouse is forever busy picking up the pieces, doing damage control, and trying to make things work.
Cognitive Dissonance
This term means “mental distress.” In particular, it’s the mental distress a person experiences when they have two conflicting thoughts about the same topic at the same time, as it pertains to an action that they are going to take. The reason this is so distressing is because we need our thoughts and actions to be in agreement with each other. If our thoughts and actions don’t line up, then we act in a way that doesn’t make sense to us, which is why we experience this mental distress. In order to relieve this mental distress, we either have to change our thoughts to match our actions, or change our actions to match our thoughts. Most of the time, we tend to change our thoughts about what we are experiencing, until our reality becomes painful enough that we have to take different actions. When we change our thoughts, we do so by either denying them, trying to suppress them, or by rationalizing them.
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)
C-PTSD is similar to PTSD in that the person experiences much of the same symptoms but for different reasons. PTSD tends to happen after a specific event or situation like war or a car accident, whereas C-PTSD is more “complex” because it’s often the result of ongoing traumatic events, many of which can be difficult to pinpoint. This is especially the case if a person grew up in a den of dysfunction, and the traumatizing behavior was considered normal.
Crazy-Making
“Crazy-making” behavior is abusive and manipulative behavior that is designed to confuse, irritate, exhaust, or provoke a target into some sort of emotional reaction. The target feels either like the narcissist is trying to make them crazy, or that the narcissist’s behavior is so infuriating that it’s making them crazy—especially when the narcissist is acting like nothing is wrong, or that the target is making a big deal out of nothing, or worse, that the target is crazy, mentally ill or losing their mind.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health (DSM)
This is a manual of mental disorders which is published (and continually being revised) by the American Psychiatric Association. This manual is currently in its 5th edition, and is referred to as the DSM-V. The DSM categorizes a wide range of mental health disorders, including mental illnesses, personality disorders, and developmental disorders that impair cognitive development.
Dissociative amnesia (also referred to as “abuse amnesia”)
Dissociative amnesia is when a person “forgets” certain incidents surrounding a traumatic event or events—in this case, abusive behavior. Abuse amnesia can range from “forgetting” whole episodes to certain things that are said, and the sufferer tends to remember the abusive person in a positive light. Abuse amnesia is not normal forgetfulness, as the person is only unable to recall events surrounding the specific traumatic event. Many people who continue to go back to an abusive partner report feeling frustrated and crazy because they forget about much of the abuse and hold onto the good times...only to then be abused again.
Domestic Violence
The United States Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.”
Flying Monkeys (also called “abuse by proxy”)
This term comes from the movie The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the East has flying monkeys under her spell to do her bidding, which is mainly to harass and torment Dorothy and her friends. In terms of a narcissistic relationship, “flying monkeys” are people who have been manipulated by the narcissist in order to carry out their bidding, usually to harass and torment the narcissist’s target, or to push them back into the relationship.
Future Faking
This is when a narcissist talks about, hints at, or promises their target an ideal future together. The narcissist may future-fake by claiming that they want the same things from the relationship, or promise to change their abusive behavior.
Gaslighting
The term “gaslighting” is taken from a 1944 movie, called Gas Light, starring Ingrid Bergman. In the film, Bergman plays the part of Paula, a woman who is married to Gregory, a man who unbeknownst to her is a thief and the murderer of her rich aunt several decades earlier. Little does she know that Gregory only married her so that he could have access to her aunt’s house so that he can find her aunt’s jewels—which he had been unable to find in his earlier robbery attempt. Whenever Gregory is hunting in the attic for the jewels, he has the gas lights on (the movie takes place in a time before electricity). Since the lights are on in the attic, it causes the rest of the lights in the house to flicker. When Paula asks Gregory why the lights are flickering, he tells her that they aren’t, and that she is seeing things, and that this is yet another sign that points to her being “crazy.”
Grand Finale
This is a term used to describe an over-the-top ending of a relationship with a narcissist which is often characterized by an extreme amount of drama, chaos, lies, and overall outrageous, soap-opera type of behavior. Their behavior can be so extreme that it can quickly become dangerous—even deadly. The target of any abusive person needs to use extreme caution when leaving the relationship, even if the narcissist has never shown any signs of violent behavior before, because once the narcissist realizes they’ve lost power and control over their target, they begin to scramble and say or do anything that they can in order to get that power back. It’s around this time that the narcissist’s mask either slips or is taken off completely, and the target is shocked by what they see. They may be shocked by the level of contempt the narcissist has for them and realize that the narcissist does not love them or even like them. This can be a hard reality to accept and leaves many targets feeling numb, devastated, and angry once they realize the narcissist is nothing more than an emotional con artist—and someone they don’t even know (because they don’t), and feeling used, abused, and exploited (because they were).
Gray Rock
Gray rock is a technique used to minimize contact and damage from a narcissist by becoming as emotionally unreactive and boring as a “gray rock.” The goal with using the gray rock technique is to stay cool, calm, collected, uninterested, and uninteresting when around a narcissist so that they lose interest in abusing their target and stop. There is a saying out there that goes, “Violence is only enjoyable when there is suffering. Without suffering, it is a hollow act.” The goal with gray rock is to not let the abusive person see you suffer. By denying them this, you are cutting off the “supply of pleasure” they are getting from your pain.
Hoovering
A manipulative technique named after the Hoover vacuum, where the narcissist attempts to reopen communication with their target with the intention of either fully sucking them back into the relationship or sucking them back into their “supply pipeline” by keeping communication open, so the narcissist could re-enter their life down the road in order to use, abuse, or exploit them.
Low Contact
Low contact is the alternative to “no contact” and is usually done if a person wants or needs to keep communication open with a narcissist. For instance, a person might want to stay in minimal contact with a family member who is a narcissist, or they may need to stay in minimal contact if a person has a child with a narcissist.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is when a narcissist “bombs” their target with “love,” or more specifically, attention, affection, communication, and compliments. Love bombing is a term that is usually (and originally) associated with cults and how they go about recruiting members; however, the same concept is used by narcissists regardless of the role they play in a person’s life, whether that is as a cult leader, an abusive partner or parent, an online-dating scammer (or scam artist in general), a coworker, neighbor, etc.
Masks of a Narcissist
This refers to the different faces (or masks) that a narcissist shows in public as well as to the target—especially in the beginning. These different masks are often socially acceptable and ideal, which can make them seem charming, likable…and the furthest thing from an abusive person. When a narcissist switches masks, or when the mask slips, their true self is seen, which is often horrifying and different than the person the target knows. Over time, the narcissist’s mask slips more and more often, and the target starts to view the narcissist as having a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality, or having both really great and really awful sides to themselves.
Narc Speak
This term is short for “narcissist speak,” and generally refers to a series of either misleading, loosely-related, or nonsensical words that a narcissist will string together in an effort to avoid accountability and groom their target into not questioning or challenging them in any way. Like the rest of a narcissist’s behavior, narc speak is about gaining and keeping control over the situation, their target, and their target’s perception of reality.
Narcissistic Abuse
This is a term that originated in the early twentieth century due in large part to the work by famed psychologist Alice Miller. Miller used the term “narcissistic abuse” to refer to a specific type of emotional abuse against children that resulted from narcissistic parents who required their child to give up their own wants, needs, and feelings, (i.e. their individuality) in order to meet the parent’s needs for self-esteem. In this dynamic, the narcissistic parent only saw the child as an extension of themselves and not the child they were.
Narcissistic Injury
This is a real or perceived threat to a narcissist’s ego which usually results in them going into attack mode, known as “narcissistic rage.” This attack mode can happen subtly and behind the scenes, or it can happen with them exploding and going on a verbal and/or physical attack. A narcissistic injury could happen in any number of ways, but perhaps the most common are challenging the narcissist’s decisions or abilities, criticizing them, questioning them about their behavior (or anything really), setting boundaries, talking positively about others, talking positively about good things in your life or even talking about positive things in the life of their children or other family members.
Narcissist
In a nutshell, narcissists are people whose actions are entirely self-centered and self-serving, to the point that their behavior causes major disruption in their lives and trauma to the lives of those closest to them (whether they realize it or not). They are often charismatic, convincing, and can be very charming when they want (or need) to be. They have a need for admiration, and are often very focused on impressing others and maintaining their public image. They tend to feel entitled to treat others however they wish, and because of this they have a lack of empathy, regard, and remorse for the results of their actions.
Covert Narcissist (or Vulnerable Narcissist)
Vulnerable narcissists are also self-absorbed, self-centered, and have a lack of empathy and remorse. Where they differ from a more textbook narcissist (often called a “grandiose” narcissist) is that vulnerable narcissists tend to show more emotional depth (when they are wounded) and are very concerned with how others see them. They are thought to fear abandonment and perceive any type of mistake, criticism, rejection, or “inferior” treatment by others as such. They think of themselves as superior beings and often crumble when others don’t think the same. This crumbling reveals their vulnerability and often comes across as their appearing as a deeply-wounded child. Their inflated sense of self-worth and need to be acknowledged as superior is most likely a compensation for their low self-esteem. And their fear of abandonment is thought to be due to a lack of secure bonding with their parents when they were a child.
Overt Narcissist (or Grandiose Narcissist)
This type of narcissist is more obvious, and tends to be a textbook example of what most people expect a narcissist to be. Overt narcissists are usually grandiose, arrogant, overly-confident and self-assured, obnoxious, and charismatic. They do not seek approval, fear rejection, or show emotion like vulnerable narcissists do. If they are rejected or insulted, they don’t crumble like a vulnerable narcissist does—instead they go on the attack, and they don’t stop until they’ve sufficiently ground down their “opponent” for not treating them with the admiration and respect they feel they so rightfully deserve. Grandiose narcissists don’t need the support and reassurance of others, like vulnerable narcissists do. It’s thought that grandiose narcissists aren’t compensating for a lack of self-esteem, but more so that their inflated sense of self comes from being spoiled and/or from their parents telling them how special, amazing, and talented they were, without balancing that with proper discipline and a more realistic view of themselves and their shortcomings.
Altruistic Narcissist
This is a type of narcissist who gets their ego stroked from appearing kind, good, and caring, but they only do so in order to get the praise and validation that comes from being seen as a good and caring person. Everything they do is for show. They often give money they don’t have and gifts they can’t afford. And if their charitable acts are denied, they often become angry and enraged. Altruistic narcissists may volunteer a lot, be leaders of a spiritual group, or work in a position that is seen as caring (such as a teacher, nurse, doctor, counselor, social worker, director of a non-profit, etc.). However, those who know them best realize that there are always strings attached to their acts of kindness and that they are better off not accepting any help from them. These acts of kindness are either held over their head and expected to be repaid ten-fold, or they are used to lure people in so they can be exploited. The behavior of an altruistic narcissist tends to come across as confusing, because on one hand the narcissist is so charitable and considerate, and seems to care so deeply, but their emotions seem shallow and insincere, and their actions seem like they are for show…because they are.
Cerebral Narcissist
Cerebral narcissists take great pride in their intellect and are often extremely intelligent and convincing. What makes them different from an intellectual person who enjoys a good discussion, or who enjoys teaching others, is that a cerebral narcissist leverages their intelligence in order to “win.” They often proclaim that they are logical and reasonable—even though their opinions and arguments are often anything but. Because they often come across with such great conviction, they can say the most outlandish, hateful, or dangerous things and spin it in such a way that they come across as balanced and fair.
Malignant Narcissist
The term “malignant” means dangerous and harmful. A malignant narcissist is one who has all the traits of a narcissist (grandiosity, seeks approval and attention, lacks empathy, lacks remorse, is entitled, and has a fragile self-esteem) as well as a blend of Antisocial Personality Disorder traits such as charm, aggression, a lack of regard for rules or laws, paranoia, and, in addition, is often sadistic. Their level of superiority far surpasses being arrogant, obnoxious, and self-centered, and is often dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Even though they need the approval and attention of others (unlike a psychopath), they still view others as expendable and feel justified in harming them. Those who have experienced this type of person often report feeling a “dark” energy about them, and are fearful or terrified of what the abuser might do—even though they might not have done or said anything overtly that the target can point to as the reason they feel this way.
Somatic Narcissist
Somatic narcissists get their ego fed mainly through their attractiveness, power, money, or sex. They are often shallow and associate with either other shallow people, or those who have power and money. They tend to be hyper-sexual, focused on their physical appearance, and are often very status-driven. They are often very seductive, and are usually pathological cheaters. They may be highly successful or they may latch onto others and use them for social status or money. Sex is their main weapon, and they can put on a great performance in bed, becoming the most amazing sexual partner their target has ever had, and using their seduction and sexual prowess to create what feels like a once in a lifetime connection.
Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage is inappropriate displays of anger from a narcissist that occur on a spectrum ranging from passive-aggressive to aggressive and can span from aloofness or cruel indifference (often leading to the silent treatment) to irritation or annoyance, to serious outbursts, including verbal and/or physical abuse. Narcissistic rage generally happens after a narcissist receives a “narcissistic injury” or if they perceive that they are losing control over their target or over a situation. On the milder end of the spectrum, this narcissistic rage can come across as though the narcissist is being immature, bratty, or having an adult temper tantrum. On the more major end of the spectrum, this rage can be terrifying, and the abusers can quickly become violent or deadly.
Narcissistic Smirk
This is a look of smug satisfaction that a narcissist often gets after they’ve successfully provoked an emotion (jealousy, anger, or fear) in their target that leads to a reaction, or when they otherwise get their way.
Narcissistic Supply (or “Supply”)
This is a term that is used to describe what feeds a narcissist’s ego. Narcissistic supply can be a person, a reaction, attention of any kind, money, power, social status, sex, or admiration.
New Supply
A “new supply” is the newest person a narcissist latches onto to drain supply from. This could be a new partner, friend, coworker, etc. Narcissists tend to have a constant source of new supply in their pipeline and move onto their new supply at lightning speed, which can be incredibly painful and confusing for those with whom they were previously involved.
No Contact
“No contact” means cutting off all contact with a narcissist and not responding to them if they try to reopen contact. For many people, going no-contact also means avoiding the narcissist on social media. This may mean blocking them on Facebook or Instagram, or it may mean creating new accounts under a fake name in order to avoid their messages. Going no-contact may also involve cutting off contact with friends and family of the narcissist—especially those who are trying to get information about what’s going on, or who are trying to push the target back into the relationship.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)
This is a term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the early 1980s that describes a significant negative change in a child’s behavior toward one parent without justification, in which the child becomes belittling and emotionally withdrawn, often to the point where they don’t want to spend time with that parent (and sometimes it can extend to not wanting to spend time with that parent’s family). PAS can be caused intentionally by telling a child negative things about the other parent, or unintentionally by a child hearing (or overhearing) one parent talking about the other parent in a negative light.
Reactive Abuse
This is when a target of abuse “reacts abusively” to an abusive person. A target often puts up with a lot of abusive behavior, because they either can’t escape it, or because they’ve been conditioned through stonewalling, silent treatment, threats, or more abuse to put up with it. When a person reacts abusively to abuse, they often do so because they’ve reached their breaking point and lash out due to pent-up frustration and anger at being an emotional (or physical) punching bag. Once the target does react abusively, the original abusive partner will portray themselves the victim of their target, exclaiming how abusive, crazy, or unhinged the target is. Reactive abuse is a delayed self-defense response. It is often extreme, and is often disproportional to the current situation (it’s the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back). A person can become reactive in ways that are either immediately aggressive, or they may begin to plot a way to hurt the abuser in order to settle the score. Reactive abuse is also one of a narcissist’s favorite weapons against their target. They will push their target’s buttons in ways that would push any sane person to their breaking point, and once their target does explode, they’ll sit back and exclaim how unhinged, abusive, or crazy their target is.
Reverse Projection
This is a slang term that refers to the distorted way targets of abuse tend to see their abuser. So while the psychological term “projection” refers to a person projecting all of their uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or actions onto another who doesn’t think, feel, or act that way, reverse projection is when targets project all of their good thoughts, feelings, and actions onto another who doesn’t think, feel, or act this way.
Smear Campaign
A smear campaign is an unwarranted attack on the target’s reputation, character and intent by making false accusations that are often believed by others. Narcissists are notorious for launching smear campaigns after the ending of a relationship, regardless of who ends it. It’s their way of maintaining their public image, gathering the attention and sympathy from their enablers, and trying to destroy their target all at the same time. It’s also how their level of denial and lack of self-awareness about their behavior shows itself, as a smear campaign lets others know (and reassures the narcissist) that they are not the problem.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a term that refers to the strong emotional attachment or bond between an abused person and their abuser, which is formed due to the trauma of the bad times followed by the relief of the good times that a person often experiences during the cycle of abuse. A target will often try to walk on eggshells in an attempt to avoid the abuse, get the good times back, and to keep the relationship going as smoothly as possible.
Triangulation
Triangulation happens when some form of drama or chaos is created between three people. This can happen in any number of ways, but perhaps the most common are when a narcissist turns two other people against each other while putting themselves in the middle, or when the narcissist aligns themselves with one of the people, creating an “us against you” situation.
A narcissist generally triangulates others for three main reasons: to escape being accountable for their behavior; because watching others fight over them or get caught up in the drama they have created makes them feel smug and superior; or simply because it’s fun for them to watch this chaos unfold.
A narcissist generally triangulates others for three main reasons: to escape being accountable for their behavior; because watching others fight over them or get caught up in the drama they have created makes them feel smug and superior; or simply because it’s fun for them to watch this chaos unfold.
Trigger
A trigger is a sight, smell, sound, word, touch, taste, place, or person that sets off an emotional flashback to an event. Flashbacks can relate to a positive or negative event. The trigger is often not seen by others, and can be as seemingly harmless as the smell of baking bread, or daisies blowing in the wind, or more obvious, such as the home in which the abuse took place, seeing the same type of alcohol on the shelf that their abuser drank, seeing the same type of car that they drove, meeting someone who has the same name, or hearing a certain sound such as a loud noise, or “their” song.
